“Why would you do that? Why the hell can’t you just tell her?” Jongin couldn’t comprehend the absurdity of it all. A collection of lies told alongside with years of façade just to conceal the truth in order to “keep her”. He thought that the situation was the epitome of complete weakness.

And Hyemi deserved so much better, so much more.

“Because I’m a coward, Jongin,” Kyungsoo heaved, breathing uneven, struggling to hold back emotional release.

“Hyung, you’re so… selfish.”

Jongin’s judgment was unadorned yet so powerful, just because it was… true.

“I guess I am.”

Kyungsoo had been selfish since he’d sensed unusual feelings – since the day he came to a decision that he simply couldn’t be without Hyemi a few years back. It used to make perfect sense – control affections, keep Hyemi – but now that tables had begun to turn on them, everything was seemingly becoming the very conclusion he ultimately feared.

Losing her.

--

There would always be someone worse than you, just as there would always be someone better. Countless times I’d deemed myself to be a pathetic coward, yet I really didn’t have an inkling of what the word actually meant.

Until I was standing right before one.

“W- wh- what?”

I managed to haul the question out of my mouth while my own fluids gathered around my throat, somewhat choking me. Nothing was registering on my brain, but subconsciously, it all lined up faultlessly and came together.

“Th- there n- never was wh- w- what?”

Dark brown orbs overflowing with pain and frustration stared at me. Kyungsoo opened his mouth as if about to explain and argue, but nothing was coming out. With his colossal eyes glued firmly onto me, he slowly dragged himself out of the bed, wincing as he shuffled and freed himself from the creased covers. He walked – almost limped – towards me and quietly took hold of my hands, squeezing them before interlacing his fingers with mine.

“Hyemi-ah.”

As bewildered and hurt as I was, my knees were at high risk of toppling over. Kyungsoo inched closer, almost concealing the little space left in between our bodies. He released my hands, only so he could use his to envelop me in a tight embrace. His peppermint scent inhibited every drop of strength in my system, and no matter how driven I was to break free from his grasp, I couldn’t move.

“I need you,” he whispered and buried his face onto my right shoulder. He sobbed and snivelled as his grip tightened even more. “I’m- I’m s-sorry.”

I need you.

“You do?” I breathed in between tears. “Then how come you couldn’t… tell me when-”

“I’m telling you now, Hyemi-ah… j-jaebal-”

“Why did you- why- why did you… have to… lie to me?”

The crying was painful. It was excruciating. But the fact that everything was a damn façade, the fact that he lied, drilled even deeper holes into me.

“Because I didn’t want to… lose you.”

So there I stood – limp, immobile and trapped in his arms. I should have been feasting in cloud nine because finally here it was – the spark of hope was now fully qualified to reverse my unrequited love. The kiss was real. Our night under the stars was real. Not almost real, but… real.

But I was growing numb because the pain was too extreme, because both of us were lying cowards – fooling ourselves and each other for who-knew how long. The overwhelming jolt of heavy, mixed emotions was driving me insane, and I didn’t know how to choose which one I should express. The shattered mess I was is Do Kyungsoo’s ultimate masterpiece, because he was both rain and umbrella to me.

“Hasn’t it ever occurred to you that… that maybe you… you already have?”

Upon taking in my response, he let go of my body. Placing his fingers on my cheek, he wiped excess tears off of my face while devouring every inch of my being with his bittersweet stare. I shut my eyes to relish in his gentle touch, but I wasn’t primed for what took place next.

Grabbing my hips, Kyungsoo pulled me towards him and locked his sweet lips onto mine. His grip was too firm for me to fight – I was powerless. But as he leaned in even more closer to me, I found myself leaning in closer against him. I was no longer inhaling oxygen, but peppermint and ocean, and before my knees buckled entirely, I threw my arms around his neck and held myself up. I felt him flinch a little at my touch as the kiss fell deeper – his lips’ s fell harder and I could only respond by giving it back to him. I was lost in a clutter of frantic heartbeats and bewildered thoughts before finally pulling away to breathe again.

“H-hy-hyemi-ah.”

We both panted in rhythm with each other. I kept my arms placed around him, because if I’d released my grip, I would have collapsed on the floor.

“Hyemi-ah,” he whispered out my name once more as he caught his breath, “I haven’t lost you, and I can’t, and I- and I… never will.”

I couldn’t think, and I was drained and flushed. Then it occurred to me he still had a temperature.

“You’re still sick,” I freed his neck and pushed his shoulders down to make him sit on the bed. Turning away, I took the soup bowl from his bedside table. It had gone lukewarm, but he still had to eat it. So I held the spoon firmly, scooped some of the liquid and pointed it towards his mouth. He opened wide, and I spent the next half hour spoon-feeding Do Kyungsoo until the bowl was pristine clean.

“Go back to sleep.”

“Hyemi, I’m not sleep-”

“Just lay back down, then.”

It was a relief he didn’t argue further – or maybe he wanted to but no longer had the energy to do so – and did as I told. I helped him place his blanket and duvet over him. I sat on the floor, and we merely stared at each others’ swollen eyes before he broke the silence.

“Don’t go.”

Seconds after weakly commanding me to stay put, his droopy eyelids gave in to gravity, and he fell back to sleep. Lightly snoring, he didn’t budge at all when I dabbed the wet cloth on his forehead. I looked to the window and saw that dusk had come. Crickets were chirping repeatedly as the winter breeze punished the outside. I checked the time and found that it was nearing eight. It was time to head back home.

I cleaned up the bedside table as quietly and as thoroughly as I was capable of, so as not to wake the sleeping doe-eyed boy. After returning the basin and towel in the bathroom and washing the bowl and the spoon, I sat closer to Kyungsoo, only to find myself his tousled, dark hair.

He looked peaceful, yet pale and afraid. The way he kissed me was unfathomable, but it was undoubtedly urgent and needy. Thinking back sent waves of chills throughout my whole body. I was hurt, but today, things became real. I had no clue if I was still thinking properly, and I couldn’t choose how to feel either. I was in the middle of a long and winding road.

I got up and decided to leave. But before going out of the door, I pulled a vivid pen out of his pencil holder and bluntly jotted down words on a green Post-it note.

“I’ll see you… when we’re braver.”