Seunghyun was depressed. He was lonely and confused. He knew he couldn’t say that his friends had forgotten about him because that wasn’t true. Though Minhwan had forgotten. Minhwan, his best friend since preschool--and his boyfriend of five years--had forgotten. Minhwan had a girl now. Bomi. No name had ever caused him more physical pain and it burned a scar into his heart. Seunghyun understood though.

I don’t understand.

He understood why Minhwan replaced him with Bomi.

Why did he do that?

Bomi could give Minhwan what Seunghyun couldn’t.

I gave him everything.

She was pretty and photogenic. She looked good in dresses. Bomi was fragile and petite. But above all, Bomi was a girl and Minhwan wasn’t gay.

Minhwan had been acting strange all day. He didn’t kiss Seunghyun good morning, and he sure as hell didn’t kiss him on the way out the door to go to work, either. He didn’t kiss him when he came home, and he barely even uttered a “Seunghyun, I’m home.” Seunghyun shrugged it off, though. Maybe he was just having a bad day and needed space. Seunghyun understood, Seunghyun always understood.

“Minhwan, do you want to watch a movie?” Seunghyun called from the couch.

“No thanks,” Minhwan replied from the kitchen. “Dinner will be ready soon.”

Dinner was awkward. Minhwan didn’t speak a word, he didn’t even look up at Seunghyun from his bowl. Seunghyun tried not to think too much of it, but something wasn’t right and it was gnawing at his nerves. They finished their meal and Seunghyun insisted on doing the dishes. Minhwan didn’t protest and vanished into their bedroom.

Seunghyun did his best to clean the dishes as quickly as he could. He was nervous, admittedly. He was nervous that there was something seriously wrong with his boyfriend. What if he’s really sick? He’s sick and he’s trying to hide it from me! Seunghyun bit his lip. He hoped it wasn’t that, he hoped and hoped and hoped. After wiping the final dish dry and rubbing his hands on the back of his pants, he made his way straight for their room. He needed to make sure his Minhwan was okay.

“Minhwan, you’ve been acting... strange,” the tall boy started, sitting down on his side of the bed next to Minhwan. “Is... everything all right?”

“No,” he said curtly. “Something is wrong.”

Seunghyun shifted closer, gulping. “What is it?” Seunghyun braced himself for news of bad health, for news of death, for news of something terrible.

“I don’t... I don’t think I’m in love with you, Seunghyun.”

Seunghyun failed to brace himself for that.

“W-what?” Horror struck Seunghyun’s face and he nervously fumbled to grab Minhwan’s hand. Maybe he’d just heard wrong; Seunghyun was known for being a little deaf, anyway.

Minhwan pulled away. “We’re just best friends, right?” He rubbed his arm and smiled down at his lap. It wasn’t a happy smile which only boiled Seunghyun’s concern even hotter.

“M-Minhwan... What are you saying...?”

“I’m saying...” Minhwan sighed. He couldn’t meet Seunghyun’s eyes, not even if he tried. “I’m saying we’re just best friends, Seunghyun. That’s how it’s supposed to be.”

No... Seunghyun shook his head. He was sure he’d faint any second. “No...”

“You know Bomi, right?” Minhwan bit his lip. “I really... I really think she’s the one, Seunghyun.”

“Please...” Seunghyun wasn’t even sure if his voice was audible, his throat stung.

“She just... Gives me such a warm feeling, you know? When I hear her voice, I can’t help but smile... And then she smiles. She makes me melt, Seunghyun.” The smile on his face was happy now. Seunghyun heard his heart fall to the floor, watched the shattered pieces turn to dust in the wind.

“Quit joking around...”

“These past five years... They weren’t for nothing. And neither were the past, what, nearly twenty! They made me realize a lot, though.” Minhwan turned to face the slowly breaking boy, only this time it was Seunghyun who couldn’t meet eyes; wouldn’t. “They made me realize how much I cherish you as my best friend.”

The tears finally came. They came and came, leaving streams of broken memories and forgotten promises stained onto Seunghyun’s cheeks. Those were words Seunghyun dreaded hearing. Yes, of course he considered Minhwan his best friend. But the boy was also more than that, so much more. They’d spent their entire lives together and Seunghyun planned on spending the rest of forever with Minhwan. But now there was Bomi, and--

“Hey, Seunghyun, don’t cry--”

Seunghyun smacked Minhwan’s hand away. “Get out,” he whispered, his voice much less harsh than he’d wanted it to be. He closed his eyes and tried once more. “Get out!”

“Seunghyun, I’m sorry but I--”

“Don’t even bother.” Seunghyun was shaking. “Don’t even ing bother!”

Minhwan swallowed. He supposed he had no choice but to leave Seunghyun be. He knew Seunghyun wouldn’t take it too bad, but he’d at least hoped that Seunghyun would understand. “I’m gonna... I’ll come back for my things tomorrow.” He slowly stood from the bed, his eyes glued to the floor. “I’ll stay with Jaejin and Jonghun for a while,” Minhwan announced a little awkwardly. “Seunghyun, I’m really sorry...”

“Just go,” Seunghyun begged, “please.”

Minhwan nodded solemnly. “Bye, Seunghyun.”

