Ain’t Worthy Of Your Heart

He locked his sight on the figure sleeping in the bed. Without shifting his eyes, he leaned against the frame door, crossing his arms on his chest, slightly heaved out a sigh. Doojoon lost count how many times he sighed this day. His head was pressured by problems and troubles. But it couldn’t compare to his problem between him and the sleeping figure.

Walking inside the room was his last choice to do, but he suppressed the urge and stepped into the room. Weird, because each step he took into the room, closing his distance from the figure, only leave pain in his heart. This wasn’t the first time he felt like this. Was it because he knew the figure will push him away again? Pleading the pain to vanish in his heart, Doojoon took a seat on the bed, beside the sleeping figure quietly, not wanting to wake the younger up.

His eyes never left the sight of the figure. Doojoon looked at the boy, sleeping on the bed. Being so close to the younger, eased Doojoon’s pain. A bitter smile managed to slip on Doojoon’s face when memories of him and the younger roamed in his mind like an old film. As if they just met yesterday. Everything was too vividly.

‘Stop this!’ Yoseob yelled at Junhyung, who was dragging him into an apartment.

‘You need to do this!’ He shouted.

‘Shiro!’ Yoseob refused to listen to his own best friend’s words as Yoseob felt himself being fooled by Junhyung. He really trusted Junhyung.

‘Listen here, Seobie. It’s for your own good. If you want to be a singer, you need to sacrifice.’ Junhyung gave him a piece of advice which he thought Yoseob needed.

It was true, Yoseob wanted to be a singer. He had been a trainee for 6 six years now but he had never given a chance to make a debut as a singer. The truth was he was already tired of all of this. He wanted to stop chasing his dream but Junhyung was the one who always got his back like a best friend would do. But this time he was too much.

‘Yes, I need to make sacrifice, but not by selling my body!’ Yoseob shouted and tried to release his hand from Junhyung’s grasp.

Unfortunately, Junhyung was too strong for Yoseob. Junhyung managed to push Yoseob into the apartment and he quickly closed the door, locking it from the outside, preventing Yoseob from escaping.

‘Junnie, don’t do this to me!’ Yoseob pleaded as he banged the door, trying to get out.

He felt tears in his throat but he held back because he already promised to himself that he won’t cry. Though crying will help to bring out Junhyung’s sympathy on Yoseob, Yoseob didn’t use it because he wanted to be stronger than ever.

‘Relax, Seobie. It will be fine. Soon you will be a singer. Trust me.’

Junhyung shouted at him in hope that Yoseob will hear him. Yoseob bit his lower lips, letting out the frustration within him. When he heard Junhyung’s footstep slowly disappearing, away from the door, his heart dropped because he never knew Junhyung will do this to him. It felt like a knife stabbed behind him.

‘Who are you?’ A voice shocked him from behind.

Yoseob turned around and saw a tall guy, with around his age. Their eyes meet and only confusion both of them could share. How can Yoseob answer his question when he didn’t know the guy was too. Yoseob took some steps backward but then stopped when his spine touched the door, leaving him no where to run anymore.

Looking Yoseob’s expression which was afraid of him, the guy asked,

‘Did…Junhyung send you here?’

Shuddering, Yoseob nodded, terrified being in the apartment alone with that guy. The guy offered Yoseob to sit at the couch. Though Yoseob didn’t want at first, but he did in the end. Yoseob clenched his shirt at the edge part as he was afraid. The guy took the seat beside Yoseob and took the envelope on the coffee table. Yoseob predicted the paper he was looking at was the information about him. And truly he was right when the guy asked,

‘You want to be a singer?’

Yoseob could only nod to the person beside him.

‘Okay then.’

Hearing those words, confusion hit Yoseob again. He frowned at the guy because he was dumbfounded about all of this.

‘What do you mean?’

‘I’ll make you into a singer.’ The guy simply explained it.

Yoseob knew it. His thought was right. Junhyung did back stab him. The guy beside him now was the owner of a famous entertainment company. Of course he will be able to make Yoseob a singer with power in his hands. But this was more than that. In order for that, Yoseob had to give something to him. Just like Junhyung told him before. He needed to render pleasure to the guy as a return.

