Where am I? I know I used to know this place. Just like I used to know these people who are talking to me, repeating a few words that make no sense at all. I don’t know where I am, I don’t know these people. Heck, I don’t even know who I am. My head hurts. What happened? I don’t know, I don’t remember. My head hurts. So much. I have so many unanswered questions, and I can’t remember how to get answers. I know I’m supposed to ask questions so people will answer. But I open my mouth, because I remember I have to do that, and nothing comes out.

“Heechul-hyung?”

I know this is a name. Who the heck is… whoever this name belongs to? Do I know this person?

“Heechul-hyung, do you remember me? It’s me, Donghae.”

So your name is Donghae? You’re not very pretty aren’t you? I want to say it, but I can’t. There’s still something blocking me…

I wince in pain when a wave of pain flows through my body. I can feel it. There’s something I need to remember. Something I can’t remember! A name. I know it’s a name. And… and something else…

“I’m Hyukjae. Do you recognize me hyung?”

“You’re awfully ugly.”

Oh damn, I can speak. It makes the guy freeze in surprise. I can see in his eyes that he feels hurt. He sadly moves back, letting someone else approach me. What did I do wrong? I just told him the truth.

“Heechul, it’s me, Leeteuk.”

“Dammit you’re weird. Go away, you’re annoying.”

He bites his lower lip and goes a bit further.

“It’s me, Kyuhyun.”

“You have an eye that’s smaller than the other one. You’ve obviously been operated for your eyes and it doesn’t make you look better. And you’re damn chubby. And you lack muscles. Go work out and come back later.”

He obviously wants to talk back, but he contains himself and leaves, angry and sad. If he can’t stand the truth, that’s his problem, not mine.

“Heechul-hyung, I’m Siwon, do you remember me?”

“You have muscles. But you’ve got giant eyebrows. Ask someone to help you get rid of the useless bonus hair.”

They all approach me and speak to me. I tell the truth to all of them. All of them? No. There’s one who doesn’t dare approach me. I spot him as soon as all thirteen of the other ones are done. “Hey you.”

He bites his lower lip in fear. He’s not too tall and doesn’t seem too strong. His eyes look like a cat’s and his blonde hair suits him quite well. I inspect him from head to toes before looking away. “You’re good looking but your hands are super tiny. And your head is horribly huge.”

When I look at him again, I can see he started shaking. Oh dude, don’t freakin’ tell me he’s THAT sensitive. Tears appear in his eyes and he tries to say something. I’m getting impatient here. “If you have to say something, say so! If not, leave!”

He looks at me with desperate eyes. When he finally speaks, his voice shakes a lot with tears. “I… Heechul… I…”

“Oh come on, hurry! I don’t have all day!”

“I… no… forget it… just… just make sure you rest well… okay…?”

“I’ll be able to rest if you leave!”

He bites his lower lip again and nods before leaving the room. Finally alone, I sigh. Man, this was horribly long. And those three non-Korean guys were speaking so bad Korean that I couldn’t understand what they were saying. Tsk.

I close my eyes and sigh again. I try to sleep, but all I can do is remember that guy’s desperate eyes and shaking voice. Why can’t I get my mind off him? He’s not important anyway. If he were, I would remember him… wouldn’t I?

*************************

I wake up because of a two women speaking in my room. Concentrating, I try to get what they’re talking about.

“… because of the accident. The trauma he suffered made the ‘filter’ in his mind disappear. This is why he insulted his fellow Super Junior members yesterday.”

“Still, wasn’t that harsh? He was so horrible to poor Yesung… after all, he…”

They speak in a lower voice after that, so I can’t hear anything else, but I heard enough to get what happened to me. So I have been in an accident and have suffered a trauma. Probably a head trauma, which would explain why my head hurts so much. Does that also explain the urge I had to tell everyone what I really thought of them? And it probably means I’m in a hospital then…

Yesung… that name calls to my memory. It seems like there’s something important I forgot about that name. When I try to remember, it only hurts. It’s like there’s a barrier in my mind that prevents me from accessing those memories…

Who are you? Is that name the name I need to remember? Who does it belong to? Why do I feel like it’s important somehow? Even more important than my own name…

I open my eyes, let out a soft groan. “Water…”

I’m thirsty. The women in white in a corner of my room see me, bring me water. They do their best and soon I feel relieved. They help me sit on my bed and I take a better look at my room as they’re speaking to me in a soft voice. “How do you feel?”

“Who am I?” I ask, not listening to them.

“Kim Heechul,” one of them says before telling me how old I am, where I was born, where I live, what happened to me, and who were the people from yesterday.

“You are a great pop star, your fans are very worried at the moment,” the other one adds.

So I’m a star, and I have fans, and people love me. Great. “Who was here yesterday, you said?”

