Had he been lied to just by a mere smile?

 

Jongin’s head snapped up when his father put down the glass of water on the kitchen table. His eyes had already drilled a hole into his plate of rice and kimchi. He couldn’t seem to forget what his father had said to him the night of the incident. ‘You’re a disgrace’ echoed in Jongin’s mind day and night. He let out a weary sigh and forced another gulp of sticky rice into his tight throat. He felt a heavy sadness holding down his heart, every sigh he sunk deeper into his hole, every heartbeat felt like a thump punching his wounds, threatening to leave scars.

 

His father couldn’t understand what the big deal was. Jongin for the first time realised that his father had probably never dreamt. He never experienced sunshine at its peak when that vision radiated happiness and stretched all 256 muscles on Jongin’s face. He sighed for the nth time wondering how he could convince a person who had never dreamt.

 

His father ate his dinner peacefully ignoring Jongin’s dejected mood. He had put Jongin on house arrest but realised that his son still had to attend school. Which meant Jongin didn’t know how he could attend his dance lessons if his father was going to drive him to and from school.

 

Every time Jongin came in his father’s presence he held ambivalent feelings towards him.

He didn’t know if he should be the good son and stick to his dreams and inspirations, or be the good son, who realises his mistake and asks for forgiveness. Knowing his father he knew he would be expected to be the latter.

He picked up another ball of rice with his chopsticks and shoved it into his mouth gently, after learning that chopsticks hurt when they’re jabbed into the mouth.

 

Inheriting the stubborn streak from his very own father Jongin figured he would still be grounded. He decided he found no use in apologising for dreaming.

 

----

 

“Yah Jongin!” Lu Han called as he ran to him panting halfway.

 

“Huh, what are you doing here?” Jongin asked looking around to see if his father had driven away. Girls were eyeing the baby face as they made their way inside the school gates.

 

“You disappear for a week and you ask me what I’m doing here?” Lu Han laughed ridiculously, punching Jongin in the arm.

 

Jongin rubbed his arm with a frown, “Sorry,” he apologised half heartedly, “I’m grounded.”

 

Lu Han merely nodded and frowned. He couldn’t say much at that moment, he knew it wouldn’t help, and so he left.

 

Jongin stood there for a moment surrounded by noisy teenagers. He wondered why Lu Han had come to see him only to leave so abruptly. Suddenly a sharp horn beeped and Jongin looked up to see what had disturbed him, it was Lu Han grinning from inside his BMW.

 

“I’ll come by today,” he winked and drove off.

 

Jongin scoffed and walked inside the school gate.

 

---

 

A rhythmic knock was heard from outside, Jongin jumped instinctively and scurried towards the door.

 

A pretty looking and familiar boy greeted Jongin, “Wassup,” Lu Han greeted.

 

“You’re not going to get any manlier hyung if you try to act cool,” Jongin remarked clearly disliking Lu Han’s new greeting.

“I am cool Kim Jongin,” Lu Han stated as frank as possible, annoyed by the fact that Jongin had greeted him with an insult.

 

Lu Han was quite nervous visiting Jongin because he honestly thought Jongin’s father wouldn’t allow him inside. But that didn’t stop him, he was left in the dark as Jongin suffered silently, he couldn’t just stand by and watch. He wanted to help Jongin because he knew what it had been like when no one understood him, when no one was there to help him.

 

“Who’s this?” a stern voice disturbed Lu Han’s thoughts. Jongin cleared the way and his father’s face dropped immediately when he met eyes with Lu Han.

 

Lu Han cleared his throat awkwardly and looked towards Jongin desperately in need of assistance.

“This is Lu Han, a friend,” Jongin introduced avoiding his father’s gaze.

Lu Han would have been unhappy with the title of ‘a friend’ had he not been aware of his tarnished reputation in front of Jongin’s father. He mentally thanked Jongin for not introducing him as his dance teacher.

 

His father nodded, his eyes flickered back to Lu Han scornfully, “And what brings you here?”

 

“I came to help Jongin study for his exams,” Lu Han explained silently wondering if they were actually going to study.

 

His father raised an eyebrow and tilted in question, he scoffed but thought better of it and walked away.

