Ah, so it hurt a bit. As if he was stabbed in his back. Or as if someone strangled him, in the way he couldn’t force his body to take in a breath. For one second it felt like his body refused to live on. For someone that loved his life, who was genuinely happy with it, it seemed out of character. So he forced himself to live on. No matter how hard it might be. No matter how surreal it felt.

To say the least, being Kyuhyun’s best man was something Zhou Mi never imagined to agree to. Yet when Kyuhyun asked him, with hope shining in his black eyes, Zhou Mi just couldn’t say no. So he did what he could to help him out. He couldn’t let the other down. He was his friend after all. So he smiled and agreed to the request. Like he always did.

Like when Kyuhyun asked to cover for him to their manager when he wanted that fifteen minutes to ask Sooyoung out for the first time in his life. It was sudden, but the desperation in Kyuhyun’s voice did wonders. Zhou Mi agreed without a second thought, busying the manager while asking questions about Super Junior M’s schedule. That way the manager didn’t even ask for Kyuhyun. And when the Korean appeared with his eyes shining and his lips curled up in a smile, Zhou Mi knew he did the right thing.

Too bad his heart didn’t really agree with this. It ached. Ached to the point where Zhou Mi stopped behaving normally. He stopped eating, losing his appetite. He couldn’t concentrate at work and often just stared out of his window, not thinking about anything. Always feeling tired without even doing anything – that’s how he mostly felt.

When one would think about it, it’s funny how many times he helped Kyuhyun with his relationship with Sooyoung. Kyu came to him asking for guidance – usually about fashion, so he could leave the girl smitten with his good looks – and almost always turned to him when he needed to apply make-up on his imperfect face. Zhou Mi always laughed at him, even teased, trying to persuade him to take care of his skin. But no matter what he said, Kyuhyun was deaf and just brushed of any kind of advice. Only when Sooyoung gave him some cosmetics as a present, Kyuhyun actually used them.

It broke Zhou Mi’s heart a little bit. Being the less important one hurt. Sometimes he was delusional, imaging that Kyuhyun valued him a lot more than the others. When reality hit him – and usually it hit him hard – he was left in a state of a deep depression, one that he had to keep up for himself. It’s not that he could go to a friend, relative, manager or anyone in the company and say: “Hey, I’m actually gay and I fancy Kyuhyun a little bit more than one should, well, considering I’m a male. If I can’t have him – because he doesn’t seem interested – could you think of something that will divert my attention from him? Yeah? That’s great. Please do that, I’d be grateful.” No, life wasn’t that easy. So he hid his feelings deep inside and didn’t speak with anyone about them. It wasn’t that difficult, considering he wasn’t very close with anyone. He was just an acquaintance, a buddy from work. He was usually alone, so he didn’t have to hide his feelings then. And when he did… Well, he was a good actor. They’d trained him well.

Nobody could tell that there was something going wrong with Zhou Mi. Outside his room he was always smiling, so energetic and full of life. No matter what the occasion was, he was like the embodiment of sunshine. Shining like a star. He alone sometimes thought that it was his biggest flaw. If he hadn’t been so blinding maybe Kyuhyun would look at him sometimes. Like he had at the very beginning.

If there was something that made Zhou Mi’s heart beat strongly to face a new day, it would be his memories. When Zhou Mi was still new, when he needed help, when he needed a friend – Kyuhyun, willingly, was there for him. Always by his side, making sure he felt involved. All of them were there for Zhou Mi, but for the Chinese, Kyuhyun was special. He loved translating for him, whispering into his ear. He could see how Kyuhyun was opening up. To them, to their fans, to him. It was such a wonderful transformation and Zhou Mi liked to think that it was thanks to him. Even if there were people that hated him no matter what, Kyuhyun liked him. That gave him a lot of strength back in the day and it filled him with positive energy.

But nothing lasts forever.

He knew he wasn’t loved – he probably hadn’t realized that yet – but he felt happy. He could be close to the person he liked, he could be close to him. He could sing, work and master his skills. He had so many dreams he wanted to fulfil no matter what. Kyuhyun encouraged him to do so, to fight for them. It was like each day was a true blessing, even if there were some hardships. Even if he sometimes acted like an idiot. In the end, he had people that cared for him and cheered him on. He didn’t need anything else.

Then Han Geng decided to leave and Zhou Mi’s whole world turned upside down. And the worst part was the fact that even if Kyuhyun was there for him at the beginning, the busier he got, the less important Zhou Mi was to him. There were hundreds of other things Kyuhyun would rather do than spend time with the Chinese. It wasn’t the fact that he didn’t like him. He was too busy to divide his attention. His work was his priority. Ironically, that wounded Zhou Mi more than any anti-fan could.

