Jongin knows it’s a crush the moment he laid eyes on Byun Baekhyun. His heart thumps out of its natural rhythm, hot blood pulsing through his hungry veins, screaming for the feel of Baekhyun’s skin against his. It’s inexplicable, really. Jongin’s throat feels thick and he feels light headed when the boy introduces himself, a little shyly, hiding behind tufts of brown locks.  

He’s Byun Baekhyun, who just turned nineteen a few weeks ago. He likes to sing and he can’t dance very well but he hopes to do his best and keep up with all the rest of them. Jongin’s eyes roam around the room, waiting for a hint. He can’t be the only one who’s taken by this beautiful boy. But he sees Suho’s bright, supportive look as he flashes Baekhyun a two thumbs up. Baekhyun nods thankfully and he surveys the rest of them as well, waiting for any approvals. Sehun looks at him with bored eyes, but Jongin knows that young boy is just really sleepy, nothing personal there. Chanyeol seems uninterested as he tries to pull a loose string from the hem of his shirt. Kyungsoo looks a little apprehensive and guarded, as he blinks and tries to take in the fact that Soo Man has found them another lead singer.

They say when he sings, it’s like being in heavens above. It’s like hearing the most beautiful sound in the world. It’s like being intoxicated; under the influence. Jongin wants to hear him sing. Kyungsoo seems to want the same thing, for different reasons.

“Sing for us, Baekhyun-ah,” Suho suggests and Baekhyun bites his lips, and Jongin groans inwardly.

That Byun Baekhyun is one cute hyung.

A few seconds into the song, Jongin starts to wonder if perfection is defined as 'Byun Baekhyun'.

---

Jongin forgot when they started talking but he is almost certain it was when Baekhyun asked Jongin, very politely, to switch seats with him at dinner. He had asked Baekhyun why in a simple, casual manner, that he hoped didn’t give away his giddiness. Baekhyun finally talked to him. Jongin had been a little jealous of Chanyeol because the two boys seem to have found comfort in each other’s loud presence. The golden opportunity to even get close enough to Baekhyun is rare. Their choreographer is cruel. He sets them apart even in their dance routines. Jongin is going crazy.

Baekhyun admitted his deep-rooted loathing for cucumber that night. Jongin laughs and he didn’t notice how Baekhyun only started laughing because of Jongin. He didn’t notice the small blush that crept up to Baekhyun’s cheeks when Jongin poked fun at him, drunk from the euphoria that is overtaking his mind.

---

Jongin once looked up to the sky, glimmers of miracles (they call them ‘stars’) strewn across the black canvas. He wonders how something can be so beautiful yet so far away…so unreachable. Then he remembers Baekhyun. So beautiful, so close…a room away from him.

Jongin tosses and turns.

Stars…Stars are who they will be. Jongin wants to be that star in his fans’ hearts (Hopefully he will have a fan or two). He is afraid of a lot of things. He is afraid of not being able to perform up to everyone’s expectations.

He is afraid of Kyungsoo waking up in the middle of the night to hear Jongin sleeptalking about Baekhyun.

He is afraid of the cockroach that might still be roaming around their bathroom, after escaping Sehun’s wrath.

He is afraid of having to dye his hair blonde. Or green. Or blue.

But then Jongin looks up to the sky again. The stars are beautiful tonight. His heart tightens in his chest.

Baekhyun is Jongin’s star. Stars are beautiful…far and unreachable. Baekhyun is Jongin’s star, just much closer to his heart.

Jongin is afraid of a lot of things.

But most of all, he is afraid of losing Baekhyun.

---

“Baekhyun-hyung, you’re supposed to make your legs like this,” Jongin calls out from across the room to the sweating and panting Baekhyun, who is looking more distressed by the minute. Kyungsoo looks sympathetically to the older boy, who has lost weight like it’s the air he breathes out from the intense training sessions. He coughs and wheezes, choked by exhaustion and perspiration. Jongin’s heart breaks at the sight. Although he believes that pain is the path to success, he bends the rule this time. For Baekhyun.

“Take five everyone. Actually…take ten,” he nods and the rest of them disperse to search for the nearest water source. Their trainer is unavailable today and Jongin, being easily the best dancer out of all of them, was instructed to take over for today to help them polish their dance for ‘Into Your World’.

