My mind is buzzing.. I’m like in a whirlpool and I’m spinning faster going under a kind of trance. Everything happened so fast I couldn’t even remember how it started. I wanted this thing badly for all my life and now it’s here right in front of me.

But then why am I confused..? If I wanted this that badly, why am I thinking of letting this go? Is it because it’s gone too fast and I’m overwhelmed by this? Or is it because I’m afraid that it wouldn’t last long enough for me to feel this overwhelming happiness that I am in right now?

I wanted to believe that this is real. Real enough for me to touch and see, not just feel. I wanted this to be true. Make me believe that this is true. I don’t want this to be another dream in my sleep. I don’t want this to be another star for me to reach.

 

Seung Ri scribbles these at his notebook in the middle of the night. Not wanting to wake Dae Sung hyung up, he carefully wrote with a small flashlight in his other hand. As he read and re-read what he just wrote, a familiar face kept on popping in his head. He violently shook his head upon the thought of caressing that face of that boy. That boy: the reason why he’s still up even though he needs to wake up early next day for their group’s CF rehearsal.

 

Seung Ri tried to focus his attention to what he wrote. Recalling why he wrote it.

 

He couldn’t really remember how it all started. But what he knows is that he started having feelings for him. For him? Yes, for him. For that boy he calls “hyung”. For that boy he adores so much. For that boy who gave him the strength to strive harder to be a better artist, a better person. For the leader we all know as Kwon Ji Yong.

 

Seung Ri shifted his attention to the door of their room as he hears muffled footsteps coming from the hallway. It grew louder making him a little nervous. What if it’s Top hyung checking if we’re all asleep in our own room? Not wanting to be caught, he turns the flashlight off, threw it at his open bedside table and covers his entire body with the blanket not moving a muscle forgetting to hide the notebook in his nervousness.

 

His assumption was right except it wasn’t Top hyung.

 

Someone opened the door to Seung Ri’s room. Walked directly in front of Seung Ri’s bed and sat beside the motionless body of Seung Ri.

“Maknae-ya…”

 

, it’s Ji Yong hyung! Seung Ri thought as he froze in his bed, heart thumping so hard it might as well jump off from his chest.

 

“Maknae, I know you’re awake, I saw a dim light coming out under your door room earlier.”

 

Seung Ri kept himself silent and motionless. He can’t face him now. No, he’ll break down if he talks to him. He can’t. He can’t allow himself to see him. Don’t freaking move Lee Seung Hyun!

 

“I know. I know you don’t want to talk to me. I know you’re afraid. Believe me, I know.”

 

Keep it up Seung Ri, don’t move a muscle. Seung Ri convinces himself to keep still and to not listen to what Ji Yong is saying. He manages to keep his position but he failed miserably on trying not to listen.

 

His heart is giving him a tachycardia making him breathe heavier. Realizing his state of breathing, he covered his mouth with his hands trying very hard not to make any sound under those blankets.

 

But Ji Yong heard him clearly. Ji Yong heard his heavy breathing clearly, as though Seung Ri breathed on his ears.

 

“Is it because everything was so fast? Believe me Ri, I didn’t expect it to happen this quickly either.” Ji Yong pulled the blanket off of Seung Ri revealing Seung Ri’s attempts of keeping himself silent.

 

Seung Ri couldn’t believe what Ji Yong did but nonetheless, he tried to speak in defense for himself.

 

“Hyung… I… I…”

 

Seung Ri doesn’t know what to say. He can’t tell his hyung how afraid he was. How he wanted everything but still in doubt that this is just another one of those sweet dreams he used to have where right when he’s getting into the dream, he’ll suddenly wake up to reality. He can’t say how happy he is that finally after silently loving him for so long, he’s here but he couldn’t. He couldn’t go on with it. Because he’s afraid that he might leave him for a girl. That he’s afraid he might wake up one day and realize that what they have is wrong.

 

So he decided to shut his mouth instead. He decided to keep silent and just listen to his hyung talk. Maybe if he kept silent, things will be as it is.

 

But Ji Yong won’t let Seung Ri be just the receiver in this conversation. He doesn’t want him to just sit there and listen to him. He wanted to know what’s bothering his maknae’s mind.

 

“Seung Ri, why are you avoiding me? Do you know how painful it is for me that you don’t sit beside me for the past three days? Do you know how painful it is to see you hang out with Yong Bae instead of hanging out with me? What’s the matter, Seunghyunnie?” Ji Yong tried his hardest to lower his voice but he couldn’t. This is frustrating him. What’s happening lately between them is killing him.

 

“Hyung I… I want to end this…” Seung Ri finally manage to spill what’s on his mind. It breaks his heart to be saying this to him. To the person he loves the most. But he needed to end it. He needed to do this for the sake of his group. It’s for the sake of their friendship and for the sake of his sanity.

 

=====Ji Yong’s POV=====

 

I can’t believe I’m hearing this. No, this isn’t real. I’m just dreaming right? Why would Seung Ri do this to me? What made him think this way? No, this isn’t real.

 

“Seung Ri, I thought you love me. I thought you wanted this. Why? What went wrong? Seung Ri, tell me!” You couldn’t keep your voice low anymore. You couldn’t control yourself.

 

You think of a million reasons on why he’s doing this to you but nothing came in mind. So instead you reasoned out with some alibi. Something. Anything.  Just to make him talk. Just to make you understand why is this happening.

 

“This isn’t happening now, Seung Ri. You’re playing with me right? You just want to play with me since lately you’ve been playing a lot with Yong Bae that you missed playing with me that’s why you’re doing this, right Seung Ri? Am I right? Tell me!” You screamed every single word out of your lungs. You couldn’t breathe properly. Your eyes tearing up but you tried your hardest to control it.

