I laid on my bed my mind blank and empty just like my being. Why why would he do this. I thought my heart was holding scars I knew I wouldn’t get rid of and my whole being as torn into pieces as the knives stabbed me leaving me panting for air. Why was the only thing running in my head as I lay on the bed. I felt my mind start racing with the memories the memories that were breaking me apart. I wondered why I was so opened why I let him do this to me without putting up a fight I am I playing the victim. It all came clear I fell to hard.

       I was practicing the steps in the studio chaerins uncle ran. Seeing I was his favorite I got a key to the room. I dance to the song moving to the words as I felt them. I let my body move in way that brought eyes but not lust nor judgment. I stopped as the music did and clapping was heard I caught kai in the mirror staring at me with a smile on his face “good job kitten” he told me “yah its kat” I hissed at him “kitten better makes you think of something cute and gentle” he told me. I smiled at the thought “but maybe you’re a tiger” he asked me “want to get torn to pieces” I asked him fuming “now now” he said to me holding up his hands for defense like I was coming at him.

      I sighed turning around and began to fix the move I felt didn’t go right “I like you dance by the way” he said hands now in his pocket now “so good for you” I told him shrugging him off “don’t you think you should be nicer” he asked me with a nervous smile something from his smirk “why you never are” I shot back to him “just give me a chance to show you how nice I can be” he said walking near me his words stopped my heart and froze me. I didn’t even slap away the hand that tried my blushing cheeks. He leaned and stole my lips leaving my heart to race as if it was in danger. Instead of fighting I melted into the kiss our lips fit perfectly.

         Who knew I would give in to kai right?

    “yeah who knew” I said out loud rolling onto my side. I in held the air in the room it was cold and stung my sick making Goosebumps appear on my body. I sighed picking up another memory.

         “kai im bored and cold” I nagged head on his back as we laid on the floor. He was on his stomach reading a manga and eating chips. “get a blanket” he said I felt my head move as he breathed it was rhythmic “don’t feel like getting up” I said “lazy” he said to me I felt him scuff “kai im serious hit the heat or something” I said getting off his back and sitting up. I felt him pull me back and into him. he left a few inches in between us as he smirked wrapping his strong arms around me “warm yet” he asked me “nope” I said back shaking my head. he smirked then brought his lips to mine. I felt my cheeks get warm as he did.

    I was then rolled on my back as he slipped in his tongue. Our tongues danced as it began to get hot in the room. I wrapped my arms around his neck pulling him closer to me. I felt his hands roam my body as the kiss became filled with desire and lust. I felt him break away looking at me “should we stop” he asked me. “Well my mom won’t be coming home tonight for a while” I said to him pretending to think “then we will use up some time” he said before attacking my neck.

     I felt my body grow hot and the need for a cold shower come on strong. I pulled my body off the bed and walked into the bathroom. I cut on the lights and trialed to the tub. I the water and let my hand feel the rush of the water. The agony I felt with this motion burned my heart as I remembered that rainy afternoon. I felt the tears fill my eyes.

     I was on my way to kai’s seeing he was sick at home with a fever. I decided to surprise wih no word of me coming over. “kitty” I looked to see taemin “sup girly” I said to him. he frowned at me “yah im not a girl” he said to me “I know that rock on your throat gives it away” I told him he smacked his hand away from me “where you going” he asked me ‘kai’s” I said to him “oh cool me too” he said back to me “so where’s minzy” I asked him “she said she had to go to her mom’s house” he told me “oh well just us three” I told him “sadly” he said to me “sadly” I asked him “yeah you and kai are just going to go lovely dovey” taemin said.

         “Since you’re here I’ll hold back” I as we came to kais apartment. I walked up to his door and knocked on it but no one answered “what is he doing” taemin asked I shrugged and turned the knob to my surprise it turned opening the door to his house. It was dark inside and looked like no one was home “maybe he left” taemin said to me “I doubt it” I said hearing music. We entered the house and I walked toward kais room to go get him. I heard a sound like moans ‘is he watching again’ I thought irritated. I pushed opened the door to see him and some girl on him. they looked my way and I got a good look at her. I closed the door. Feeling my heart stop “did you find him” taemin asked me “no he left” I said trying not to cry “let’s go” I told him I walked over grabbing his arm when a noise was heard “kat” kai called walking out with his jeans on no shirt “he is here” taemin said.