Seunghyun didn’t make a sound until he heard the door click shut. He rolled over to Minhwan’s side of the bed, breathing in the scent of honey. Seunghyun sobbed tirelessly into the next morning, not moving from the bed even once.

Minhwan didn’t come the next day. Jaejin, however, did.

“I’m here for Minhwan’s stuff...” He scratched the back of his head. “He didn’t want to do it himself in case you were still upset.”

“Of course I’m still ing upset,” Seunghyun hissed. He was hunched over the kitchen table, an untouched coffee next to his folded arms. “Did he believe there was even a slim possibility I’d be happy barely a day after he ing broke up with me?! For Bomi?!”

Jaejin held his hands out defensively. “Hey, hey, he really didn’t want you reacting like this, you know? He still loves you, more than anything, it’s just... It’s not romantic.” Jaejin slid into the chair across from the boy. “You’re his best friend, Seunghyun.”

“I wish I wasn’t,” Seunghyun stated bluntly.

Jaejin raised a brow, eyes full of concern. “What?”

“I wish I was Bomi.”

Jaejin stayed silent.

“Maybe I should start crossdressing.” Seunghyun let out a booming, humourless laugh. Jaejin shuddered.

“You and Minhwan just... You’re best friends, okay? Don’t let this ruin that.”

“That’s really easy for you to say when your boyfriend is gay, so you don’t even have to worry that he’ll leave you for a girl that you can’t even compete with!”

Jaejin rubbed his face. “You shouldn’t try to compete with Bomi, Seunghyun. You should try to realize that Minhwan is a special friend. You’ve been best friends since you were five, don’t throw it all away.”

“It’s Minhwan’s fault,” Seunghyun muttered.

“For what? Not being gay?”

“For making me believe he was.”

Again, Jaejin stayed silent.

“You know that we... Did... That... Right?”

Jaejin nodded.

Seunghyun slammed his fists on the table. “Why would he do that?!”

Jaejin sighed. “He was unsure, I guess. And maybe at first, it felt right. But he realizes now that... That he wants you as a best friend, and--”

“And Bomi as a girlfriend. Because he doesn’t want a boyfriend.”

“Stop being so bitter about Bomi, she’s a nice girl and you know that.”

“What if Jonghun pushed you out of the picture and replaced you with, oh, I don’t know, Hyejeong?”

“Minhwan hasn’t pushed you out of the picture.” Jaejin reached for Seunghyun’s--now cold--coffee and took a sip. “And realistically, that wouldn’t happen. Jonghun’s--”

“Gay, I know. Whatever. Shut up.”

“Things will be okay, Seunghyun. Just give it some time and you and Minhwan will be back to being best friends.”

“Maybe I don’t want that.”

Jaejin groaned. “I’m gonna pack up some of Minhwan’s things now. Why don’t you put a movie on?”

“ off.”

Jaejin, taken a little aback, felt it was probably best to ignore the outburst and shuffle quickly into the bedroom to collect some of Minhwan’s clothes and miscellaneous stuff.

“I’m gonna come back to check on you tomorrow, alright?” Jaejin promised, head poking through the door. “Make sure you eat something and get a good night’s rest.” Seunghyun didn’t respond. “Okay, bye.”

A month had passed since the falling out and Jaejin had checked up on Seunghyun every single day, sometimes twice, even three times a day, sometimes accompanied by Jonghun, sometimes Hongki, and sometimes both--but never Minhwan. Minhwan never showed up, nor did he call, not even text. It was like Minhwan didn’t exist anymore.

But Seunghyun knew Minhwan existed because the hollow pain in his chest resonated through his bones, his veins, his entire being, screaming “Minhwan”. He knew Minhwan existed and that’s what made everything hurt that much more. What he wouldn’t give to just see or hear Minhwan again, even just once.

“How’s Minhwan doing?” Seunghyun rasped. He was sickly looking; pale face, bags under his eyes, and he’d lost a lot of weight, despite everyone believing it was impossible for Seunghyun to do such a thing. Jaejin figured he hadn’t slept in days, Jonghun said it’s probably been weeks. His eyes were swollen and empty, they lacked the sparkle Seunghyun was famous for. It worried the three of them, but saying that only made Seunghyun feel worse.

“Good,” Jonghun replied calmly. “Minhwan is good.”

“He’s with Bomi now, isn’t he?”

No one answered. Seunghyun snorted.

“I figured as much.”

“He misses you,” Hongki assured, resting a hand on Seunghyun’s shoulder. He was startled by how it felt even bonier than how it used to be, as if a sharpened blade had replaced the taller boy’s bone. Hongki frowned. Their dear friend was slowly disintegrating and they couldn’t figure out how to save him. Jonghun repeatedly said time would heal him, but Jaejin and Hongki weren’t convinced. Honestly, neither was Jonghun.

“Not enough,” Seunghyun said. “He doesn’t miss me enough.”

Jaejin frowned. Jonghun squeezed his hand. A thick silence hung over the boys, weighing their spirits down.

“We’re going out tonight!” Hongki suddenly exclaimed. “Seunghyun, you’re coming with us, right?” He beamed.

Seunghyun slowly shook his head. “I can’t move.”

“That’s exactly why you should come out with us,” Jonghun pointed out. Seunghyun shrugged. “Have some fun; let loose.”

