It has been a year, you don’t really care. You don’t want to.

This morning, even if you don’t want to, you remembered that today is already one year. You didn’t cry, you couldn’t. You haven’t spoken to anyone or even mumbling to yourself, you don’t feel to talk today and in the next 10 minutes you found yourself walk to your favorite cafѐ and not so long after, you arrived and sit on the table in front of a big window.

The butler gave you the drink you’ve ordered. A hot lattѐ, you prefer iced chocolate but not today.

It’s like the sky wants you to be mellow, the rain is pouring down, the drops of rain is smearing the window. You half grateful for the rain because it’s like the sky is crying for you.

Suddenly, there’s a vibration coming from your pocket and you realized it’s your cellphone and you regret that you didn’t silent it first. You took your phone out and checked the display to see who is the caller and it’s your boyfriend, you don’t want to make him upset or worry so you pick up his call.

“Ng, hello?” you coughed, “Where are you? I’m at your apartment.” You boyfriend said and you sighed, “I’m not at my place now, Sehun.” You massage your forehead with your free hand. “I went out early this morning. What are you doing at my place, by the way?” you ask, “I want to have breakfast with you. My mother sent me a boxful of pancakes and she wrote a letter that I should eat the pancakes with you.” He chuckles and you chuckle along with him.

Sehun is the light which guides you home, You think. Sehun is the only one who can make you smile, even though it’s not as bright as before but your smile is sincere for him.

“Okay then, it’s raining, be careful. Do you have your umbrella with you?” he asks “I got it.” you reply, “good.” He says. “Okay then, won’t disturb your quality time. Bye!” you smile at Sehun’s understanding statement, “bye!” but before you really hang up the phone, Sehun whispers “don’t cry.” and he hang up the phone.

You’re looking at your wallpaper, it’s a picture of you and Sehun. You smile at it.

Sehun.

You squeeze your phone in your hand and shove it back to your pocket, you left the not-touched glass of lattѐ and went out of the cafѐ. The rain has stopped and leave drizzle, you cover your head.

You want to meet Sehun.

Is all you can think about. The zebra cross is empty and the light is still red so you quickly walk over the zebra cross but in other hand, a frustated drunk driver is driving a truck whilst singing the song played on the radio and without caring about the traffic light and with blurry vision he keep driving over the zebra cross.

None of you or the driver know about the presence of each other until the friction between your body and the driver’s truck happens in such a fast pace.

Too fast to stopped, Too fast to know who is the victim and who is the guilty one, the traffic light changes from red to green once you passed out. Even for everyone who’s surrounding the scene, it needs time to finally realize it’s an accident.

***

You opened your eyes to a dizziness lingers in your head, you groan and with half blurry vision you look around and find yourself at your cozy and warm room. You are surprised that it was just a bad dream, a worst one but you glad that it wasn’t real.

You sat up on your bed and massage your forehead with your forefinger and your thumb, completely bewilder by the dream you had. You look at the bedside table and take your phone to call Sehun but what surprised you is, the wallpaper is not the picture of you and Sehun but the picture of you and Luhan instead, your eyes widen in shock but you still calling Sehun anyway.

“Hello?” Sehun voice can be heard, “Sehun! Where are you?” you ask and Sehun answers “err... I’m home, and why do you ask? Is Luhan Hyung not coming? He left early this morning.” There’s a confusion in his answer. You widen your eyes, “L-Luhan? He left this morning to... to my place?” you ask Sehun again and Sehun grew even more confused, “Yeah he did.” and Sehun’s answer doesn’t help your confusion at all, “a-aren’t you coming to my place?” you ask, “hey, what happens to you? Of course I am not coming, it’s you and Luhan Hyung’s date, isn’t it?” Sehun asked in a very confused voice, “did you bang your head to a wall?” Sehun ask and you shake your head even though you know Sehun can’t see it, “no I didn’t, well... umh... Thanks. I’ll hang up, b-bye Sehun.” You quickly end the phone call and stare at your cellphone’s wallpaper, it’s your favorite picture with Luhan but you have decided not to use it as wallpaper since... since Luhan died and since Sehun became your boyfriend.

You cannot stand your curiosity anymore so you jumped off of the bed and walked to the wall where you hang a calendar. You check it and surprised that it’s your 2012 calendar which you had dumped and replaced with the 2013 calendar right after the clock needle touched the number 12 in 1st January 2013.