Sehun’s laughter fills the room with echoes. Jongin glances at him from the mirror. He realizes with a shock, for the millionth time, that Sehun is quite handsome, but Jongin doesn’t feel the attraction at all, he notes with surprise. Sehun hasn’t broken a sweat yet. Like Jongin, he is quite the dancer. Chanyeol has gone out the room, leaving the disturbed Baekhyun to wallow in his own dissatisfaction. As the bold boy strides towards Baekhyun, he can see the frustration lined in the boy’s face. His fists are clenched so hard Jongin can see the white colour appearing on his bony kunckles. The poor boy stares at a spot on the floor, fixated by nothing at all, yet a million thoughts seem to be crossing his mind.

“Take it easy, hyung. You’re doing great,” Jongin says as he slides into a cross-legged sitting position across Baekhyun, replacing the spot he was just staring at. He smiles at Jongin wryly. Jongin is left to wonder how anyone can possibly look perfect every single minute of the day.

“Jongin-ah, you’re being nice. You should be very critical to me, so I can be better. So I can be the best for all of you. Save the compliments for when I finally deserve it,” Baekhyun says with bitterness that Jongin dislikes so much, coming from his mouth. He puts a comforting hand on Baekhyun’s fists and the older boy jolts in surprise at the gentle touch that is meant to calm him down, but sends his heart racing even more than before. His fist melts into beautiful long fingers, all stretched out and relaxed. Jongin smiles at the effect. At least Baekhyun feels a little less tense.

“Hyung, you can do it. We all believe you can, okay? You really are doing great. Your moves are very fluid and…”

“And?” Baekhyun looks up at the taller boy’s handsome face hopefully. Jongin wants to grab his face and plant a kiss on his lips because Byun Baekhyun looks hot when he is sweating and with a slight flush on his pale cheeks.

“And…beautiful,” Jongin admits, looking away from embarrassment. He hopes Baekhyun doesn’t take it the wrong way. Everyone in their group knows Jongin goes ‘both ways’…except for Baekhyun. And he is the last person Jongin would want to creep out. But he was telling the truth. He has been watching Baekhyun’s dance.  Every step, every spin, every jump…he does it in a way that catches Jongin’s eyes. It’s….It’s not perfect. It lacks the precision that Jongin has so much of. It needs more force and conviction with each step but at the same time…Jongin thinks this is what makes it so beautiful and dear to watch. Because Baekhyun dances with grace and sophistication. He dances with affection.

Jongin wants that affection for himself.

Baekhyun looks much happier from the compliment but his eyes turns serious again.

“Thank you, Jongin-ah. But tell me…what is it that I need? What am I lacking?”

Jongin pauses. There are many things that he needs.

“Practice. Practice is just what you need,” Jongin says with a cheery voice and pats Baekhyun’s shoulder lightly before standing up. Their break is over. Kyungsoo is already skipping back to position and stretching, a wide grin on his face. Jongin holds his hand out for Baekhyun and the boy takes it without a question. He thinks it’s just a friendly gesture but Jongin wants it to be so much more.

Jongin’s heart flutters away from the touch. It lasted less than a second but it gave him a reason to smile for the rest of the day. Baekhyun laughs whenever Jongin cracks jokes every time they stop the song that day. He thinks Jongin is a very sweet boy.

He just might like Jongin.

They could be really good friends.

---

Their showcase stage seems to be way behind them now. They have gotten used to the roaring fans, squealing and screeching at a pitch they first thought was non-existent. They have just finished their SM Town concert in Singapore. The heat is making some of them disgruntled but Jongin feels high with ecstasy. He waves to the audience who is screaming at them and Baekhyun jogs up to him, grinning and waving too. He seems to be in a better mood than most of the other boys. Jongin is glad he can share this moment with Baekhyun.

Baekhyun beckons for Jongin to come closer and Jongin does so, driven with curiosity. Baekhyun starts splashing water from the tip of his fingers to Jongin’s face and he stares at the cackling Baekhyun in disbelief. Jongin breaks into a wide smile and the audience who could see them scream louder. Jongin thinks he can hear a not-too-subtle yells of ‘Kaibaek’.

Inebriated by the adrenaline rush and screams of joy, Jongin’s impulse takes over. He chuckles and follows Baekhyun back to the main stage. But not before wrapping his strong, muscled arms around the skinny boy from behind. He feels Baekhyun’s back pressed against him as the boy falls back in surprise and Jongin pulls him around a little. Baekhyun just laughs and gives in to Jongin. He wasn’t tense or awkward at all.