“Come on, it’ll be good for you,” Jaejin pushed. “Maybe you’ll even meet someone!” Jaejin wished he could take back what he said the moment the words slipped out of his mouth. “But it’d be really good to spend time with us, right?”

Seunghyun thought about it for a long while. Or maybe he didn’t, he was probably staring blankly at the wall with nothing but the thought of Minhwan’s fingers laced with his in his head; that seemed more probable.

“So, whaddya say?”

“Sure,” Seunghyun answered, sounding absentminded.

“Great! Go have a shower, then. Put some clean clothes on, we’ll make you something to eat.” Jaejin clapped his hands together. It took him a great deal of effort, but Seunghyun eventually peeled himself off of the couch and into the shower. He didn’t want to go, but seeing the hopelessness in his friends’ eyes had eaten away at him long enough, the least he could do was give them what they wanted for at least a night.

When the boys had arrived at a club in Hongdae, Seunghyun’s head was already pounding. He was absolutely dreading this, but his friends looked so happy, and they were happy. They were relieved that Seunghyun was finally out and about, living life. How naive of them to think Seunghyun was better just because he gave into their pressure.

Jaejin and Jonghun had slinked off together to God knows where, leaving Seunghyun alone with Hongki. Great.

“Let’s go dancing!” Hongki shouted, already shaking his hips in a completely unappealing and unattractive way.

‘Do we have to?’ is what Seunghyun wanted to say; he’d really just planned on disappearing, having a couple drinks to ease the pain, and head back home. But Hongki’s hand was gripped tightly around Seunghyun’s wrist; he probably knew exactly what Seunghyun was planning. Hongki always knew. “Alright, fine.”

Dancing with Hongki wasn’t too bad, really. Sure, it was embarrassing, but Seunghyun was finally smiling again, even if only half heartedly. People stared, people laughed, and some people even joined in. Seunghyun would be lying if he said he wasn’t enjoying himself at least a little bit, alternating from doing the shopping cart, to doing bad 70s disco dance moves. Hongki was almost choking on his own bellowing laughter.

After several drinks and several more shots, Seunghyun realized going out was a great idea. He didn’t feel lonely or sad, in fact, he didn’t feel anything. Everything was a blur and Seunghyun basked in every moment of the haziness. He wasn’t sure where Hongki had gone off to, but he didn’t really care at this point. He was having fun, he thinks, swerving between dancing bodies and offering giddy grins to faces he couldn’t see clearly.

This was where Seunghyun’s problem began.

Several months had passed now. Hongki, Jaejin and Jonghun didn’t show up as often anymore, but when they did, they’d shake their heads and pick the passed out Seunghyun up from the puke-stained floor and tuck him into bed with sad looks on their faces. They’d try their best to collect the rubbish scattered across the apartment, but it was only a matter of days before the empty bottles of alcohol and cigarette butts returned.

Every room reeked of numerous smells; cheap alcohol, stale tobacco, , and filth. He couldn’t remember the last time he properly cleaned his apartment.

Probably while Minhwan was still here.

Minhwan. There he was again, popping out of nowhere into Seunghyun’s thoughts. He slammed his fist into the wall. He’d been trying so hard to get Minhwan out of his head, but no amount of alcohol, no amount of one night stands could erase the painful memories. Seunghyun clawed at his skin until he bled, his body trembled until he fell to his knees. Tears wet his cheeks and he winced. He needed an escape. That’s when an idea came to mind.

Seunghyun found himself outside of one of the bars he’d spent a lot of time in. He’d met a guy there a while back, told Seunghyun if he ever needed to just let go, to find him, because he had just the thing. It was definitely a sketchy bar, Seunghyun knew that. But he also didn’t care. He’d been living rather dangerously recently; purposely putting his life on the line, picking fights, and drinking far too much for his body to handle. But it was all his sad attempt at forgetting Minhwan and he hoped that this time it’d work, even if only for just a little while.

He pulled his phone out and scrolled through his contact list, trying to find the name that read “Hyuk.” He wasn’t even sure if that really was the guy’s name; Seunghyun knew it was awful, considering they’d slept together. Twice.

“I need an escape.” Seunghyun typed. His thumb hovered briefly over the send button, then he added, “Now.” He hit send and (im)patiently waited for a response.

Barely seconds later, the guy replied. “Sure. Meet me outside the bar. Be there soon.”

So Seunghyun waited. He hung a cigarette from between his lips, lit it, and inhaled, watching as the smoke travelled up into the night sky, and slowly vanish into nothing. He thought back to nights when he and Minhwan would lay under the stars.

“I want to touch a star,” seventeen year old Minhwan admitted, sheepishly giggling. “I wish it was possible.”

Seunghyun laughed. “Anything’s possible!” He smiled his cheeky I-have-an-idea-but-I’m-gonna-keep-it-a-secret smile.

Minhwan looked over at the boy and pouted. “What are you planning?”

Seunghyun grinned, his eyes narrowing. “Oh, nothing,” he answered, “nothing at all.”

