You could remember him apologizing profusely on your birthday, as well as during the holidays. He apologized for the gifts he gave you, saying he couldn't afford to buy you anything too expensive. He apologized for your dates, explaining that he was unable to pay for fancier restaurants, or take you to places that were rather pricey. He apologized for everything he gave you, always ending it with 'you deserve better.' You would laugh and hug him, leaning up on the tips of your toes and planting a small kiss on his nose. You'd scold him for worrying so much, and tell him that you loved whatever he gave you – because it was from him. You could remember how thoroughly upset he looked with what he gave you or with where he too you, as if he were ashamed that he didn't spend more money on you. The way he looked at you, searching your eyes as if he was looking for a way to confess something to you, had always unnerved you. Though, that moment lasted only a second, and he would smile again, as if all was right in the world.

If you had asked earlier, would that have made a difference at all?

You looked out the window, watching the rain splatter violently against the glass. The weather kept you occupied for only a second longer before you turned away from the grim view, and back to your laptop – where things weren’t any better.

You returned to the article you had been reading for what must have been the tenth time in a span of fifteen minutes. At this point, however, you had long since stopped reading the words on the page – finding them merging together to form illegible sentences and phrases. But you knew the meaning behind all of them: Block B was suing their company for things that made you sick to your stomach to only now find out.

And that was it – that was the one thing that was bothering you the most, wasn’t it?

You were not just any loyal BBC. You were dating Pyo Jihoon, the maknae and rapper of Block B. Your own boyfriend hid this from you since it began. They all did.

The silence in your room was deafening. You were left alone here, with just your thoughts to accompany you. But you didn’t want them around right now. You didn’t want all this confusion, or the aching in your heart. You didn’t want any of this. All you wanted was to see Jihoon.

You wiped your eyes, your palms becoming wet with the tears you hadn’t even realized you began to shed. Your silent sobbing had elevated to a breathless, gasping cry and you thanked the higher beings above that you lived alone. Your fingers pressed against your chest, curling and clawing at where your heart was. With your free hand, you pushed your chair away from your desk – away from your laptop and the news you regretted hearing. You parted your lips, an exasperated intake of air struggling to enter your lungs.

You were helpless in taming the thoughts that ran through your head, piling up as the seconds passed by. In one moment, your world had come crashing down. You shut your eyes painfully as more tears slipped out, rolling down your cheeks and onto your clothes. Why hadn’t he told you? Why hadn’t any of them told you? Why did you feel like you were the last person to know? Why didn’t he trust you why didn’t he tell you why didn’t he share his pain with you why did he keep this a secret why didn’t he tell you why why why why why why why –?

You began to ease your heavy breathing, your trembling hands wiping the tears from your eyes. Had you failed him as a girlfriend? You swallowed hard, ignoring the lump in your throat as your crying gradually stopped. Your steady, yet shaky, breathing filled the room – and you found it to be worse than the silence prior to your crying. The aftermath of weeping was the worst, and even more so when you were alone. The way you felt right now was indescribable. It was as if a hole had been mercilessly been torn into your soul.

But… if that was how you felt, what about Jihoon?

“Oh god.”

You really had been a terrible girlfriend, hadn’t you?

With a sudden burst of energy, you bolted from your chair, scrambling to your desk. “My p–phone,” you mumbled, pushing papers aside. You heard the clatter of pencils and books as they hit the floor, but figured you would clean the mess later – preferably when you could think straight. Your digits made contact with the familiar feeling of your phone and you grabbed it, waking it up post-haste. Within a matter of seconds you had unlocked the phone and brought it to your ear, waiting for your call to connect.

“Please, please, please, please, please pick up.” You chewed on your lip nervously, hearing the familiar beeping until you heard a deep voice speak from the other end. Finally! He –

Hello! This is Jihoon. Please leave a message and I’ll –

Your hand tore the phone away from your ear, and you ended the call. You’ll just call him again, right? No big deal.

But you were met with the same voicemail a second time.

And a third time.

And a fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh – twentieth time.

Your thumb wavered over the END CALL button again, pressing it and swiftly reaching for the CALL button once more.

He was just in another room, right? That must be it. He was eating. He was out with the rest of Block B. He was with their attorney. He was somewhere he just wasn’t there he wasn’t ignoring you he was somewhere he was going to pick up don’t you understand that he’s going to pick up you just had to try again you can’t fail him anymore he needed you he didn’t tell you anything because he doesn’t trust you don’t you get that he’s going to pick up he needed you and you failed him he couldn’t even tell you about any of this what kind of a girlfriend are you he needed you he –

“Please pick up.” Your voice had fallen to a mere whimper.

You were met with the same voicemail message and it hadn’t occurred to you that what you flung at the wall had been your phone until the device left your hand.

