The glass I was holding in my hands suddenly slips out and shatters on the floor. My knees buckle and I collapse, feeling the glass shards cutting into my skin. Muscles of my face contract in the pain.

“Leeteuk!” Kyuhyun cries out with dread, running to me.

“Watch out,” I hiss at him. Kyuhyun takes the look at the floor, noticing shards and whispering some swear-word. After that, he just comes to me and grabs me in his arms.

“What happened?” Yesung rushes into the kitchen, Ryeowook is right behind him.

“What do you think?” Kyuhyun answers. “He collapsed again. That’s serious.”

“It’s nothing,” I whisper shakily. But it’s not very convincing, just because whole my body is shivering. I can hardly raise my hands to hug Kyuhyun’s neck. He carries me to the living room and at that moment there’s Ryeowook as well, bringing the first-aid kit. Kyuhyun puts me on the coach, kneeling in front of me. I just lean on the backrest, closing my eyes. I feel Kyuhyun, disinfecting my wounds. It hurts but I am not strong enough to scream or just show any sign of pain. My eyes are full of tears. I can’t. I can’t anymore. It’s too much for me. I am not even able to brew a coffee without hurting myself. They have too high demands. But I can’t do anything. Moreover, I mustn’t show my weakness. I have to be strong for others. But I can’t anymore. This is not acceptable. Instead being cared they have to take care of me. I am just a burden... I failed. I failed as a leader...

***

Tears are flowing down my face and I’m not able to stop them. I don’t want to stop them. Heechul is speaking next to me, trying to capture my look, he wants to squeeze my hand and calm me down. But I cannot. This is the last time he is with us. The last time we are singing together. After that he’s leaving. Why? Why everyone leaves? One after another. In the end there will be nothing. Just memory. If there will be any. My knees are shaking again. But I don’t show it. I can’t.

Last words. We finished the song. Finally. We’re slowly moving backstage. And in that moment, when nobody else can see us, my body fails and I collapse on the floor.

“Leeteuk!” Somebody scream just a while before I fall into unconsciousness.

***

“This isn’t normal! You must do something! You are paid for it!” Heechul frantically yells, while our manager is quietly pulling away as if he expected that Heechul would assault him.

“Heechul, please, that’s enough,” I whisper quietly. Heechul falls silent and looks at me. He looks guiltily; he didn’t want to wake me up. He would like to say anything more, but I stop him at a glance. So he shoots last furious glare at the manager and comes to me.

“Leeteuk, how do you feel?” he asks.

I try to smile but I know it’s just wishful thinking. My body is heavy as a lead. As the whole world would lie on my chest.

“I’m fine,” I lie.

“The doctor said your organism is perilously weak. You should eat more and sleep even more. I know that’s hard for you. That’s hard for everyone,” he’s reprimanding me. Sometimes there’re some undesirable feelings that he would be better leader than I am. He would certainly be better than me. I frown when I realize he’s leaving. And then the others. The group is falling apart. And it’s because of me. I feel hopelessness all around me once again. I’m useless. I’m not able to lead them.

“I must go,” Heechul sighs. I stare at him with dread - NO! No! Not yet!

“I was waiting for you, I just wanted to say goodbye to you,”

I can’t say a word. Stay! I want to cry out but my voice gets stuck in my throat. So I just stare at him with eyes wide open.

 “Don’t cry,” He cheerfully smiles, but his eyes are sad. Those words have exactly the opposite effect and instead suppressing the tears I let them run out of my eyes.

“Please, don’t cry,” he repeated insistently, bending down to me and kissing my tears away.

“I can’t,” I whisper brokenly. “And I don’t want as well.”

The first sob slips out of my lips and then more and more. I embrace him, hiding my face in his jacket.

“Don’t go,” I make a wish which never can come true.

“I must.”

It hurts. The pain bites in my heart. I’m slowly loosing them. One after another. After all I will be alone. Everybody will leave. Nobody will stay. I failed...

Heechul pulls away from me, quickly getting up and intending to leave.

“Heechul!” I shout desperately. Heechul pulls up. “Heechul...” I quietly repeat.

Heechul slowly turns to me. My heart is broken when I see tears streaming down his cheeks. And immediately afterwards he’s grabbing me in the strong embrace.

“I will miss you. I will miss you all. So much. I would like to stay, trust me. But I can’t,” he whispers to my ear. He’s right, I know he’s right, but I cannot accept it. I can’t.

***

I can’t smile anymore even if they come to see me.

“How are you?” Sungmin asks me with a kind smile. I just nod, because I’m not able to say a word.

“We don’t have much time, we have to come back. We came just for a while,” Yesung says and everyone sigh in disappointment. But their smiles are back immediately.