“You’re a liar!”
“Prooooove it!” Seunghyun rolled on top of Minhwan and grabbed the boy by the hips. After a smug smirk and swift finger movements from Seunghyun, Minhwan was screaming with laughter, squirming beneath the (very light) weight of Seunghyun. Minhwan could easily overpower his boyfriend, but when Seunghyun tickled him, it was a victory for Seunghyun and a terrible loss for Minhwan.
A few minutes later (which felt like decades for poor, wriggling Minhwan) the two boys were lying on their backs once again, hands intertwined, staring up at the stars.
“I’ll bring the stars to you, Minari,” Seunghyun promised, an honest tone in his voice, “you can count on that.”

Minhwan chuckled. "Don't be silly, Seunghyun.They're light years away, and even if you could touch a star, your hand would burn to ash."
Seunghyun planted a kiss on Minhwan's cheek. "We'll just see about that, won't we?"
Minhwan's face reddened and a smile pulled at the corners of his lips. "If you say so."

A few days passed and Minhwan hadn’t seen Seunghyun at all. He was getting a little worried, in all honesty, mostly because he missed him so much. But Seunghyun promised him over the phone that it’d be worth the wait. Minhwan believed him, but that didn’t make him miss the boy any less. It was hard for Minhwan to go even a day without seeing Seunghyun; he was his other half. Everything felt empty and meaningless without his goofy boyfriend.

And then Minhwan received a phone call. He didn’t even have to check the caller ID to know who it was. “Seunghyun!”
“Come to the park! Quickly! Run! Run run run run!” There was playful urgency in Seunghyun’s voice, but before Minhwan could even reply, he heard a click and the line went dead. Minhwan sighed. 'He’s up to his tricks again.' Hurriedly, Minhwan raced down the stairs, shouted an “I’m going out with Seunghyun!” and flew out the door, charging down the street to the park in his and Seunghyun’s neighbourhood. Excitement and anticipation surged through Minhwan’s veins; he loved Seunghyun’s surprises and he had a hunch that tonight’s would be particularly special.
Honestly, Minhwan wasn’t even sure what to expect. Seunghyun would usually drop hints, like when Seunghyun surprised Minhwan with a new bicycle for his thirteenth birthday, he kept making (really bad) wheel puns. And when he wrote that song for Minhwan’s sixteenth birthday, he’d text a line from it every day a week before the big day. This time, Minhwan had nothing to guess from, so he was particularly excited. But when he finally arrived, he couldn’t believe his eyes.
Seunghyun had made a blanket fort in the middle of the park, using trees to drape the blanket roof over and sticks to act as tent poles. A yellow light glowed through the sheets. Minhwan couldn’t wait to see what was inside; he sprinted up to the fort and--
“Surprise!” Seunghyun beamed, throwing a blanket out of the way and greeting Minhwan with a plate of star-shaped cookies. “Come on in and see! It’s amazing, Minhwan! Just look!”
When Minhwan stepped inside, he really couldn’t believe his eyes. Tens, maybe even hundreds, of tiny glow-in-the-dark stars lined the interior of the blanket fort. Inside, Minhwan noticed a plate of star-shaped sandwiches and a few star-shaped plushies scattered about haphazardly. Minhwan fell to his knees and buried his hands into his face. Seunghyun had done a lot of sweet things for him, but Minhwan was sure this took the cake for the sweetest.
“It must have taken hours to set all of this up,” Minhwan mumbled, nearly stuttering over his words as tears welled in his eyes. “It’s... It’s beautiful, Seunghyun.”
Seunghyun flashed a toothy grin and sat next to the teary eyed boy. “Would you like a cookie?” Seunghyun urged the plate to the boy, then sheepishly added, “Sehyun insisted on helping me bake them, though. Said he didn’t trust me alone in the kitchen.”
Minhwan laughed. “How Sehyun of him.” He grabbed a cookie and couldn’t help but smile at the “SH ♥ MH” drawn in pink icing. He almost felt bad taking a bite out of it, but he did anyway. And boy, did it ever taste--
“Delicious!” Minhwan grinned.
“Success!” Seunghyun shouted. He put the plate down and reached for one of the star plushies. He ceremoniously offered it to Minhwan. “This star fell straight outta the sky! I caught it especially for you!”
Minhwan shoved the boy and took the star, holding it close to his chest. “Hmm, it’s definitely warm, but not nearly as warm as I’d expected.” He brought it to his nose. “And it... Strangely smells... Familiar.” Minhwan eyed the lanky boy sitting wide-eyed beside him.
“Familiar?! How so? Have you been to outer space, Minhwan?”
“It smells... Like someone I love... Very, very much.”
Seunghyun gasped. “Who?! I’ll beat them up!”
Minhwan chucked the plushie at Seunghyun and tackled him to the ground. “You, stupid!”
Seunghyun laughed. “Good!”
He and Minhwan locked eyes and smiled at one another. “Thank you, Seunghyun,” Minhwan whispered. “I love it.”
“And I love you,” Seunghyun answered, smile as white and sparkly as snow. Minhwan couldn’t help but kiss him over and over again.

Seunghyun hardly noticed Hyuk pull up on his motorbike. Quickly, Seunghyun swatted his tears away and eagerly approached the older man.

Hyuk shoved a dime bag into Seunghyun’s hand. “Since it’s your first time, it’s my treat.” Hyuk winked. “I’d love to do it with you, but I’m a little busy right now. I’m sure you’ll be fine on your own, though.”

