Hello, you guys.

So today I have decided to share my testimony with you.  This is my first time doing this, and online.  Again, some of you may be thinking, “Hun, this isn't the best website to post that stuff on.  Do it somewhere else”.  But the thing is — you never know who needs to hear your story, and probably it's here where that someone is.

If you're rolling your eyes right now because you think that what I'm writing is baloney or whatnot, then you are allowed to click away.  It will not be counted against you, but note that you are still going to be in my prayers.

But for those of you who are willing to listen — let's begin.

My real name is Roviejuhannah Grace.  Grace is part of my name because, as my parents have told me multiple times, they prayed very very very hard for me.  They prayed very hard and very much to have a baby girl, and they did, and so I am God's grace to them.

Which means that I have been a Christian all my life.  “Well, Juhannah, that's really sort of useless.  You've been a Christian your whole life; why does that mean anything?”  I thought of that, too, to be honest.  Why am I worthy to tell you my story if I wasn't some sort of 'special occasion'?  Like a converted atheist?  Or someone who heard the Gospel through a missionary?  Why would I, a person who has always been a believer, recall to you a non-special-sounding story?

Because, no matter how long you have been a Christian, it does not mean that you are exempted from life's troubles.  And I've had my fair share.  And because of that fair share I am confident that my story, though non-special, will mean something.  Maybe not to you, maybe not even to me, but it will mean something to God.

When I was little, just a naïve little girl plucking daisies from the ground, I thought that being a Christian was better than anything else.  Even better than being a Catholic.  It was something that I was very proud of.  I didn't brag about it verbally; I didn't go around town going “HAHA I'M BETTER THAN YOU BECAUSE I'M A CHRISTIAN”.  But as a kid, I was a very judging person.  Like if you weren't Christian, I would literally think to myself Why.  Everybody should be Christian.  It's the best thing in the world ever.

Forgive my younger self.  I didn't realize I had faith the size of a grain of rice then.

So anyway, my youth was a good youth.  I believed in God (and I still do), I had (and have) Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, and I had (and have) the Holy Spirit guiding me in every way possible.

But like I said, no matter how long you've been a believer, it doesn't mean you won't feel pain.  And I did.

I fell into depression when I was 11 years old.

At that point in my life, I was sort of repeating to myself I am tired.  I am so tired.  This world is rotten.  There is nothing good to live for.  What am I even doing here.  I am useless.  I am tired.  I am so tired.  This mantra resonated in my head, and eventually turned into suicidal thoughts (as if it already wasn't).  I'm positive that if I had persevered in reading the Word of God and going to church, I wouldn't even let these things happen and go out of control like this.  But I had stopped reading the Bible and I had stopped going to church.  The scary thing was that in every single room I went into, sharp things would catch my eye.  May it be knives, forks, razors — if it's sharp, it's attractive.  And I was so, very, very close to doing it.

You might be thinking or saying to yourself, “Juhannah, if you were a Christian, why did you have these thoughts?”  Answer: satan is a convincing deceiver.  And he was so close to pushing me to my edge, to just end everything.  After all, I had no use.  Why not just... do it?

But I didn't.  And here's where my story is first special.

One day, as I sat in my room basking myself in these dark thoughts, I shook my head.  I'm being stupid.  Don't think about these things.  I'm useless.  No, I'm not.  I have nothing to live for.  No one loves me.  I don't want to disappoint my parents.  I'm tired, I'm exhausted.  Suicide is a sin.  This life has no meaning.  God gave this life to me.

My story is (first) special because: I picked up the Bible before I picked up the razor.

Later that week, my dad called us (since my mom and I were living in California and he in Texas) and he asked me how I was doing.  I didn't tell him my thoughts of killing myself.  I told him I was fine, and that I would start reading the Bible and going to church again.

When my mother and I moved to Texas that very same year to live with my dad, and we started attending a Baptist church that my dad was attending, I learned that I had so much more to learn about God.  That my idea of Him, my idea of Christianity, was merely... an idea.  And so, as I attended church (and I still do) and went on and off reading the Bible, I slowly grew in my faith.

Fast forward to... about now.

Our pastor has talked to us about the world and its temptations, its deceiving words both against and about God, and the fact that we believers must always be on guard.  Even though we are believers, even though we've got God backing us up, even though we are already saved, we must always be careful.

I wasn't.  Even though I was and am a Christian already and even though I believe in God and even though I am saved and I am also a CEF teacher, I was not careful nor was I prepared.  And here you can laugh at me, because I just did.

You know, the Internet is a wonderful place.  Unfortunately, it is also a place that the devil can use to attack God's children.  I was one of those that were attacked.

I officially don't read YouTube comments anymore.  Or, at least, I try not to.  Because it was those same YouTube comments that caused me to waver in my faith.

These comments made me question my faith.  They made me question God.  They made me question His existence.

