He feels so lost. Seated in his balcony, he stares at the clouds, the air cool and breezy with the hint of rain. He could see the darker clouds forming, under the lighter ones, like gray against white cotton wool patches of the blue sky peeks through them and he sighs, wondering for not the first time, why the sky is blue. He leans against the railing, arms hanging down between the spaces, his cup of morning coffee cooling down at his side. He knows that he should drink it, because he hates the taste of coffee gone cold, but he doesn’t, opting to gaze at the steam swirling out of the black mug.

He shifts his gaze back to the blue patch in the sky, latching on it like it is his lifeline, observing the way it brightened up the otherwise dark expanse of the sky. And then he hears the sound of distinct thunder, rumbling in the distance. He budges a little, the cement digging into his tailbone and stretches his long legs in front of him, knocking the side of his coffee as he does. His feet doesn’t stay in, they dangle out of the balcony through the spaces of the railing. He takes the mug in his hand and sips a little, face wrinkling at the luke-warmth of it, leans back against the sliding door behind him and sips again, thinking of the day ahead.

It’s seven in the morning and the sun isn’t shining as it should be today, hidden by the clouds and he thinks as he goes back to the patch of blue sky, that maybe he should work on—he gives a start of dismay. He searches, eyes going to the left and right of the sky but finds that his patch of blue sky, it had disappeared in the clouds. He can’t help but feel disappointed. It’s as if he is being abandoned. Which is a silly thought of course because it’s just a patch of sky.

But he feels lost and he doesn’t know why.

Three years, it has been three years since he fell in love. The problem is, he hasn’t fallen out of it yet.

He remembers the day when he had finally confessed. Not willingly of course because it was Luhan who pushed him to it.

“Chanyeol,” the other had said, eyes bright and intense. It was the last day of high school and they were running around, shoving cake in each others’ faces when Luhan had grabbed him.

“Ah hyung,” he had said, smiling. “Didn’t see you for a while.”

Luhan had nodded all impatient and motioned him to come closer. Chanyeol bent down, curious and when Luhan spoke, his eyes widened.

“You still like Wu Fan don’t you?” At Chanyeol’s blush he smirked. “He came with me here today. Didn’t you see him?”

Chanyeol shook his head, blushing and speechless. It had been so long. So ing long. Luhan gave an exasperated sigh and muttered. “What is wrong with the two of you. Wait here,” he ordered and ran off, presumably to bring Wu Fan to him.

Chanyeol stood at the corridor, rooted in his spot because yes, he was still in love with Wu Fan, had been secretly in love with him for two years and it was also a surprise for him for his hyungs to come and see him graduate. Wu Fan and Luhan were his seniors and had left school last year, all ready for the world. He found it amazing to know that they came back to school to watch their favorite dongsaengs leave school as well. A rush of affection went through him for his hyungs, and especially for Wu Fan.

He saw Luhan come back with Wu Fan and Sehun in tow but he pretended that he didn’t notice and stared at his shoes. He was nervous.

“Chanyeol.”

His nerves shivered at his voice, the voice he could recognize anywhere because he was too attuned to its tone and cadence. It reminded him of long talks through the phone, the voice loud next to his ear, of days filled with basket ball matches and betting on ice-cream on who could get points the most at a given time. It reminded him of the other’s warmth, the kindness, his intelligence and humor and everything that was Wu Fan, Wu Fan, and Wu Fan.

“Hyung,” he said, turning to meet his eyes, shy. The other was standing before him, stubble under his chin a broad grin on his face. He held his arms wide. Chanyeol hesitated, glancing at Luhan’s eager face (Luhan had always supported Chanyeol and Wu Fan because he thought that they were perfect for each other) and Sehun’s bored one and then lastly to Wu Fan’s expectant face.

Chanyeol smiled and went into his arms, hands automatically grabbing at each other around his back. They stayed like that for a few seconds, not long enough to be deemed inappropriate but long enough to show how close they were. Chanyeol was the one who stepped away first, trying to keep his blush under check.

“It’s been a while,” Wu Fan said, eyes brightening as he looked over him. “How have you been after the last call?”

Chanyeol grinned at that. They had talked over the phone, at nine o’clock last Friday night, as Wu Fan left for work. Wu Fan worked in a bank on night shifts, having decided to do his studies part time during the day. Chanyeol didn’t know how he coped.

“Same old,” he said, chuckling. They stared at each other, warm yet awkward and that was when Luhan stepped in, the evil scheming Luhan.

“Wu Fan,” he said excited. “Did you know that Chanyeol likes you?”

What.                                                                                                                                              

Chanyeol looked at Luhan, eyes bugging out as Sehun choked and Wu Fan stared. Someone just kill him, he thought. Or maybe, it would be quicker for him throw himself off a cliff.

“Urm,” Wu Fan had said, eyes going from Luhan to Chanyeol and Luhan was all, “Tell him Chanyeol-ah!”

Chanyeol stuttered, cheeks hot and fingers tight. “But but—” Luhan glared, “Uh  I-I liked you for a long time. And I-uh-I—”

His heart was beating fast and he couldn’t seem to look at Wu Fan. He wanted to cry. But he had to man up.