Seunghyun dumbly nodded his head. He didn’t care. He needed out. Now. As quickly as he’d come, Hyuk was roaring away on his bike, leaving Seunghyun alone to stare at the baggie in his hand. Two tabs were in it. He wasn’t even sure what they were, but it didn’t matter now. He tapped the contents of the bag into his mouth and waited for them to dissolve before making the trek back to his apartment.

Most of the night was a haze for Seunghyun, he could only recall bits and pieces. He remembered stumbling into the bar and ordering round after round of drinks for himself. He remembered laughing at everything. He remembered dancing with someone. He remembered kissing that someone. He also remembered that someone’s boyfriend grabbing him by the shirt and dragging him into the street. Seunghyun remembered being punched but he couldn’t remember feeling the impact; he didn’t even notice the blood trickling from his mouth. Seunghyun definitely remembered punching the guy once, twice, three times. He remembered the guy falling to the ground with an angry thud, and he remembered running away in a fit of laughter. He doesn’t remember coming home, and he sure as hell doesn’t remember passing out on the kitchen counter.

He was woken up by obnoxious banging on his door and too-loud shouts of “Song Seunghyun, answer this door right now or else!” from probably Jaejin. It was always Jaejin. Seunghyun grumbled.

“Go awaaaay,” he drawled, rubbing his eyes and rolling off the counter. He curled up on the floor. “God, why is it so bright?” Seunghyun didn’t need this right now, he just needed to sleep. Or maybe a glass of water.

“God damn it, Seunghyun, open the door right now!” Hongki was with him.

“Seunghyun, please.” And Jonghun.

Seunghyun knew they wouldn’t leave until they saw him, and he also knew that if he ignored them any longer, his head would explode, so he crawled to the door, reached up, and flicked the lock. He didn’t have the energy to turn the knob, but (un)luckily for him Jaejin had the door swung open, smacking Seunghyun in the face with it, all in a matter of 1 and a half seconds.

“Song Seunghyun!” Jaejin scolded, “get up off the floor!”
“Ow,” Seunghyun whined, cradling his extra sore head in his hands. “What do you want from me?”

“We want you to clean up your apartment,” Hongki started.

“And yourself,” Jonghun added. “Look at how unhealthy you a--Why do you have a black eye?”

Seunghyun blinked and moved his hand to his left eye. Jonghun shook his head and pointed to the right. Seunghyun touched it and winced. “Oh.”

“Oh?” Jonghun’s brow raised. He was such a mother. “You have some explaining to do.”

“I don’t know why I have a black eye,” Seunghyun lied, rolling onto his side. His spine hurt so much, and he wasn’t sure why, maybe it was side effects from whatever it was he took from Hyuk last night.

“You’re lying,” Hongki sighed.

“Do you just not remember? Or do you not want to tell us?” Jaejin crouched down to Seunghyun’s level.

“Both,” he muttered.

Jonghun pinched the bridge of his nose. “Well, tell us what you do remember.”

“No, you’ll get mad at me.”

Jonghun sighed. He, too, was now crouched down next to Seunghyun, pulling him into his lap and running fingers through the younger’s tangled hair. “Disappointed, maybe. You’ve been doing a lot of reckless things, Seunghyun, and we’re worried. Not angry. So whatever it is, we won’t be mad.”

“I took drugs from this guy--”

“Song Seunghyun!”

Seunghyun grimaced at the volume of Jonghun’s voice. “You said you wouldn’t be mad!”

Jonghun rolled his eyes. “Who’s the guy?”

“I think his name is Hyuk.”

“You think?!”

“Stop yelling!” Seunghyun squeezed his eyes shut. His throat was dry and he didn’t want to speak anymore, and his head was feeling worse by the second.

“What... Kind of drugs were they?” Hongki asked. There was a time when Hongki was in a similar position as Seunghyun. He was going through a grim period of self-loathing and had resorted to drugs and alcohol. It almost ended badly, but he was lucky to have his four best friends pull him out of his rut.

Seunghyun turned his head away from everyone. “I’m... Not even sure.”

Jonghun clicked his tongue. “God damn it, Seunghyun. Don’t be doing that anymore. Look at how awful it made you feel after!”

“But it made me forget.”

They all froze.

“For the first time in months, I forgot all about Minhwan.”

Silence.

“It was... Nice.”

“Let’s get you cleaned up, okay?” Jonghun suggested, bringing the boy to his feet. “Wash up and head to bed.”

Seunghyun nodded and complied, wobbling slowly into the washroom. They all watched with sad eyes as he fumbled with the door and disappeared into the shower

“We can’t tell Minhwan,” Jonghun decided. Jaejin and Hongki sat opposite him in a little coffee shop on the corner of the street. “It’d kill him if he knew the state Seunghyun was in. If he knew he was... Doing drugs.” They were concerned enough already that the younger had taken up smoking as a new-found hobby. But drugs? Drugs crossed the line by a mile.

