Memories

***

My earliest memory:

I’m two, maybe three and Ryeowook gege is six, I think.

I am in my parents’ cupboard and I have to stay really quiet because we’re playing hide and seek and I don’t want to get found.  

It’s really dark in the cupboard. And I’m sure that hyung will never find me here.

3 minutes pass. I’m still not found.

5 minutes, my glow-in-the-dark watch glares, 6 minutes. I’m getting scared. The thick heavy coats push at me as I shift a little. It’s really stuffy. I pull at my collar. I wish I hadn’t hidden here now.

8 minutes, 9 minutes…

I hear a sound. I jump and start to cry. Loudly.

“Ge!!!!!!!  Save meeee!!!!!!!”

I continue to cry. Suddenly, someone wrenches open the door and I blink in the dizzying white light, lightheaded from being in the dark for so long.

“Gege!” I squeak as I tumble out of the cupboard into his arms. I cry and cry and he pats my head like Mama does and I immediately stop crying.

“Where were you? I’ve been waiting for --”I look at my watch, it shows a blinking 30. “30 minutes!”

“30 minutes? That long?”

“Yeah! Look!” I point at the blinking number which now shows 35.

“Henry-ah,” Ryeowook gege sighs and points at the watch. “That,” he points at the blinking number, “means 30 seconds. Not minutes!”

“… oh.”

Silence.

“How are we going to play hide and seek like this?” I can tell that Gege’s not angry because he’s smiling.

“Oh. Ok. Sorry hyung. But I heard something in th --”

“Mew~”

I spin around and see Bonbon jump out of the cupboard. “Bonbon! ~” I squeal, cuddling the kitty.

“Ge! It was Bonbon in the cupboard! I heard Bonbon in the cupboard!”

Ryeowook ge sighs. “Yes. Come on Henry, let’s get you a cookie, ok?”

“Ok!”

I hold onto Bonbon tightly as Wookie ge takes my free hand.

“Ge?”

“Hmm?”

“… What does seconds mean?”

***

My happiest memory:

I’m four. And we’re at the beach.

“Henry! Pass me that pail of water!”

I pour the heavy pail of water into the sandy moat Ryeowook ge has built around out single-turret sandcastle.

“Yay!” I squeal at the completion of the castle. Only to see the water drain out and disappear, leaving the sand damp and heavy.

We try and try again, but the water disappears every time.

I feel sad. Castles aren’t anything without moats. Not in my perspective anyway.

Ryeowook gege sees my face and he goes away so quietly that I didn’t even notice. My mouth and eyes feels as gritty as the sand in my sandals and my vision is becoming blurry with tears.

Suddenly, someone plunks a big blue float around the castle, in the moat.

“Finished!” The blue float was our water.

I look up at Wookie gege, and my eyes are no longer wet. He stares back at me with barely concealed anticipation.

I smile really widely. “Thank you, gege! ~” he grins too and hugs me. We stay there for the rest of the day, playing dragon battles and knights.

This is the happiest day of my life. And also the last time I ever visit the beach with Ryeowook ge.

***

My proudest memory:

I started learning the violin when I was five. By the time I was seven, I could memorize hundreds of scores of songs and serenade to Ryeowook gege in his bed. Ryeowook gege says I’m a child prodigy.

What’s a child prodigy? Does it mean I’m well and not sick like Ryeowook ge? Does it mean I can run and jump whereas Ryeowook ge can barely walk? I don’t know.

I remember the first time I serenaded to gege. I was six and I played twinkle twinkle little star. At that time he wasn’t sick. Yet.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s because I’m smart. Maybe if I was stupid, Ryeowook ge wouldn’t have gotten sick.

Good always comes with bad.

Translation:  This is all my fault.

***

My most regretful memory:

I’m eight this year, and Wookie ge is eleven.

I come home after school. Mama has gone out to get groceries like she always does in the afternoon and Papa is at work.

I put down my bag and I hear Ge call me from upstairs. I run up the stairs, and push open the door.

“Hi Ge!”

“Hello Henry. Can you get me a glass of water please?” Wookie ge smiles tiredly from his bed.

“Ok!” I rush down to get him a cup of water. When I bring it to him, he wrinkled his nose slightly and set it down on his bedside table. My smile dims a little.

“What’s wrong, gege?”

“Nothing… it’s just that I don’t feel like drinking it anymore.” A flicker of irritation ripples in me. If he didn’t want it, why did he make me go down and get it?

“Henry-ah…”

“Yes ge?”

“Can you turn down the air-con? its cold” My insides turn into ice. Why am I even doing all these for him? Then I realize he makes me do this every day.