“Well, I don’t know whether I still like you but sometimes I feel like I do and—”Chanyeol prattled on and grinned because he knew that would save him face and said, “it doesn’t matter whether you like me or not, it’s just that I like you and I just want you to know that.”

He peeked a glance at Wu Fan and his stunned expression, his hands which were clutching air. Sehun was laughing and Baekhyun, Baekhyun who had seen them and had come over was staring and Luhan was hooting.

As Wu Fan continued to stay silent, Chanyeol cleared his throat. And babbled. “You know what, I don’t really want to know your answer. I would still love to be friends with you and my feelings aren’t that important and—”

He glanced at Baekhyun, finding his refuge in his eyes and just said, “I’ll j-just go now.”

And he grabbed Baekhyun and fled.

He is still thankful at Baekhyun for being there that day.

Later, Wu Fan had come and talked to him, saying that it was a surprise and that they had really good chemistry but that he hadn’t really thought about it and Chanyeol made him shut up because he really didn’t want to hear it. The excuses.

“Hyung,” he had said serious, the sound of the basket ball pounding against the court loud in his ears, “Don’t worry about my feelings. If you don’t like me, that is okay. My friendship with you is more than enough for me and frankly, I am not ready for a relationship this soon.”

He glanced away from Wu Fan's unreadable face to Baekhyun who was trying to do a three-pointer. His best friend kept glancing over, unreadable as well but his mask was loose enough for Chanyeol to see that he was concerned. Chanyeol gave him a small smile and that was when Wu Fan spoke.

“Is that okay?”

His voice was small as he glanced at him and Chanyeol nodded. Wu Fan smiled, awkward but it wasn’t the same.  

Chanyeol now wishes that he hadn’t babbled on like that, that he hadn’t spoken that way to protect his pride and that he hadn’t been so afraid on been rejected.

He wishes that maybe, he could have had a chance because Wu Fan, even though it has been almost an year since then, Wu Fan still talks to him.

He would call at random moments and they would talk for hours, and Chanyeol would listen to him talk, rolling himself in that voice of his. Kind, deep, calm and just a little husky at the end of sentences, Chanyeol reveled in it. They would talk about friends and their day and Wu Fan’s work and the new places they went to and then in insecure voices, Chanyeol would ask him whether he found someone significant yet. Wu Fan would sigh and reply no with a choked laugh and ask the same. Chanyeol knows that Wu Fan knows that he likes him, still does, but he says, no, I haven’t found anyone yet. Then they would laugh together, bittersweet and Chanyeol’s heart would twinge, head filling with what ifs. But he doesn’t ask anything he thinks and lets the conversation slide to another topic because he is a ing coward.

 He thinks that now, three years after falling in love with him he knows everything to know about Wu Fan but he is wrong. Because one day he sees in a picture on Facebook, Wu Fan with a group of friends in a club, drinking.

Wu Fan was never the type to drink. And that was the day Chanyeol knew that he had changed.

Calls became infrequent, like once in every three months and that change, it made him miss him even more. Sometimes Chanyeol would pick up his phone and dial his number to hear that it was switched off. And on other times the dial tone just goes on and on. He hates it.

There would be messages not replied, of wall posts left unanswered even when it’s so clear that Wu Fan is online. Chanyeol doesn’t know what to think of it. Except that he knows that its time to move on.

Because Wu Fan has changed. Wu Fan had grown up without Chanyeol and Chanyeol feels like he is being left behind, the space between them too side too catch up though how hard he tried. Wu Fan isn’t the same person Chanyeol knew and he doesn’t know what to do.

Being in love is ridiculous. Being unable to fall out of love is even more. Chanyeol is back in his room, taking out sheets of papers and assignments, wondering which one he should start first when his Facebook notification bar lights up. Chanyeol clicks on it and sees that it is a friend request. He checks the name. It is familiar.

Hyuang Zitao. Wu Fan’s co worker and drink buddy.

He knows this because he stalks Wu Fan’s Facebook. He has seen the too friendly arm around Zitao, the grins on their faces, hips close to each other. In almost every picture Wu Fan posts, he is there. And then in almost every status he puts up, he is there.

Chanyeol thinks that maybe he is being a little pathetic but what if he could ask Wu Fan directly about his relationship with Zitao, what Wu Fan would say. But Chanyeol is a coward. So when that question comes to mind in those rare calls, he shoves it aside and instead blabbers about the new café Baekhyun discovered.

He’s too scared to lose this thread connecting him with Wu Fan.

Three years ago, this thread was a nylon wire, faint but there. And then it progressed to a rope, a thick strong rope and Chanyeol thought their friendship would last forever. Wu Fan was easy to be with, they were easy to be together, it came natural to them. But after the confession, and after Wu Fan got his new job, the rope started to disappear. Bit by bit, with every ignored message and missed calls, it started to fade away to this pitiful thread, keeping them together. Chanyeol thinks that maybe this thread was there because he works so hard for it. He invests so much, even though he gets hurt every time. He has learnt to lower his expectations because when it came to Wu Fan, you shouldn’t expect too much. Chanyeol had his heart bled, twinge in pain and hurt because he is too stupid to let go.