When it was midnight on the night between the 31 December and 1 January of 2011, Zhou Mi was alone in his room at the dorms, in front of his computer screen, wishing his fans a Happy New Year. When his mobile buzzed quietly, he smiled to himself. His friends were sending him many wishes, while fans commented back on his blog post. But before he realized how lonely he felt, because there was nobody with whom he could drink champagne, he was shocked to see the wishes from many Super Junior members on his phone screen. Ryeowook. Heechul. Sungmin. Siwon. Even Henry. He waited hours for Kyuhyun to text him. He didn’t. That’s when he understood a few things.

The most important thing, was the fact that he was single. And that it wouldn’t ever change. Because the person he loved didn’t love him back. The other was that he really, truly loved Kyuhyun. That the dreams he had about the other, the sweet ones where they just bathed in sunshine under a tree and those hot ones when they embraced in a way that lovers do, weren’t just after effects of stress and buzzling hormones. That it was true love. Something Zhou Mi had never experienced before in his life. He was gay, in love with his bandmate and it was one-sided.

So when his friends started messaging him later, asking what was the meaning behind the hateful post on his Weibo, he just laughed out loud bitterly. There was no humour behind it and yet he couldn’t stop. With that hacking incident, he had just hit the jackpot. Some people believed him. Some didn’t. Some had shown their support. Some accused him of idiocy. But what hurt the most was the fact that Kyuhyun didn’t react at all.

If Zhou Mi hadn’t already mastered the skill of hiding his face behind a smiling mask, he would just break apart each time he saw Kyuhyun’s indifferent face.

And then, as if someone used a magic wand they were back to being close. Friends even. Kyuhyun calling him to wish him a happy birthday. Texting him to ask if those damn striped patterns were still in fashion. Asking him to help with something in Chinese. Zhou Mi smiled each time and obliged. He was there for Kyuhyun, even if they were in different countries.

Usually they talked via Skype and webcams. When Kyuhyun’s webcam broke, Zhou Mi went ahead and bought one for him, happy that he would have a present to give to him when he’d be back in Korea. When he started a conversation with Kyuhyun to tell him that, he wasn’t expecting to hear from Kyuhyun the rushed confession of love.

Just not for him.

Sooyoung was such a lovely girl. So beautiful, so y. And she was a very good match for Kyuhyun, even the people at the company agreed to that. Kyuhyun would be manly around her, a very nice change from the usually fragile image he sometimes had. Together they were called the SM’s cute couple. Her smiles were less faked when around Kyu. And his eyes were shining in amusement and love each time he looked at her. They were the media’s favorites. Going to shows together, caught in public on holding hands…

And before Zhou Mi could get used to the thought that Kyuhyun loves someone, a woman, the Korean was asking him for an advice. On rings. On proposals. On romance. And Zhou Mi, being the good friend he was, smiled at Kui Xian and took him shopping. They visited every possible jewelry shop, looked at every ring Zhou Mi pointed out. In the end, Kyuhyun noticed a small shop Zhou Mi missed and the first ring his eyes fell upon on was the perfect one.

Mi had never ever felt as useless in his life.

As Kyuhyun was admiring the gemstones sparkling under the light, Zhou Mi faked that he got a phone call and in a rush left him there. When he looked back through the shop’s window he could see Kyuhyun was laughing as he handed the credit card to the clerk. The Korean barely noticed that Zhou Mi was gone.

So the Chinese did what he should have done a long time ago. He started crying. With his hat, scarf and sunglasses covering his face, he felt safe enough to just let his feelings out. On the train, nobody paid attention to him. When he reached the dorms, he headed straight to his room, not bothering to turn on the lights. He went to bed in his clothes, not caring if he would wrinkle them. Why should it matter, when he was losing the most precious thing to him?

And to make matters worse, he didn’t own it in the first place. He even didn’t have the right to feel as heartbroken as he did. Kyuhyun wasn’t cruel. He just wasn’t aware of Zhou Mi’s feelings. He was dense and oblivious at times. And he actually went through the trouble to make Zhou Mi feel involved. Like a good friend would. That was the only way he could see Zhou Mi. As a friend.

It was Heechul who told him. That Sooyoung had said yes. They were still close, even though so many years passed. They were no longer young boys from a boyband. Heechul alone was a father of two. Zhou Mi wondered how soon Kyuhyun would become one as well. Such thoughts made him hate himself a bit. What good would come from saddening himself with such depressing feelings? He hoped for a catharsis, so he could finally move on.