 

Lu Han, breathing a sigh of relief, faked a wipe of sweat on his forehead. Jongin laughed and punched him as he led Lu Han towards his bedroom.

 

----

 

“I already thought about it and there’s no way. I’m pretty sure he’s never even thought about what he wanted in life,” Jongin sighed deeply.

 

Jongin and Lu Han sat on the bed at opposite ends with text books and papers spread out, hoping to leave an impression on his father that they were definitely studying.

 

“You don’t know that for sure Jongin-ah,” Lu Han reasoned.

 

Jongin spoke in a hushed tone of what his father was like the past week, he had already finished explaining all the details when his father surprisingly walked in. Lu Han had literally jumped as the door swung open and his father brought in two glasses of hot chocolate. Jongin was impressed his father had bothered to be a proper host, a tinge of guilt smothered Jongin’s face as his anger over his father made him forget about his father’s soft heart.

 

His mind swam back to the few sweet memories of when his father had wiped sweat off his forehead when he became extremely ill. Jongin was twelve when he was sent home from school after he had fainted playing soccer out in the scorching heat. The school nurse had thought it was merely due to dehydration but his father, who should have been a doctor, knew that was something was wrong. For one week Jongin lay in bed all day while his father had cooked himself and fed his son delicious, warm soup, he even bought a video game for Jongin to play while he left for work, and came back extra early for his only son.

 

“Maybe dad followed grandfather like a puppy,” Jongin continued as his thoughts vanished.

 

“Don’t say that about your dad,” Lu Han argued.

 

“You don’t know what he said to me that night, he wanted me to apologize for lying to him about jumping around a room like a grasshopper.” Jongin quoted with a hint of annoyance in his voice.

 

Lu Han bit down on his lip as he tried not to laugh, “Is that why you’re still grounded, because you haven’t apologised yet?” he asked giving Jongin a blank look.

 

“If he knew what he was really asking me to apologize for,” Jongin sighed.

 

“He’s hurt that you lied to him okay, that’s all there is to it,” Lu Han stated as if it was extremely obvious.

 

“No he’s hurt that I can dream and he can’t,” Jongin fired back as he tried to convince Lu Han.

 

Lu Han breathed deeply before he spoke again, “Look if you apologize maybe he’ll stop grounding you and then you can return back to the dance room, you know it’s awfully lonely there.”

 

“I appreciate the concern but it’ll still be the same, he won’t let me return to the dance room. It’s just not going to happen,” Jongin sighed as he gave up trying to explain to Lu Han.

 

“Stop being so negative okay, and no it is not impossible,” Lu Han claimed as his face lit up.

 

“What? Wait, what do you have in mind?” Jongin questioned as he studied the mischievous grin that registered on Lu Han’s face.

 

Lu Han simply smirked and walked out the door, leaving a confused Jongin. He sighed to himself knowing that it was his fate he found a weird friend. He began to gather the papers and text books. A moment later, his ears perked up to the scuffling noises outside and made his way towards the frosty window. Lu Han was spotted outside playing with the snow,

 

“Talk about 4 dimensional,” Jongin chuckled.

 

 

--

 

Jongin stood outside for waiting for his father at the school gate as usual, he finished his first exam which he didn’t feel so confident about, and especially if he was going to answer his father’s expected 20 questions.

 

His mind flashed back to last weekend when Lu Han’s devious smile spoke of what could be a brilliant idea. In a flash Jongin was gone from the gates.

 

If he was going to apologise to his father it would be at the dance room.

 

----

 

Jongin’s cheap nokia cell phone rung and he picked it up immediately, “You’re around the corner? But I’m not at school.”

 

“What? Where are you?” his father questioned in confusion over the phone.

 

“I’m at the dance studio,” Jongin stuttered.

“What?! What are you doing there?! Get back to school,” his father screeched into Jongin’s hot ears.

 

“Sorry dad,” Jongin said and cut the phone off.
 

A few minutes later he heard his father storm inside and Jongin couldn’t help but smile to himself, his father had already begun shouting for all this nonsense to stop.

 

Luckily Lu Han jumped in and grinned like a stupid fool which only further angered his father.

