I watched him grow for what felt like such a long time. His expression was rarely happy, but he tried his best to feign contentment when in the presence of friends and family so they didn’t have to worry about him. I would also try my best to learn more about my capabilities in this not-life. It wasn’t as lavish and magical as you’d think; there were no wings or pearly gates. People, including him, would walk and see right through me. If I’d ever felt useless or lonely when I was alive, it was nothing compared to this feeling. I watched him cry his eyes out when no one was around, and there was nothing I could do. I knew every smile he gave them was fake. He hadn’t smiled in such a long time…

                As I watched over him, I found my desires for him to slowly change. At first, in the beginning months of it all, I just wanted him to get happy. I wanted him to live for the both of us, using the memory of me as motivation to keep going with his life and make me proud. However, as time progressed as his grief only proved to worsen, I found myself wanting him to just forget about me. It’d surprised me at first, considering I loved him so much. Why would I want him to forget? But as I thought on it, I realized that I wanted him to forget so that he would be happy again. If forgetting everything we had meant that he would smile genuinely again, I’d be more than willing to take those memories away. It would hurt, but it’s not like I wasn’t used to it. I spent most of the time I was in love with him watching from afar. But of course, I didn’t have the power to do that, so every night, I had to watch as he would re-watch the old videos and pictures on his phone. Our voices resonated from the low quality speakers, drowning out the small sobs that escaped his lips.

“Hyung, what are you doing?” I asked in the video, laughing softly.

“What does it look like, Minnie? I’m filming you!” Minho replied enthusiastically.

“But why, hyung?” my voice said in the video.

“I want to remember this. I want us to make lots of memories together!”

“I never thought you were so sentimental, Minho hyung.”

“Not until I met you.”

“What?”

“Um...n-nothing,” Minho’s voice from the video stuttered. It ended there. It was such a cute memory, but it became so bitter after my passing.

Listening to your own voice in recordings and other things is so strange when you’re dead. It’s just…sad. It reminds me of how dead I actually am, and that thought is depressing in of itself. But that coupled with watching the one I love writhe is pure torture.

The first year of watching him was grey, making me feel guilty and inadequate. Why did he have to fall in love with me? These feelings had all left when that night came; the night that I touched Minho for the first time since my passing. It probably seems silly that I hadn’t done it sooner, but it killed me so much when I passed through people, I couldn’t stand the idea of Minho himself doing the same, so I never touched him.

He was sitting on the couch, curled up with his face in his hands. I hated seeing him like that. I loved my smiling Minho, yet every day I only saw him upset. I needed to do something, even if it meant making me feel worse. I wrapped my arms around his neck, watching as he shivered at the almost-contact. He removed his face from his hands and tilted his head back, closing his eyes. Slowly, I leaned down and planted a soft, quick kiss on his lips. The contact itself wasn’t there, but I knew we both felt the same sensation. I knew he had felt it, because when I pulled my lips away from his, he muttered a small ‘saranghae.’ I smiled and kissed him again, this time letting my lips linger for a little longer. His tears stopped, and he kept his eyes closed as he brought as hand up and my cheek. I touched his hand lovingly and muttered a ‘saranghae’ back to him. He smiled, but the tears started up again.

“It’s like I can almost hear you,” his voice cracked. “You’re here, aren’t you, Taemin?”

I responded by kissing him again. When I pulled away, he lay down on the couch, and I lay on top of him. I couldn’t actually “feel” him, but something about the warmth that resonated off of him just made me feel alive. I closed my eyes just as he did, and laid there in total content. Yes, I was dead. But at least I could do this for him…

When I’d opened my eyes, I was no longer on top of Minho. I was laying in the grass at the park. I looked around, confused, and sat up. I spotted Minho sitting on a swing and ran over to him. I didn’t exactly know what was going on, but even in such an odd situation, I never expected Minho to see me. He got up from his swing and bounded toward me, pulling me into a hug and muttering sweet things in my ear.  We hugged, laughed, cried, and kissed frantically. We’d missed each other so much, even though we’d been so close since the year I’d died. So close, yet so far away.

When we’d finally calmed down enough, we curled up in the grass together. Minho played with my hair as I cuddled up against him, taking in his very essence. He was just so wonderful; I’d missed experiencing moments like these. Finally, he’d asked me:

“So…in the living room…that wasn’t a dream?”

“Nope,” I smiled. “That was me.”

“My dream come true,” he chuckled, kissing my forehead.

“Omo! You’re so cheesy, hyung,” I laughed.

“You love it.”

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

“So if this is a dream, how can you coherently talk to me and remember everything that happened before you went to bed? For someone who’s dreaming, you sure are conscious,” I pointed out.

“Maybe this isn’t a dream?” he suggested. I raised an eyebrow, and he elaborated. “Maybe we’re not inside a dream, but literally inside my head, or like…my soul?”