     “yeah and lets go” I said feeling the tears “but” “let’s go” I yelled at him “kai” the girl said my heart broke farther as I held onto taemins arm “taemin” she said faintly. I looked at his broken face I looked down the tears falling now. I felt him yank away. Before I could stop him he punched kai causing him to fall on the ground.

          I notice the scared look in minzy’s eyes as she watch her boyfriend punch mine down. “don’t ever come near her again” he told him. he then looked to minzy “and you” he scuffed “were done” he said in his stone cold voice. taemin turned to me and walked my way taking my arm. I watched as kai looked away ashamed like he should be and minzy fall to the ground crying. I was dragged out of there until we got to a good distance being the park. Taemin took a seat on the bench and placed his head in his hands. I knew he was hurt worse than me. I moved near him pulling him into a hug “im sorry” I said knowing it wasn’t the words he wanted to here at this point. He turned pulling me close and began to cry in my arms. I felt the tears come back hearing the pain in his voice “don’t cry” I said in a broken tone.

        After a while he stopped “funny how your comforting me when you were hurt just like me” he told me wiping his face “you had it worst” I told him and he did best friend takes his girl. “but you saw it didn’t you” he told me. he was right I did.

        I pushed myself from under the water “I did didn’t I” I said let out a sigh and looked over to my remedy. I love her I remembered the words he told me after the three days we met up he told me he needed closer even if he couldn’t get it from taemin he wanted it for me.

        I walked into the café not too far from my house. I spotted kai and walked to him ‘you came” he said relived I nodded and took the spot across from him “do you want something to eat” he asked as if it was all fine and dandy but I knew kai he wasn’t good with things like this so I knew the distance between him and taemin is killing him “the food here is great” he continued I watched him intently ‘ask him’ I told myself “kai” I called to him he looked at me so his smile disappear “don’t worry about the food” I told him “ok well let’s get to the meeting” he told me I could see the un sureness and worry in his eyes “I just wanted to clear the air between us seeing taemin wouldn’t meet me I just needed one of you to hear me out” he said looking down.

          “clear the air” I said faintly “the smoke is strong kai but I will hear you out” I said to him looking into his eyes “why else would I come” I asked him he sighed “kat the thing with minzy wasn’t just a physical attraction it was emotional as well” he told me. I inhaled the news as it stabbed me “it’s not like me and you didn’t have an emotional attraction it just didn’t compare to what I had with her” he told me “I know this is hard to hear trust me its hard to say but I felt us loose what we had and don’t say you didn’t” he told me. “your right I did and I was so stupid for wishing that it would come back hell I was dumb for staying but it doesn’t stop the fact that this hurts” I told him

      “This pain in my chest burns and I feel sorry for taemin more than myself” I told him. he didn’t say anything he just react looking into his drink knowing what he did was a cheap thing to do “he trusted you” I told him “no wait he trusted both of you and to have him find his girl and is friend’s house holding a blanket to cover her body must be killing him at this moment” I paused as I notice him turn uncomfortable “and I was dumb” I said looking out the window “what” he asked me “I was dumb for thinking that kiss wasn’t away to get rid of the feelings you felt for her” I still staring out “only one who didn’t see mine and your one-sided feelings was taemin” I said looking to him.

        “sad how the ones you trust and love can easily turn around and bite you in the right” I asked him “I hope you and minzy can be happy I really do but I also hope that this doesn’t scar that poor friend of yours to not trust” I said he looked irritated and full of guilt like he should look instead of bring that bull. It was true he does love her but I couldn’t help the fact that he could use me and I let him pathetic right “I’ll take my leave” I told him standing. I turned to see minzy right there a sad expression mixed with a relived one “seems like the truth hour was planned” I said to him looking at him he looked spotted minzy then looked to me “have a nice life kai” I said walking away.

