I walked faster, my heartbeat sounded louder than my footsteps. If only I could just teleport to my room and escape the dark alley I’m trudging now, I would have already done so. I can still feel someone following me. I can feel his eyes looking at me and I know he is near, even if I can’t hear his footsteps. I am not being paranoid, he is always there and he knows me. I gripped my bag tighter and prayed hard to the god I don’t really believe in.

I let out a sigh of relief when I finally saw our house. It made me feel safer knowing I am almost home. I didn’t dare look back and walked straight to our gate. I touched the cold metal handle and opened it. A package fell as the door swung open, he is still there as I stared at the white envelope. Scared, I picked it up and closed the gate as fast as I could. At last, I felt relieved. I can’t feel him looking at me anymore.

My mom was preparing dinner when I arrived. I smiled at her weakly and before she could nag me about my pale, sweaty appearance. I ran up the stairs, hesitated at the middle, knowing that I am acting weird. “Mom, I am tired so you and dad can eat ahead. I’ll have dinner later.” I said, hoping that my voice didn't sound shaky.

Right after closing my door, I tossed the package at my bed. I dumped my bag in the table and changed my clothes.

Sitting at the edge of the bed, I stared at the package, picked it up and shook it. It seems like a book is inside. I contemplated for a while if I should open it or just throw it away. I don’t know why, but I am scared to open it, and I can’t throw it away either. I stared at it for I don’t know how long, each minute makes the package seem heavier than it really is. Finally, I gave up and buried it under my closet, together with more unopened letters. I made sure it is hidden carefully by putting socks and towels over it. I decided to skip dinner and went to bed.

The next morning, I woke up with a heavy headache. I tried to call for my mom, but my throat feels so hoarse and painful. I tried to sit down as I blink my eyes, trying to clear my head. I tried to stand but doing so made me lose my balance and I fell to the soft mattress. Something on top of the drawer caught my attention, it was the package. Seeing it gave me goose bumps. Maybe it’s my mom, but that doesn’t make sense. I ignored it and slept some more, it’s Saturday after all.

A few hours later, I felt stronger and got up from bed. I went down in the kitchen and saw a post-it stuck on the fridge. 'We’ll be back tomorrow, eat out or call deliveries'. Then I remembered it was mom’s class reunion. I felt my stomach growling. Deliveries can take 40 minutes and I’m too dizzy to cook a meal. Sighing, I decided to go to a nearby eatery, run by a friendly ajumma who sells home cooked meals, just a block away.

It is a warm day and I enjoyed walking. I felt safe seeing many people walking, they may be strangers but at least I know he won’t harm me in broad daylight. I reached the eatery and the ajumma fussed over me as soon as she saw me. I smiled as she asked me about mom and dad. There is really nothing to say and soon she left me to enjoy my stew.

I was happily sipping the soup when I felt the hairs on my neck stand. I have a sick feeling on the pit of my stomach and I know he is here. I quickly finished my food and called the ajumma to pay for my meal.

“Jaejoong-ah, it’s on the house. You look sick so go home and rest.” I insisted paying but I can’t win over her. I smiled and went out. I can still feel him watching over me. As I walk back to our house, a thought hit me and I felt dizzy. The reason the ajumma refused my money is because that person already paid for it. Does she know him, I wondered. Then I remembered the package. How did it end up on my drawer? Is it a new one, or did he enter my room? I felt like going crazy as I hasten my pace.

Arriving at home, I ran upstairs to my room. I reached for the package with my shaking hands. Inspecting it, I confirmed it was the same package as yesterday. I tried to be brave and ripped it open. Inside is a diary. I don’t know why but I was sweating so much and I felt dizzy again. A name is neatly scribbled at the cover, Yun ho.

I dropped the diary, 'Yun ho'… who is that guy? Is he the one following me around? I felt less scared now that I know his name. I didn’t pick up the diary but instead I went to the shower, feeling sticky from sweating too much. I turned the temperature as high as I can until the shower is full of steam. The hot water on my skin relaxed me for a moment. Who is Yun ho?

I finished and stepped out. I brushed my teeth, staring at my reflection. I wiped the fog in the mirror and looked at myself. I felt the ugly scar in my scalp wondering if I got amnesia or what… but it was an old scar. I grabbed my clothes and put them on.