But this wasn’t what he wanted. He never did this before. Not even with his ex-boyfriends. He couldn’t possible give in to a stranger which he didn’t even know his name. Yoseob was oblivious of the situation now, but it happened so fast when the guy suddenly pushed him onto the coach, pinning him.

Yoseob wanted to run away, but he was trapped by the guy. The guy above him was smirking at him while he was trembling with fear.

‘I’m sure Junhyung explain already right?’ He asked with the smirk still hanging on his visage.

Yoseob nodded because Junhyung told him before about this. He refused this at first but he blamed Junhyung for dragging him here, forcing him to do something he didn’t want to do. So much he wanted to struggle; he couldn’t because his hands were gripped by the guy.

Just before he could think another thing, he felt something warm and wet on his neck. Yoseob flinched at the touch. He bit his lower lips hard, not caring if he hurt his own lips, preventing from moans slipping from his lips. Abused. That was he felt when the guy touched him.

He gasped when he felt a hand slipped under his shirt. Yoseob hoped that this will be over soon but he knew the fact the pain will remain inside his heart as long as he live in this cruel world. He never knew reality could be so harsh for him. But he needed to endure all of this, to chase his dreams.

On the second thought, he would rather throw away his dream now because this was too painful for Yoseob to be tainted like this. But what could he do? Everything was too late. Too late to regret for something he didn’t ask for.

He closed his eyes as he couldn’t even bear to witness this sinful scene. It was hell enough for him to feel the unwanted touches. Before Yoseob could think something worst than this, suddenly he felt the grasp on his hands loosen and the pressure above him was gone. Yoseob opened his eyes when he felt the touches were all gone.

 He eyed on that guy, who was sitting on the couch now, biting his lips. Yoseob pulled himself onto a sitting position as he heard some words from him.

‘Wipe it off.’

‘Huh?’ Yoseob couldn’t understand what he was saying.

‘I said wipe off your damn tears!’ He raised his voice, flinching the younger.

Yoseob was oblivious that he was crying. He quickly wiped if off with the back of his hands and said,

‘Mian.’   

The guy looked pissed off for sure. Was it because Yoseob cried? The guy suddenly stood up and said,

‘Do you really want to be a singer?’

Yoseob nodded.

‘If you can’t pay it with your body, pay it with your life.’ He left Yoseob in the apartment, dumbfounded.

Yoseob didn’t know what he meant at first. But then he was instructed to move into the apartment and lived with that guy. Yoseob guessed this was he meant with his words. But he was glad. Glad because at least nothing bad going to happen to him. And also the found out the guy was actually nice. Yoon Doojoon; that was his name.

That was the first time Doojoon met with Yoseob. Yoseob changed his life so much. He didn’t know what Yoseob had until he was blown away by him. Feeling some courage built in his heart, Doojoon pulled out his hand to caress Yoseob’s cheek, who was still sleeping on the bed. It had been a while since he touched Yoseob’s skin. So much had happened between the two of us. It had been a few years since the first day he met Yoseob. And he did make Yoseob into a singer, a star that shone brighter than anyone else.

Yoseob pouted as the stylist noona prepared him for his first photoshoot. He was going to debut to be a solo singer next week thanks to Doojoon. Doojoon treated him so nice. He never been harsh on Yoseob and took care of Yoseob as if he was a fragile glass. As he was preparing for the shoot, Yoseob pulled out his phone and when he scanned the phone screen he pouted even more.

The reason why there was a pout hanging on Yoseob’s face was because Doojoon was not here. Doojoon promised him that he will be there to accompany Yoseob but he was no where to be found now. Yoseob never realize when was his relationship between him and Doojoon went into a different level. Maybe it was because Doojoon treated Yoseob as if he was his lover and Yoseob didn’t mind that because he loved it so much. And to think that maybe and just maybe Yoseob had already fallen in love with Doojoon only made Yoseob happier.