“I think we knew that much,” Hongki retorted, placing his cup down. “But what are we gonna do about it? Seunghyun doesn’t answer our calls anymore. It’s a miracle he even let us in this morning.”
“I tried seeing him yesterday; I even stood at the door for a full hour. He never answered.” Jaejin sighed.
“We need to catch him as he’s leaving his apartment,” Jonghun mumbled, his brows furrowing.
“So we’re gonna kidnap him?” Hongki echoed.
“Yes. We need to make him do Seunghyun things because what he’s doing right now... He’s not doing Seunghyun things.” Jonghun cleared his throat. “And we need to get him out of that house. There’s still traces of Minhwan lingering around, it’s probably driving him insane.”
“We should take him to a pet store first,” Jaejin suggested. “Puppies ought to bring a smile to his face.”
“And I can try and get him to stay with me for a while,” Hongki offered.
“You better hide your alcohol, then,” Jaejin warned. “We’re putting Seunghyun on full detox.”
Jonghun rose from his chair. “Let’s go get him.”

Seunghyun opened the door moments after the three of them knocked, to their relief. He had a fake smile on his face, but a smile nonetheless.
“I think I want another puppy,” Hongki stated, “so we’re all gonna go to the pet store and pick one out!”
Seunghyun nodded his head and obediently followed after. The more Jaejin thought about it, the more he realized Seunghyun was a puppy himself; he was lost without his owner, without Minhwan. Jaejin frowned and ducked into the backseat of Hongki’s car with Seunghyun buckled in next to him.

Hongki was losing his mind about everything in the store. “Jonghun, look at these kittens! Seunghyun, look, the puppies! Oh my god, the birds! They’re talking! Hey, Jaejin, did you see that lizard?!” Seunghyun wanted to die.
It wasn’t like Seunghyun to not get excited about animals, he really loved them. He was a regular customer at every pet shop in Seoul, just because he liked to visit all of the animals. So Jonghun, Jaejin, and Hongki were especially concerned when Seunghyun didn’t smile even once.
“Ice cream?” Jaejin suggested.
“Maybe it’s best if he goes to Hongki’s and sleeps for a while,” Jonghun answered.
The boys--Hongki holding his brand new furry friend--piled back into the car and headed to Seunghyun’s to pack his things to take to Hongki’s. Seunghyun didn’t really want to move in with Hongki, but he didn’t have the energy to argue.


It’d been awhile since the last time Jaejin had sat down with Minhwan and just talked. He decided it was time to fill Minhwan in on everything.
“Long time no see,” Minhwan said softly, lifting his coffee to his lips and taking a small sip. “You sounded urgent... Is Seunghyun okay?”
Jaejin hadn’t mentioned Seunghyun over the phone. He’d only said that he needed to talk. A small smile crept onto his face. I told you, Seunghyun. I told you he still cares.
“Honestly... No.” Jaejin took a deep breath. “We found him half dead in his apartment a few weeks ago. Said he’d done some drug the night before, he wasn’t even sure what it was. Hongki had him move in for a while, but it didn’t last. He ran away, went back to his apartment. We didn’t hear from him for days, until he called Jonghun, pleading for help.
“He... There was blood... A lot of it. He’d punched the bathroom mirror, he had to get twenty seven stitches. And we found a whole stash of drugs in the cabinet. He’s a mess, Minhwan. He isn’t even Seunghyun anymore.” Jaejin folded his hands neatly on the table. “When he talks... His words are hollow. His eyes are dull and he doesn’t even smile anymore. He breaks things, punches things... He gets into fights a lot. I can’t remember the last time he didn’t have a black eye or bloody knuckles. He tried swinging at Jonghun a few times, too.” Jaejin met Minhwan’s eyes. “He’s broken. He’s broken and... And you’re the only one who can fix him.”
Minhwan didn’t want to believe anything Jaejin was saying. He couldn’t. He knew it was wrong of him to ignore Seunghyun for a year, he knew that. But Minhwan was scared; he was scared to face Seunghyun and he was scared that he’d push Seunghyun over the edge. Minhwan felt his hands shake, his throat dried, and his eyes felt moist. “I... I can’t see him, Jaejin. I can’t do it.”
“It’s been long enough, Minhwan.”
Minhwan shook his head. “I don’t... Want to see him if he’s like that.”
“You never really fell out of love with him, did you?”
Minhwan didn’t answer. He didn’t need to; Jaejin knew.
“Call him. Ask him out for dinner. Something. You need to see him, Minhwan, and he needs to see you.”
Minhwan swallowed. “I will just... Just not yet. I’m not ready.”
Jaejin’s eyes darkened. “Before it’s too late.” Minhwan’s heart stopped.
Before it’s too late. The words repeated themselves over and over in Minhwan’s head.

A few days passed since Minhwan met with Jaejin, their conversation still tormenting him. He knew it was cruel of him to ignore Seunghyun for so long, and he knew it was all his fault. But he was so afraid. Jaejin even said that Seunghyun wasn’t himself anymore. Minhwan had known the boy nearly his entire life, and in all those years, a smile was rarely ever absent from his face. But now Jaejin says Seunghyun doesn’t smile anymore and Minhwan knew that he wouldn’t be able to see Seunghyun without his smile.
“And it’s all my fault he doesn’t smile anymore.”
Minhwan reached for his phone. He scrolled for Seunghyun’s name, and he pondered. Do I ask him out to dinner? Maybe just a coffee. Or ice cream? Minhwan sighed and put his phone back down. He decided he’d sleep on it and call tomorrow.