“Your parents came in the morning, but they had to leave after a while. Your mother stayed a little longer, but left when your fellow Super Junior members arrived. There were also the ones you had not seen for a while, such as Hankyung-sshi and Kim Kibum-sshi. Zhou Mi-sshi and Henry-sshi were there too, and all of your other Super Junior members. Even your belov-”

“You’re not supposed to tell him that!” the other one interrupts. “About his lover and him.”

“Oh… okay. Sorry.”

They change subjects before I can ask them more about that. “What do you remember?”

I close my eyes. “I remember my parents. And my noona Heejin.”

And that’s how the long, painful and horrible process of trying to recover my memories started.

*************************

A few months later, I’m finally released from the hospital. Happily, I recovered most of my memories with the help of pictures. I now remember my life with Super Junior and my fellow members. As soon as I got out, I apologized to them for the insults I had said on the first day. They all smiled and said it was nothing. All of them, except one. Except the blonde guy. Yesung, I remembered.

Yesung…

Why does that name still seem more important than the rest? I’ve been back with the group for a while now, and I still can’t remember why Yesung seems more important than everyone else. He’s so cold with me, never talking to me, and trying to avoid me as much as possible. I once tried to enter his room to speak with him and he threw me out as soon as he saw me before slamming the door shut and locking it. I only had time to see tears in his eyes before he disappeared behind the door.

I sigh and close my laptop. I’ve been replying fans’ comments on my Twitter for hours now. And the doctors still won’t let me rehearse with Super Junior. I’m alone in the dorm and I’m bored. Letting myself fall back on my chair, I close my eyes.

“Yesung…”

My heart jumps painfully in my chest as I say that name. I don’t know why. I can’t remember. It’s horrible. I know there’s something important about you, yet… I can’t find what it is.

I open my eyes when I hear the sound of someone coming back. Getting up, I’m going to see who it is.

“Oh… Yesung.”

You’re staring at me with the same eyes as usual. Those desperate eyes. Why do you always look at me like that? Do you know why you sound so important to me? You probably do. Why won’t you tell me?

I try to grab your arm as you pass by me, but you evade my grip and lock yourself into your room. I sigh and punch your door. “Yah, Kim Jongwoon! Get out and tell me why you’re always like this with me! What did I do to you?! I was rough on you the day I woke up and you were there after the accident, but I apologized, you know I didn’t mean it! So what the ?!”

He suddenly opens the door. “You forgot,” he says in a soft voice.

“Then tell me what I forgot, so I can remember again,” I sigh.

“No.”

He’s about to close the door, but I manage to enter his room before he does. “Sing for me,” I demand, just like that.

He shakes his head. “No.”

“Why not? You have a beautiful voice.”

He sighs. “But I have a huge head and tiny hands.”

“Hey, you know I didn’t mean it! C’mon, sing for me.”

He hesitates for a second before giving in. “Fine. But there won’t be music.”

“That’s okay.”

I sit on his bed and he sits by my side. Closing his eyes for a second, he then opens them and starts, his voice full of emotion, his eyes desperate. I shiver as his voice makes its way into my being. Into my soul.

Into my heart.

“I can’t breathe

I’ve lost my direction

My memory’s breaking into pieces

But you’re so calm because it has nothing to do with you

Do you even want to take away the last bit?

Sorry, really sorry

Even when I say this I feel apologetic

In a short while, we might lose everything

Love really hurts, it hurts too much

I keep smiling yet crying endlessly

Love is really funny, really frightening

Please, stop it now, if only I was able to wake up from my dream

Don’t forget, please don’t forget

Even if it’s all lies, it’s okay

In a short while, we might lose everything

Love really hurts, it hurts too much

I keep smiling yet crying endlessly

Love is really funny, really frightening

Please, stop it now, if only I was able to wake up from my dream

When I’m longing for, and calling out your name

Once anxiously and timidly loving you

Want to believe

Stop breathing

Resist the tears

I keep smiling yet crying endlessly

Love is really funny, really frightening

Please, stop it now, if only I was able to wake up from my dream…”

His words stab my soul, his feelings grip my heart. The last barrier in my memory breaks and I cry. I cry because I have finally recovered those last memories I was missing. Not only the memories, but also the feelings that come with them. I hug Yesung, my love, my other half, and the most important person to me. I hug him, and apologize, and apologize again, and again, until he stops me softly, crying too, by kissing me breathlessly.

His lips feel so good, and so soft, and so perfect. And it feels right, and I feel hungrier for his kisses, like this is something I needed all this time without knowing it. We kiss again and again, until we can’t contain ourselves anymore. We roll on the bed and I remember his touch, and how his body feels against mine. I missed this so much without even knowing…

We get dressed after that, just in case, and naturally fall asleep in each other’s arms. Because we both need this after being separated for so long.

When the other members come back, they find Yesung and I sleeping. Jungsu smiles and closes the door, making sure the other members won’t wake us up.

Simply glad I have finally got back the last piece of my lost memories.