You check the month and the date, and you didn’t expect anything more surprising than the already-dumped calendar but you find that it’s 21st March 2012.

Instead of excited, you are terrified, you hug yourself and your body shakes. Tell me this is just a dream, tell me this is just a dream... please please please...

And right at the time, there’s someone pressing your door-bell and you walked to the door. Who might that be? You were hesitated to open the door but the person keeps pressing and pressing the bell but you are afraid, you are afraid that something even worse will come to you once you open the door.

The person has finally stopped pressing the bell, you are relived but suddenly your phone rings and you looked at it. You widened your eyes once you find out who is the caller, your body shakes even harder, your right hand that holding your phone shakes too and with the rest of your nerve you finally pick up the phone.

“H-Hello?” you greet with a shaken voice, “W-who is this?” you ask. You close your eyes waiting for the caller’s answer, you have read the caller’s name but you are trying not to believe what you’ve seen. You are expecting for sensical answer, your body’s shaken too hard, you bite your lips.

“Did you erase my number? Honey~ I am your Luhan.” The answer isn’t sensical at all for you and it sends nervousness to your spine as much as you want it to be real it is too good to be true. Way too good, this is crazy.

“Are you drunk, honey? I’ve told you not to drink alcohol, you are weak.” He giggles, “what are you waiting for? Open the door, I’m bringing you breakfast.” He says and he hangs up the phone.

You blinked twice, looking at your cellphone in disbelief. You glance at the door, you were hesitated to open it but you walked to it anyway and you’re half hoping it’s just a dream and half hoping it isn’t just a dream.

You hold the door-knob and slowly open the door, ready or not you have to face the reality or in this case maybe it’s dream.

“Good morning, Honey... I come to deliver you this heavenly made pancake.” Luhan smiles widely whilst showing you a box of pancakes which you believe it’s made by his mother, you don’t give him response and just blink twice. “L-Luhan?” you ask there’s so much disbeliefness in your tone, “were you expecting someone else?” Luhan raises an eyebrow and without invitation he goes in to your apartment, you are still at loss of words.

He put the pancakes’ box on the dining table, you shake your head and trying to wake up from the way too good dream, but no matter how hard you shake or you pinch your cheeks, you’re not waking up to anything and you stay still, unmoved.

Luhan takes off his coat and turned around because he doesn’t find you around him, you’re still standing in front of the door.

“What are you doing there?” Luhan furrows his eyebrows and you look at him nervously and you quickly shake your head, Luhan walks to you and put his palm on your head and it makes you widen your eyes in shock. Shock because it feels so real when he touches you. This is not a freaking dream. You thought.

“You’re warm.” Luhan smiles, you can feel your cheeks grow warm once he shows you his smile. It’s been a year since your last time seeing that smile on his face. “Let’s eat the pancakes together, my mother made it and she wrote a letter that I should give some for you.” Luhan wraps his fingers around your wrist and he makes you sit on the sofa in your living room, he takes two plates and two couples of eating utensils. He put a pancake on each plates and gives one plate to you, “eat it, you’ll feel better.” You takes the plate and starts eating the pancake. In the situation like that when your head saves so many questions, the only thing which can help is food.

Luhan sits beside me and before he starts eating, he stares at me first and giggles then he follows me devouring the pancake.

When we finally finish eating, I take our plates to the sink and stand there for a while, still cannot believing that it’s not a dream. I put my hands on the edge of the sink to supports my upper body.

Suddenly, a pair of arms hugging me from the back and it makes me taken aback and I turn around and find Luhan with his sweet smile. “W-what are you doing, Luhan?” the hair on your arms raises due to the nervousness you’ve got, “I’m just missing you so much.” Luhan’s still wrapping his arms around my waist, I miss you even more, stupid. I said mentally.

“Can we go now?” He asks, I blink twice having no idea what Luhan is talking about, “go? Where?” I ask him back and he pouts, “you don’t remember it! We’ve planned to go on a date, haven’t we?” with that, you remember what Sehun said on the phone earlier. “Ah! The date! Of course we should go now!” you smile awkwardly to erase the pout on his face but the pout on Luhan face hasn’t dissapeared. “You really did forget about our date, right.” He folds his arms in judgemental, “I-I did not, but I was just too spaced out. I am sorry.” You cup his face and smiles, your smile is easily put one to Luhan’s face.

“Now, let me take a bath first, ok?” you unwrap Luhan’s arms from around your waist and go to the bathroom.

