It was a gloomy afternoon again, the sky was gray and the clouds were heavy. Everywhere he looked was a monochrome of pixelated scenes of a world he never imagined to be in. He furrowed his eyebrows. Wasn’t there a rainbow just yesterday? A bed of beautiful hibiscus outside his apartment building and white birds flying across the bright blue sky? Wasn’t yesterday just—-

He scoffed to himself as he shrugged his black coat on and slipped his feet in his black studded boots. The click of the door locking was something he dreaded, even if he was just out for a walk, or some coffee, or something, anything. Maybe anything apart from staying in their apartment would get his mind off of thinking too much. 

His studded boots thumped on the concrete obnoxiously as he walked down the street, the cafe just a few blocks from his door. He could smell the rain coming, and he didn’t know whether to dread it, or welcome it….because he didn’t know what he felt about the first rain after losing her. He continued walking, even passed the cafe….maybe if he kept walking he’ll find himself somewhere where he could just completely forget, even just for a while.

He felt the first few drops on the top of his head, and for some odd reason…he felt his chest heave and his nose itch. He scrunched it in an attempt to itch it away. He let out a breath and let out a light gasp.

“Daehyun-ah,” her soft voice resonated in his head and it started to drizzle.

Drizzles.

The itching in his nose got worse and he was afraid that if he took another breath, the itch might turn into sobs and he wasn’t in the mood for sobs, he was out to get away from it. He then stopped walking and the drizzles became more of sprinkles, heavier drops of cold water dripping from the sky as he stood still and looked up.

“Daehyun-ah,” went her soft voice again, and as if the rain was a million drops of memories that painted every inch of him, it poured, water and memories, illness and love. 

He started walking again, ignoring the gawks he got from people. Because these people didn’t know what sorrow was. These people didn’t know what pain was, what loss was. These people didn’t know what happened to people who get left behind by their most beloved.

But Daehyun did.

And so he walked, picked up the pace until he ran. The rain hitting his face and his body, covering him with her memories, painting him with shots of her beautiful face, smiling, laughing, talking, yelling….alive. 

He knew he was sobbing then as he ran still. His thighs were burning and his chest hurt from crying but he didn’t care. 

He ran. 

He ended up in front of her old house. The one her parents had….the one she had. How he ended up there…he didn’t know because there shouldn’t be reason for him to go there because it was abandoned.

He looked at the house, knowing it was locked, that no one would answer. He remembered her opening the door to him and swinging her arms around his neck, kissing his cheek and taking the bouquet of flowers he brought her. He remembered the smile on her face the first time he met her parents. He remembered the warmth of her lips on his the first time they made love in her room with her parents’ room just across. He remembered her beautiful eyes….he remembered before he met her parents, how there was a door at the back that couldn’t be locked that led them to the basement…..

He lifted his head up and walked around the house to the door, swung it open and stepped in. It was obviously never found. He walked down the stairs as he again was flooded with the phantom feeling of her hands on his chest, her fingers in his hair as they would kiss, walking down those very stairs. Another heavy heave of breath escaped his chest as he began sobbing, reaching the bottom of the stairs.

There, she confessed,

“I Love You,”

For the first time.

He ran his hands once over his face and screamed. He screamed all the sorrow away, all the memories away. He screamed all the pain in his chest, the heaving of his breath and the monochromatic nightmare that seemed to make him think that…..she’s gone…..she’s gone? He dropped on his knees and his sobs abruptly stopped as shots of her memories flickered through his mind again. He grasped his chest in an attempt to make the hurt stop, but of course, who was he to fool, the pain shot through his body and he screamed again.

He should leave. There was too much memories kept in that basement, there was too much to eat up all the color and turn everything completely in a black and white movie where everything was pixelated and noisy. Make it stop, he just wanted to make it stop.

He ran out of the house and on the street. He ran and slowed to a jog as he realized there was no one around him, no stranger walking with him, no dogs, no cars. It was empty. He started running some more until his thighs hurt again and he slowed to a jog in downtown Seoul.

Everything was still the same, as if in a black and white movie. He had stopped crying, but the pain was still there, the heaving, the aching. He stepped in with the crowd, hoping that maybe, maybe if he were to step in with the monochromatic world then the pain would dull, the aching would stop and the heaving would turn normal.