          I knocked on taemins door and waited for him to answer. Jinki his brother opened it “is tae here” I asked him “yeah” he said opening it wider “can you please talk him into eating” jinki asked “I will try” I sighed walking to the boys room. I knocked on it but he didn’t say a word so I opened it. the room was dark and stuffy like no air was circulating in here “gosh” I said walking to the room I closed the door behind me window and opening it I kept the shades over the window cause I didn’t want to see the sun either. I walked to his bed and crawled in next to him. I laid on my back taking in all that happened today. I felt the tears come to my eyes it was like the first since the incident I it up and looked to the boy “I know your awake” I told him “I would be sleep if you people didn’t wake me” he said dryly.

     “taemin did she come by” I asked him wondering “yes why” he asked not looking at me “so you got the whole we feel in love speech” i asked him. I felt the bed and shift and looked to him seeing him staring back. “I wish I was as strong as you” he told me “you are stronger than me” I told him looked at me confused “come on jinki made food and im hungry” I told him sitting up. I got off the bed and opened the door “coming” I asked the confused boy. He smiled and got off the bed.

          Strong something I never was I all I was, was scared terrified, ashamed I wasn’t someone to be smiled upon as strong. Taemin now he was strong he showed his feelings and was willing to admit he was hurt scared sad. Noting I was able to do. I lost my self in the lie to be strong only to suffer and cry inside and bleed on the out. My remedy was my only thing that helped me let this pain go. I sat on the bathroom floor in a shirt kai left over one thing I wasn’t willing to let go. My arm bled with the words it hurts carved into it. I closed my eyes taking in the feelings I hide all this time. I felt my head get dizzy and my heart let go of some pain replacing it with the one in my arm.

     I drew in the air I needed to keep conscious “kat I have been calling you” I heard chaerin yell “yeah” min added. I knew they were coming up the steps and I didn’t care if they say me. I was broken and dead inside nothing could take away this fact nothing can replace it with one that was better and more enduring. “kitty” jia called “maybe she’s not here” I heard taemin said ‘your right im not here’ I thought “wait what is that” I heard min asked. I could hear the steps come toward the bathroom as my head grew heavier and heavier “kat” jia called out pushing back the door. My eyes were straight looking at the wall across from me “oh my kat what the hell” chaerin asked me.

      my dry lips parted as I looked to her but closed once she looked back “min call the ambulance” jia told her “she lost a lot of blood” jia added. I felt my head spin even more as the darkness began pulling at me “stay with me ok” chaerin told me “let me go” I told her in a faint tone “what why” she asked confused “im done” I said looking out the window. I really was I must be really pathetic for letting myself hurt more than I should. “no im not taemin pass me a towel” she told him. he did as he was told shocked and scared chaerin wrapped the towel around my arm “tell min to cancel the call were driving” chaerin told jia. Who nodded my head bobed as I fell deeper into the dark “taemin pick her up” chaerin ordered taemin walked over lifting my body up “im not as strong as you think” those were the last words as my head dropped onto his shoulder eye lids closed.

        “kitty stay with us” I heard min say to me. I had short flashes of what was happening from the car ride to the arguing to the hospital and to the surgery room. it was vivid but I knew these would be the last memories god would gift me.

       Two weeks later

       I was released from the hospital the lee cousins took me and the girls and guys out to a barbecue on the roof top of chaerins complex. It was fun most I had in a long time. I felt my heart staring to let him go and my mind staring to clear. All I had to do was cry and hurt before I could actually see the light.

       I sat on the side lines watching the city below “having fun” I looked spotting taemin “yeah” I told him honestly “good im happy” he told me smiling as he looked to his hands “I think today will be the first day since I came back alive and im prepared this time” I told him looking out into the city “good because if you pull that stunt one more time im going to let you go” he told me “I didn’t ask you to donate your blood” I told him I hated feeling in debt into something. “its ok I know your thank full” he told me I wanted to throw him over the rail but just sighed as I smiled to myself “for a kitten you have a strong heart you shouldn’t lie to yourself and say you don’t when you were the one who helped me heal” he told me. I looked at him and he gave me a intense stare “don’t doubt yourself” he told me. I nodded and smiled looking away “and you don’t kill yourself” I told him “emotionally I mean” I added looking at him.