---

You finally remember, everything. 21st March 2012 which means a month before Luhan got into the accident. You don’t know why and how do you can turn back into past but you are very sure that you can change everything and make Luhan stay with you for the rest of his life.

You are now walking through the street with Luhan to your favorite cafѐ and you’ve expected that Luhan will take you there since you’ve had done it.

You and Luhan are walking by yourselves, you’re not holding hands but you have an urge to. You are usually will be just cool with it since relationship isn’t just meant to do skinship, but today, you really want to hold Luhan’s hand. The reason is simple, you don’t want to regret times like this when you don’t hold his hand and will feel lost once the hand will forever cannot be reached anymore.

You were shy at first because you’re not usually hold his hand first, but you don’t want to regret it later so you screw up your courage and hold his hand and it makes him surprised.

You look at him and he looks at you, you smile at him signing that you don’t want to talk about why you hold his hand in sudden and he surprisingly can understand what you want. He smiles back to you and squeezes your hand and he pulls you closer to him.

Not long after that, you and Luhan walk into the cafѐ. Luhan unlinked our hands and points to the seat next to the big window, “I’ll go ordering, you can just sit there.” I nod, “chocolate? Iced or hot?” Luhan asks fully remember what’s my favorite drink in this cafe, I smile “Iced is okay.” He puts his thumb up and walks to the counter and I go to the seat. The seat was empty too on the first 21st March 2012 but you don’t have anything to be awared of in this date so you calmy sit there and wait for Luhan.

The date’s going well, everything’s going really well, you even now believe that you get a chance to change everything for the better.

---

“Happy birthday Luhan! Happy birthday Luhan! Happy birthday, Happy birthday! Happy birthday Luhan!” you hold a cheesecake on your hands with the candles flamed on top of it, Sehun follows beside you. Luhan who’s still sleeping, opens his eyes and finds his favorite cheesecake with candles flamed on top of it held by his dearest girlfriend, he laughs and fixes his hair.

“Wake up Luhan, it’s your birthday you have to wake up earlier!” you tease and pinch his cheek, he chuckles and still fixing his hair he says “you really don’t have to.” And Sehun’s ready with his camera, “say cheese, hyung!” and clicks! First picture of Luhan’s birthday.

“Hey why did you do that! Give me the camera!” Luhan is about to reach the camera in Sehun’s hand but you grab his hand just in time, “hey, how about you blow the candles and make a wish first?” you say sarcastically, he scratches the back of his neck and nods. You bring the cake in front of Luhan’s face so he can blow the candles easily.

Luhan closes his eyes and makes a wish, he opens his eyes then he blows all the candles off.

“Happy birthday, Honey!” you kiss his cheek and secretly poke the icing from the cake and you are about to poke Luhan’s face with the icing once you pull from the kiss but Luhan knows your evil plan and grabs your wrist before you can poke him. He shakes his head mischievously, “no, you can’t.” he brings your icing covered finger tip to his mouth and it off, you know that he’ll do that but however it stills surprised you.

Luhan smirks to you and stucks his tongue out, your face blushes.

It’s not your first time but your face blushes even redder than the first time. Maybe because you didn’t expect to experience it for the second time, the thing which you thought will just happens for once turns out to happens twice.

Luhan leans closer and kisses your cheek but for not too long, “you should see your face.” he teases and you are about to throw yells at him but suddenly there’s a strange cough coming from beside you and Luhan. You and Luhan look to the same direction, to Sehun who stands there holding a camera.

“I think I’ve got enough picture, I think I will just go now.” Sehun awkwardly walks out of the room and leaves both of you in shame.

You are actually not that shame, instead you’re having a thought of Sehun. He’s so nice to you and Luhan but you’d never expected when he first confessed to you asking whether he can replaced Luhan in your heart or not, you like him, he looks quite similar to Luhan but it wasn’t just his look that made you accept him. He was sincere when he said that he’s willing to replaced Luhan in cheering your day.

“Hey! Hey!” Luhan flicks his fingers in front of your face and it makes you wake from your thoughts.

“Hm, what?” you look at Luhan who smiles widely, “have you prepared your gift for me?” he asks and receives a hit on the arm from you, “you are 20, Luhan! And you’re still expecting gift?” you pretend to scold him. He pouts, “even so... you will still give me my gift, right?” his eyes sparkle in hope and you shake your head, “no I don’t have any gift for you.” You throw a pillow to him.

