A/N: What the heck, this story still turned out to be a one-shot in the end. /feels kind of stupid/ I am such a terrible person. Why don't my stories ever turn out as planned?! GAH. SO IRRITATING. Dumb hellobabyyoucalled is dumb.

Another thing, I actually wrote this in sort-of like a diary entry kind of thing with dates and all, based on Jae Joong's point of view. If you're confused, don't be. It would be much clearer to understand once you start reading. I think. Now that I think about it, I'm not really sure about this. It's just so fragmented and psh. Is it too late to back out now? >.<

Oh well, here's the story you all have been (hopefully) waiting for. Enjoy and don't forget to comment when you're done reading! :)

Word Count: 4253 words

- - - - - - -

November 28^th, 2012

It was late, and I had just ended my extra-curricular activities for the day. Being the president of the Student Council was tiring, but it had its perks. Because I was in charge of locking up the entire school at the end of the day, I could also take my time to head over to my homeroom and pick up whatever materials I’d forgotten under my desk, just like I was today.

Unfortunately, being Student Council president did not entitle me the rights to change the allocation of the classrooms, and here I was grumbling as I dragged my fatigue-ridden legs up the stairs to the fourth floor where my classroom was located.

The deserted hallway was eerily silent safe for the echoing of my footsteps as I marched into my classroom. Shadows lurked in light-forbidden corners of the large rectangular box. The darkness of the night had already started to settle in, and a sudden gust of cold air blew worksheets and leaflets off the teacher’s table and onto the ground. I quickly grabbed my lesson notes from under my desk and hurried out of the forbidding place.

Years ago, in this very building, there had been cases of students committing suicide in the school, and that their spirits can still be seen wandering around this level where they had jumped off the old building, blending in with the deafening silence as their silhouettes disappear off into the darkness. But I, for one, definitely did not want to verify whether the rumours were true or not.

Another gust of wind blew the papers from my hand, and carried it along with the wind. I knew I couldn’t lose them. I had a graded class test on exactly these chapters the day after next. Seeing my notes get blown further away from me, I screeched and clambered over the safety railings to grab them in vain. A slight tip, and I was over the edge.

It’s funny how humans are. We never realise how important people are in your life when you’re about to, or already have, lost them. In the few seconds I spent falling, I knew that I was going to die. I knew that I would never see my family or friends ever again, and I knew that I still have so many things unspoken. All the overdue apologies and acts of gratitude I owed to my loved ones rushed to me all at once.

The feeling was terrifying.

I didn’t want to die. I still haven’t made up with Yunho for fighting with him over basketball practice this morning. I don’t want to go without telling him that I loved him for the final time. Memories, both pleasant and bad, of the times we’d spent together flashed across my mind and tears welled up in my tightly shut eyes. It was too late now, but still I was going to leave this world with regrets embedded in my heart.

I landed head-first on the concrete ground with a sickening thud four floors down. By the time the school cleaners found me the next day, my body had become icily cold and lifeless. The police was called, the ambulance came, but everyone knew the effort was futile. I suffered multiple fractures in my limbs and skull and I died on the spot. My death was quickly ruled an accident and the case was dismissed.

The turnout at my funeral was more than I’d expected. Scanning over the occupied pews, I saw that friends and family and even students from school had come. Some were people I’d met in Student Council, and the others were Yunho’s teammates from basketball. There were even others whom I didn’t even recognise. I saw my circle of close friends gathered around my hysterical parents, consoling them even though they didn’t appear any better off.

My eyes landed on the familiar looking solitary figure standing in front of my coffin. Yunho! I drifted over just in time to see him run his long fingers over the glass above my pale face. His neck was bent, but his broad, muscular shoulders were shaking. When his head lifted, I saw the terrible condition he was in and it broke my heart.

Yunho’s eyes were red-rimmed but dark circled. Faint tear tracks could be seen running down his cheeks. His cheeks were sunken and hollow, and his skin was gangly. I could tell that he hadn’t been sleeping well, if at all, for the past two days since my death, and I couldn’t help but feel extremely guilty. Here I was, happily gallivanting in my afterlife, yet for those around me…

His shoulders heaved with effort as he calmed himself enough to speak. “Jae… I… I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have quarrelled with you that morning. It had been our second anniversary, yet I wanted to cancel our plans because of basketball practice. Of course it was understandable that you would get angry. I shouldn’t have gotten upset and left in a huff without seeing things from your point of view.”