My hands are shaking again as I reach for the diary. I flipped it open and was surprised as I look into my very own picture with a guy I don’t know. Another headache attacked when I tried to go to the next page, but I ignored it.

Jae, be careful! Jae… I fell and the owner of that voice caught me. There were children around us. They are chanting our name. Who are they and whose memories are these?

I didn’t feel so scared anymore. That guy calling my name doesn’t sound threatening at all.

January 14, 2010

Happy diary day Jae… from now on let’s fill this up with our memories, neh? I’ll give mine to you so you write your best moments with me here and I’ll promise to make you happy always so, you’ll be busy writing in here. Let’s exchange and read each other’s diary on the next diary day. I’m thankful for meeting you because finally I can have someone I could love. I love you Jae…

Is this Yun ho? Is this the guy stalking me? I touched my cheeks wondering why it’s warm. I was crying and I don’t know why. I’m feeling sad and confused. The headache didn’t go away and my curiosity just grew more. I scanned some more pages and ended up reading everything.

January 22, 2010

Yun ho bought me ice cream today. I am so happy but he got jealous because all my attention is on the ice cream. Jealous Yun ho is cute. When the ice cream smeared on my nose, he kissed it clean. I got really embarrassed and ran away. He kept calling me but all I can’t look at him.

February 1, 2010

Yun ho and I talked about many things today. He said he wanted to be with me, we’ll graduate, get into a good university and have a good life. Yun ho is smart so I’m worried if I can do it too. He hugged me and told me no matter what, he’ll always be there.

February 14, 2010

Happy valentines! I am so happy today!!! I gave him homemade chocolates. He said it was delicious but I know he is lying. But still, I love this day.

This is what happened, I planned to go to school early and put the chocolate on his desk, but when I got there, Yun ho is already in the room. I thought my plan failed but he said it’s the best Valentine’s Day ever. I know it sounds so typical, but hearing him say ‘I love you’ makes it so special. He pulled me closer and I discovered that Yun ho tasted sweeter than chocolates.

I stopped reading. Clearly, the person who wrote this stuff is I. I am in love with this Yun ho guy based on the diary, but I can’t remember a single thing about him. The events are quite familiar though, but I'm not so sure. I thought I heard the door open and I turned my head, almost expecting Yun ho to be standing there. No one was there and I can’t really feel his presence. I tried to read more hoping that my questions would be answered.

March 14, 2010

Today Yun ho teased me a lot. He kept on poking me and whispering my name. It is cute, but it got me into trouble with the teacher. I got annoyed, so during lunch, I dragged him in the rooftop. I was about to say something when he suddenly embraced me. I won’t ever forget what he told me afterwards. ‘I love you Jae so much, that I can’t help but get your attention. Sorry if I was annoying but happy white day Jae.’ He gave me candies! I even kept the wrappers in the pages of my Algebra book.

Aril 14, 2010

Its black day today and I teased my best friend Changmin. Unlike me he is single so he was alone, eating black bean noodle in ajumma's eatery when me and Yun ho passed by. He got annoyed but Yun ho and I decided to just spend the afternoon with him.

Changmin, he knows Yun ho! Changmin is my best friend. We grew up together but we haven’t met for years. Yun ho is real since Changmin was mentioned here. I need to ask him but I need to read this first.

May 14, 2010

I didn’t know that Yun ho really sticks to the romantic holidays. I didn’t know it was rose day today. When I woke up there was a rose on my bedside table. My mom said a handsome boy delivered it. I asked her who it was but she said it was just a delivery boy. There was no name on the rose but I know it’s Yun ho pretending to be an errand boy. I need to go to school now and say thank you to him.

June 14, 2010

When I woke up and saw the date I spazzed so hard that I fell in my bed. It’s kiss day and I imagined me and Yun ho doing it. My mom thought I was going crazy or what. She told me to go and get dressed. I remembered it was my aunt’s wedding, I felt sad that I wouldn’t get to see Yun ho.