Pissed off Yosoeb just continued with the photoshoot. Somehow he managed to give the best into the photoshoot though he was angry at that time. The moment Yoseob finished his work, he eyed on someone who darted into the studio. Yoseob could only roll his eyes because it was no other than Yoon Doojoon.

Doojoon noticed the piss off look in Yoseob’s face, so he followed Yoseob to the dressing room. When he walked in, he gestured all the workers in the room to leave him alone with Yoseob. He needed to talk with Yoseob in private because he knew he was wrong for breaking his promise towards Yoseob.

‘Baby, I’m sorry.’ Doojoon used to call Yoseob that already although they never confessed to each other.

‘How can you do that to me?’ Yoseob pouted and crossed his arms on his chest, sitting on the chair.

Doojoon perched in front of Yoseob and smiled as he always found Yoseob’s pout so cute and bubbly.

‘I’m really sorry. I got a meeting just now. And it’s for your own album so forgive me, hmm?’ Doojoon begged for forgiveness for disappointing Yoseob.

Hearing Doojoon’s excuse Yoseob accepted Doojoon’s apology because he knew no matter what he will end up forgiving the elder even if Doojoon gives him flimsy stupid excuses. Yoseob’s pout vanished and was replaced with a smile on his face. Yoseob cupped Doojoon’s face and brought his forehead against Doojoon’s.

‘I want to eat.’ Yoseob said.

Doojoon smiled as he loved everytime the younger was so close to him. He was never the one who came near Yoseob. Nope. Yoseob was the one. He wasn’t the one who touch Yoseob’s hand first. Nope. That will be Yoseob too. And also he wasn’t the one who open his heart for Yoseob. Nope. Yoseob opened his heart first.

‘Let’s go eat then.’ Doojoon answered and brought Yoseob to eat.

After that week, Yoseob had become a star. Everyone was amazed by his skills and awed by his voice. Doojoon had no regretted for letting Yoseob to be a singer because Yoseob deserve it. But now, caressing his cheeks, he wished he could get back in time and stopped Yoseob from being a singer. His eyes widened when he caught sight of tears escaping Yoseob’s eyes. Yoseob had been crying even in his sleeps these days. Doojoon knew that but there was nothing he could do because Yoseob already put a barrier between the two of them. If he could read the future, he will never let Yoseob be a singer. He still remembered how busy Yoseob became after he debuted but never once he left Doojoon.

‘Baby, what are you doing here?’ Doojoon sighed as he spotted Yoseob inside his office.

Yoseob playfully smiled and answered,

‘Visiting you?’

Doojoon sat on the couch and asked,

‘Shouldn’t you be in a phtoshoot session now? For a magazine?’ Of course Doojoon knew Yoseob’s schedule was, he was his boss.

‘Can I skip it for once?’ Yoseob asked as he took a seat on Doojoon’s lap.

Doojoon wrapped his hands around Yoseob’s waist and said,

‘You’re being naughty again.’

‘I can’t help it.’ Yoseob said and pecked on Doojoon’s lips, stealing a kiss.

Doojoon could only smile because actually he was happy Yoseob was here with him. These days Yoseob was too busy with his schedule. Though he was never bother by that because Yoseob will always find time for him. Doojoon had to admit both of them are in love. Although they never confessed to each other before, their actions spoke for them already.

‘You really should be going to the photoshoot now, or you’ll be late.’

Yoseob pouted at Doojoon’s words because he wanted to be with Doojoon.

‘I want to be here with you.’

Heaving out a sigh, Doojoon knew he will never win against Yoseob when it comes to these things. Yoseob was too cute to reject and his pouts were killing Doojoon.

‘Then let me go there with you, okay?’ Doojoon couldn’t possibly let Yoseob missed his photoshoot.

‘Okay!’ Yoseob squealed in joy.

 Doojoon wiped off Yoseob’s tears which was staining his cheeks with his thumb, slowly. Every single moved that he made was in silent and slowly because he never wanted to make Yoseob wake up and push him again. Though he only prayed that God will give him his Yoseobie again, he knew he deserved the punishment now. The punishment for hurting Yoseob so much. He made a mistake. Yes, he did. If he was given a chance in the next life, he will never make that stupid mistake every again.