“It seems that basketball practice has always been the sole reason for our fights. Yet, after every time we had an argument, you would be the one to approach me and apologise first even though I am at fault. But this time, I don’t even have the chance to make it up to you anymore.” Yunho lifted his hand from the glass to harshly wipe away a fresh batch of tears that managed to escape down his cheeks. “I… I know you must hate me a lot now, and I detest myself even more. I swear I’ll never touch a basketball ever again for the rest of my life.”

I reached my hand up to touch his face, but my hand went straight through his body, and I realised that I couldn’t be seen, I couldn’t be heard, and I couldn’t be touched. In the same way, no one could feel me or my presence. I was… alone.

I trailed behind Yunho to school the next day. He looked visibly weakened, because of me, and I felt my heart squeeze again. Yunho was restless and distracted throughout the whole day, and stared out of the classroom window overlooking the basketball court all the time. He must be thinking of his promise he made at my funeral, about not playing basketball ever again for the rest of his life.

I knew deep inside that no matter what, Yunho must never give up basketball for whatever reason, not even me. Basketball was his life, the reason for his existence. His passion and talent for the ball game was extraordinary, and to give it all up was just too much for anyone to ask for.

As his boyfriend, or rather, ex-boyfriend, the more I should prevent him from making that huge mistake, but how am I to do so? He can’t hear nor touch me; how am I supposed to let him know the graveness of this foolish vow?

February 8^th, 2013

Yunho’s 18^th birthday came in a blink of an eye. He loved celebrating birthdays, except that this year, I won’t be there to spend the special occasion with him. It was the first time in the five years we’ve met that we would be apart on this day.

Being the celebrity of the school, his friends had thrown a party for him as usual. It was really rowdy, with lots of loud music and crazy games. Laughter and cheer could be heard from every corner.

I stayed next to Yunho as he stood at the door to welcome his party guests. Even after everyone has arrived, he kept frowning and flipping through his invitations list, as though someone was still missing. Oh, right. Me.

“Hey, guys. Did you miss out someone from the list? Cause I keep having this feeling that you did...” He signalled for his pals to come over.

“Are you sure about that? But everyone we know is already on that list, and present at the party. Who else can it be?” Yoo Chun, Yunho’s basketball teammate and one of our closest buddies, walked over to where Yunho was.

“... Oh my gosh, I think you missed out Jae Joong…”

“Jae Joong?” Yoo Chun echoed before casting a wary glance to the rest of the basketball team. They shrugged and looked away, avoiding Yunho’s prying gaze. Yoo Chun turned back to face Yunho and cleared his throat uncomfortably. “Uhm... Yunho, Jae Joong’s like, you know, he’s gone, remember? The, uh, accident in school last year…?”

“Oh... Oh. Right. Sorry… My bad…”

It put a damper to the celebratory mood, and for the rest of the party, it was visibly clear that Yunho was completely out of it. He might be physically present, but his mind was miles away in places unknown.

September 26^th, 2013

Days went by, yet Yunho still goes around with a dark cloud looming over his head. He had all but stopped talking all together, and no one, not even Yoo Chun, could get to him. That evening after school, Yunho had skipped basketball practice as usual, but instead of heading home, he had gone in the direction of the café at downtown where Shim Chang Min worked.

Chang Min was from my school, and worked part-time at the café during evenings and weekends for extra cash. He was average; average grades, average looks, average popularity, and nothing about him stood out. I’d only noticed him because of the 4^th period Math class Yunho and I used to share with him. That, and the fact that Chang Min has a world-renown crush on my boyfriend.

Yunho pushed open the heavy glass door and entered the air-conditioned café. He slunk into one of the highchairs lined in front of the counter, dumped his schoolbag against the stool’s legs and just sat there, staring down at the bar top silently, totally immersed in his own world.