“Our souls are talking then?”

“I guess,” he shrugged.

“Well, whatever this is, I like it. I’ve missed you. It’s hard watching you be so upset all the time,” I sighed.

“I’m sorry…”

“Don’t be. It’s natural,” I assured him. “I guess I just didn’t expect the grief to last this long. But I guess love isn’t exactly something you can control, huh?”

“Yeah…I really am sorry, though. I know you wanted me to carry on for both of us, but I…I can’t bring myself to do it. I just feel so empty without you.”

“I understand,” I nodded, kissing his cheek.

“Would you think less of me if I said I’d considered…ending it?” he asked softly.

I shook my head and kissed his lips again. “I could never judge you for that, though I wish you wouldn’t. You have so much to live for-”

“Not without you!” he objected.

“Please…I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if you did.”

“You don’t have to,” he muttered, trying to be funny, but depressing himself in the process.

“Too soon for those jokes, I see,” I chuckled sadly, caressing his cheek. “Don’t worry, Minho. I really want you to live for yourself but…I’ll be honest: Sometimes I do really wish you’d just join me. Other times I wish you’d forget me and carry on with your life. In the end, I guess we’re both in the wrong. Honestly, this is all your decision. I can’t force you to do or not do anything.”

I can’t say whether or not I regret saying that. When Minho awoke, I was surprised by how calm I was when he made a b-line to the medicine cabinet and raided it. He still had my final prescription of beta blockers, and several other miscellaneous pills. He grabbed the blockers and a bottle of painkillers, then went to his room with the meds and a glass of water. I could already tell my words from our dream-meet were resonating in his head.

“So what’s dying like?” he asked me nervously.

“It’s…not what you’d think. It’s like an out-of-body experience that never stops. When I died, I out for a couple seconds, and then woke up. But when I moved, I literally moved out of my body. I turned and looked at the both of us, and walked with you when you carried me out of the park. It was strange seeing my body like that. It’s weird hearing it in videos, too. It’s only when I see and hear things like that that I really realize that I’m dead.”

Minho looked down at the pills in his left hand, the water in his right. He popped the pills, starting with the beta blockers, in his mouth, followed by the water. He then started popping the pain killers. It was half an hour before he went through the whole bottle. He laid down, and once again, I laid next to him. It’s funny how many things happened in this bed. We had for the first time on this bed, and now he was going to die on it. Perhaps it’s because I knew what was going to happen, but I wasn’t really scared or worried. I knew everything was going to be alright. So when his eyes closed and his heart started to slow down, all I did was touch his hands, feeling the warmth slowly go away.

I sat up, watching as he left his body. He looked down at his hands, looking a bit freaked out. I grabbed one of his hands and adverted his attention, bring his eyes to me. He grinned and pulled me into a hug, one that I could actually feel.

“I love you,” he muttered over and over again. I kissed him and held him as close as I could.

However, we didn’t stay like that. As we walked out of the house, hand in hand, I noticed that the world outside didn’t exactly look right. Everything was grey, completely devoid of color. I looked to Minho, hoping for an answer, but he seemed to be just as confused as I was. I bit my lip, a sudden realization hitting me. I just…I didn’t know how the information got in my head. It just did.

“We’re splitting up, aren’t we?” Minho asked, making it clear that he knew it, too.

“Perhaps…but- Hyung, I’m never leaving you. Even if whatever or whoever is controlling this says I am, I won’t leave you!” I cried, wrapping my arms around him and burying my face in his chest.

“I know, baby, I know,” he whispers. “I won’t leave you, either. Even if we’re separated, I’ll find you…”

We walked the grey world, looking around for any signs of life. As we went, I seriously began to wonder how human beings came up with the concept of heaven. This was nowhere near the beautiful gates and singing angels that I was told of. Yet somehow, I still knew this world wouldn’t be seeing us for long. I held Minho’s hand tight as we continued down the sidewalk toward a light we could not identify. It got brighter and brighter as we got closer. We said our “I love you’s” again, and were slowly enveloped in the warm light.

“Jongin, wake up! This is your last warning!”

I groaned as I heard my mom give me the third wakeup call of the morning. It was safe to say that I was a class A narcoleptic, and I wasn’t giving up that title any time soon. However, I wasn’t exactly fond of the idea of getting water dumped on me (because she was that evil, and would definitely stick to her word with those threats), so I rolled out of bed and headed to the bathroom. After sluggishly completing my morning ritual, I slumped down the stairs and into the kitchen. If I was going to walk at my normal pace, there was no way I was going to make it if I ate breakfast. I resorted to grabbing a cereal bar from the pantry (er…more like five), and headed out the door before mom could scold me for grabbing so many.

On the way to school, LuHan caught up to me, looking more excited than usual.

