Turn back the time, the story really begins with Luhan.

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The first time I saw him was a late afternoon, while wandering on the street of the downtown, looking for a good café to wait for my movie showing. I stopped in the middle of my paces as I saw across the street, a young boy was feeding a little puppy in an old paper box.

That boy slightly scrunched his nose as the puppy started his fingers then quickly smiled from ear to ear and patted its head lovingly. I was so attracted by his eye smile that even though his back already disappeared behind the glass door, I was still rooted into the ground, glued my eyes to the spot that he had stood minute ago. I didn’t know it was me or the sunshine at the end of the day made him stunning like that.

The whole time at the cinema afterwards, I was completely distracted by his image kept replaying inside my head, making my mind strolled back to the corner of the street, to the coffee shop he was working.

The fifth time I saw him was at a cold night when I walked by the shop on purpose, pretended bending down to tie my shoelace, but mainly to steal quick glance inside, looking for an appealing eye smile. And I was not disappointed.

He was standing behind the stony counter, maybe was giving the clients their change, a smile never left his pink lips. I suddenly found my heart beating like crazy because of a stranger. But who could judge me? After all I had been through, I was sure I had any right to do anything I felt right. And maybe it sounded insane, I couldn’t care more because I didn’t have time to think too much.

The tenth time I saw him was when he was waiting for his bus, not far from his working place. I assumed he took that job as a part time one as I noticed he came only three days a week and his shift always ended at 11pm.

His brown red hair stood out under the light of the street lamp. He was quite tall, maybe a little taller than me, white skin and especially his eye smile, the one that was like a charming spell killing anyone if they accidentally caught it without any protection.

I stood there, watching him get into the bus, wondering what I was doing. My counting down hand watch was already left with two digit number and all I did was letting my time passing by meaninglessly. It was so unlike me and like an instinct, the voice inside my head started to scold me for hours after that.

I called Yixing, my best friend in China, kept silent for a long minute hearing the grumble from the other side of the line about why I stayed in Korea that long, why I didn’t use my time to be with my parents and friends in homeland. Then when I mumble “I got a problem”, it was his turn to listen to all of my sorrow, about the boy that I wasn’t brave enough to make any move.

“What should I do Yixing?”

I finished my story with the question that I asked myself the whole last week.

“If you walk by, won’t you regret?”
His voice was filled with worry and anxiety. Yixing was the type of thinking thoroughly before doing anything whereas I was a kind of person who just went with my feeling. I thought that was the reason to keep us being friend in such a long time. We balanced one another.

I didn’t answer his question. Ten seconds was an enough amount of time for him to know what was on my mind, even though we didn’t face to face.

“Then just do what your heart tell you to do.”

That was all I needed to hear. So what if my weak heart was getting older every minute? If he could make it beat like a racing car like that then why I am sitting here, having a second thought.

************

I followed him into the bus one day after his shift ended. There were a few people around but he still chose the last row to sit, put on his earphone and slightly close his eyes, drowning into his own world.

I didn’t know what to do, feeling like every part of my body was so useless when I needed them. But I couldn’t turn back any more. So I inhaled a long breath, stepped towards his direction, trying not to reveal my nervousness and gently sat down.

My poor heart was little down when he threw me some kind of suspicious look and silently moved to few rows ahead. Maybe he was uncomfortable when a stranger invaded his personal space ormaybe he saw me as a e who harbored dark designs and decided to stay away. I don’t know… But there something I was quite sure that this was not the right way to approach someone you like.

I glued my eyes on the back of his head almost the entire time of the trip, hoping he could somehow feel my good intention but got none in response. My first attempt was such a failure.

Wandering the whole day, finally my foot led me to his café shop. Hesitating for a minute, I bravely pushed the door open. It was close to closing time so there were just two couples enjoying their drinks at the corner of the room. They looked happy and I suddenly wished I would have my chance with him to experience those feelings

He jolted back when the bell ringing, clearly didn’t expect a customer at this time. But what made me surprised was the way he made a step back when our eyes met in a second, like I was going to attack him with just my appearance.

Did I scare him that much?

I frowned a bit at this thought running through my brain but then it hit me, like a big one.

Wait a minute….

He…recognizes me?

A ray of hope flashed in my head and I couldn’t help but grin like an idiot. I nodded my head in greeting and began to scan through the menu left open on the counter, pretended to look for something to drink. When I was sure that was long enough for a person to choose their drink, I pointed the first thing printed on the front page.

“Can I have a cappuccino please?”

I was not allowed to have coffee for my heart’s sake but I couldn’t let my already not good impression become worse. It was absolutely not manly if I ordered orange juice, right?

He wrote it down on a small paper before rushed to the coffee machine. I took my time to look around until a post-it on the Staff board behind the counter caught my attention.

This Sunday if you have time, pls come and support my friend’s charity activity for his orphanage at….

He came back and handed me a cup of coffee before I could finish the piece of note. I quickly covered my over concentration by a vague question, trying to have more time to get the address.

“How long have you been working here…umm, Sehun?”

I averted my eyes to the name tag on his shirt after having full information about the charity activity. He was quite startled at my sudden speaking up, eyes were filled with confusion as he printing my receipt.

“Not long ago. About two months. Yours is 3000 won, please.”

Holding the cappuccino, I chuckled inwardly and my heels out of the shop. I definitely had my chance to win back my image.

Because first of all, at least he recognized me even though it was not a good impression. Secondly, no matter what he thought about me before, I would wipe it away by the perfect Luhan’s appearance that next Sunday.

