I have been in love once. At least I thought it was love. I was 14 at the time and I'm sure many people would argue that a boy that young couldn't possibly know what real love is. But I believe, still to this day, after ten years, that it was love.

 

I was a rather serious boy. I am smart and I'm often thought to be older than I am and it was already so back then. I do think very highly of myself, but I am not the only one. I am quite popular, have been for several years. I'm good at what I do and I've learned to enjoy it also.

 

See, I'm a singer. A pop star. I'm half of one of Asia's most successful duos. We are called TVXQ and I am MAX, or Choikang Changmin. Those are my stage names. To my friends and the boy I loved, and still love I guess, I'm just Changmin.

 

I ended up in this profession kind of accidentally. I took part in a singing competition when my mother said I should do it and I thought there would be no harm done for indulging her this once. Unfortunaly, or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, I was successful in the competition and soon found myself as a trainee in a huge company and pretty soon after that I was already debuting as a duo with another boy. It was a bit of a shock as I hadn't actually considered any career yet and suddenly I had one ahead of me. I became friends with my partner Yunho and our career has been rather satisfactory, but truthfully I've only started truly enjoying it recently.

 

It could be that the first years after our debut for me were shadowed by the loss of the boy I loved.

 

When I met him a few days after I entered the company, he saved me from drowning in my dark thoughts about the future that awaited me. He was the reason I started to feel lucky having been successful in the competition.

 

I wasn't all that happy about my new position as a trainee at first. A career in entertainment hadn't even occurred to me before and it required me to move away from home to a dorm with a lot of other kids. I've always been a rather private person too and I wasn't used to the kind of ruckus some of the other people were creating.

 

I stayed in my room a lot and hardly interacted with the other boys and girls and concentrated on my school work and the training. I wasn't the most talented person there, but I worked hard as I always do. I don't like losing.

 

That dorm was where I met him. I was minding my own business as usual when he suddenly appeared seemingly out of nowhere.

”Please draw me a zebra,” he said to me. That was the first thing he said to me. Now, I wasn't much of an artist back then and I must admit my drawing skills are still not that excellent. Though I am better than Yunho.

”I can't really draw,” I said to him.

”That doesn't matter, draw me a zebra,” he said again. It was becoming clear very soon that this boy was pretty stubborn and it wouldn't be easy to get rid of him. I had more important things to do than listening to his demands so I took a piece of paper and quickly sketched him a zebra.

 

He seemed rather sceptical of my drawing at first but after some serious inspection he apparently deemed it fitting for whatever purpose he wanted it for. As he had his zebra, I thought he would now leave me alone. As you can see, this was not love at first sight. I don't believe in things like that.

 

Of course I was wrong in thinking he would be satisfied with just one zebra. After a moment of careful consideration, or that's what it looked like to me, he drew my attention to himself again.

”Please draw me a girl,” he said. I looked at him, thoroughly confused.

”Why do you want me to draw a girl?” I asked. My confusion must have been evident on my face as he huffed and looked at me like I was the silliest person on earth.

”I need someone to take care of the zebra while I'm busy,” he aswered. This was so logical in all it's ridiculousness that I took another paper and tried my best to draw him a girl cabable of taking care of a zebra. I gave my drawing to him and again he took his time looking at it.

”She's pretty ugly,” he said after a moment ”but I guess she'll be ok. At least my friend won't get jealous.” I was puzzled I must say. He was a very strange boy and I didn't even know him at all yet.

”Why is she in a frame?” he asked suddenly, interrupting my musings.

”Uh well, it's a magical frame, it's like her home. Like in Harry Potter books. You wouldn't want her to be homeless right?” I tried. He looked at me weirdly for a moment and I was sure he would demand a better explanation, the paintings in those books didn't even really work like that, but to my surprise he seemed to finally accept it and smiled brightly.

”Thank you,” he said and was gone almost as suddenly as he had appeared.

 

That was my first meeting with Jaejoong. And that last smile, I think, was the moment that made me start falling for him.

 

Of course I didn't learn his name on that first meeting, nor the second one either. It actually took quite a while before I found out. I had dubbed him as the weird boy who asks a lot of questions in my mind. After that first meeting he made it a habit to appear in my room at odd times almost every day and ask all kinds of questions. He never let go of any of them before he had gotten an answer. His behavior was often kind of childish and you'd think he was younger than me but actually he was two years older. At one point I started suspecting that he was making fun of me.

 

The thing about Jaejoong was that he was kind of a mystery. He never really answered any questions. Everything I learned about him I found out through his ramblings as sidenotes and just working things out on my own. It took me over a week to learn his name and age and even longer to hear he actually had some friends in the company. Or just one friend and a bunch of people he spent time with occasionally. Jaejoong talked a lot and sometimes I didn't even know if he was joking or making things up. Most trainees thought he was weird and some even saw him as too weird to associate with. Everyone agreed that he was one of the most beautiful boys they had ever seen.

