Ryeowook awoke to the smell of something delicious and an empty bed. Ah, so today was one of those days. He smiled to himself in his pillow, tangling himself in the sheets a little. Youngwoon, the bear-like man that preferred fists to words, even after his time in the military, could be so-oooo romantic sometimes.

Not wanting to scare him away with his giddiness, he composed himself in the room they shared for a few moments before skipping out to the kitchen. His eyes were calm, but he couldn’t stop smiling. He gave up, deciding this was composed enough.

He crept into the kitchen, slowly sliding his arms around Youngwoon’s waist. His slender arms barely made it all the way around. “Good morning Kangin-hyung,” he said softly in a singsong voice. He couldn’t help it. He let out a puff of air that was really a giggle he was trying to hide. Youngwoon grunted, and Ryeowook felt it through his back. That was his good morning.

“What are you making?” asked Ryeowook curiously, trying to get a peak at the pan. There was a pause and then Youngwoon answered “Tuna porridge.”

“Omo, really? You are the best!” said Ryeowook happily. Youngwoon’s cheeks flushed.

“ Jus’ porridge” he grumbled. Ryeowook laughed. Deciding to stop teasing him, he set the table before sitting down. Ryeowook spent most of the time that he wasn’t at work in this kitchen. When Youngwoon tried to help him he just shooed him out, saying that he could do it faster by himself. Once though, after watching Titanic, and Ryeowook had replenished his tears with four bottles of soju, Ryeowook had confessed that he though Kangin looked like a god in Ryeowook’s red apron. Youngwoon had called him something that had made him blush. Neither of them had been able to walk very well the next day.

Ryeowook watched contentedly from his seat at the table. He shouldn’t be watching while a hyung cooked…but really it was a win-win for both of them in the long run. After all this time, it was still hard going out in public, so Youngwoon got to spoil him in one of the few ways he could and Ryeowook got to watch the show, and he got tuna porridge. He really did love Youngwoon’s tuna porridge, it never tasted the same when he made it.

“What’s the occasion?” asked Ryeowook. Youngwoon dropped the stirring stick, but picked it back up quickly. Ryeowook chuckled at his unusual display of clumsiness.

“I like it when you cook,” he continued “but usually you only make tuna porridge for special occasions.” There was a long pause. Ryeowook’s brow creased a little when Youngwoon didn’t answer right away. “Youngwoon-hyung!”

Youngwoon seemed to come to an internal decision and nodded to his laptop, which Ryeowook hadn’t noticed on the table. He pulled it towards him, casting suspicious glances at Youngwoon all the while, and typed in the password sujuforever! He read the email that came up.

Annyeong yeoreobun! It’s that time again. We’re meeting at mine and Hyukjae’s place this time. Heechul, Donghee, bring the alcohol. Also, make sure Heechul doesn’t wear anything too atrocious kekeke. See you all on the eighth, at four. Ryeowook-ah, we’re cooking.

-Teukie

Ryeowook’s eyes lit up. It had been so long since their last one! Suju had disbanded four and a half years ago, favorably and naturally, though Ryeowook didn’t like to think about the time. He had lost a lot of weight, going around like a ghost, but he couldn’t help it. He had fretted and worried that everything would be different and he wouldn’t see his brothers anymore. Things were different, he admitted ruefully, inevitably, but they still met faithfully. It always warmed Ryeowook to the core when he saw Donghae trample in the door of wherever they were meeting that time, handsome as ever, followed by Eunhyuk-hyung with a different girl every time. He sighed at the two idiots. Hangeng-hyung had not made it to the first few but eventually, Ryeowook supposed, enough time had passed that they could forget things like lawsuits and solo careers, and just be as they had been in the old days. Heechul-hyung would be right behind him, with Kibum-hyung. Kyuhyun, though he said he only came to bring the average age down, always showed up right on time. Ryeowook smiled, thinking of the others: Yesungie-hyung, Sungmin-hyung, Zhou Mi, his gege, Siwon-hyung. Henry lived in Canada again these days, but usually made it. He had threatened to stop coming if Ryeowook didn’t stop pinching his cheeks. And of course Teukie-hyung, who had kept his promise to keep them all together. He rolled his eyes at the last line. That was Leeteuk-hyung warning him not to bring food, knowing he would do so anyway.

