I remember looking in his eyes the moment he told me that he loved me oh how my heart began to flutter and I knew this was where I was supposed to be, who I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with because he was my life without him I would be nothing have nothing. I quickly responded with my own I love you which filled my eyes with tears and I sobbed shamelessly into his arms the rest of the night I was scared. I was used to being alone I had never had someone care so much for and want to help me before it was strange it felt foreign to me to be honest he open my hear to new things before I was afraid to cry I was afraid to love I was afraid to be loved but he cured that he made me feel new he made me feel like me again that I was somebody worth something.

After that moment we moved pretty fast, hundreds of sweets kisses shared. Firsts were experienced and last were enjoyed; days were spent holding each other as we whispered our feelings to one another. I felt empty without you near, it may sound needy but you had become part of who I was and without I was lost.

After time we moved into together and began our life together as a married copule which opened up new opportunity and who would have thought more love to share our hearts grew together as we shared many passionate night in our bed yerning for one another needing them more than ever and showing our most vulnerable sides to each other which made us feel much closer “I will love you as long as I live Taemin” was a line I heard often but not often enough and it always brought a fresh batch of tears to your eyes to be lucky enough to have someone that loved you that much.

Nothing is perfect fights were common by any means mainly started over something stupid and escalated by you mostly as you could be a little dramatic at times but that is what he loved about you and even when you through plates in his direction claiming to hate him and telling him this was a mistake, he could see you were scared so he tried to calm your down. He held you tight when you fell to the ground and broke down in front of him screaming for him to get off you and leave but he tightened his grip around you and swore he would ‘never let you go.’ He would hold on as you spat hurtful words and tried to fight him until you tired yourself out and he carried you to bed and when you woke he would be on the chair next to your bed ready to apologise and tell you “he never wanted to fight or for you to go to bed angry at him for any reason.” And all was forgiven.

Those memories’ flooded your head as you sat in your room alone on your shared bed with tears streaming down your cheeks.

You remembered the moment you adopted your precious baby girl lily Ella and brought her home to the room you both spent many nights painting pink and buying unicorns and soft teddies to cover every inch of it. you smiled at the thought of that and how most of the oaint ended up on your clothes or his face and some on the floor . The next memory wasn’t as pleasant the moment he told you he was leaving and never coming back.

Both of you sat side by side in the doctor’s office as you gripped his arm as tight as your body would allow. When the doctor told you that Minho was terminally ill and had 4 months to live. You broke down once again even though it was Minho who was dying he didn’t once shed a tear that day. He just stayed quiet and held you and your precious daughter as you tried to hold it together for him so you could cherish the last moments you had with him before his life were to end.

To minho

The day you got diagnosed I thought I was never going to stop crying over you to know that our time was limited to years or even months that in some part of my life I was never going to hold your hand or feel your sweet butterfly kisses on my neck wake up with our bodys tangled next to each other as we promised.   I would never here you whisper those 3 sweet words I longed to hear .That lily ella would never know her daddy .                                                                             you would be nothing never smiling or shouting or even breathing ever again you would be gone forever just like that.

I remember our last good byes our last kiss before you left me alone forever never being able to fill this gap in my heart again never hearing you laugh or cry never hearing you say the words I love you ever again. I can feel my heart ache every second your not here with me knowing we will never have a again have a first and everything we have ever done will be our last

To be honest I don’t think I can live a day without you in my life knowing I can and will never love someone again bond to think what could have been

Spending my nights in our bed alone with no one to comfort me or put up with my silly moods no one to use my aygeyo on when I want something I cant have

This isn’t fair Minho why couldn’t have been me instead of you why did I have to be the one to live in this pointless world without you..

I remember crying for hours thinking the pain would never go away and trying not to let you know how hurt I was so you wouldn’t suspect and make it harder for you because in this matter you had no choice Minho and it was your fate that  horrible fate you had. Why you.  Why when we got married. Why when we had a beautiful baby girl.

I still cry every night since your gone I don’t think I will ever be the same I don’t  think I will be able to forgive this world for what it has done.                                                                                        it has turned you into nothing but a corpse I the ground with no life no love . . nothing  and I have to try and face the fact you are never coming back to love me to hold me when I cry and fix my mistakes when I mess up that you will never come through the door with open arms as I jump up and plant you with kisses as I wrap my legs around your waist to distracted you from the fact that I hadn’t made dinner that night

I will never hear you sing in the shower or have you sing me to sleep

The last couple of days were the worst the weaker you got the less I was able to eat or function properly knowing it was really true that you will be eventually leaving me forever leaving your umma and appa your baby brother , your bestfriends jonghyun and key and your hyung onew .. the conversations you used to have about girls with onew and you promised him you would never tell but secretly told me when you got home .. the way you call me baby and wipe away my tears when I broke down after a fight that I probably started over nothing and you always ended up apologising whether it was your fault or not.

The hardest part is lily ella always crying and asking where appa is and if he is ever coming back  and I can never answer I always just say hes gone far away to a better place before I sneak off to my room when shes asleep and cry myself to sleep it’s the only way I can sleep by tiring myself out like this.

I really miss you Minho and I wish I could be with you and lily ella together one happy family but I guess that will never happen.

As I wrote the letter and cried uncontrollably, I felt a small hand on my cheek and I turn to see lily Ella smiling “ don’t cry umma, appas happy in heaven he is looking after us, I promise .” I couldn’t help but laugh at my precious baby where did she learn this “my smart girl .” I grabbed her and placed her on my lap hugging her tightly. “ Appa loved you, you do know that.” I kissed her forehead rocking her back and forward, she replied “I know mummy, he loved you to.” She turned to kiss me on the cheek as she rested her head on my chest “he sure did." I whispered.

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ive been wanting to right this one for ages finally did it >.<