After changing my clothes, I told my mom to hurry up and I went outside first. Someone whistled and when I turned, Yun ho was there smiling widely at me. I forgot where I am and just ran to him. I was really surprised that he remembered the wedding when I myself forgot. He told me my tie was crooked. He fixed it and I can’t help but stare at his face. He called my name and pulled the tie closer to his face until our lips met. It was very short but sweet. I heard my mom's voice and I had to say goodbye to Yun ho.

July 14, 2010

Me and Yun ho got couple bracelets! It’s silver day so we went to the mall and bought silver bracelets. Yun ho said he wanted to meet my family because he has none. I said okay, but I am worried. Will my parents be okay with us going out? I don’t know what will happen but I love Yun ho very much.

August 14, 2010

It is green day today and we went camping with Junsu, Yoochun and Changmin. Yun ho was bad in directions and we got lost, but still we all had fun that day. Me and Yun ho slept next to each other and when we woke up, we saw Yoochun and Changmin hugging. We teased them to death, but Changmin kept on denying, saying that it was just a habit he had.

September 14, 2010

Photo day! We sneaked out of study hall and Changmin took a picture of us together. I pasted it in the first page of the diary and I will look at it every day. Me and Yun ho really look good together keke.

October 14, 2010

Wine day but we drank soju instead. We had a sleep over at Junsu’s since his parents are out. Yun ho got drunk and he kissed me right in front of our friends, weird Changmin cried and fell asleep. Junsu and Yoochun even have to pull Yun ho before he goes farther while they are all watching. I was so embarrassed but I felt very happy when he said he is not ashamed of me and that he can say ‘I love you Jae’ even in front of my parents. I am touched but real worried too… what will my parents say?

October 14, 2010

We went to the movies and watched my sassy girl. It made me cry and Yun ho promised me that we would also do the time capsule thing. I should go and write a letter to him now and program it so that he will receive it a year from now. I know it’s a year away but I am really excited to receive his letter next year.

November 14, 2010

It is peppero day today. My friends and I played the peppero game. Changmin did it with Junsu but whenever their face gets close to each other, Changmin bursts into laughter and Junsu is showered with peppero. Yoochun is so weird, he put the peppero in his mouth and his dog ate it. Well, me and Yun ho did it and won. He doesn’t mind kissing me in front of people now but I still feel embarrassed. He wanted to go to my house, but I told him I’m not ready. He looked sad and it hurt but I just can’t tell my parents yet.

December 14, 2010

It’s hug day today but I am not getting any hugs from Yun ho. I miss him so much, I want to see him now. My dad got angry with me because he heard the rumor that I and Yun ho are kissing in front of the house. When it happened, I totally forgot we’re in front of the house and a nosy neighbor must have seen us. I miss Yun ho!!!

December 24, 2010

My internet and phone was confiscated. I can use them but dad checks everything. I finally got to talk to Yun ho through Changmin and we are planning to sneak out and see each other after Christmas Eve dinner. I’m glad I have Changmin, or else I won’t see Yun ho today. My mom and dad would be too tired after dinner that they won’t notice me missing.

There were no more entries after December 24 two years ago. It felt as if I have just read another couple’s love story, although obviously I was the one who wrote it. “Yun ho… Yun ho!” I tried to say his name repeatedly. Half expecting him to come running to me. I still can’t remember him, but his name felt familiar to my lips. I kissed that man, I hugged him, and I am deeply in love with him… so why can’t I remember? Did I really suffer from amnesia?

However, I realized that I could remember all the events that happened in the diary. I remember Junsu and I eating ice cream in the park, I gave out chocolates on Valentine’s Day to Junsu, Yoochun and Changmin, on white day we all ate candies. During rose day, I didn’t do anything that I can remember. My aunt really was wed on kiss day. I don’t have a silver bracelet. We went camping on green day but there was no Yun ho with us. I never went to a photo booth before and I never drank soju even if Changmin kept on asking me. I remember watching sassy girl with my friends. We all did the peppero game for fun. Changmin got drunk on hug day and he came running to me, squeezing me with his bear-like hug. I spent Christmas with my family. There was no Yun ho in any of those events…

The email! There is no contact on the diary so I can’t call Yun ho. My friends never mentioned him. My family and friends are hiding that guy from me. There must be something and I need to find out.