It gives Jongin hope.

---

Baekhyun feels a pair of arms snake around his waist. They are tanned, he realizes. A part of him falls back because he was surprised.

Another part of him falls back because he knows Jongin will catch him.

The biggest part of him falls back because he wants to be caught by Jongin.

Is it because he feels secure? Protected by the taller boy, who he trusts a lot by now…Is it trust? It feels strange. He can’t quite put his finger on it. He doesn’t know why he’s feeling the way he is, but he knows he likes it. He likes being in Jongin’s embrace.

It feels foolish, but when the fireworks went off that night, Byun Baekhyun made a wish.

‘Please let Jongin stay with me. Please keep him by my side.’

He decided that will be the first and last time he will make a wish on fireworks. It’s a pretty stupid wish, Baekhyun thinks, but he smiles as he dances around the stage anyway. It’s stupid but he’s happy with it.

---

The second thing Jongin forgot about Baekhyun was when he fell hard for him. Jongin steals a glance at Baekhyun, without his glamourous lined eyes or foundation to cover the tiny zit on his cheek, murmuring to Suho. They are deep into the conversation and Jongin wonders what they’re discussing. Just a week after they met, Jongin realizes Baekhyun isn’t all laugh and giggles. He has his moments with Chanyeol but like the latter, Baekhyun has times when he is as serious as a rock.

Suho’s eyes flicker to Jongin and he caught him. Jongin looks away, embarrassed and pretending he wasn’t paying attention to them but Suho stands up, leaving a frowning Baekhyun to himself. When Suho passes by Jongin on his way to tease the maknae, Jongin thinks he saw a wink. Is Jongin being too obvious?

He sighs and run his fingers through the thick matt of brown hair. Baekhyun’s hair has been chopped off and currently stuck in a permanent perm. Jongin has once joined the others in teasing Baekhyun about it, but he stopped when he reads through the pained laugh coming from Baekhyun. He hates it, but Jongin loves it on him, if he was to be honest.

“Hey,” Baekhyun greets Jongin, looking a little distracted and pensive. Jongin almost regrets coming over but he clears his throat.

“What’s up, hyung? You look a little upset about something,” Jongin states honestly. He doesn’t like beating around the bush. Although he is curious, there is a bigger part of him that is concerned.

“Oh, nothing at all. It’s nothing,” Baekhyun assures Jongin with a smile and draws his legs up to his chest. Jongin would have dropped the subject and believed Baekhyun’s answer if he doesn’t know better...if he doesn’t know that Baekhyun is one of those people who can put up a smile to make everyone but himself feel better. It pains Jongin that Baekhyun isn’t telling Jongin the things that are bothering him. Jongin wants to fight Baekhyun’s troubles with him. He supposes it could be the team mentality that all of them gained at some point in their journey together. He thinks it’s the protective side of him since they are, after all, in EXO together. They should share every burden. But that clearly isn’t the case.

“Hyung, you can tell me. I mean…you don’t have to, but I’m not stupid. I can see something is bothering you,” Jongin replies in a low voice and Baekhyun remains silent for a while. It seems like hours are passing by without him answering so Jongin looks up to read Baekhyun’s face.

He looks a little awkward and indecisive about something.

“I’ll tell you next time, Jongin. I’m exhausted,” he replies and Jongin’s heart takes a dull stab. In his defense however, Jongin must admit that Baekhyun looks more than exhausted. He seems to be burning out in front of them. His fire has been disappearing lately. So Jongin nods, trying to be understanding. He does the one thing he knows will make things at least a little better. Jongin places a hand on Baekhyun’s bony fingers that is sprawled across the wooden floor like a star. Baekhyun closes his eyes as he leans on his hands and mutters something to Jongin.

Jongin doesn’t want to delude himself but he thinks he hears “I like it” from Baekhyun’s guarded lips.

---

He found Baekhyun humming by himself under the stars in the balcony. They aren’t home because all of them voted to stay in the SM building for the night. They have an early schedule tomorrow and Chanyeol complained that they wouldn’t even have the energy to get up from their beds if they were to go home. Sehun’s agreement settled the vote, basically.

