I will be updating Just Another Nothing after this  I will explain why I’ve been gone for so long then. Sorry this is short and was typed in a rush. For now, Enjoy~

6:30 AM December 31, 2012.

I sighed, Why did I always wake up so early? Today was going to be an endless day. I am still for several minutes my gaze glued on ceiling. I tried to concentrate on seeing what shapes I could find in the small bumps but my mind would not give up. His face took over my thoughts. My heart tightened, as if someone had plunged a knife through my chest. It was my fault too. I made his beautiful smile turn into a confused and broken frown. I made his bright eyes spill out tears. All because of me; I did not wish to do it. But I had to, because I was going to hurt him either way. I had broken up with him for a good reason. I refused to use his name, if I did I’d go back and I could not afford to go back. I took a deep breath and hauled myself out of bed. There was no going back now. Today was the beginning of the end.

7:00-11:00 AM December 31, 2012.

I really don’t remember much of this it’s really a blur. I spent most of it in the bathroom taking a bath, which was really just sitting in a tub of cold water thinking about everything. There is nothing more pathetic than a guy sitting in a cold tub of water for 3 hours then laying on the floor wrapped in towels being too depressed to get dressed for the next 2 hours. I can’t wait till this is all over. 

12:00 PM December 31, 2012.

I had to turn my phone off. The texts were endless, from friends asking: What is going on? Why had I ended it? Did I need someone to talk to? Was I okay? And then there were the ones from him:  Kibum? Please answer me, we need to talk...I love you. Did I do something wrong? You said you still loved me... So why? You said it had to be like this but it doesn’t have to... If you would just tell me what was going on... Please, Kibum. I need you.  I couldn’t take it anymore, I turned the device off hands shaking as I did. Tears had been rolling down my face for a while silently traveling down my face to slowly drip off of my chin. This was more than hard. I had tried to distract myself with books, TV shows, video games, anything! But it didn’t work my mind was racing with thoughts of what would happen after today. How would everyone react? Would it work? Would it fail? Could I truly do it? ... How would he react? I shook my head thoughts like that would only make me falter. There was no choice I knew what I had to do and I was going to do it.

Some might call me a coward, and perhaps I am but I had to do this. I doubt most of my friends would understand because what was wrong with my life? I had great friends, I had a wonderful (now ex) boyfriend, I was working my way towards my dream job. Everything was perfect. Or at least that is how it seemed. Sometimes I liked to pretend everything was perfect but that dull empty feeling that had  haunted me since adolescence and sent me through many  years of therapists, antidepressants and such. The feeling I thought I had left in my past but I should’ve known it would come back simply because it always does. For some godforsaken reason I could never have true happiness. Depression always ate at me slowly from the inside. This time was going to be the last though. I knew I’d be hurting my loved ones but I couldn’t do this anymore. Nothing had worked, I had tried to get help so many times before but nothing worked. Not even the love of my life could keep the depression away for good.  It just wasn’t worth it. Why should I do anything at all when you are just going to die in the end just like everyone else? In the whole scheme of things I made almost no difference. Happiness was amazing but what purpose did it serve when it would just go away? When everything would just go away? I’d rather just get this over with than have to go through life. I’m not strong enough for this. I have tried so very hard but I can’t do it. I’m sorry.

3:15 PM December 31, 2012.

Pathetic was the only word to describe what I was doing right now. I was back in bed clutching the pillow that was his. I had broken up with him yesterday; he had packed some of his things and left. He would return to get the rest later. I couldn’t help it. I love him so much. Hurting him like I had done less than 24 hours ago was agonizing. His tears had almost made me change my mind. But I was stronger than that, no matter how much it hurt this had to be done. So now I was here being pathetic clinging to his pillow. It smelled like him and it bought tears to my eyes. Soon I lost it I was flat out sobbing. I could barely breathe it hurt so badly. Maybe I didn’t have to do this. Maybe I could call him. We could work things out. We were always so happy together. Perhaps I can live; it might not be that hard. Maybe it could just work. I began to sob harder because I knew it would never work. It could never be worth it.

I don’t know how long I had laid there crying, surrounded by memories of him. But eventually I stopped crying. I was exhausted at this point and my eyelids grew heavy so I fell asleep curled up with his pillow. The dream I had was heartbreakingly beautiful. Perhaps I really didn’t want to die and my brain was trying its hardest to fight me so that I could live but I was very stubborn. No matter how wonderful the dream was I would not change my mind. Even if I knew I could fix this and go get him back I would not do it. Depression had won over me, I couldn’t fight it anymore. 

6:45 PM December 31, 2012. 

I had woken up about an hour ago and I had now resigned myself to laying on the couch and being miserable. I thoughtlessly ate away at a bag of chips that were my favorite when I had the motivation to enjoy them. But right now they really didn’t taste like anything. I could get up and get something better but I didn’t feel like it. I was cold too but again I’m too pathetic to get up and get a blanket. I don’t deserve one anyway, I’m a horrible person. I sighed turning over so I faced the cushions so I wouldn’t have to see how empty this place looked without him. Feeling the urge to curl up in a pathetic ball of shame I decided to finally get  a blanket. So I went to retrieve one carefully ignoring everything that could possibly remind me of him. Which was impossible but I tried anyway. So I got my blanket returned to the couch wrapped myself in my new blanket of shame and stare blankly at the cushions. It dawned on me that this was how I was spending my last day earth. Alone, pathetic, and depressed. Either crying or wrapped in a blanket of shame. It was so pitiful it was almost amusing so I laughed. For some reason I began to laugh harder and I couldn’t stop. It was just so sad it was funny. Or maybe I’m going crazy but it doesn’t matter I’m dying in a few hours anyway.  I managed to fall on the floor in my laughter; curled up in a ball clenching my stomach laughing at how pathetic I was.

8:50 PM December 31, 2012.

There isn’t much to say now is there? I’ve been laying on the floor for almost two  hours because I’m too lazy to get up and there’s really no reason to anyway. All that’s left to do for me is wait.

11:50 PM December 31, 2012.

I was shaking because I was terrified. I had made sure everything was prepared. I had several envelopes left on my coffee table in the living room each for a person in my life offering them an apology and an explanation of why I had to do this. I left my front door unlocked so whoever came here would have no trouble getting in to find me... I just hoped it would not be him. Time was ticking by every so slowly, each second bringing me closer to the end. Closer to freedom.

11:59 PM December 31, 2012.

This was it, I had flipped the TV on and the countdown to the new year began. I watched as people cheered and fireworks went off. I had everything I needed this was it...

10...

9...

8...

7...

6...

5...

4...

3...

2...

I love you Jonghyun... I’m sorry. 

1...

It was almost like the loud cheering coming from the TV was for me... Like everyone was cheering for my death. A tear escaped one last time and everything went black. Finally it was over. It was all over.

Hope you enjoyed~