When Minhwan woke the next day, he was eager to call Seunghyun. He figured texting was too cowardly, and the only way to reach Seunghyun would be through his voice. So he dialed, and he waited.
He waited and waited.
“We’re sorry, the customer you’re calling is currently unavailable. Please try your call again later.”
Minhwan tried for a second time.
“We’re sorry--”
Minhwan called Jaejin.
“He’s not picking up.”
“Wha--.”
“I think his phone is off.”
“I’ll have Jonghun try.” Jaejin cupped the speaker and called for Jonghun. “Okay, he’s calling.” Jaejin paused. “His phone is definitely off.”
Minhwan bit his lip. “Maybe... You should go check on him.”
“Good idea,” Jaejin agreed. “Do you want to come?”
“I think it’s best if you guys go without me. Let me know how he is.”
“Okay,” Jaejin said, “talk to you later.”
Minhwan dropped his phone to the floor.
Please, please, Seunghyun. Please be okay.


Seunghyun had really lost it now. His apartment was absolutely trashed. Smashed bottles, broken plates, torn photographs, and various alcohols covered the floor. Seunghyun couldn’t hear the repetitive banging and desperate pleas from outside his door over his loud, incoherent shrieks. He’d lost count of how many tabs he took this time, he wasn’t even sure if he was really awake. The walls were moving and everything was spinning. The worst thing was that everywhere he looked, he saw Minhwan. He saw Minhwan in the kitchen, shoving something into the oven. He saw Minhwan on the couch, blanket pulled to his chin and eyes intently watching the television screen. He saw Minhwan stripping his clothes off and stepping into the shower, beckoning for Seunghyun to join him. He saw Minhwan sleeping peacefully in their bed, arm resting where Seunghyun’s body should be. Everywhere he looked, all Seunghyun could see was Minhwan. Seunghyun hissed between gritted teeth and threw the last of his glass cups at the door frame to the bedroom, praying it’d make the sleeping Minhwan disappear. It didn’t. Seunghyun screamed again. Again and again until his lungs stung and no sound emitted from his throat.
He crumbled to the floor, laying on his side, heaving in a mixture of choked sobs and ominous, humourless laughter. “That’s it!” he screamed. “I can’t take this anymore!”

Outside, Jaejin was fumbling for his phone, trying desperately to ring Minhwan. Jonghun held him close while Hongki continued to bang on the door, refusing to give up yet. They couldn’t lose hope, it was all they had left for Seunghyun.

“Minhwan, it’s really bad,” Jaejin’s voice shook. “You’re the... You’re the only one who can help him now.” He gulped. “You still have a key to the apartment, right? Come quickly.” Jaejin clenched his hands into fists. “We think he’s gonna...” Jaejin couldn’t finish the sentence. “Please... Hurry.”

“I’ll be there,” Minhwan whispered, the line instantly going dead. All they could do now was pray that Minhwan would show up in time.

It was cold outside. At least, Seunghyun was pretty sure it was cold. He was numb, too numb. Maybe it was hot out? He wasn’t sure. All he was sure of was that he probably popped way too many painkillers and drank a little too much whiskey. He was also sure that he was standing on the edge of his balcony, staring down at the world beneath him.

Do I jump? I think I want to. He laughed. No, I know I want to.

Seunghyun lifted his foot ever so slowly, memories of Minhwan flooding his senses. He could smell the honey-scented shampoo Minhwan always used, he could hear his giggle, his laugh, his voice gently calling for Seunghyun, he could see Minhwan’s smile, his eyes barely crescents, but more than anything, he could feel Minhwan. He felt gentle arms wrap around his waist from behind, he could feel fingers tracing circles on his arm, he could feel lips on his cheek, his nose, his mouth. He was snapped back to reality when he felt something wet trickle down into his mouth. Blood? His nose was bleeding, quite profusely. He’d definitely taken too many this time. His body started to shake, his eyes rolled into the back of his head. He felt woozy, he was fading between consciousness and unconsciousness. Seunghyun knew this was the end. He knew it just as well as he knew how far the drop from here was, just as he knew he and Minhwan were over forever.

And a life without Minhwan was a life Seunghyun didn’t want to live.

A sad smile tugged his chapped lips and a tear rolled down his cheek. He muttered a quiet “Goodbye, Minhwan” before he tumbled over and everything went--

“Seunghyun!”

No, Seunghyun knew that voice. His consciousness clung to it. He couldn’t manage a response, but he heard it. He heard him.

He felt him. He felt strong arms scoop him onto firm thighs. He felt foreign tears splash his cheeks, then calloused hands wiped them away. He could smell a familiar honey scent, a scent he’d never grow tired of. But worst of all, he heard. He heard choked sobs and endless cries of “help” and “please” and “I’m so sorry.”

Next, Seunghyun saw. Seunghyun opened his eyes and saw a soft face tainted with distress. He tried to reach up and wipe the sad look off of Minhwan’s face, but he couldn’t move his arms. He saw Minhwan meet his eyes, he saw an ugly mixture of snot and tears run down the boy’s once porcelain--now red with grief--face. “I love you,” was the last thing Seunghyun heard before he out.