I opened the computer and searched for emails I received dated around October this last year. There was nothing, did Yun ho lied and did not do his promise? If he was real, he would have sent me a mail last year. I searched everything but there was nothing suspicious on my inbox. Did Yun ho even exist?

I was so confused on what to do next. The dates are all scrambled at my head. I opened my drawer and pulled out a piece of paper and a pencil. If I ever want to solve the mystery then I should write it down.

Two years ago I dated a guy named Yun ho. That was in 2010 and I even wrote about him in a diary. There is no trace of him that I can find during 2011. That year, 2011, I entered university and I even cried when I realized my friends and me would go on separate ways. I should have received a letter from Yun ho on October 14, 2011. It is now 2012 and I haven’t even seen Changmin since we graduated from high school. Junsu never said anything or acted weird whenever we hang out. Yoochun is in Seoul and he never mentioned anything either. I had an accident on 2009 before that diary was even bought, so I am not really suffering from amnesia. So why can’t I remember? My memories have no Yun ho in it even if the events from two years ago really happened. I’m so frustrated already that I wanted to cry. My head hurts like crazy but there is no one that could help me.

Where is that mail? I sent him one but he never replied to me? Wait… I sent him the email, so it must be in the sent items right? Jae, why haven’t you thought of it before? Why are you so stupid? Okay I’m really stupid because I can’t even remember my supposed to be boyfriend.

October 2010, 2010, where are you email sent by me? Finally, I saw an email with the name Yun ho in the subject. I pulled a chair and plopped myself in it. I just have this feeling that my questions can have answers now.

Dear Yun ho,

When you get to read this, I just hope you are well. You must be expecting me to just blabber here how much I love you, like how I always do every day. But actually, I want to tell you a secret, I mean I actually know about your secret.

When we first met, I knew you were just doing it because of a bet among your friends. Changmin saw you and warned me, but I did not listen to him. I knew yet I accepted you and even fell in love with you. At first, I only went along with it. I don’t know why I did that, maybe I was thinking I wouldn’t fall for you anyway. That at the end I could reveal everything and laugh at you. Then I woke up one day living in a lie, because I can’t deny anymore that I am in love with a liar like you.

When you read this letter, please know that I still love you despite everything. You can laugh all you want at my foolishness, you may wonder why I didn’t get mad at you or why I pretended not to know. But what can I do if I believe that despite your coming to me was just a joke, I believed everything you showed me was real. When you wiped that ice cream from my face, I saw genuine concern in your eyes. Whenever I fall and you look at me with worry, I always thought I was lucky to have met you.

That day you won the bet with your friends, I followed you and saw your troubled face. I walked near you but you never noticed, maybe because you are tearing up. I heard you whisper ‘sorry Jae’, and that made me feel really happy. That day I thanked myself that I played your game. Although at first I thought it was funny, towards the middle, it hurt, but at the end it worked out well or so I hope.

You got annoyed when you said you wanted to meet my parents but I said no. I was so happy that a car almost hit me, walking home. Even before that, my thoughts are filled of you Yun ho, I can’t even last for a day without hearing your voice. That argument about meeting my parents just made me love you more. You love me for real right? Because you wanted me to tell my parents that you are my boyfriend, you won’t do that unless you are serious with me. Yun Jae is real right?

If ever I am wrong and what I saw is just my delusions. Then don’t say anything and just walk out of my memories quietly. I will try to forget so help me do that if you are even human.

P.S. I love Yun ho, I really do and will always do… I will never forget that, I’ll always have that love in my heart… always, forever… even if you really do walk away from me, I think I will still love you.

Kim Jaejoong

The one who loves you

I wiped the liquid that pooled on my desk. I may not remember anything but I felt sad. Am I really the one who did this? Did I really love someone who only wanted to trick me? I wish I didn’t read that diary. If I forgot Yun ho, then does that mean he really walked away from my memories quietly? But if he did, why is he following me? Why give me the diary and make me aware of his existence?  And why do I feel like I wanted to meet him even if something’s telling me I’d just regret it.

I lied down on my bed and closed my eyes. I thought closing them would stop the tears from flowing in my eyes, but it didn’t. I don’t know how long I kept that position, but soon I can’t feel anything anymore.