Yoseob was waiting at Doojoon anxiously at the dressing room. He couldn’t sit still. Instead he walked back and forth in the room, because everything was upside down now as if things were scramble and it will never be able to organize it back to normal. It had been 3 years since Yoseob became a singer. And he was living a life like a star would live; filled with gossips and rumors.

Having Doojoon beside him all the time, Yoseob got passed the bad rumors in his shining years until one day. A rumor that he knew he could never deny in his entire life had spreaded through out the news and the whole world knew about him and Doojoon. Yoseob thought he did a pretty good job of hiding his relationship with Doojoon but he was totally wrong.

Worst, when rumors were saying Yoseob sold his body to get where he was now. What was he supposed to say? Denial should be the thing Yoseob will be saying now, but how could he forget about the reality? No matter whether he liked if or not, he did that. It’s true that he didn’t sell his body at Doojoon but he did pay to get into his position now.

‘Baby, are you okay?’ That was Doojoon’s first question when he entered the room.

‘Yes, but I’m scared.’ Yoseob stated.

Was he scared that he might lose his career as a singer? Or was he afraid that there will be a probability that he needed to break up with Doojoon? The truth was he didn’t know which one he was afraid to. He was too confused and being in his situation, really disallowing him from thinking straight. The only thing he could do was pray. Pray that everything will go back normal again.

Don’t worry. I’ll settle this.’ Doojoon said, assuring Yoseob that things will be all right.

‘But how?’ Yoseob couldn’t help himself from being too curios.

Doojoon smiled and gave Yoseob a hug. This time the hug last longer than the usual hug. Yoseob wondered why.

‘Trust me, baby.’ He whispered into Yoseob’s ears.

Yoseob only nodded, as he could never doubt Doojoon. But he was wrong; he should doubt Doojoon at that time. Because of he couldn’t sense something wrong with Doojoon that day, he couldn’t stop things to be falling apart.

*****

‘How can you do that?!’ Yoseob shouted at Doojoon, the moment Doojoon walked in the apartment.

Doojoon looked at Yoseob with the eyes that Yoseob couldn’t read anymore. Yoseob couldn’t process the expression Doojoon was portraying now. The older stole a glance at Yoseob before letting his eyes off the younger, feeling guilty. He walked pass Yoseob and sat at the couch. Yoseob followed him because he wasn’t planning to back off until Doojoon gave him an answer that he really wanted to hear.

‘Why did you do that?’ Yoseob asked again. This time controlling his anger, trying his best to prevent himself from involving into an argument with Doojoon. ‘Why did you lie?’

Though he wanted to avoid looking into Yoseob’s eyes, Doojoon decided to glimpse at Yoseob, setting his eyes on him. Actually he was pissed off. He did all of this for Yoseob and here he was being scolded by someone he sacrificed a lot for. Saying a word at Yoseob now should be the last option for Doojoon in this situation, but in the end he said,

‘I did that for your own good.’

‘No!’ Damn caused Yoseob’s temper was off the line for today. ‘You only did that for your own good! You never cared about me. Never! All you think is your stupid company!’

He shouted with tears running down his cheeks. He didn’t mean to cry but he just couldn’t control the feeling, building within himself. Doojoon stood up, trying to calm Yoseob down because he knew he had to explain everything to him because what Yoseob’s words just now were all fake, not the truth.

‘Baby, please…’

‘Don’t touch me!’ Yoseob warned him when Doojoon took some steps towards him.

‘I hate you…’ Yoseob continued. ‘I really hate you!’ Yoseob shouted and darted into the bedroom.

He locked the door, leaning against the door and let his spine slid down, letting himself be on the carpeted floor. Wrapping his knees with his arms, he sobbed. He bit his lips, preventing the tears in his throat. He pleaded himself not to cry but his sobs became worst. Biting his lips so hard, Yoseob could fell the pain surged on his lips with some taste of his own blood. But it was nothing compared to what Doojoon just did to him.