Being in unrequited love for several years was tiresome.

Kyuhyun was smiling so shyly, it was almost endearing to him. He wanted to reach for him, hug him. He would congratulate him and maybe even kiss his cheek or forehead. He was afraid to do so. That the body contact would make him cry. That he would beg Kyuhyun to think it over, to reconsider it. That he might force a kiss on those pink lips. Dry as always. Chapped even, because Kyuhyun never used Chap Stick. Only if he met up with Sooyoungie.

Zhou Mi just smiled, encouraging Kyuhyun to speak. And listened carefully. Doubting his Korean for a second, confusion shining in his eyes. So Kyuhyun explained in Chinese then. That he needed Zhou Mi beside him at the most important event of his life. His wedding. Even if Zhou Mi wanted to scream, hit him and cry, he did neither. But he didn’t smile either. He just nodded and before Kyuhyun could ponder about his expressionless face, he threw himself on the Chinese, laughing and thanking him. Only then Zhou Mi smiled and confirmed his agreement verbally, making Kyuhyun even happier. They both laughed while they hugged.

And Zhou Mi kept smiling even when Kyuhyun left him alone. And he was still smiling when countless tears rolled down his cheeks. He promised himself that it would be the last time he’d cry over Kyuhyun. Because the sun can’t always be clouded over.

A camera in his hand, he recorded the whole event. Smiling as the pair exchanged the rings, cheering with the rest of the guests as they kissed. Congratulating both of them and kissing Sooyoungie on her cheek, complimenting her beautiful looks. She was truly shining with happiness. And so was Kyuhyun, his eyes almost misted with tears before they took photos. At the reception, Zhou Mi’s eyes and the camera followed Kyuhyun’s every move. He didn’t care if anyone would notice. Or if someone would ask him what he was recording.

He didn’t stop filming even when Henry sat beside him and looked at the preview. They had drifted apart recently but still felt close considering the hell they both had gone through. Maybe that was why Henry asked him the question. And maybe that’s why Zhou Mi replied to him truthfully. And Henry actually understood and didn’t judge him, just squeezed his shoulder in a reassuring way. There was nothing else he could do for him.

“Tell me. Do you love her?”

“No. No way… It’s him.”

Kyuhyun never learned that.

~~*~~

On the night Sooyoung with her first child, a cute baby girl, got back home from hospital, Kyuhyun felt relieved to have his two girls back at his side. He nuzzled his wife’s neck as she scooted close to him, the baby sound asleep in a crib near their bed. As safe as she could be.

“I missed my girls…” Kyuhyun muttered planting a soft kiss on Sooyoung’s neck.

“You won’t fool me, I know you wanted a boy,” she sighed blissfully at the warmth of her husband’s arms.

They stayed in silence for a few more seconds before Kyuhyun chuckled quietly.

“What is it?” She asked before yawning loudly.

“Oh, it’s just a thought…” Kyuhyun kissed her on her cheek, before continuing. “Don’t freak out. At some point of time, I kind of thought I really like boys.”

“…you thought you like boys?” Sooyoung rolled her eyes at him. “Well, that’s a new one.”

“It were probably just my hormones going crazy, but I really was scared that I’m gay. Well bi. Considering that I later fell in love with you.”

“So before me you loved a man?”

“I still don’t know if it was love,” Kyuhyun sighed, “I guess it doesn’t matter now. Back then I just forced myself to move on and not to give in to that feeling. Later I started to have feelings for you so I guess it was just temporary.”

“So, who was the lucky guy? Don’t tell me it was Sungmin, or I will laugh at you until the day you will die…”

“It was Zhou Mi.”

“Ah…” Sooyoung smiled sadly, but Kyuhyun couldn’t see it in the darkness. “Good thing he didn’t love you back, or I wouldn’t end up with you,” she half-joked.

“Yeah, good thing he didn’t,” he whispered, closing his eyes, the sleep taking over him, “or I wouldn’t be blessed with two beautiful girls.”

Sooyoung waited for her husband’s breath to deepen before she curled against him, a wave of sympathy taking over her for a moment when an image of Zhou Mi’s fake smile flashed through her mind. It took some time for her to calm down. After all she wouldn’t be with Kyuhyun if they both realized they loved each other back then. Kyuhyun was now a father. So it was all in the past…

Hopefully Zhou Mi would never learn the truth or it might kill him.

“I’m sorry, Zhou Mi…” she whispered before sleep took over for her as well.