Chang Min sidled over and rested his elbows on the wooden counter in front of Yunho, making a special effort to lean over the counter top. “Hey Yunho… Are you okay? You seem a bit spaced… Sorry if it offends you, but do… Don’t you think you worry about Jae Joong a little too much?”

Yunho finally looked up and smiled humourlessly after a pregnant pause. “I can’t really help it, can I? I just can’t forgive myself. You know, over his death and all. I had been the root cause of all of it. You don’t understand.”

“Maybe I don’t, but whatever it is… Just, don’t be too harsh on yourself, alright? If Jae Joong was here, he wouldn’t want to see you beating yourself up like this either.” As much as Chang Min’s argument may have sounded logical before, all of the levelheadedness in me evaporated when Chang Min laid a hand on Yunho’s arm. I couldn’t do anything about it. I could only will that Yunho would do what I wanted to do to Chang Min in my place.

Yunho retracted his arms out of Chang Min’s reach at once, as though his touch was fire that burned. “It is. You really don’t understand. Just… I don’t mean to be rude, but can you leave me be for a while? I need time to myself.”

“No problem, I… I understand. But, I just want you to know that even though we weren’t close in the past, I hope that you’ll be able to find a friend in me. You don’t have to go through this alone. That’s… That’s all. Uh, I’ll leave you to yourself now.”

Chang Min grabbed a rag and rounded the corner to go clear a table. I made sure to send my meanest glare at him when he scurried past me before settling down on the stool next to Yunho. He didn’t look any less fatigued than ten months ago. If anything, he only seemed more worn. I watched helplessly as he stirred his drink lifelessly, wishing that I could wind back time and prevented my death, knowing it was all futile. I was nothing but an overdue burden in Yunho’s life.

November 23^rd, 2013

Five days before the first anniversary of my death had me realising how fast time flew. Three hundred and sixty days had gone by in a flash. It was a full year of the seventy, eighty years Yunho had of his life, and he had spent it mourning my loss.

Recently, I’ve discovered that Yunho and Chang Min have become rather close friends. Everyday after school, Yunho would drop by Chang Min’s café to keep him company while he worked, and would only leave after Chang Min was done with his shift. I knew that Yunho was a warm and friendly person by nature, but something just didn’t feel right. I can’t quite put my finger on it yet, but I’m sure I can, soon.

With the days leading up to my death anniversary, I wondered if anyone would even remember who I was, much less realise that the date of my death was approaching. My worries were put to rest when I saw that Yunho went to visit my grave even before the big day had arrived.

Like the loving boyfriend that he was, Yunho sat down in front of my tombstone and, using his shirt sleeve, wiped my smiling picture clean.

“Jae… I miss you so, so much… Almost a year has passed already since you… since you…” Yunho petered off, wrecking broken sobs like a baby. “I wish you’re here now… I really need you.”

“Oh… Yunho…” Tears brimmed in my eyes and I allowed them to spill over. It didn’t take much effort to reduce me into a crying mess. “I am with you all the time, yet he doesn’t know. I am still beside you, supporting you in everything that you do, like what I’ve done before, and will always do.”

February 8^th, 2014

It was Yunho’s birthday again. As it was a school day, he told his buddies not to throw a party for him this year. Instead, he chose not to celebrate it at all. After school, Yunho stayed back to shoot some hoops with his friends. After practice, all his pals left first, and he was the only one left at the basketball court.

Out of nowhere, Chang Min appeared with a big plastic bag in his hand, and sidled up to Yunho’s side shyly. “Hey, Yunho…”

“Oh, hey, Chang Min.” Yunho looked up after taking a swig from his water bottle. “What brings you here?”

“Oh. I hear that it’s your birthday today, so I got…” Chang Min pulled a Nike shoe box from the plastic carrier and prised open the lid clumsily. “…These for you. I heard you talking about getting new shoes the other day, so I decided to jump the gun and buy some for your birthday. I’m not really sure if it’s to your taste or not, so if you don’t like it just let me know. I’ll pass you the receipt so you can trade it for something else. Uhm… Happy birthday!”