“Just a few days and you will be home with us,” Ryeowook cheerfully shares.

I try to smile, but I give it up. I don’t want to scare them. As they said they stay with me for a while, trying to talk with me, but there is no success. And finally they have to go.

“You’re not going?” I look curiously at Kyuhyun, everybody left, but he’s still here, staring at me. It gives me the shivers. Then he comes to my bed and he bends down to my face.

“What happened to your smile, Leeteuk?”

I am surprised by his tone and his addressing too. He always called me “hyung”, never using my name. Than I can say a word, he surprises me once again when he kisses me. And that’s not just one of our usual kisses. That’s not just friendly peck. That’s a kiss. Real kiss.

I feel a peculiar shivering in my stomach and chill runs down my spine. Whole my body trembles again, but it’s not caused by fatigue. Kyuhyun’s tongue pushes on my lips but I’m too weak to fight back. I slightly open my lips and he slips in. I quietly sigh when he touches my own tongue. I don’t take his point – why is he doing this? Why does he kiss me? And... Why is this so beautiful? I close my eyes.

“Find your smile again, Leeteuk,” he whispers to my lips before he touches them again. I can’t concentrate on what he says; I can’t perceive anything but his lips.

***

I’m looking down; patients in the garden didn’t notice me. Here’s silent, just the wind is blowing, playing with the trees somewhere far away. I close my eyes, standing on the edge of the roof. It’s quite high. I hold my breath. I must do it. I need to get rid of the pain. No matter how. Kyuhyun will hate me. I sadly smile. It’s just a few days he kissed me for the first time, telling me he loves me. It’s nice of him, but he doesn’t have to lie to me. I don’t need any reassurance. I need to vanish. I have no place in this world. I have to vanish before anybody else will go away because of me. I don’t want to see my group falling apart...

I feel the wind. Just one more step and everything will be alright.

“Leeteuk!”

Aghast scream makes me stop. I take a look back. Kyuhyun is standing in the door, watching me in dread.

“Kyuhyun,” I whisper with a sad smile and look down again. Just one more step to nowhere.

“NO!” I hear before the wind deafens me.

“I am so sorry.” This is the last thought I’m thinking about before the world stop moving and there’s nothing but the darkness.

***

 “Leeteuk, where are you? Step on it!” Sungmin runs into the locker room with a smile on his face. Before I can say a word, Kyuhyun runs into too, jumping on his back.

“Don’t be rude to my honey!” He says, biting his neck. Sungmin squeaks, throwing him down. I have to laugh. Sungmin sticks his tongue out at him, running to the hall. Kyuhyun is looking at him for a while and after that he turns to me with a gentle smile which is warming my heart. Kyuhyun comes to me, bowing his face and kissing me with whole his tenderness. I hug his neck immediately, closing my eyes with quiet sigh. Kyuhyun is gently playing with my lips, softly caressing them with his tongue, my lower lip and my face with his palms. I’m not able to do anything but delightful purring. Butterflies in my stomach which are coming with his kiss are so pleasant... I believe that if I had any feeling in my legs, my knees would shake.

“I love you, Teukki,” he whispers quietly, leaving my lips. He rests his forehead on mine, looking deeply in my eyes. I could get lost in his. I close my eyes, hugging him tighter and hiding face in his chest. I feel his arms grabbing me; his touches are burning me even if we are dressed. I smell his scent, so delicious to make me feel dizzy. A would like to stay like this forever. In his embrace, so full of love and warmth. When he is with me I feel like nothing could happen to me, like all worries of the world are fading away. Far away. To the place they can’t reach me...

I realize how stupid I was when I wanted to loose everything I had. How stupid I was when I wanted to end my life just because of my own stupidity. Even now I remember that feelings of hopelessness which I was feeling when I woke up in the hospital, realizing I’m still alive... I was yearning for the death so much...

*

Low beeping regularly resounding from nowhere is still louder and clearer. I can’t recognize it but I know I know it. I open my eyes slowly; a sharp white light is cutting them in that moment. Am I finally dead?

 “Welcome back to the living, Jungsoo,” someone above me says too loudly and suddenly so much sharper light is shining to my eyes as he’s using flashlight or something like this.

“Why didn’t you let me die?” I ask hoarsely, my throat is dry, I can’t find my voice anywhere. The doctor frowns but after that he smiles pityingly.

“There’s nothing in my job description about letting my patients die,” he says.

I don’t answer anything, just looking away. If I am lucky, I will get a few minutes alone and I will plan another try.

“Do you feel you arms and legs?” the doctor asks me suddenly. I give him a puzzled look, noticing he’s touching my foot, frowning... And I realize I feel nothing.