I spotted his brown red hair from afar. I didn’t know it was because he was outstanding or my eyes just wanted to search for him that everything was so easy.

He was playing the plane game with some kids when I approached his place, waved my hands a little bit vigorously.

“Hi. What a coincidence!”

I saw him dazed in a few seconds. And I knew I had scored.

The whole time after that though we didn’t make any proper conversation, I let myself be caught off guard several times as he saw me looking at him lovingly. This was moving too fast and I couldn’t control my feeling any more. The smile he gave everyone there, I wanted it be mine. Just mine. But how that supposed to be when he hardly knew anything about me.

We took a rest on the old bench in the front yard of the orphanage after helping cleaning up. I cleared my throat, decided to make a new “move”.

“Could I have your number? We can go out for a drink sometimes.”

He stared at me and I swore I could see the confusion in his eyes again. He blushed a bit while stuttered

“I…I like girl.”

I didn’t know if I should cry or laugh at his naivety. Isn’t my intention too obvious?

“It’s not like I’m asking you on a date.”

I laughed, giving him his phone to put number in and chose a name that fit him the most.

Sehunnie

***********

“I’m falling in love.”

I was lying in the bed, loudspeaker phone was on. Yixing was silent for a long minute before spoke up, feeling the worry in my voice

“You was scared that Sehun will be heart broken when you’re gone?”

“Uhm”

I let out a long sigh. I had let my selfish heart take control in a long time and now it’s my conscience’s turn to judge.

My fate was determined to end soon but Sehun still had a long road to walk ahead. I didn’t want to define whatever we were having because this relationship didn’t go anywhere and it would weigh him down when I was not around.

I should have told him from the beginning.

I should have just stayed in the friend zone.

I should have stopped this feeling right when it hadn’t started yet.

I told myself countless time this was wrong but when I met him, seeing the brightness in his eye smile, I couldn’t stop.

I wished I could but….I didn’t want to.

“Sehun will understand right?”

I broke the silence with a question that I knew for sure Yixing couldn’t have the right answer.

This night, I asked him to go with me to see the “Love actually”, my favorite movie and sent him the song “Beautiful” of Bosson along with a goodnight text, hoping he could feel what was in my heart, something I would never say out loud.

I knew my time was going to up very soon as the pain grew heavier inside my chest. But what made me think a lot was what the right time to tell him the truth was. I didn’t want him to feel betrayed, that one day when he woke up to find I was no longer by his side.

I needed to give him time to accept it, and also gave myself time to remember all the memories about him.

The first time we held hand in my pocket, I wished the world would just stop for a while so that I could lace our fingers a bit longer and the warmth he giving me under the early snowflakes could linger in my heart.

The first time I held him in my arms, my heart nearly exploded at the blissfulness. I had long since craved for living and forced myself to live better every day in order to make up to the time afterward my presence in this world no longer existed. However that day, a part of me screamed silently for life more than ever because oh God I wanted to embrace him like that for the rest of my life.

The first time I kissed him… No word could be used to describe the feeling at that time. It was sweet, like the chocolate flavor on his lips. It was bitter as the bell of the Death was ringing in my head again.

For the second since I found out about my fate, I was scared. Of death.

The look he gazed on me made me suffocated. He didn’t query, didn’t grow angry, just burst out crying into my arms. And I knew he was suffering more than what I thought he would be.

My last days gathered many people I loved to be with me. They already knew this day would come so no one showed their sorrow too much. They didn’t want me to be worried. And I truly thanked them for that.

My eyes as always found him first among those people, even though sometimes he just simply stood at the corner of the room, sadly smiled at me. He promised not to cry for me and I was glad he was strong enough to carry on after those night without sleeping.

I have so many thing to tell him but I knew I was never good at express my feeling in word. Therefore I decided to write it down. Yixing was surprised when I gave him my favorite scarf and a letter along with my last asking for favor. He didn’t ask me why or how, just nodded his head and patted my shoulder understandingly.

The moment I closed my eyes, everything spun inside my head like a coaster ride before turning into the darkness. Then I saw him, standing in front of me with his beautiful eye smile. And I knew I was gone, peacefully.

Dear my Sehunnie,

You must be surprised as you received this letter. Don’t worry, I’m not going to haunt you….haha

Sorry, my sense of humor is the worst ^.^

I have so many things to say now but don’t know where to begin and words are really not my friends though.

I know I hurt you that much for keeping my condition for a long time and I thought it would make me feel better if you just raged at me as I expected. But frankly, I was relieved and happy when you’re still by my side after all.

Sehun ah, do you believe in fate?

I remember you once said it was fate that brought us together. I just smiled and let you thought that way but you know what, I saw you many times before I had enough courage to get into the bus that night.

And you remember the time at the orphanage? It was because I saw the post-it on the staff board and came to see you.

So, Sehun ah, it’s not because of God that we could be together. It is because you are too attracted for me to ignore, because my eyes only see you among the crowd and because you are the last piece of my heart puzzle.

God had me to see you in the first place but he also let me make my own decision whether to stay or walk away.

We are all determined a date to die but the way we live till that day is ours to choose. I couldn’t imagine how my life would be that boring if I let go my chance to get to know you. And until now, I could be proud to tell you it is the best choice I’ve ever made in my short life.

Cry if you need to, but just this one more okay, then get up and live like there is no tomorrow, because you are deserved it.

This is my beloved scarf. Use it in those next winter days until someone comes and warms up your heart.

I wish you all the best.

P/S. I love you.

Xiaolu