"Dinner's ready!" Mrs. Kang voice echoed downstairs.

"I'll be down in a minute!"

Alright, time to blog.

Day 04, 1/7/2013

It's only been 4 days into school and I hate it already. I hate everyone and everything, except for Soo and Soonkyu, of course. It's been 10 years since something or someone which, I know it's impossible to think of, actually brought a sincere smile to my face, still nothing has made me feel alive more than ever again.

Sometimes, I just want to be alone. Away from people and all the trouble they bring. Far away from drama, lies, and bull. When I’m alone, I don’t have to live up to expectations or fake a smile.

this is why I am always pushing people away when I get too close to someone.
this is why I am always second best,
this is why I never trust anyone,
this is why I am never good enough for myself, for my family or for anyone.

You know what scares me? Having relapse.
yeah, that scares me most. It's like you’re dead but still breathing.
like you're stuck in a dark hole and you cannot breathe but you're still alive.

because i have to believe i am here for a reason.. but right now i don't know.. but i keep searching..

hate those days when you felt like you want to shut the world out and just be left alone.

It's funny that when you always think that things have been going well, something have to happen. Its like there’s a curse in me that I cannot stay happy even for awhile. And I get so used to it that it don’t bother me much when happened. But sometimes I envy people who are blessed with everything around them. And I wondered when will this curse stop. It's like a nightmare but the differences is that I’m living this nightmare. Real life. My life is a nightmare. Maybe I’m having this thoughts cause I’m depressed. Wait, maybe? No, I am depressed.

love, taeyeon

--

I posted it up to my blog, and slammed the laptop down as I remembered how depressed my life has been all these years. I've been blogging about my feelings for the past 4 years and you must be wondering if anyone ever reads it, well to be honest, nobody does. That's why I couldn't be bothered about trying to keep my blog on a 'low profile' when nobody ever cares about me, let alone my feelings. 

I dragged my tired feet down the stairs and slipped into the chair with 3 pairs of eyes staring at me.

"Bwoh?" I said as I start picking my chopsticks, choosing the side dishes that I'd like to eat for dinner.

Mr. Kang frowned his eyebrows. "We told you to be down 10 minutes ago, Taeyeon-ah."

"I had things to do."

"Like what? Acting weird with your 2 other weird friends?" Maru spited and smirked.

Ah, Maru, I wish I could kill him, which I've been wanting to do for years but didn't get the chance to. I hate him. I've been mentally imagining myself killing him slowly so he could actually feel the pain that he brought to me by spiting all the senseless comments. Are all step siblings this mean? I seriously want to punch his face so badly. He's like 2 or 3 years older than me, I think, because I couldn't be bothered about how old he is when he don't even remember my name sometimes. But he's definitely older than me, but he's never independent, he still depends on Mr. and Mrs. Kang for money and still behaves like a child, which is disgusting.

"Shut the up, Maru." I stood up abruptly and stomped my way up back to my room. No damn way am I going to waste any minute having dinner with him around.

"Watch your mouth, Taeyeon! Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?!" Mr. Kang shouted.

I stopped in my tracks and started to smirk. Are they seriously trying to test my patience?

"Wait, as a matter of fact, I don't anymore. My mother died, sir. Don't you remember?" I slammed my door and start to choke myself with food.

Mr and Mrs Kang are my foster parents. Up till now, I still think they took care of me just because they sympathize a once adorable 7 year old girl crying for her real parents which rudely left her during an accident. Up till now, I'm still having troubles trying to call them as "Omma" or "Appa". CRINGE. But I'm actually thankful that they put up with my personality and behaviour, yet some times I hate them. Because they prioritise their own son more than me every single time, which might be reasonable because that's their son we're talking about here, that sick animal is from their own blood and flesh.

It's also annoying when my foster parents say that they don't know me anymore. I don't even know my own self, how could they even know me? God, I can't even. What do I only know about myself? I'm living a nightmare, and I bleed 7 days a week in each month. I don't like to converse with anyone, because I'm socially awkward, it .

While eating and thinking about how my life ing , my phone vibrated continuously. A phone call, damn.

The only people who calls me are my foster parents, Soo or Soonkyu. Or sometimes, Maru's friends which Maru introduced me as a young e to his friends and that I provide phone for free. That son of a .

Choi Sooyoung (18) Miss Calls.

As I was about to call her back, Sooyoung already did again. Thank God, my fingers were too weak to dial her number. 

"What's up Soo?"

"Don't forget, Soju night tonight, meet us at the usual place."

"Ara."

Alright, operation sneak out #123456789 because I've done it so many times.

Author's Comments:

Alright! First chapter is out! Hope you guys like it! <3

It's the introduction of my story so it'll be a little bit boring at the start!

xx, escapethefate