“What’s up, hyung?” I asked, wondering why he was such a beaming ball of sunshine so early in the morning.

“My cousin is coming!” he exclaimed, his accent heavy.

“Cousin?” I questioned him. I didn’t know LuHan had any relatives that moved to Korea.

“Shi de, his name is YiXing,” LuHan nodded. “But we usually call him Lay.”

“Ah, good, a nickname. That makes things easier,” I sighed in relief. My Mandarin pronunciation was horrible.

“I’ll introduce him to you at lunch,” Lu assured me. The rest of the walk consisted of LuHan rambling on as I grunted in response. Mornings were not a time for intellectual conversations…or normal conversations…or just speaking in general. You can’t expect me to form coherent sentences before noon.

My teachers were used to my normal sluggishness during the morning, but once noon rolled around, I was well awake. Even better, I had lunch, which meant I could finish all the work I didn’t do over the weekend.  I sat at our usual table and waited for LuHan. I started on my math homework as I waited, turning when I heard someone call my name. I saw LuHan bounding toward me with…the most beautiful person I’d ever seen. Was that Lay?

It was strange. Though he and I had never met, I felt like I knew him for years. Lu was surprised to see me and Lay hit it off so quickly. He and I were chatting with each other so much that Lu had to but in at a point and remind us he was there. Things went so well that, before I realized it, I was set up to meet up with Lay after school and show him around the neighborhood.

The day dragged after that. Time was teasing me and made every class seem protracted and difficult to get through. I couldn’t explain why, but the prospect of seeing Lay and talking with him was just invigorating. By the time my final class came, I was tapping my feet anxiously on the floor and strumming my fingers on my desk (much to the annoyance of those sitting by me). As soon as the bell sounded, I practically flew out of the room, my heart doing flips. I even ran past Lu, who waited for me at my locker.

Lay and I grinned at each other, and he followed me along the sidewalk. I lead him to a park that I loved, going to sit on the swing and looking up at him brightly. I don’t know why, but ever since I was a kid, I was attracted to this place, and the very swing I sat on. I also loved the top of the slide, though sitting on that platform sometimes made me feel nostalgic with memories I didn’t have. I got the same feeling of attraction when I looked at Lay, and when he came up behind me and pushed me on the swing, I felt my heart skip a beat. I raised an eyebrow when he took out his phone and started filming.

“Hyung, what are you doing?” I asked, laughing softly.

“What does it look like, Jongie? I’m filming you!” Lay replied enthusiastically.

“But why, hyung?”

“I want us to make a lot of memories together,” he said, and I could tell he had the same nostalgic feeling, too.

“I didn’t think you were going to be so sentimental,” I chuckled.

“I didn’t, either. Not until I met you.”

“What?”

“Um…n-nothing,” he stuttered, stopping his recording and slipping his phone back into his pocket. “I uh…have something to confess.”

“I’m all ears,” I smiled, motioning for him to sit on the swing next to me. “I have something, too.”

“Ah, good, I’m not alone,” he grinned, sitting down on the swing and briefly gathering his thoughts before speaking. “It’s hard to describe but…I feel like…we’ve met before,” he started. “Like, I know we haven’t, but there’s something about the way you look and talk that reminds me of someone I feel like I’ve met in my dreams.”

“I have the same feeling!” I gasped. “I mean, it’s so weird! I feel like I’ve been searching for you my whole life, yet we’ve never met before!”

“That sounds like a love confession,” he teased.

“What if it is~?” I joked, winking at him playfully. I was taken aback when he grabbed my hand and laced our fingers together.

“If it is, then I accept,” he said. “I don’t know what this feeling is, Jongin, but I know there’s something about you that makes me…need you. Let’s take it slow, ne? We have all the time in the world.”

I blushed and nodded, looking down at our intertwined hands and then back to him. Slowly, my eyes wandered to the sunset that was illuminating the sky. The nostalgia was coming at full force now, and then I remembered something.

“Have you ever heard the story of the lovers from around here?” I asked softly. Lay shook his head.

“Well, awhile back, a couple years before I was born, there was this boy with cardiac arrhythmia, and he died really young. But before he died, he had this boyfriend who sat here in the park with him all night, holding him and watching the sunrise with him. They watched it set and rise together, and when the sun was all the way up in the sky, the boy had died. His boyfriend carried him out of the park, and continued to love him, even after he was dead. He died a year afterward, and people say he did it to be with his lover again…”

“That’s so sad,” Lay muttered. “I feel like I’ve heard that story before.”

“Yeah… it makes you really appreciate the time you have, huh, Minho?”

“It does. But at least we know we have time now, right, Tae?”

“Right,” I smiled, squeezing his hand. “I knew I would find you again.”

A/N: And thus, it is officially over. Thank you for all of your support <3 

Love,

Minnie