You looked at the battery that had fallen out upon the contact, and back to your phone, lying lifelessly on your floor. He couldn’t have been ignoring you, could he? Was he expecting you to have seen that article? Is that why he wasn’t answering your calls? You walked over and snatched up your phone, placing the battery back in. You flipped it over and held a button, watching the now cracked screen lighting up as it once more.

You had to see him. And if he wasn’t answering your calls, then you would simply have to go there yourself.

The few seconds you spent searching for your car keys were a blur, as was the time you took putting your shoes on. Your mind was focused on one thing and one thing only – Jihoon. You ignored the books you knocked over in your hurry, and rushed to your door. You had only just opened the door, ready to run out of it, but had stopped just before your feet had sent you forward – your eyes locked onto the figure standing merely inches away from you, drenched with rain. The figure that looked at you with what must have been one of the most heartbroken expressions you had ever had the misfortune of laying your eyes on.

“Jihoon –.” Without a word he grabbed you and pulled you into his arms, wrapping his around your smaller frame. You pressed your cheek against his chest and held him, your ear catching the rhythmic thumping of his heart. The warmth of his head radiated against the top of your own, and you felt as if all was right in the world – if only for a fleeting moment.

But moments like these never lasted forever.

The sound of his silent crying had brought you back to reality, as did his grip which tightened around you. Within a few seconds, he began to weep loudly, swallowing larger gulps of air. Your eyes began to water too, but not because of how tightly he held you, but of how his fingers dug into your skin. It hurt – but it wasn’t your pain you were feeling; this was his.

You brought him inside, releasing him only for a moment to close the door behind the both of you. Your eyes fell on him when you turned around, seeing the image of an emotionally broken man in front of you. He stood idly in front of you, his damp hair clinging to his head. You couldn’t tell if the water on his face was tears or remnants of the rain that fell, but judging by how he visibly struggled to hold back more tears, you assumed it was the former.

You studied his expression for a few moments, watching the quickened rise and fall of his strong chest, the way his nostrils flared from time to time as he took in sharper intakes of air. His jaw was set, as he did his best to keep the tears at bay for some time longer. Your attention fell onto his shoulders, noticing that they were slumped, as if they were falling with the weight of what he had been carrying for so long. You felt your fingertips brush up against the places where he had grabbed you, catching his tired, onyx hues with your own pair.

He looked lost, like a child. The Pyo Jihoon that stood in front of you right now and the one you had seen on television were two completely different people. You hardly recognized him. Where had that Jihoon gone? The one full of life and laughter, the one who never wasted a moment to strike an endearing pose, or do anything to make someone happy – where did he go?

This stranger was broken.

And you had something to do with that, didn’t you?

You were helpless and you knew nothing. You were clueless and oblivious. You knew nothing and he bore this weight by himself you were to blame too you did this now fix it just fix it you failed him you need to fix it you failed –

You parted your lips, keeping your tone soft and comforting. For even as torn up as you were on the inside, you didn’t dare to show him any weakness. “Oh, Jihoonie…”

He crumbled instantly at the sound of your voice.  Your lover fell to his knees, his head rolling back as the tears flooded his face. The palm of one hand was pressed against the left side of his head as he wept. You dropped down to your own knees, falling in front of him and pulling him towards you. He surrendered himself, burying his head deep in the crook of your neck, his trembling arms binding around your shoulders. You felt his hot tears burn upon making contact with your skin, his breath coming out jagged and quick against you.

“J-jagi,” his deep voice cracked as he attempted to speak through tears. Your right arm rubbed his back soothingly, keeping him as close to you as possible. “I’m so s-sorry.”

You made no effort to stop your own crying, and you rest your head against his, holding onto his shaking body as if it would break at any second. Silent tears fell down your cheeks and you shook your head slowly, a sad smile slowly finding its way onto your lips. “No… why are you apologizing? You… couldn’t trust me, could you? I should be apologizing, silly – … not you.”

You were surprised when he pushed himself away from you, an exasperated expression taking hold of his face. Had you done something wrong already? You racked your brain for any inkling of what offensive thing you may have said, but came up with nothing. . You had ed up again, didn’t you? He deserved someone better – someone who wasn’t as clueless as you someone he could have trusted he deserved better hadn’t you done enough to him already he deserved someone better than you don’t you see that what if he was going to leave you now had you made him feel guilty but why did that even matter he deserved better right he –

 “Trust you? Baby, I –.” Jihoon sniffled, using the ends of his soaked sleeves to wipe his nose. “That’s not why I didn’t tell you!”

You paused and the hundreds and thousands of thoughts in your head had halted, sparing you from further harassment. You had heard right… hadn’t you? He took a moment to regain his composure, as well as a steadier breathing pattern. “I wanted – I thought it would be better to keep this from you… and handle this myself.” He paused. “Ourselves.” He added as an afterthought.

“But –.”