They were a pair of black and gold high-tops which I recognised immediately to be a pair of limited edition Air Dunks. Yunho had been talking about them a year ago prior to their release, praising how the new air cushion technology was “every basketballer’s dream”. I had dismissed the conversation as small talk then, but judging from Yunho’s expression now, I wished I had been the one to gift him with the shoes.

“Oh my gosh, wow… They’re… They’re perfect, Chang Min. I’d been thinking of getting them for the longest time now. How did you even know I wanted them? Gosh… I… I don’t even know what to say but thank you.” Yunho gushed as he gazed at the pair of shoes in his hands with adoration. “Thank you so much, Chang Min ah. It’s really thoughtful of you. You... you really didn’t have to do all this for me.”

Chang Min blushed. “It’s okay, actually. That’s what friends are for! I am your friend, aren’t I?”

“Thank you, Chang Min. Thank you for being my friend.”

Yunho had once told me that I was his ray of sunshine, the reason why he smiled genuinely. The day I’d accepted his confession had been the happiest day of his life. What he hadn’t anticipated was that I would also be the one selfishly taking away the smile from his face. Fifteen months on, Chang Min was the reason why Yunho was smiling genuinely again.

February 18^th, 2014

It was Chang Min’s birthday today. As a mini celebration before Chang Min began work, Yunho brought a huge life-size teddy bear to the café. Creeping up behind Chang Min, Yunho surprised him with a tap on his shoulder before presenting the bear with a flourish. “Hey, Chang Min, happy 18^th birthday!”

“You actually remembered my birthday?” Chang Min’s eyes shone and he threw his arms around Yunho for a quick hug, knocking the teddy bear from Yunho’s hands and onto the ground. “I thought you’d forget!”

Yunho looked fittingly embarrassed as he rubbed the back of his nape and picked up the toy from the ground again, passing it to Chang Min. “Of course not! Friends don’t forget each others’ birthdays!”

“Right, of course. Haha. I mean, that’s what friends are for, yeah?” Chang Min’s face fell as he accepted the gift. “I… I’d better go clear the tables. I wouldn’t want to be fired.

He left Yunho rooted to the spot awkwardly and went over to a vacated table, collecting the empty dishes in a tray. When he returned with a rag in his hand to wipe the table clean, I saw a single teardrop fall onto the tabletop. Chang Min wiped it away before anyone could see.

They still went home together after that incident. However, Yunho’s attitude has changed. Before, when I just died, he was always alone and locked everyone out of his life, choosing to keep everything to himself. Now, he seemed to be back to normal and socialising again. He even began attending basketball practices again occasionally. It was clear to everyone but himself that Yunho was making progress… moving on.

March 23^rd, 2014

Yunho was seated in his usual seat drinking a double-shot espresso, when Chang Min came up with a huge glass jar filled with stars clutched tightly in his hands. He set the jar on the counter top and slid into the barstool beside Yunho. Yunho eyed the bottle before raising his eyebrow at Chang Min quizzically. “Hey, Chang Min ah, what’s this?”

“This?” Chang Min cocked his head towards the glass jar. “This is the solution for your problems. It’s a ‘Heaven’s Letterbox’, something I’d found off the internet. We’re having our customers write notes of encouragement or any feedback for the café on strips of paper and fold them into stars.”

“The original Heaven’s Letterbox works in a similar way. If you have a deceased loved one, all you have to do is to write a little note on the strips of paper, fold a thousand stars out of them, burn them and the loved one will receive the message. It is often used for saying goodbye to the person, or to reassure him or her that everything is okay.”

Yunho nodded eagerly, his eyes suddenly lit up. Without uttering a word, he picked up his school bag and dashed out of the café. I trailed after him and saw that he was headed for the stationery shop. Ignoring the incredulous looks from the shopkeeper, he bought a whole box of the paper strips, more than sufficient to fold the thousand stars, and headed home eagerly.

That night, he stayed up late into the night folding the stars. The first few weren’t very successful; either they didn’t puff up the right way, or they didn’t come out looking star-shaped at all, but he soon got the hang of it. By the end of the night, Yunho had almost filled the whole jar when he finally went to bed.

I couldn’t help but feel touched by Yunho’s commitment. The closeness he had with Chang Min had made me uneasy, but this clearly showed that he still loved me and missed me. It gave me all the reassurance I needed.