Though Yoseob knew that there will be a possibility that Doojoon might deny their relationship to the media, he never thought that Doojoon will really do that. What hurt Yoseob most was when Doojoon could say that they don’t have any relationship so smoothly. As if he really meant it. Yoseob knew how much Doojoon loved him, he knew that. But he never knew when Doojoon will open his heart for him. Maybe he already did, but for Yoseob now, he already closed his heart for Doojoon.

Doojoon mentally sighed because the guilt was killing him. Thanks to his stupid action, he and Yoseob never moved on after that. After the incident, Yoseob refused to do any of his artist activity. Though many people coaxed Yoseob even Junhyung, Yoseob didn’t give them a chance to even discuss about those things with him. Yoseob stopped being a singer. Yes, he did because he wanted to prove to Doojoon, giving him a hint that he only wanted to be with Doojoon.

It’s true that he wanted to be a singer but everything changed when he met Doojoon. Yet, Doojoon never understood that. He did understand that but it was too late because Yoseob had already given up hope towards him. Now, the old Yoseob was gone. Doojoon let Yoseob stayed with him. Yoseob thought that Doojoon let his stay so he could keep Yoseob from the media, worried that maybe Yoseob might make a scene about the rumor again. But he was wrong. Doojoon needed Yoseob to be with him. He needed Yoseob to survive.

He eyed that sleeping figure again. Doojoon had a hard time to tell himself that the real Yoseob was gone. Though Yoseob was still here with him, he had been alone. Yoseob never walk out of his room and he only went out to eat when Doojoon wasn’t in the apartment. It hurt Doojoon so much. But he knew Yoseob must be suffering more than him. For what he did, it was so impossible for Yoseob to forgive him.

That’s why Doojoon decided to back off now. It was time for him to let go of Yoseob. He couldn’t hold Yoseob here anymore like a broken bird in a cage. He wanted Yoseob to be free now and smile again.

‘Goodbye.’ Doojoon said his last words and left a kiss on his forehead.

Somehow, Doojoon could fell that kiss will be the last kiss he give to Yoseob.

‘I will always love you.’

*****

Yoseob was sitting on the bench at the park, reading a book which he never knew he will be interested with. The book wasn’t his actually. It belonged to a person who he loved the most and also the person he used to hate. He knew it was rude for him to take his things without his permission, but how could he even ask when the person was no longer with him.

When the thought hit his head, Yoseob stopped reading because he couldn’t process any words that his eyes saw. Maybe because an image of that person conquered his mind, giving him endless pain inside his heart again. Those memories were always cruel and brutal towards Yoseob because it left thousand of incurable scars in his heart.

Letting his eyes stared on the blue skies, Yoseob wondered how the sight on the earth from up there was. He would appreciate it so much if God asked him to be up there now, but he knew still have some time left. He felt a weird sweep of emotion onto himself again, tiptoeing onto his spine. Yoseob shifted his sight on somewhere which he felt someone was watching him again.

But his eyes quickly averted onto the ground as a smile formed on his face. Because he knew who was watching him. He knew it very well.  

‘Doojoon ah, don’t worry. I’m fine.’ Yoseob mumbled.

Yoseob closed the book and packed all the books beside him into the bag. As he was doing that, a picture that was slipped between the pages in a book felt onto his shoe. Frowning, he picked up the picture. His eyes were widened to see the picture and there was something written on the picture. Surely, it was Doojoon’s writing. It was a picture of two of them.

We’re always be together.  

He couldn’t stop a tear from escaping his tear when he read that. He just remembered that was Doojoon’s promise to him.

‘Pabo! How can you break your promise?’ Yoseob cried because no matter how much he wanted to bring Doojoon back in his life again, he was too late. Because Doojoon was no longer in this world. He killed himself because he couldn’t forgive on what he did to Yoseob.

Doojoon had moved on. While Yoseob was still stuck in this cruel world. Doojoon always thought that he was ain’t worthy of Yoseob’s heart but actually he deserved Yoseob’s heart more than anyone else because Yoseob loved him. Yes, he did and even now, he still loves him.

-END-