But the world was relentless. 

Their favorite cafe stood out to him and for a second everything slowed down and as everything was black and white, the cafe was colorful and inviting. Inside it he saw himself and her, with their scarves around their necks and a coffee in between them. They always shared coffees and pieces of cake. He remembered hating doing couple things like that but she showed him how to enjoy little things like taking self pictures of them in the shop, showing the world, boasting that they were a couple.

He almost believed that it was true again, that she was alive and that he was able to feed her cake again. But everything proceeded when someone bumped into him, and he became aware of the very dull world he now lived in once again, and the pain that seemed to dull, the ache seemed to go away and the shortage of breath proceeded. He pulled himself away from the false possibility of her again, no matter how much the cafe and the thought of her, of them, in it appealed to him, he pulled himself away.

He proceeded to walk and lulled the world into monotone, the silent pitter pattering of rain the only thing he allowed to serenade him as he gave up to his sorrow. He let it consume him as he walked passed the movie theatre he first brought her to. A movie just finished and a girl passed by him, his nose catching a whiff of a soft scent. He looked at this girl, walking away, her arm linked to another, her hair, long and healthy blowing with the wind. He looked at his coat and it was soaking. Why did she look so unaffected by the rain? He then noticed a guy was holding an umbrella over them, protecting her, even if half of him was soaking wet.

“Daehyun-ah,” the girl suddenly said softly and it made him gasp, to hear his name and to watch her reach up and kiss his cheek. She ran into the rain then and made him go after her.

That was exactly what happened the first time he brought her to the movies.

He left his apartment because he didn’t want to be reminded of her, to be reminded of the love that he once had, cherished and protected for more than four years, only to be taken away by a freak accident, leaving him alive and well and her….gone. 

He went back to his apartment and parked his shoes beside where hers would have been. He took a shower and dried himself up, putting on boxers and lying down in bed, pulling her pillow close to him, taking a light whiff of her perfume. As he drowned himself in the phantom feeling of her with him, he noticed the pain ebbing away, as his own consciousness slipped into a dream.

His consciousness hit him back awake a while later and he woke up, immediately forgetting what he was dreaming of and his eyes opened up to a gray ceiling with gray clouds again outside. he heard the slight pit pattering of rain still, and he got up this time to look for food, maybe. But he dreaded it because he was going to be out in the rain again. Emotionless though, he got up and aimlessly walked through the rain to the nearby grocery store to maybe get some ramen to cook. Because he can’t cook. Because she cooked. He bit his lip to will the sorrow away again because he can’t be living everyday with thoughts of her, he can’t be going to sleep every night wondering what she’s doing in the afterlife. He needed to…..he needed to forget.

He bought the ramen and got ready to step out into the rain again. The drops were stronger this time. Yesterday, they were just drizzles, soft falling memories of her in his mind. But today it was pouring, as if willing those memories to erase themselves. Sighing, he stepped out into the rain and let it erase what was left of her, what was left of him. He let it drown him once more but it abruptly stopped. He stopped in his tracks and was bumped into by someone behind him.

“Excuse me…” a hoarse, husky voice said behind him and he turned around to find a petite lady holding up an umbrella over his head, “Please don’t step out in the rain like that….you’ll get sick,” she bit her lower lip and Daehyun remembered her, her tiny body, her curly hair, her eyes. She was the one who attended to him in the small grocery.

“Thank you,” he said gently and she handed the umbrella over to him. He took it, and quickly she whirled around to go back inside. He caught a whiff of her, she didn’t wear perfume, she didn’t wear cologne, but she had a soft, natural pleasant scent to her that Daehyun seemed to have been attracted to like how he was attracted to….

He decided to take the umbrella home and bring it back sometime when he’s okay again…because then will he truly be sincere and maybe then…he can keep her memories in a memory box in his mind and let the rain remind him about the beauty of their love, instead of the pain of his loss.

***

A/N: First B.A.P fic! hope you guys liked it!!! <3 I just really love the song and it just.....I love it. so.ing.much. Daehyun is obviously my bias LMAO