They made me... doubt.

It was a hard blow.  To be fully convinced that you are protected, that you are safe from the world's evils, and then be attacked and made question your faith like that — oh, man.  I couldn't- I didn't know what was going on.  It was like building this beautiful sandcastle and putting all sorts of protection around it then someone comes and ravages it like it's no big deal and you're just sort of left standing there like What.  Just.  Happened.

What I did next, and what makes my story last special, is the most logical move: I prayed.

I prayed for guidance.  I told my God straight up I don't know what to do.  I don't know what to believe.  I feel like my life and everything I believe in just came crashing down on and around me and I don't know just please help me please I need You right now I don't want to fall out of my faith I can't live without You.

Needless to say, I cried while I was praying.  Laugh at me if you want but I just... It's the realest definition of feels overload I have ever encountered personally.

Now the attacks didn't stop there.  They continued, and I had to pray a second time (I cried this time as well.  That's important information).

And it was this time that I made a move.  While God worked, I also worked.  I thought If I'm being attacked, the best way to do to shield myself is to be equipped.  And so I equipped myself: I prayed regularly.  I went to church and NOT ONLY did I go to church but I also took the sermons seriously.  I took on my post at church as worship singer and worship coordinator (Fancy term for 'running the Powerpoint at the back').  I read God's Not Dead: Evidence for God In An Age of Uncertainty by author and pastor Rice Broocks (Wonderful read).  I started doing devotionals every day thanks to Our Daily Bread and Not Of This World (though they only post once a week every Thursday; also I sort of don't use it anymore, hahah, but I do like their merch).  I started to read the Bible.  I'm reading the book of Job because that man went through more than what I'm going through.

And slowly, but surely, I was beginning to receive answers to my questions.  And in my doubt, I grew closer to God.  As it says in Matthew 7:7, “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.”  I used my doubts as a tool to know more about God, to learn more about how He works in people's lives and in my life.  I asked, and it was given to me.  I seeked and I found.  I knocked and the door was opened so so so widely.

Recently, I opened up a new blog on Tumblr which is uhannahr.tumblr.com.  My plan was to have that blog be a vintage blog, like a nature/vintage/vertical nature blog.  Sort of hipster-like.  But, a lot of times, my plan is not God's plan.

His plan was to turn that blog into both a vintage-y nature blog AND a blog where I profess to the world that I am His child.  That I believe in Him.  And, as usual, His plan is much better than mine.

It turned out that a lot of the vintage-y nature blog I ended up following were also believers in Christ so that nudged me into following even more of those bloggers.  I came across bloggers who have also gone through the same thing as me, bloggers who were once non-believers now turned certified believers (and a pastor), and like me they are also on this journey with God and nothing is more satisfying that finding people whose situations are similar to yours.

Because that means you can share.  You can learn from them.  You can ask them questions.

And that you are not alone.

My testimony is powerful because God reminded me of His love for me before I even made the slightest move to end my life.  He reminded me of His love that knows no bounds.  He reminded me that I was fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14), that killing myself was in no way a good way (it is murder, after all), and that I have a purpose.  And I don't want to waste that purpose.  I do not want to leave it unfulfilled.

My testimony is powerful because even though I already believe and I'm already saved, I was still tempted.  And it goes to show that I am not perfect.  Yet God loves me and enough that He sent His own Son to die for me (1 John 4:10), and that even when I doubted I was reminded of His promise and when I seeked I found Him.

Life is not bad, but it is not that great either.  But I know that with God, no matter what I go through, I will always be safe, I will be alright, and I am loved.

And that is something I want you to experience, too.  If you somehow want to accept Jesus as your Savior, know that He WILL work on your life.  He will see to it that you are made to His liking.  Understand that He will work on you and even if it hurts you so much and you just can't do it anymore He will continute to work on you until you are the beautiful work He wants you to be.

If you're not ready yet, and you want to think about it for some time, please do.  It is not too late to be saved, at least not yet.

But if you are ready, here is a simple prayer you can say in your heart.  Remember that saying this prayer or any other prayer alone cannot save you; only Jesus can do that.  But if you really are ready and you want this, say this quietly in your heart:

Dear Jesus, I know that I have sinned.  I admit that I have sinned.  I believe that You died on the cross to rinse me of those sins.  I now choose You as my Lord and Savior.  Help me to grow in my faith in You from this day onward.  In Jesus's name, Amen.

If you've got questions or anything, you can message me on my Tumblr at uhannahr.  You can ask me anonymously, there is that option always.  If you just want to talk to me, message me there too.  Thank you so much for taking time out of your schedule to listen to me, and I pray that you, whether you've accepted or not, will have a wonderful day.  God bless.

My next post is 'Today is Messed-Up: Misconceptions About Christians (And I Have Questions For My Fellow Believers)'.  And that will come right up... tomorrow.  8)