Chanyeol clicks on the friend request and pressed ‘accept’.

He gets a message saying, Hey thanks for accepting the request.

Chanyeol stares, not believing it because Hyuang Zitao was talking to him and what is he supposed to do because he doesn’t like him.

Hi, he types. You are welcome. :) He feels particularly pathetic in putting that smiley. Because he doesn’t want to smile.

He hears the front door open and Baekhyun calling out, “I’m home!”

“In my room!” he shouts back and reads the reply.

I’m Wu Fan coworker and I have heard a lot about you. He talks about you all the time. I thought that maybe we could be friends.

Chanyeol doesn’t know what to do.

“Yo,” Baekhyun said, pressing a cold soda into his neck with his greeting. Chanyeol jumps and swats it away.

“What?” his best friend asks, opening the can. Chanyeol watches him down it in one gulp and wonders why he hasn’t had any romantic feelings at him. At always-there Baekhyun. Because it would have been so much easier.

“Nothing,” he says. “It’s just this guy…Wu Fan hyung’s coworker. He’s chatting with me.”

Baekhyun’s eyes are sharp when he reads the laptop screen over his shoulder.

“Oh,” he scoffs when he reads Zitao’s message. “He talks about you all the time? Who is he kidding?” Baekhyun takes another gulp and glares at the screen.

“Tell him to off Yeol. He doesn’t need your attention.”

Chanyeol stares at him, surprised at the fierceness but then Baekhyun looks back and states, “You know what? I hate that guy, Wu Fan.”

Chanyeol gives him a sad smile. “I know,” he says tiredly, because he had heard this a thousand times. And he had heard Wu Fan return the sentiment ‘I hate Baekhyun’ too. He never understood why they hated each other but they did. Maybe it is one of those things.

He ends up not replying to Zitao.

Even though Baekhyun doesn’t approve of his crush/love for Wu Fan, Luhan whole heartedly does. When they last met, it was during a fair where they were all invited and Chanyeol had spent the day with Wu Fan eating lollipops and hot dogs and having fun when Luhan had asked, “Do you still like him?”

Chanyeol had stared and shrugged. “I-I don’t know.”

Luhan’s too-wise gaze pierced Chanyeol and he looked away hurriedly, watching Wu Fan buy three sets of drinks for them.

“Wait,” Luhan said. “I’m telling you to just wait. Wait until he pulls his together.” Chanyeol shook his head. “I don’t know. I don’t know if it is worth waiting.” He glanced away not wanting to see the sad look in Luhan’s eyes as he said that.

The next time Wu Fan calls him is for Christmas. It is several months later after the last call and almost eight months later since Chanyeol last spoke to him face to face. It is Christmas and Baekhyun had gone back home while Chanyeol doesn’t care much about it anyway because he is alone in the apartment, away from home and he has assignments to complete. He just has a wreath at the door and that’s it. He is busy writing notes on different ways a child could give out signs that he is upset when his phone rings.

He has put a specific ringtone to Wu Fan’s number, Incubus’ Drive, and when he hears it now his heart does the familiar leap. Chanyeol stares at the phone, feeling oddly disappointed at himself because why hasn’t he fallen out of love yet, and if he had, his heart wouldn’t be racing this fast to the sound of that ing ringtone. He had thought that maybe he had been successful at moving on, with all those days of kissing Kyungsoo in secret but he is wrong. So wrong. He hasn’t moved on.

He watches the way the name ‘Wu Fan’ blinked on the screen and he debated, should he pick up or not? His hand hovers over the device, on the fence. He sighs, and picks up the call.

“Hey Chanyeol-ah, Merry Christmas!”

Chanyeol unconsciously smiles at his voice. “Merry Christmas hyung.”

He still doesn’t know what to do. Hope still lingers in his heart with each call Wu Fan takes and he knows that he is being stupid, but still it is hope. Chanyeol thinks how Baekhyun would scold him if he knew how he still pines for Wu Fan. But he never regrets falling in love with Wu Fan. He is just a little lost, that’s all.

“How are you? It’s been a while right?”

Chanyeol takes in a deep breath, taking in the woodsy smell of his apartment and Baekhyun’s aftershave, the scent still lingering even though it has been a week since he left. He reads a quote he had stuck on the wall in front of his desk which read, ‘Carpe Diem’. Seize the day. It was something Wu Fan had taught him. Is he brave enough to seize today? he asks himself.

“Chanyeol-ah?” says the warm voice in his ear and all those feelings he still has in him come out. His heart practically aches under the onslaught. He takes in a deep breath again.

“Yeah I’m here. Always.”

He hears Wu Fan’s silence at that and he hesitates. Will this ruin their relationship? Chanyeol hears him sigh softly.

But he doesn’t care, he is too tired of waiting, of being suspended in midair, the ends being Wu Fan and Moving On. And because he can’t move on, he has to do something.

“Chanyeol.” His hyung’s voice sounded tortured and so sad and it’s just too much.

“Hyung,” he says, “I need to tell you something.” He decides that he should stop being a coward. At least this once.

“W-what?”

“I still like you.”