Happy End:

Seunghyun woke in an unfamiliar room. The walls were painted a soft mauve and he felt calm. He looked to his side and saw an IV drip leading into his arm. What happened?

“You’re awake.”

Seunghyun knew that voice all too well. His eyes widened, filled with tears, and he fixed his gaze onto the smiling boy seated at his other side.

“M...Min...”

“Hi.” His smile grew.

“What... happened?”

Minhwan’s smile faded. “You did something stupid.” His face softened. “But only because I was even more stupid.”

“How...?”

“Because I was scared of losing you.” Minhwan laughed. “Funny how I lost you when I was trying so hard not to.”

“I don’t understand...”

“I was so scared of losing you as my best friend that I thought it’d be best if we... If we broke up.” Minhwan shook his head. “How stupid is that? And I used Bomi to try and fill the void you left.” Minhwan sighed. “We only lasted a month, but I couldn’t bring myself to see you again. I knew I messed up and I was scared to face my mistake... I was scared to face you.”

Seunghyun frowned. “Don’t... Don’t feel bad.”

His turn turned serious. “You nearly died because of me.” Minhwan swallowed. “More than once, Jaejin told me.”

Seunghyun looked away, “I overreacted.”

Minhwan chuckled. “Seunghyun, you were lost. I took you completely by surprise and you didn’t know what to do, where to go. You didn’t overreact at all.”

“Minhwan...” Seunghyun whispered. He shifted over and patted the now vacant spot next to him. Smiling, Minhwan slid in next to Seunghyun and took his hand. Seunghyun rested his head on Minhwan’s shoulder and smiled up at him, the familiar twinkle returning to Seunghyun’s eyes.

“You’re my star, you know that?” Seunghyun said, a weak smile on his face. He looked deep in thought.

“Am I?” Minhwan laughed.

“No, actually, you’re even better.” Seunghyun thought a moment longer. “You’re snow.”

“Snow?”

“Snow. Because it sparkles--it’s so bright... And it’s fun... And even though it’s cold in appearance, it brings warmth... And when it disappears, even for a really long time... It always comes back eventually. No matter what.” Seunghyun laughed. “Even if it takes a whole year.”

Minhwan allowed a single tear to slide down his cheek. “Then that makes you my snow, too.” He laced their hands together, both relieved to be together once again.

“When a snowflake touches another, it’s really hard to pull them apart. It’s like... They somehow complete each other, right? They mould together.”

“Seunghyun, no more snow metaphors. Go back to sleep.”

“Fine, fine.” Seunghyun shut his eyes. “I love you,” he whispered, and with a yawn, he fell into a deep slumber, dreaming of warm hands and falling snow.

“Snow...” Minhwan chuckled. “I love you, Seunghyun. So, so much.”

Bad End:

Seunghyun was rushed to the hospital minutes after he shut his eyes, but it was to no avail.

“We tried all we could,” the doctor explained, “I’m so sorry.”

Minhwan knew this was all his fault. He wanted nothing more than to go back in time and stay. To not spew heartless lies at Seunghyun. It wasn’t the drugs, nor the head injury that killed Seunghyun; it was Minhwan who killed Seunghyun.

The funeral service was heartbreaking. Old friends came to pay their respects, even a few teachers from Minhwan and Seunghyun’s elementary school came. Seunghyun’s whole family was there, grief stricken faces soaked with tears that would fall for many years to come.

And Minhwan was to blame for all of the hurt. All the tears, the pain, it was all his fault.

Minhwan stopped eating. Jaejin noticed it when they forced Minhwan to come out for dinner with him, Jonghun, and Hongki. Minhwan had ordered, but he never touched the food. He asked to be excused, and never returned to the table. Instead, he headed back to his and Seunghyun’s old apartment.

Minhwan stopped playing drums. They used to bring him joy, but all they brought now were memories of when he and Seunghyun tried to start a band with Jaejin back in high school. Minhwan couldn’t even touch his sticks without choking up, so he pawned his set and never second guessed it.

It was 4 in the morning on a Thursday when Minhwan came to a decision, clinging tightly to the star plushie Seunghyun had given him years ago. It still smelled like Seunghyun. Ever so slowly, Minhwan got up from the bed and made his way to the closet. He hadn’t gotten around to throwing Seunghyun’s clothes away, and he never would. He pulled one of Seunghyun’s hoodies off the hanger and slid his arms through the sleeves. It was huge on him, but it was so warm and so Seunghyun. He brought the collar up to his nose and cried. He cried for minutes, hours, days, on the floor, breathing in the scent of Seunghyun until he couldn’t smell him anymore.

A week later, paramedics and police officers arrived and broke the door down, Jaejin, Jonghun, and Hongki following in close behind. It was Jaejin who found Minhwan first, laying lifeless in the bed, loosely clutching a star plushie that Jaejin recognized all too well and clad in a hoodie he knew belonged to Seunghyun. Jonghun was the one to find the note on the bedside table next to the bottle of pills. He shakily lifted it, his eyes scanning the scribbled words, a tightness in his chest.

The guilt was too much.

If I’m lucky, maybe I’ll see him on the other side, so I can properly apologise.

I’m sorry.

- Minhwan.

Jonghun couldn’t stop the tears from falling in rivers from his eyes.

None of them could.