 

“Hyung, I’m not playing with you. I am dead serious. I want to break up with you hyung.”

 

You saw him move back a little. Something fell off his bed. You immediately stood up and picked it up. Seung ri’s daily journal. You open the notebook on its last page.

 

“Hyung don’t! Please…”

 

You hear him plead. Plead for you to stop reading his notebook but you couldn’t stop. I won’t give this back until I find out why we’re even having this conversation. So you read the last page. You read and reread those lines.

 

I wanted to believe that this is real. Real enough for me to touch and see, not just feel. I wanted this to be true. Make me believe that this is true. I don’t want this to be another dream in my sleep. I don’t want this to be another star for me to reach.

 

“Seung Ri… Is this why? Is this why we’re even having this conversation? What are you afraid of? I AM HERE. I LOVE YOU! THIS ISN’T A DREAM! WHAT WE HAVE IS REAL!”

 

You move toward him. You pull his right hand and put them on your chest. Your heart beats erratically inside. You wanted him to feel it. You wanted him to feel how real your feelings are for him.

 

“Touch me Ri. I am real. I’m right here. I don’t know what happened. What made you think of all this about our relationship but I’m real. This, us is real!”

 

You put his other hand in your face. You looked into his eyes. You try your hardest to make him see how determined you are.

 

=====Seung Ri’s POV=====

 

You avoid his piercing stares. You tried your hardest but you couldn’t. You feel his heart beats faster and faster under your palm. It pains you to be doing this to him.

 

“I… Hyung… I can’t have this relationship with you,”

 

You lied. You lied about the truth. You wanted to have a relationship with him. You wanted it badly that even if it started like a whirlwind, so fast you couldn’t keep up with the pace, you still want it. But you can’t. You can’t have this with him anymore because of your silly thoughts about him leaving you for a girl. That his feelings will change eventually and he’ll leave you behind without turning back. You’re so confused like a girl. You wanted it but your heart and mind are battling against each other whether to keep this or not.

 

Then you saw tears roll down his eyes.

 

“This isn’t happening Seung Ri. Just because you’re confused doesn’t mean we need to end this.”

 

He’s right. He’s damn right! But no, you beg to disagree even if he’s ing right. You pulled yourself together, took both of your hands back from touching him.

 

“Hyung… What I wrote in that notebook doesn’t mean anything. It’s just a damned notebook. Nothing more, nothing less. What’s written in those are just random poetry hyung."

 

Again, you lied. Those words in that notebook were real. Everything you wrote there came from the bottom of your heart. You poured out your entire heart and soul on each words scribbled in that tiny notebook. Basically that notebook is your other half. You’re companion whenever you’re down and feeling blue. But you lied about its contents. You lied that it’s nothing while it is something special in your heart. Because it is the other you. It is where your thoughts reside. It is where you keep all your secrets. It is a part of who you are.

 

“Hyung, let’s just end this. Let’s go back to what we were before we became this. Let’s make this easier for the both of us. Let me just be your maknae for the rest of our lives. I’ll be the best maknae ever. But we can’t have this.”

 

You struggled to pull yourself out of the thick blanket covering half of your body. You walked toward the door. Looking back at him, you opened the door signaling him to leave.

 

“Hyung, we better stop this. I am not having this conversation with you anymore. I’m ending this no matter what you say. We’re over.”

 

You turned your back on him facing the wall. You felt tears run down your cheek. You tilted your head forward as you tightly close your eyes letting tears fall down. You pointed a finger to the door still signaling him to leave as you now tilt back your head to its normal position, straighten your face trying to mask the pain this is giving you.

 

=====Ji Yong’s POV=====

 

You saw him turn your back at you. You felt a thousand needles prick your heart upon your lover’s gesture. You can’t convince him that you’re serious. So should I give up then? You didn’t move. Your feet were rooted to the spot. You’re mind is spinning. Thousands of words wanted to escape your lips but you didn’t speak. You kept standing there as you hold the notebook tightly in your hands. He’s lying. But where’s the proof. He’s been trying a little poetry writing lately. There might be some truth to the poetry thing he’s saying

 

You saw him point at the door gesturing you to leave. Is this it? You’re over without any decent explanation whatsoever? You looked at his back. His head is tilted forward. He’s crying. You stepped forward a little bit. He put his head up still pointing to the door. You made another step. But he didn’t move. You slowly walked toward him. Only a few feet away from him you whispered, “Are we really breaking up Ri? Are we really ending this?”

 

He nodded in front of you, his back still facing you. I guess it’s time for me to give up.

 

You let go of the notebook. It fell on the floor. Tears start to form again in the corner of your eyes. You hugged him for the last time. Again you whispered, “Thanks for giving me the chance to love you even if you thought it wasn’t real.” He violently shrugged you off from your hug. You stumbled to the floor. You never expected him doing this. After all, this is the last time.

 

So you stood up. You walked out of the door, went straight to your own room. You shut the door behind you. That’s where you break down. And that’s how he broke up with you.

 

=====Seung Ri’s POV=====

 

You heard him whisper behind your back. You desperately wanted to turn around and hug him but you are determined to end this relationship for the lamest reasons. You are giving him up because you’re a coward. You don’t want to face your fears. You are running away from your love. From the person you want to be with for the rest of your life.

 

You felt his hands wrap around you from behind. You heard him thank you for letting him love you. Those words shot daggers at your poor heart. You violently shrug him off of you. His words pains you the most you can't take it.

 

You heard the notebook fell on the floor. You saw him exit through the door. Not even closing it up, you fell to your knees. That’s when you break down. And that’s how you break it up with him. That’s how your whirlwind of a relationship dissolved to thin air.