“I don’t find it cold.”

“But Henry-ah… it is really cold…”

“No it’s not.”

“Henry? What’s wrong with you? Why are you so angry today?” I see tears well up in his eyes. That’s when I explode.

“ANGRY? WHAT WOULD YOU KNOW ABOUT BEING ANGRY? DO YOU KNOW HOW TO GET A GLASS OF WATER ON YOUR OWN? DO YOU KNOW HOW TO ADJUST THE AIR-CON ON YOUR OWN?  IF YOU DON’T KNOW ANY OF THESE, WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT BEING ANGRY? I DON’T UNDERSTAND. WHY IS IT ALL ABOUT YOU? I AM SICK OF MY LIFE BEING ALL ABOUT YOU. I HATE YOU.” I sweep his glass off the table and run out while it shatters, slamming the door loudly behind me.

Old bonbon rubs against my feet as I lean against the door, panting from anger.

I glare straight ahead. It was like I had cut the bonds tying my body to the earth. I was free from work, from endless running up and down the stairs for Ryeowook, free from everything. Now I could do what I wanted, not what he wants. I grin a little fiercely at the wall opposite me and push myself off the wooden door. Bonbon ducks and skulks away as I turn and leave, refusing to look back.

After awhile, I pass the room again. It is quiet. Curious, I press my ear to the door. Silence. Is Ryeowook ge sleeping? I inch open the door and stand there, shocked.

Wookie ge is on the floor, silently crying. He lies there and tries to pick up the broken cup, cutting his hands in the process. A tear falls and mixes with the blood on his hands and the water on the floor. I stand there for a little while more before my hands slide the door shut. Tears much like gege’s ones sting my eyes and I sink down to the ground.

From the other side of the door, I cry with Wookie gege.

***

My numbest memory:

Mama is screaming. And crying.

I’m not sure why but there’s something pressing down on my chest, like I can’t breathe.

Ge is not saying anything. Not moving too. He just lies there like a statue. A white cold statue.

It’s six in the morning.

I want to stay where I am but my hands seem to be grappling to the direction of Wookie ge. They break free from my Papa and my legs run over and my hands are shaking Gege. His eyes remain closed but I don’t know why.

Wake up, Ryeowook ge, wake up.

He’s white and pale and cold. I am scared. This is not Gege. But my mouth keeps screaming his name and my hands continue their shaking.

Tears fall like rain.

Wake up.

***

My angriest memory:

The white is blinding. I don’t know how it can be so white when everything seems so gray.

Papa is saying something on the ebony stand where a bald old man whose name was ’pastor’ usually stands and says things that makes people fall asleep.

I refuse to look there because it is a dream.

What I see is the cross, with a goldish-looking metal man pinned onto it. Wookie once told me he was ‘Lord Jesus’, and his father was ‘God’. ‘God’ is the creator of the universe and his son was kind and the ‘king of all kings’. ‘Lord Jesus’ could perform miracles that saved good and wonderful people.

I am angry.

Wookie ge was good and wonderful. And this ‘Lord Jesus’ didn’t do anything to save him.

Then how about his father? ‘God’ never got his son to save Wookie ge too. They just let him turn into a statue which was cold and stiff and didn’t open its eyes or smile at me like Wookie Ge always does.

I glare harder at the tin man on the wooden cross.

Nothing happens.

Nothing will ever happen anymore.

Because Wookie ge is gone.

Too late.

***

My last memory:

The lines of my wrist cry blood-red tears. I blankly pick up the blade and draw some more crying lines.

Mama’s bottle of anti-depressants leers at me from the sink. I pick them up and feel like smashing things on the floor. Nowadays I feel like smashing lots of things on the floor. For example, I smashed our family picture of the day we went to the beach. This made Mama keep all the family pictures so I can’t even see Wookie gege anymore.

I smashed my violin the other day too. It broke into two pieces. I threw it out with its bow and case. Mama and Papa didn’t notice at all. In fact, they don’t notice anything anymore. Papa has been an empty ever since Ge died years ago and Mama is depressed so they both treat like the way they treat Wookie gege. A ghost. An invisible, non-existing ghost.

The lid of the bottle of red and white pills is pushed open. I scoop out the right amount. Not too little so it won’t kill me and not too much so my stomach can’t digest them. They go down my throat, rolling on my tongue.

The world starts to dim after a few minutes. I slump against the white tiles of the bathroom, my soft breaths misting up their clear surface. Am I finally going to see Wookie ge? Can I finally tell him sorry for shouting at him the night before he died?

Maybe.

I smile and close my eyes.

 

~

 

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