“You better wake up and take a bath, this is your bithday old man!”

---

Sehun walks into the room whilst holding a plastic bag from the nearest kimbab shop. He takes a sit in the usual chair he uses whenever he comes and checks on you.

He puts the plastic bag on the bedside table, he doesn’t really have apetite but he needs to eat so that he can keep checking on your condition in the hospital. Sehun sighs, not because he’s tired taking care of the unconscious you, but because he’s so worried that you hasn’t opened your eyes even just a second since you’ve got into the accident.

Neither Sehun or you make sound, the only sound can be heard is the electrocardiogram which showing your heartbeat and despite that Sehun hates the sound of that thing so much but he’s grateful that the thing is still showing a good result of your condition. Even though you’re not conscious, but that thing helps to convice Sehun that you are still alive.

Sehun caresses your soft cheek, “I shouldn’t have let you go.” Sehun starts to cry softly, he knows you won’t be happy if you see him cry but it’s too much for Sehun to bear.

---

“Open it, Han.” You give him a little box covered in red with a ribbon on top of it. Luhan smiles, “this can’t be a ring, is it?” he jokes, I give him a whack “aren’t you supposed to be the one who give me ring?” I laugh and he laughs along whilst opening his gift.

“Cool!” Luhan takes out a brand new watch from the box, I bite my lower lip and smile at his reaction. He tries the watch and beams, “thank you, I like it!” he leans closer and kisses me and quickly pulls away.

“Let’s eat! I’ll take out the steak now, ok?” Luhan goes to the kitchen and comes back with two plates of steak.

You and Luhan eat together and laugh and talk and do what both of you usually do in each other’s birthday, everything goes really well.

“Yeah, okay... Okay mom, love you.” You hung up the phone and Luhan looks at you with curious look in his eyes and you immediately know what he wants to know, “my mom, she wishes you happy birthday.” You told him and you put down your cellphone on the table and take a sip of your cola.

Luhan glances at his new watch, “it’s almost midnight, let’s go I’ll send you home.” Luhan smiles sheepishly and you chuckle “oh my, how care my boyfriend is. My gift is really working I guess.” You tease and he shyly scratches the back of his neck.

“Let’s go then, I’m sleepy already.” You get up and walk to the parking lot with Luhan to get his car,

“Don’t you want to stay in my apartment for the night?” Luhan mischievously asks and you hit his head playfully, “aish! This old man, I know you’re now 20 but I’m hoping you can ditch that ert thoughts of yours.” You say and he pouts, “I was just kidding.” And he drives you to home.

---

The next day, you wake up late. “Oh, ottokhae! How come did I wake late? Where’s the alarm.” You’re dizzily trying to reach your cellphone but it’s nowhere on the bedside table and the dissapearance wakes the panic in you.

“Where is it? Where is it?” You panicly search around, and you suddenly remember something.

This can’t be... you mumble mentally and quickly wear your coat and slippers and sprint off to the gorund floor of your apartment building to search for payphone. You dial Sehun’s phone number and you feel like it takes zillion years for Sehun to answer the call.

“Hello, who is this?” Sehun greets, “Sehun!” you shriek. “hey, why are you calling? whose number is it?” Sehun asks but Sehun’s questions are not more than just a wind breeze for you, “where’ Luhan?” you ask.

“Luhan is going to your place, you left your cellphone last night and Luhan wanted to give it back to you so he went to your place. Hasn’t he arrived yet?” your eyes grow warmer and redder, you shut off the phone and run out of your apartment looking for your boyfriend.

How fool of me! You curse yoursef mentally, I shouldn’t have left my cellphone last night! If i don’t quickly find him, he will be....

You keep running and running, and finally you find Luhan stand behind the zebra cross waiting for the traffic ligt turns red. He’s the only one who wants to cross the road.

You want to yell, tell him not to cross the road but you’re late, the light’s already turned red and Luhan walks over the zebra cross. I can’t let this happen for the second time! You run to save your boyfriend, If I’m late, he’ll be...

Swing...

Everything happens too fast for you to notice. Your heart’s panting really hard, you weakly open your eyes. Luhan’s laying down on the road beside you, his body smeared with blood and so is yours.

Luhan... you want to scream but nothing came our of your mouth, and you pass out.

---

You open your eyes again but you don’t find yourself in your bedroom again. It’s a white painted room, but it is too wide to be called a room.