“It’s so dark, even with the stars,” Baekhyun whispers and Jongin takes it as a sign that Baekhyun heard of his arrival. He steps forward and joins the brooding male. His hair is in a worse condition than a few days ago. The hairstylists decided to try something new but all Jongin sees is Baekhyun’s pain. He heard Baekhyun’s cry when they accidentally used too much bleach on his scalp. It’s not something Jongin can forget. He thanks heavens that he has not fallen victim to their fancy hair moods. Sehun, on the other hand, has gotten the worse end of the stick. Jongin would catch the boy stare at his reflection in horror sometimes…or a deadpanned face, as if he has resigned to accept the worst every time he is pulled to the small salon area in the building. Sehun would also stare at the pile of hair that falls out sometimes, and the bunch clenched in his fist. Jongin feels an irrational surge of anger and defiance every time he recalls the scene.

But Baekhyun…Jongin doesn’t want anyone to touch this beautiful boy’s hair. He wishes they would stop because he can see how its affecting Baekhyun.

“Hyung?”

“Hey Jongin. Didn’t know you also take walks at night. Are the rest asleep?”

“Nope. Mama’s trying to get them to sleep though,” Jongin reports, referring to Suho as Mama because its what they call him outside of stage anyway. Baekhyun chuckles.

“Hyung?” Jongin repeats. The silence of the night is eerie yet somehow…necessary. It lets them feel peaceful. It lets them feel normal, when they are not rushed to train or having their ears deafened by the sound of screaming fans. It frees them from the haunting sound of clattering make-up tools or coordi noonas ushering all twelve of them out the stage.

“Yeah?” Baekhyun’s voice is soft yet sharp. Jongin is starting to appreciate the silence even more because he can hear Baekhyun’s voice in its purest state.

“You said you would tell me.”

“Oh…that.”

“What is it, hyung?” Jongin couldn’t help it. He is curious.

Baekhyun takes a deep breath and Jongin realizes if he looks deep past the boy’s stony-faced façade, he can see a small window of worry…worry and pain. Pain and sorrow. Sorrow and exhaustion.

“My voice…it’s cracking, Jongin. It’s breaking,” Baekhyun says. His face is inscrutable, once again, under the moonlight and Jongin agrees with him. It’s too dark, even with the stars around.

“What do you mean? Voices crack all the time, hyung. Kyungsoo had that mishap on stage last time, remember? But it was okay. They all said it was okay,” Jongin finds words overflowing out of him, trying hard to believe in what he’s saying.  

“No, I mean…I don’t know. But my throat hurts…I can’t…I can’t sing, Jongin. I can’t reach the notes. Not high, not low, none…Kyungsoo thinks something is off too but he can’t…he doesn’t know what’s wrong…” Baekhyun turns to Jongin with glassy eyes and trembling lips. He is older but shorter. Jongin winces and he is numbed. He wonders if him being robbed of all emotions is because he refuses to accept Baekhyun’s words.

Jongin couldn’t take it. He closes the distance between them and pulls a sobbing Baekhyun to his chest. He feels the tremors from the boy’s body overtake him each time he tries to breath and calm himself down. He fails. Jongin starts rubbing his back gently, not speaking a word. Jongin can understand why. Their new song…It’s asking a lot from Baekhyun. Baekhyun is good. He is amazing, but there are still things that are out of his limit. And Jongin would understand about limits more than anyone else. The sharp pain in his waist in a strong reminder.

“It…It’s going to get better, hyung. Don’t worry. It’s going to be over soon. You just need rest. That’s all. I know it’s nothing big. Don’t worry. You will… You can still sing, hyung,” Jongin tries to console Baekhyun, who has finally calmed down. Jongin tries to sound as optimistic as he can but he would have cried for Baekhyun if the other boy hasn’t already.

“How? How is it going to get better? What good am I if I can’t sing?” Baekhyun chokes out and Jongin squeezes Baekhyun in their embrace. Baekhyun’s arms are around Jongin’s waist, in the most natural manner. And Jongin would have been ecstatic if the circumstances were different.

“It will. Hyung, that will never happen. You…you are amazing with and without your singing,” Jongin says sincerely and with much more certainty this time, because this, he is definitely confident about.

“Jongin-ah...thank you. You always make me feel better. It should be the other way around,” Baekhyun chuckles dryly, sounding a little shaky. Jongin shakes his head and laughs.

“Why should it?”

