Her suicide note was a tiny slip of paper, ripped out from a notebook. There was a single drawing on it, a burning feather, colors so vibrant that one could really smell the smoke and watch the flicker of the flames, from red, to blue, to green, to red again.

“You loved her too, right?” Kris’ voice sounds broken, and he doesn’t dare to look at the younger boy next to him. They’re standing alone at the freshly filled up grave, the other guests long gone to mourn in nicer company, or in one case to just continue drinking.

They haven’t been able to prevent the monster from coming to his own daughter’s funeral and only the fact that Tao is crying too much to properly walk a straight line, let alone punch the source of all her pain and their grief to death, keeps another disaster from happening.

“I... Yes, I do... I did...” Tao’s words are barely audible for him to hear, but for Kris it’s enough and he takes a step back to finally leave his spot in the cold.

“But... I love you too....”
He turns just in time to see something flash in Tao’s eyes and for the first time since they found her, Kris allows himself to cry.

What no one dares to say, not yet, not just after that disturbing, busy week since she left, is that maybe she also did it because of them.

When years have passed and that bush growing on her grave blooms for the first time with small flowers that look a little bit like flickering flames, maybe then one of them will have the guts to speak it out loud.

“She did it because of us, you know?” Kris says. “So that we both can be happy. She maybe had chosen me, but she loved us both. Just not the same way. She always knew what was best for us...”

“No!” Tao chokes out, whole body trembling.
“No...” he says, softer. “She didn’t always know what was best... Or else she would still be with us. I think together we could have made it work, you know? The three of us, together...”
It is quiet for a while, just Tao’s small sobs are heard, and the lonely singing of a bird in the distance.

“Maybe...” Kris says, and pulls the slightly smaller one into his arms.
But they can’t change the past, and the only thing left for him is to kiss those tears away when they’re back home, lying in the dark. Maybe they can heal like this. At least they still have each other.

A few weeks after the funeral they sit on shining metal chairs at a tattoo studio.

“So that thing for both of you, at the same place, yeah? What’s this? Some new kind of gang sign?” The forced laughter of the tattoo artist breaks through the shop. Kris’ brows furrow down to a dangerous looking stare and he s the copy of a small picture of a burning feather back into the slightly stained hands.
“No. Just a memory. Now can we get started with this already?”

“One day, I’m going to burst into flames! Just BOOM!” She waves her hands in an imitation of flames, or just big messy explosions, her frisky laughter ringing in the warm summer air.

“Yeah, it sure is warm enough for that.” Kris says and tries to shift more into the shadow.
They’re lying in the grass, all three of them, half covered by a tree, blinking up at the cloudless sky.

“No no, I mean it for real!” She says, voice still full of giggles. “One day I’m just going to burst into flames, and burn and die and then I’m going to be reborn from the ashes, just like a phoenix! And then everything will be good.”

The last part is said a little bit quieter and Tao playfully slaps her arm. “You’re so silly! Come, let’s go get some ice cream before you really start to catch fire. The sun is probably already melting your brain away. Or... what little there is left.” He manages to roll out of the way just before she lands a punch on him and suddenly Kris is left alone to stare at their backs when they start chasing each other in the direction of the next ice cream stand.

His brows furrow slightly and maybe years after that beautiful summer day, after life got more complicated because suddenly there where all those emotions that he couldn’t quite handle, after she finally caved into her depression and set herself on fire, and after they buried what little was left, maybe then he will remember that her dream wasn’t just to burn, but to be reborn from her own ashes, just like a phoenix.

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critic would be nice, thank you for reading.