 

And he really was. He wasn't traditionally handsome, he had more of that feminine beauty in him. He had staight black hair that was a bit too long for a guy and cut in layers, kind of like those Japanese rockers at the time but with less make up. He didn't need the make up. He had really light skin and huge dark eyes.

 

Anyway, after a couple of weeks of answering his endless questions the best I could, I got to hear more about him. He came to my room in the evening and sat on my bed. I was mentally preparing to answer another flood of questions but instead he just sat there quietly for a long moment. Finally he started talking.

”Do you know how lonely it feels when you miss someone you haven't seen for a long time?” he said, and even though it was in the form of a question, I got a feeling he wasn't expecting an answer this time so I stayed quiet.

”My home isn't very big and there's only one other person there. Junsu is my best friend. I really miss him,” he continued. This confused me because even though he was older than me, he was still only sixteen. Shouldn't he live with his parents? I had had really bad luck with getting any answers from him before, but I decided to try my luck and ask anyway.

”No,” was his very short answer, but that was more than nothing, right? I never got to know if he was lying or if he really didn't have any or why it was so.

 

Some time after this I finally got to know more. I first heard it from the other trainees. They said Jaejoong thought he came from another planet. This was never actually confirmed to be either true or false. I didn't really believe it back then, but I have lived the past ten years wanting to believe him. This revelation brought me back to the question about his parents and the best friend and on one night I finally got to hear his story.

 

”Do you think you could ride a zebra like you can a horse?” Jaejoong asked me.

”I don't really know. Why would you want to ride a zebra?” I asked him. I had gotten used to his questions and they hardly ever surprised me anymore. ”If you wanted to ride it, why didn't you ask for a horse?” I continued. I knew he would have a reason. He always did.

”A zebra looks prettier and is more exotic. I wanted to give Junsu something to entertain him and he is very picky about things like this,” he told me. It turned out Jaejoong hadn't had many friends as a child. Junsu was the first person he considered a friend. Apparently Junsu had appeared in his home one day out of nowhere. Jaejoong didn't know where he came from or why, but he had instantly grown attached to the bubbly boy with a lovely voice. Jaejoong told me how Junsu had sang beautiful songs to fill the quietness of their home and he had loved him for that, but Junsu had also a bit of a diva in him. He wanted to be recognized and praised for his singing and he got mad when Jaejoong didn't have time to entertain him.

 

This also brought us to the issue of why Jaejoong left his home. Junsu's demanding nature had finally started to make Jaejoong uncomfortable and sad. He loved his friend dearly, but didn't know what to do with him. He hadn't wanted to tell Junsu to leave so he had left instead.

”I shouldn't have left him like that. I ran away and it made me even more sad,” he said to me. ”I didn't understand him and I should have talked to him so he would have understood me better too.”

They had said goodbyes to each other and Junsu had even apologized for his whining and bad behavior. Jaejoong never backed down from a decision he had already made.

 

Over the next couple of days Jaejoong told me about all the people he had met after he left his home. First there had been someone Jaejoong called the King. Jaejoong had found him to be a bit strange as he had thought he could rule over everything. One can't really rule over everything in this world. When Jaejoong told me about their conversation I thought the guy was slightly crazy but not really a bad person. Thinking this made me a bit uncomfortable in the next second when it came apparent that this person was the head of our company as he had taken Jaejoong in as a trainee.

 

As a trainee Jaejoong had met many other trainees. He told me about Heechul who thought himself to be very pretty and was quite vain. I knew the guy and couldn't help laughing when Jaejoong told me about their first meeting where Heechul had told Jaejoong to admire him and had then proceeded to bow very theatrically.

 

There is a person in our company who is even more angsty than I was in my first days of staying here. Jaejoong had caught Yoochun one night drinking in his room. Drinking isn't really allowed, especially when we're mostly underaged, but some kids still did it when there was no one around to stop them. Yoochun though, drank when he was sad. And he was always sad. If he wasn't, he came up with some reason to be sad so he would have a reason to drink. Jaejoong had felt sorry for him and he told me he sometimes went to Yoochun's room to try to cheer him up.

 

There were many others I could recognize from Jaejoong's stories too. The way he described Leeteuk endlessly working and doing his best even when he was tired and the way he told me about Yesung's will to explore and Donghae's sillyness made me smile. It had been Donghae who had encouraged Jaejoong to get to know the company better.

 

While trying to find people who could be his friends, Jaejoong had met Kyuhyun. I didn't know him yet back then, but I do now. And while quite charming in his own way, he can also be very mean and cunning. They had talked for a while and I believe Kyuhyun learned more about Jaejoong in that one conversation that I had learned in over a week. It made me a bit jealous and when Jaejoong said Kyuhyun had promised to help him if he ever wanted to go back home I decided I wanted to keep the two as far away from each other as possible. Of course I couldn't really do that, but damn I really wanted to.