“No, I don’t.”

The doctor is frowning much more now. He opens his folder with documents, writing something down. After that he looks at me, looking like he’s considering his coming words. I don’t know why. I know what happened. That’s clear.

“I’m paralyzed,” I share. My voice is quiet. The man in a white coat just nods

“Leeteuk!” The door flings open and Kyuhyun bursts inside, yelling my name. I can see infinite relief in his face. He runs to my bed, ignoring the surprised doctor and grabbing me in his arms.

“Damn, Leeteuk, you’re a fool! What have you done?! I was so scared. God, I am so happy you’re awake... So happy...”

He is hugging me and I can feel his shoulders shiver. He’s crying. That makes me cry too. But my tears are tears of desperation. Why? Why does he care so much? Why can’t he figure out I don’t want to be here anymore? A nurse comes to my room; the doctor tells her a few words, leaving. She comes to my bed, controlling some of beeping machine.

“You will never scare me so much again, will you?” he straightens, staring at my eyes. His gaze makes me shiver. As ever.

“Go away,” I whisper.

“What?” he blinks and other tears leave his eyes.

“Go away, leave me alone. Don’t care about me! I want to die! This is the only thing I really want! I have no reason to stay here anymore! I want to leave!” I scream at him, even it rather sounds as hoarseness.

“No reason? What are you talking about?! You have a reason! You have fourteen reasons! What about guys? Every one needs you! Especially me. I need you, Teukki. Have you forgotten how much I love you?”

I can hear a reproach in his voice. I choke back tears, looking away. I don’t want to hear it.

“Stop. Don’t lie to me. You can’t love me. You can’t love me after all the things I have done to you. I was nasty, treating you like a bastard. Moreover I am a cripple now. I wasn’t able to look after you before. How could I do it now? You don’t need me.”

The longer I talk, the worse it gets.

“Leave me alone, please. Go away. Forget me. Forget me all of yo-...”

His warm lips silence me in a long kiss. My body shivers. Kyuhyun kisses me desperately; I feel his hot tears on my cheeks. I want to push him away, but I can’t raise my hands. A want to look away, but I can’t move. In the end I just close my eyes, letting my body drown in the gentle and soft kiss. Long time passes before he leaves my lips.

“I love you so much,” he said, wiping tears from my cheeks. I close my eyes tightly. No! Please, don’t say that!

“I was here all the time, talking to you, begging you to open your eyes. I missed you a lot. I was so scared you won’t wake up anymore. I wouldn’t be able to carry on, if you disappeared,” he continues, my hair; his eyes don’t leave mine.

“Everyone was here. You mean everything to us. You can’t just leave us. Realize it.”

My eyes are filling with more and more tears.

“Kyuhyun...” my lips whisper, but I am not able to say a word. A desire to hide in his embrace is stronger and stronger.

“I am so sorry, but you have to leave,” the doctor says. Kyuhyun looks at him desperately, sighing and trying to kiss me one more time. But now I am too fast to sidestep. Kyuhyun just sigh again, giving me a kiss on my cheek. He leaves with the doctor, but I can’t overlook his painful expression. I close my eyes and I am not trying to choke back my tears anymore.

*

“Leeteuk,” Kyuhyun touches my face. I just blink confusedly, leaving his warm body. I find his eyes, saying nothing, just smiling happily.

“What are you thinking of?” he smiles to me too, me cheek. I just close my eyes contentedly. I love his touches.

“I am just realizing again how happy I am because of staying alive,” I answer sincerely. Kyuhyun give me gentle smile again, grabbing me tight in his arms.

“We should go, right?” I ask.

“Of course,” he answers, kissing me one more time. Then he goes behind me, pushing my wheelchair.

“Where are you so long time? We thought you fell asleep!” other boys complain, when we reach them.

“I am sorry, but walking down the stairs with this thing is not a piece of cake.”

The boys stare at us suspiciously. “There’re no stairs.”

I just laugh.

“Are you ready?” I ask everyone.

“Of course,” they assure me.

Cheering of our fans is probably louder than usually. Spotlights blind us, but I have to look around. Everybody smiles happily, there are shining sparkles in their eyes. Kangin, Kibum, Hangeng, Heechul... They didn’t leave because of me. I didn’t fail, I know it now. The music begins. I look at Kyuhyun, who – as he’s feeling my stare – turns to me immediately. He gives me one of his most beautiful smiles, starting to sing...

I wanted to disappear just a year ago. I tried to do it and I paid for it. I will never walk again, but I enjoy my life like I never did. Because I just realized I have somebody to smile for. Somebody to live for.