You are not smeared with blood, you’re not wearing your pajamas.

“How did I? How come...” you’re surprised that you’re wearing a white pretty gown, “you are always curious, aren’t you?” suddenly a familiar voice asks you. You look around, nobody’s around, but once you look to the front, there’s someone appearing from the mist.

“Who are you?” you ask when the person’s face hasn’t seen yet, “I’m Luhan.” and he walks closer to you and you widen your eyes, it’s really him.

“Miss me so much?” Luhan smiles, “you? How? Didn’t you just...” you are so confused at that time and Luhan does not answer anything and just chuckles. “Sit down.” He invites, and he sits on a suddenly-present bench and you follow him.

“How’s life?” Luhan asks you, it takes time for you to answer him since you don’t want Luhan to know that your life has been so gloomy since he left you. “I...I’m fine.” You finally manage to answer.

“How’s Sehun?” he asks and smiles mischievously, “he... he’s fine.” You answer shyly. “How’s your relationship with him? Everything’s going well, right?” he asks again and by that question your eyes grow warmer and redder, there’s a pool of tears on the edge of your eyes.

“I... I don’t know...” you finally tear up, you cover your face with your palms. You don’t care whether it’s the real Luhan or not, but you really have to spit out what’s on your mind.

“My life’s been so hard since you left, Han. It’s less heavy when Sehun’s finally came but it’s never be the same anymore. I thought I can change everything about your accident, but I was too preoccupied by the fantasy I had on my mind, I was too happy that I could finally see you again even if I don’t know is that a dream or not. I miss you so much, Han, I almost can’t live well without you.” You cry, it’s not a protest you just happen to spit out, it’s a pain. A pain which you’ve been saved for yourself for too long.

Suddenly you feel a pair of arms wrapped around you, and you stop shaken because of the hug. You finally uncover your face and find Luhan with his sweet smile, your favorite smile, in front of you, hugging you like he always did.

“I didn’t mean to make your life a crap, I didn’t mean to leave you either. It’s the fate that we can’t avoid. If I’m able, I will never leave your side ever, but fate told me to go and we have to accept that even if it’s hard. I love you, I will always do. Even if I’m far from you, even if you might not be able to see me again after, even if there’s Sehun now beside you, I’m hoping that you won’t forget that I will always love you. Fate can make distance between us but it’ll never change the feelings of ours.” Luhan says softly, you hasn’t stopped tearing but you’ve calmed by his words.

“now you have Sehun, I hope he can lead you for the better life. He’s my brother, I know he loves you as much as I do and I hope you can take care of him for me too. I’m wishing you happiness with him.” Luhan smiles and you nod your head, “I’m sorry for not being loyal to you.” You whisper and Luhan chuckles, “you are way too loyal for me that I’m afraid I don’t deserve you from the first place. Stop thinking like that, okay? Sehun will always be there for you to replace me, he’s so nice and he’ll never cheat on you, he’ll always be there for you. He’s the right person for you.” Luhan encourages and you just nod again.

You have stopped crying and he loosens his hug, “have you calmed down?” Luhan asks and you nod again. You really enjoy yourself being in his embrace.

“now that you’ve calmed, I hope you can accept everything now.” Luhan says and you again and again just give a nod as response, “I need to go now.” Luhan leans closer and kisses your forehead, “I love you.”

And Luhan dissapears from your sight.

---

Sehun holds your hand tightly and looks at you miserably. Why does she have to go through this? Sehun prays, I don’t want to lose the person I love again. Sehun tightens the hold, please let her live.

And right after Sehun praying, the hand of the woman he loved moves in his hold and it surprises Sehun. “s-she’s moving!” Sehun excitedly moves your hand, “are you awake, yet? Please, don’t leave me... I want you by my side. Please...” Sehun begs.

Slowly, you open your eyes but it seems like you just cried, your eyes are so red like Sehun’s are.

“Y-you’re awake!” Sehun cries, you don’t answer him.

The sight of Sehun crying because of your consciousness really touches your heart. You smile at him, Luhan’s right, he’s the right person for you.

You move your lips to say something and Sehun is aware of that, “you want to say something?” Sehun asks and you, with all of your strength, say “Thanks.....” you stop and pant softly, for always being here for me, you continue in mind. “I... Love... You...” and you start tearing up again.

“All you have to do to erase the sadness is, stay alive and treasure what you’ve got today.”