 

Jaejoong had thought Junsu was the best singer in the whole world and it came as a bit of a shock to him when many of the people in the company were also very good and some even incredible. It made him very sad thinking that Junsu wasn't as special as he had thought he was and for a while he felt lost. That's when he had met Yunho. Yes, this is the same Yunho that is now my partner in our band.

 

Jaejoong had been sitting in some corner when Yunho had found him and went to say hello. Yunho has some strange habits and he doesn't trust people easily. Still he is very likeable and he can be very wise when he wants to be. I later heard from him the whole story of how they became friends, but I don't think that's really important for me to tell here. Yunho had made Jaejoong see how Junsu was still special because he was Jaejoong's friend. They had talked a lot about the training and the challenges they met daily. Yunho had been the first person Jaejoong had told that he came from another planet. Yunho had believed him. That's another thing about Yunho. He doesn't trust people, but when he becomes friends with someone, when you win his trust, he is very loyal and he never doubts his friends.

 

Jaejoong had been very happy to have a friend like Yunho, but he had started to miss Junsu. He had started to wander around the dorm and that's how he had eventually ended up in my room. He said he felt like I could understand him because I missed my home too.

 

One night we had talked for a long time and it was getting very late. I hadn't even gone to dinner and was getting hungry. I told Jaejoong I would go get something to eat and could walk him to his room, but he said he was too tired. I hesitated for a moment. I had truly fallen in love with him and it might be a bad idea to let him sleep in my room, but I didn't have much of a choice. He was too heavy for me to carry and if he had decided to stay it would have been hopeless to try to get him to leave. He never backed down from what he had decided.

 

When I came back to my room that night he had fallen asleep on my bed. I admit I felt a bit like a creep watching him sleep, but he truly was beautiful in the moonlight shining through he window. I slept on the floor that night.

 

The days I got to spent with Jaejoong were the happiest of my life. I left my room to explore with him after our training hours. We talked about things that made no sense and things that made almost too much sense. I loved it when he laughed. He asked me to draw things for him and I did my best even though my weak tries usually made him laugh even more. I didn't mind. I was glad he was happy.

 

But he wasn't happy enough to stay. One night when my training had run late I went to look for him and found him sitting on a couch in the cafeteria. I couldn't see very well, but it sounded like he was talking to someone.

”Are you sure this is going to work?” he was saying. When I got closer I could see another person sitting in an armchair opposite to him. My blood ran cold when I noticed it was Kyuhyun. To me this meant bad news. Something was going to happen and I wasn't going to like it. I had never seen the two of them talking. The only reason I recognized him was because I had looked for a picture of him once when I had been feeling very jealous and worried that Jaejoong would actually leave.

 

When I walked over to them Kyuhyun stood up and bowed his head a little before he left. I looked at Jaejoong.

”What are you doing?” I asked. Nervous and scared of his answer I sat beside him. Not too close, but close enough to feel him still there.

”It's quite sad to be away from someone you care about for a long time,” he said. That didn't really answer my question. ”Do you think Junsu cried when I left him? I've learned that saying goodbye can make a person cry if you've grown attached to the person you have to leave.” Now I was getting very scared. This didn't sound good at all.

”What are you planning?” I asked. My voice was shaking.

”I think I've been away from home for too long. I need to go back,” he said, and this was more of an answer than I needed. This was the answer I had been afraid of. He was leaving.

”What about me? Won't you miss me?” I tried to reason with him that night on the couch even though I knew it would be futile. He wouldn't change his mind. He never did.

 

Finally I ended up just holding him in my arms. I told him I loved him and stole a kiss from his lips. He kept smiling and telling me how I would look at the stars in the future and think about him living on one of them. How I would hear his laugh when I looked at those stars and how he would remember me too. I didn't notice the little vial in his hand and didn't see him bring it to his lips and swallow the contents. I did notice his breathing slowing and his body losing its strength. I looked at him in panic. I didn't understand what was happening, what he had done, why he had done it. He said he was going home so why didn't he go buy a train ticket?

”My home is very far away. I can't bring this body with me, it's too heavy,” he whispered. I felt my eyes getting wet and then tears tickled my cheeks. He lifted his hand to brush them away.

”This is goodbye,” he whispered. ”I hope you can find someone you feel responsible for like I am responsible for Junsu. I took him in and then left him. Now I have to go back.” I watched him close his eyes and his breathing stop. I hugged him and buried my face into his black hair and cried.

 

It has been so many years. So much has happened since then. I have made some new friends and debuted with Yunho and lived a very busy life, but I haven't forgotten about Jaejoong. I have started to believe that he came from another planet and is now living happily with his friend because I don't want to consider the other option. When I look at the stars whenever I'm in a place where I can see them, I hear his laugh just like he told me I would and I smile. I smile because he would want me to.