Ryeowook beamed at the chance to see his family again. Youngwoon was still staring at the porridge and hadn’t looked up. “What’s wrong?” asked Ryeowook, face falling. “Why aren’t you excited?” he pouted.

“Ryeowook-ah” said Youngwoon slowly, “I think we should tell them about us this time,” Ryeowook just froze at the computer. He hadn’t expected this. Oh no, he hadn’t expected this at all.

He would have stayed in his room if he had known this was coming. “The tuna porridge was just a bribe then?” scowled Ryeowook. Youngwoon put the spoon down. He gave his full attention to Ryeowook, not liking the look on his face one bit. He looked like he had swallowed a lime, and was straining his facial muscles not to show a reaction.

“Ryeowook, you’re the one that’s been saying for years that we need to come clean.” They had lied to their family, to smooth over the puzzled faces made at the two members who had never seemed particularly close, wanting to move in together two years after the break up. Ryeowook hadn’t known whether to be grateful, or sad, that they had been so successful at hiding how they felt.

“I know, I know…I just.” It was always at the back of his mind, that their relationship survived only because of the lies they told. For years, they performed, sharing nothing that could be counted suspicious. They were close, but not as close as say, Eunhyuk and Donghae, or Heechul and Hangeng. It had taken years for them to reveal to one another that they liked each other, without inadvertently revealing more to anyone else. He hadn’t even been all that sure if Kangin-hyung had liked him as more than a hyung.

“And just when did you get so mature?” Ryeowook grumbled back, trying to buy time. He was already wringing his hands.

“I am the hyung,” said Youngwoon. Ryeowook buried his face in his hands.

“I thought I had more time. We, had more time” he groaned. Youngwoon patted his back soothingly, but said nothing. Suddenly Ryeowook turned to Youngwoon, “I won’t give you up you know. Not after all this”. Youngwoon laughed. He appreciated how much Ryeowook looked like a sulky puppy on their behalf.

“I know Ryeowook-ah,” said Youngwoon. He knew all that Ryeowook wasn’t saying either. How much he feared having to choose.

Ryeowook, who didn’t know what to say, was annoyed by how calm Youngwoon was. He wished he would be more agitated, like he was when he still went by Kangin. To be this calm, he must have been thinking about this for ages. Ryeowook sighed again, feeling his eyes sting. He was an optimistic person…but wasn’t foolish enough to believe they would come out of this unscathed. That they would survive this. He moaned a little.

He turned slowly in Youngwoon’s arms, pinning his gaze with his own. “What about Teukie-hyung?” he asked. Youngwoon could only hold his gaze for a moment longer. “He’ll be okay, he has to be.” Youngwoon’s eyes pleaded silently for him to understand.

They had never talked about what was between Leeteuk and Kangin, that special closeness that could have easily been something else under different circumstances. His nails dug into the table. That’s what killed him, the potential. How do you destroy potential? Ryeowook trusted Kangin—no, Youngwoon—one hundred percent but he knew that that thing they had, it was different from their thing… but it was just there, taunting him, horrifying him. Ryeowook at once was in awe of it, as it was beautiful and loyal, but he resented it too.

The small little man was consumed with the overwhelming urge to vomit. He should be happy that Kangin had unequivocally chosen him—no, he reminded himself, Kangin had said there had been no choice, that it could only be him—but could something be right that had the potential to hurt so many people? Teukie hyung deserved this least of any person in the world, to find out that his last dream, the one he wanted the most after keeping Super Junior together, had never been real. Could Ryeowook be that selfish?

Unnoticed, the porridge was burning.