July 31^st, 2014

It was raining today when Chang Min ended work. Yunho was waiting for him as usual on his bar stool, a warm smile on his face and a foldable umbrella dripping with water clutched in his hand. “Uhm, can you shelter me home, Yunho? I forgot my umbrella.”

“Sure.” Yunho and Chang Min squeezed their tall frames under the small black umbrella and stepped out from the café’s sheltered porch together. When the rain grew heavier on the left side, Yunho would wrap his arms around Chang Min’s shoulders and pull him closer, and when the rain splashed more strongly on the right, Chang Min would clutch Yunho’s arm and press himself to the other’s side.

Watching them go from the back made me feel a pang in my heart. They hadn’t looked terrible together like I’d so insisted before. On the contrary, they looked like they were meant for each other.

The walk to the latter’s house was silent, but comfortably silent. Yunho and Chang Min ducked into the sheltered stairway to Chang Min’s apartment building, laughing and joking around as they attempted to dry each other off unsuccessfully. Chang Min shuffled closer to Yunho to make himself heard as a loud clap of thunder rang in the neighbourhood. “Thank you, Yunho. I really appreciate you walking me back. I must have been a real burden to you.”

“Hey, don’t sweat it! That’s what buddies are for, right? You can count on me to always be there for you!” Yunho brushed away the wet fringe that was sticking to his forehead and chuckled. “You know, just like Bruno Mars’ song, ‘You can count on me like one, two, three, I’ll be there…’”

Instead of responding like expected, Chang Min fell silent, making the atmosphere uncomfortable and awkward. “Is that what we are? After all the time we’ve spent and all the things we’ve done together, we’re still just friends?”

“You know very well that I can’t do this, Chang Min.” Yunho’s eyes darted from side to side as he avoided the piercing gaze on him, which only made certain that his feelings were not that simple. “I can’t fall in love with someone else. If I did, I would have really forgotten Jae Joong, and I can’t. This wouldn’t be fair to him. I owe him too much.”

“Just because something good ends doesn’t mean something better wouldn’t begin, Yunho yah. I know you’re still hurting, but I hope that you would understand what that means someday.” Chang Min dug out his keys from his messenger bag and unlocked his front gate. His hand paused midway to the handle as he turned around to face Yunho again. “And call me despicable if you wish, but I actually brought my umbrella with me today. I’d only wanted to take advantage of the rain to do this and judge your reaction. I guess I understand now.”

Chang Min went in without another word.

After sending Chang Min home, Yunho took the jar of folded stars to my grave, whilst there was still a trace of daylight left. He sat down, pulled out a box of matchsticks and lit a small bonfire fuelled by dead twigs and leaves lying around. When the fire grew to a substantial size, he poured all the stars into the bonfire in one swift action. “Jae, so many things have changed since you’ve been gone...”

He sat in a trance and watched as the coloured paper shrink with the heat and slowly turn into charred remains. There was no movement on his face, save from the reflection from the orange flames that danced in his lifeless black eyes. “Heck, you know what? I think I have, too.”

At that moment, I finally understood. Yunho had fallen in love with Chang Min.

Tonight the rain was heavy; just the right setting and mood for a separation. Ours. Raindrops, like bullets, pelted the window pane mercilessly as the wind howled outside. I sat on Yunho’s bed, watching him in deep slumber. It had always been one of my favourite pastimes when I was alive. Be it in school or when we stayed over at each other’s houses, I always waited for Yunho to fall asleep first before doing so myself. It was only during sleep that Yunho didn’t exude his masculine charm but looked sweet and innocent like someone to be protected.

I kissed his forehead, and whispered softly at his ear, “Yunho yah, I’ve received your message. I’m fine; you don’t have to worry about me any longer. It’s time to follow your heart and do what’s right. I know that you love Chang Min now, and I don’t blame you for that. Go, love, and find your happiness. I’ll watch over you from the heavens above. I’m letting you go now.”

A serene smile spread across Yunho’s face as I took a step back from his bed, and I forced myself to take another, then another, before flying out from the window.

I love you.