“This didn’t concern you… I didn’t want you to worry. I told Jiho and everyone not to tell you, too. I’m so – I’m so sorry… We all thought that it would get settled b-before something like this happened but …” His voice trailed off, his dark eyes falling from your face to his lap.

“It didn’t.”

He nodded sadly, pressing the backs of his wet hands into his eyes. “That’s why –,” Jihoon began, his lower lip trembling as he continued to speak. “I could never buy you anything very nice or take you out anywhere fancy… That’s why money was so tight, even though we all know my family’s financial status. My family had no choice but to pay for the outfits, for more than what they should have done – I couldn’t do more for you.”

You leaned over and placed your arms around his broad shoulders, your head nestling silently against the dampened fabric of his jacket and the warmth of his neck. He shifted his arms around you again, resting his hands at the small of your back. You held each other in drenched clothes and in silence for a few moments, as you slowly rocked back and forth with him, inhaling the familiar sent of his cologne. You closed your eyes, allowing a tear to escape and fall against his skin as you planted a small kiss on his exposed flesh, sighing deeply against his muscular build.

“Baby, I didn’t need anything so expensive.” You murmured, your lips softly grazing his neck as you spoke. “I need – I need you. I needed to help you.”

You felt his body rumble against you as he spoke, his deep voice reverberating into your ear, quiet and dripping with regret. “I wanted to be strong for myself… For the both of us.”

How silly had you been earlier, throwing yourself into a panic over this? It was something to be worried about, sure, but you came upon the realization that your paranoia over this subject had gone too far. He had tried to protect you. Albeit you were hurt, his intentions were not as bad as you had once assumed they were. It was, needless to say, a relief.

“You should know by now that I’m here for you too…” Jihoon mumbled apologies into your hair, his clutch on you becoming gradually stronger as his words slurred – sloppily turning into quiet sobbing. “Shhh… baby, please – please listen to me. This isn’t something you should have faced alone… I could have helped. I … what good am I for if I can’t help my boyfriend when he’s in pain? I felt like I had failed you, you know. Don’t keep me out of the loop like that…”

He didn’t respond, and you heard his almost inaudible, shaky breathing. You were unsure whether he was waiting for you to continue speaking or not, but you did so without finding out.

“I just … wish you would have said something before. I wish I could have removed at least a third of the pain you’re feeling now, if not more…” You pressed your lips against his neck again, your mouth becoming wet from the rain that remained on his skin.

The man in your arms exhaled as his breathing slowed down, returning to a normal rate. “You’re right… Jagiya, I’m so sorry…”

“Jihoonie, please stop apologizing! It’s okay. You don’t need to act so strong anymore. You have Block B, and … you have me.” Your voice had lowered to a tender hush. “You have me, okay? Let me be strong with you – let me help you be strong.”

“… The money that was stolen from us… the money that my parents had to pay unfairly … the whole goddamn situation with Stardom and I just – … Why is this happening? What did we do to deserve this, jagiya?” Even a deaf man could have heard the grief in his voice.

You held him closer, keeping his large, yet completely vulnerable, body in your protection. What you wouldn’t give to bury his sorrows away. “Sometimes, I guess, bad things happen to really good people – people who don’t deserve it. But, I promise you that things will get better. Whether or not they’re the outcome that you seek, the worst will be over soon.” Your thumb moved against a small part of his back as you spoke. “Please, just endure some more. And allow me to share my strength with you. I care about you, yeah?”

Jihoon slowly pulled himself away from your grasp, only to look at you as you spoke. You removed your arms from around him and cupped his tear-stained cheeks, tinted red from the crying he had done earlier. “I love you,” you added, stressing your statement. “I love you, Pyo Jihoon. And I will help you get through this. As long as you have me, we’re gonna be strong. Together.” You leaned towards him and kissed his cheek, what was left of his salty tears making home on your lips.

A small smile spread across your face, offering him more comfort. “Baby we can make it.” You replied melodically, and a bright grin appeared on his lips, catching your reference.

“How did I ever get so lucky with you?” Jihoon asked, his dark irises looking at you lovingly. You woke up every single day wondering the same thing about him. How funny was that? You felt a small blush sneak up on your cheeks, and you looked away bashfully. He pecked your lips quickly, resting his damp forehead against yours afterwards. “I love you, too.”

You weren’t too sure on what was to come in the battle that your boyfriend and his friends were facing, nor were you certain about just what would happen in the end. But if there was one thing you were sure about, it was that he could face anything. He had been carrying the burden of being strong for longer than he should have. It was a duty that was not meant for one person, and you knew that – which was why you were so certain that whatever hardships lay ahead would be handled more swiftly and hopefully with more ease.

He would face them all with you by his side.

He would be strong.   

author's note: ah, i wrote this all in one go.
which surprised me because i usually spend at least two days
with a fic or chapter before i'm satisfied with it.
i hope you guys liked it.
and i especially hope that things go well for our seven boys.
thank you for reading!