My name is Donghae, I am currently in my first year of university. Well, as a short summary of who I am, I am obviously a boy, the youngest in the family and therefore, I am quite childish, loves attention on me most of the time and I am quite handsome. Well the proof is the constant confession I get during high school and now at the university as well. To be honest I don’t really find myself handsome at all. I am very insecure of myself though people keep complimenting me. I came from a quite well off family as well. I may not be freaking rich but my father is quite capable himself. I have a lot of friends and my family basically spoilt me especially my parents and my grandpoarents. I am quite smart and therefore I have decent grades, well if almost full mark is decent. (I am just being hard on myself) 

Well, to sum it up, I have a great life, with all that I have. I am grateful, really but no matter what, I never felt genuinely happy. For example, no matter how good my grades are already, I will always beat myself up thinking that I could be better or there are people who are way better. Or my looks, I always feel insecure of my face no matter how many people thinks opposite. Other than that, I have friends and family members that are the best and who are always there for me but why do I feel lonely all the time. 

Here it is, I a bit erm let say, swings the other way. I had my share of girlfriends in high school but that time I don’t realized that I swing the other way round. I was so naïve and I thought that having girlfriends is important during that period. At the end of my high school, I realized it and I stopped dating completely. I don’t want to lead anyone and I definitely don’t want to hurt anyone. It didn’t stop me from flirting around though because obviously I have to cover myself up. People keep bothering me why don’t I have any girlfriend so I pretend to be one guy that well flirts around with girls. 

I feel lonely because I don’t want any girlfriend but I want a boyfriend. One that will take care of me and spoilt me rotten. I blame my childish self and the constant need to get attention all the time. Don’t get me wrong, I am not sissy at all, I am quite manly and I definitely had a quite nice body as well, courtesy of the gym. I just love being a kid, a person that needs attention and protection. I was just born with that personality. I just always wanted to be held in someone embrace, I had always love the attention, the love and all those things a girl wants their boyfriend to do to them. Sigh, why do I have these kind of feeling. Isn’t it easier if I just feel like a guy, one that offers rather than wanting it?

I wanted a boyfriend and I am sure if I just offer myself out, I am sure there will be bound a gay guy that will take me because please, people keep saying how hot I look but here the catch, I want the guy to be the one I like not just random guys and secondly I am afraid of telling myself out that I am gay. I am sure my parents can take it, well my mom that is, not so sure about my dad. But they wont throw me away. But the society? I am not sure because I am sure I will be discriminated. So its hard, what if I found that one guy I like, I confess, but he came out to be a homophobe. I will be beaten to death, worst, he tells everyone and my life is over.


Okay, here is the main story, I actually found a guy I like. He is handsome, that is for sure. Actually, to be honest, I just shrugged him off as another handsome guy I came across.Well I always search and survey all those handsome boys after I came across the fact that I am gay. But this one guy attracts me to the extend that I want to change the fact that instead of just categorizing him as another crush, I want it to be more. Well at least be friends. The fact that he studies at the same university makes it more difficult to ignore my feelings since I always see him at the hallways, corridor, library and just literally everywhere.
This feeling is making me depressed. It makes me want to have a relationship. I want to be like those normal couple. I want to be in a relationship where I am the one that being spoiled. I want him. I wanted him to spoil or hug me. 

I had always watched him from afar, looking at him. He is quite popular as well. Well, first, he is damn hot, and secondly he is very friendly, well from what I observed that is. He is quite athletic as well since he join university sport club. Sigh, He is always on my mind but I am sure in his head, Lee Donghae does not exist.
It has been a few months that I have these feelings for him. It lingers in my heart and I am slowly trying to accept the fact that, we, will never be together. Firstly, the both of us are very different; we don’t hang out with the same type of crowd. He is quite an outgoing guy that I am sure will party all the time with his friends. Thirdly, I am sure he is damn straight. Look at his face and his personality. He has this Casanova look and with all the girls around him, it just proves it. He just screams a playboy that prefers y girls around him instead of a gay disgusting boy like me. I wanted to give up because he clearly doesn’t know I exist and the thought that we would cross path is just impossible.

That is until I bumped into someone when I was deep in my thoughts about him when I was walking to my extra class that I just allocated myself in this month. I fell down and unfortunately I am the only one who is on my on the floor. Being a big baby I was, I unconsciously whine and pout while mumbling how my hurt while cursing at whoever bumped into me. 

When I heard a chuckled coming from above me and a pair of leg in front of me that I realized that the person who bumped onto me is still there. When I heard the person speaks, only than I realized who is the one who 
bumped onto me. I immediately looked up and I can feel the heat rushing to my cheeks when I realized who it is.

“Are you ok?” the guy looked down at me with an amusing smile plastered on his face while offering his hand to me. I was speechless and the only word I can mutter is that

“hyukjae…” and I swear the grin on the guy face just gotten wider and my face turns redder.