Baekhyun releases his hold on Jongin and it leaves Jongin feeling bare and empty, stripped and bare in the night even though he is fully clothed and warm. He doesn’t want Baekhyun to go away just yet but he makes no move to stop him.

“Because I’m your hyung,” Baekhyun points out as if it’s the most obvious fact in the world.

“Ah. Well, I like making people smile. Especially you. You need to smile more often for me, hyung,” Jongin says, gazing out at the stretch of land beyond the horizon, where the sky fades away and the stars disappear.

“Why me?” Baekhyun blurts out, puzzled. Jongin wants to smack his head against the metal railing that is he leaning on for being careless with his words. This…this crush is meant to be kept in his mind and only his mind.

“Um…you’re special. That’s why. Yeah, you’re a special bacon, aren’t you?” Jongin jokes and he gives off a feeble chuckle. Baekhyun whips his head and stares at Jongin with his warm brown, knowing eyes that penetrate Jongin’s.

“That’s it?” Baekhyun raises his eyebrow and inches a little closer to Jongin, tempting Jongin to wrap him in another hug.

And in a split second of naiveté, everything is ruined.

“I like you,” Jongin states, avoiding Baekhyun’s eyes and opting for the skies instead. The tiny starts will have to do for now. Although they will never match Baekhyun’s eyes in beauty. Jongin recalls the times he spent trying to count the stars just to get his mind off Baekhyun, but instead he finds himself counting them to see just how many stars he would give to Baekhyun if he could. He lets himself falls asleep to that. He likes to think he falls asleep with a smile, not with tears because how is Jongin ever going to be able to get enough stars for Baekhyun? Baekhyun deserves endless amount. Baekhyun is infinity.

Baekhyun remains silent and Jongin remembers all the times he does the same thing. He is always one to wait for Jongin to look to his face before answering. Jongin wonders why.

“I…I don’t think…I don’t think I’m gay, Jongin,” Baekhyun says, carefully calculating his words as if he is treading on very thin ice.

Jongin doesn’t know why he isn’t as heartbroken as he is about the fact that Baekhyun didn’t say anything about reciprocating his feelings. His gender preference…is a small thing, Jongin thinks. Anyone can like anyone. It isn’t set in the rules that if someone likes the opposite gender…that this would apply for the rest of their lives. Jongin knows this.

“Hyung, that doesn’t mean you can’t…like me. I’m not saying you should or anything but, I think if you like someone, then his or her gender or your preference hardly matters. I’m sorry if you don’t understand,” Jongin’s words rush out of his lips. Baekhyun looks conflicted. He seems torn, but Jongin cannot figure out why. Isn’t it easy? The only question is: does Baekhyun like him back? Anything else hardly matters.

Jongin has been expecting his next answer. Months of watching him and picturing scenarios that will never happen in his head with Baekhyun were practices for him. For the real thing.

Yet Jongin would be lying if he said it didn’t hit him hard in the gut and heart. A dead pit of feeling settles itself in Jongin when Baekhyun shakes his head. His words gets caught up in  his throat. He wants to cry. He wants to throw a fit and maybe then Baekhyun would understand just how much Jongin likes him. Love. Love even….

“I…I’m really sorry, Jongin. I don’t think-”

“It’s okay. Goodnight, hyung,” Jongin cuts him off and walks away, leaving the other boy to drown in his guilt. He doesn’t let Baekhyun see the tear that slips out and makes its way down Jongin’s cheek. Jongin doesn’t think he can take it if Baekhyun tries to make Jongin feels better. It’s rude to interrupt people, but Jongin thinks he will be forgiven this time. He spends the next hour in the corner of the dance practice room, staring at a spot for no apparent reason.

Or maybe for a single reason. His pathetic, broken heart. 

A/N: FOR YOU KAIBAEK SHIPPERS WHO I WILL INSTANTLY LOVE. <3 And btw, if you ship Baeklu too...WE ARE FRIENDS. But ohkai, I posted this in my EXO One-Shots too...and if you guys haven't seen it, it's all the one-shots I write for other members other than Baeby <3 hehehe. So check it out? THANK YOU. 

BTW thank you for reading ohkai? HEHEHE Tell me what you think of it with a comment beloowwwww <3 Oh btw, shout out to KL-mars (who ships Kaibaek like nothing else OTL) and Abbeyy ( who decided that spamming me with Kaibaek pics is the best idea evar. IT IS <3 )