 

“You put him up to this didn’t you!” his father accused Lu Han.

 

“I only helped him realise,” Lu Han replied in defence blinking innocently.

 

Lu Han was not helping the situation; he was blatantly adding more fuel to the fire as his father’s eyebrow twitched in fury.

 

“Realise what! For god’s sake dancing is just an activity, it’s a hobby, why waste time on jumping around when you can earn money the right way, the way your grandfather did, and his father, ” his father spat disdainfully.

 

Jongin knew he would hear these words one day, and he was ready for it, but he couldn’t hide the fact that it hurt as soon as those words bit through him. His pride, his beliefs, his passion was stabbed painfully, and it rendered a thoughtful expression on his face as he met eyes with his father.

 

“No dad, I realised that dancing brings out the real me, not some person staring at a computer all day, I’m someone who experiences happiness when I’m dancing,” Jongin explained carefully.

 

“Are you insulting me? I bring home food and give you an education, and my son wants to insult me?!”

 

“Dad you’re not listening to me, open your ears. I realised that I can reach my dreams, maybe when you were my age you had a dream but you didn’t realise that if you tried hard enough you could reach it as well, or maybe you didn’t have a choice. But dad, I can reach my dream, but only if you let me,” Jongin’s voice was barely audible as he struggled to continue.

 

His father blinked and Jongin was unable to read his expression. He was slightly shaking as he hoped he could convince his father, up until now he didn’t know how he was going to make his father understand. He didn’t know how he was to shed light into his father’s heart. How was he to convince a man who had never learnt the meaning of reaching for your dreams?

 

“Just watch me dad and you’ll see what I mean,” Jongin smiled.

 

---

 

 

“Okay Jongin, look at me, this is your only chance, this is your dream remember, follow your dream,” Lu Han encouraged hoarsely.

 

Jongin nodded as he heard the words echo inside him. If he failed to impress his dad now than he can kiss goodbye to a future he has always wanted. A nervous sensation settled in his heart but his veins were flooded with determination. He was about to perform in front of his father and he hoped it wouldn’t be the last time.

 

Steadying himself he inhaled a deep breath before exhaling. He found his place and the music began to play at a low sound. A synthesized guitar played the instrumental matching his gestures as he moved from one side of the room to the other. At first his actions were constricted, but then, as the song continued, he loosened up and gave it his all. He felt his body rise with the beat of the music as it paced faster. Although this dance was more powerful and stated, the moves flowed just as easily. His arms fluttered gracefully and he felt as light as a feather whilst his body waved to the music. His body had taken over and all he could hear was the music and his heart. Feeling absolute serenity he expressed his dream through actions that flowed smoothly with the music. He exposed the raw talent he promoted with every stomp as his feet spun off the ground, and with each exaggerated movement, his fluffy hair did that signature flip that only added to the classy effect. He felt like he could dance all the way to the moon, touch it and dance back, feeling the warm twinkle of the stars shining down. Nothing could compare with how he felt right at that moment; everything became in slow motion as he absorbed each second feeling complete.

 

When the song came to an end he landed a perfect twirl. He let out an exhale and opened his eyes slowly. To his already crushed pride his father still harboured an expressionless face. Lightly panting he approached his father who had been watching from the railing. Somehow he felt a bit more confidence seep through but his breathing was still shaky.

“I’m sorry I lied to you and took lessons secretly,” Jongin took a deep breath, “Am I forgiven?” He asked his father uneasily.

His father gave him a long empty look, so long he felt his confidence drain away the minute it had flowed in.

 

He was tired of his father telling him what was appropriate and what childish play was. He could never even live up to his father’s expectations had he given up on dancing and chosen to take down the path of his ancestors.  He knew that he would fail all those exams and by the time his father would realise it would have been too late. Jongin couldn’t risk that, he did not want to wait, not when he had the opportunity to play it out differently. He would’ve guessed that his father didn’t want to forgive him just yet because he was just as stubborn.

 

So he did the unthinkable making the pretty boy watching the scene gasp.

 

Jongin knelt down in front of his father and bowed his head. He cleared his throat and straightened his shirt, “Dad I’m sorry for dreaming.”