Dark. It was dark.

Those were the only suitable words that I could think of to describe the world outside.

The room.

My life.

I lifted my head that was resting on my knees. My forehead was feeling slightly numb from pressing against my kneecaps. But, that sensation was nothing compared to what am I really feeling right now. Insignificant. Easy to ignore. It was a wonder that I could still register that small amount of physical discomfort.

I stared around the room. A private chalet near the seaside. We used to come here almost every holiday. My surroundings were shrouded in darkness. There was no source of brightness in my place. Light from the outside world made their way inside the room, just enough to make out the outlines of the furniture. Thousands of memories of us came back to me and started to play in my head like one long continuous movie. Happy ones. In my mind’s eye, I could almost see phantoms of each and every one of us having good times together. Every smile and laugh that was in the ongoing film in my mind sent a stab of pain to my heart. It feels as if I was stabbed with a hot twelve inch knife repeatedly without stopping at the same spot.

The pain was unbearable. It feels like every single part, every fiber, of you being ripped apart simultaneously. I never knew that a person could experience so much pain and not die from it. My physical wellbeing was fine. Emotionally and mentally, I was slowly fading away. Both my mind and body have gone completely numb and unresponsive. It was as if I have shut down like a computer since I first heard the news.

Crying.

 I thought bawling my eyes out would ease the emotional burden that has being weighing me down for awhile now. I thought of venting my feelings through sobbing and shouting loudly like the world didn’t exist. But…

The tears never came.

As much I wanted to cry until I go blind, clear liquid refused to escape from my eyes. Irritated, I tried to let out my feelings by other means.

“Hae Rin?”

I didn’t hear the door give its usual creak when it opens nor did I see it being pushed from the other side. Maybe I did. Maybe I didn’t. I just don’t know anything anymore. I just don’t care anymore. If there was an earthquake or volcano eruption, the news wouldn’t give me an impact of any kind.

I didn’t need my eyes to identify the person who just disturbed my solitude. I heard his voice thousands of times before, a deep calming tone that never failed to cheer me up in some way. Except now.

The sound of his footsteps got louder as he began to approach me. I could hear the hesitation in his thud of his shoes against the wooden floor. I didn’t acknowledge his presence in any way. Instead, I kept my sight on the opposite wall of the room, not really taking in the images formed by my eyes.

“Where have you been? We were worried sick when you didn’t return to your apartment.” His voice was cautious, just like how he entered the room.

I answered him with silence. He must have used that time to look around as his next sentence was, “You really messed up the place this time.”

For the first time since I got here, I became fully aware of my surroundings. It looks as if a mini hurricane had swept across the room. Everything was out of their rightful place. Chairs were upturned. Reading materials had flow out off their shelves and landed all over the room. Ornaments of all sorts found new homes on the floor; the more fragile ones did not share the same fate as the sturdy ones.    

Again, I ignored him.

Suddenly, a loud sound of glass meeting wood broke the smothering stillness that began to settle in the room again. His shoe had accidentally kicked a bottle in front of him. My attention was adverted to the bottle that had been stopped by the leg of a chest of drawers although my eyes never left the spot on the wall. I could see the glass giving a green sparkle where the light from the door shone on it.

“Ha…Have you been drinking?” he asked after a pause. The tone of disbelief and shock was evident in his voice. He always knew that I detested alcohol. He is the only person who knows me this well. Too well that it is annoying. I am just like an open book to him that he could just flip open and read its deepest and darkest contents. That’s probably how he knows that I would be hiding here.

As if on cue, my hand automatically reached out towards a half filled glass standing on the low table beside me. I wrapped my fingers around the thin stem and brought to my lips. I could feel the cold glass against my lips as I tipped the contents into my mouth. I could taste the bitter but savory sweet liquid slipping down my dry throat. Closing my eyes, I only managed to indulge a few gulps of red wine before I felt pressure being applied on my right wrist. The pain that shot up my arm made me loosen my grip for a few seconds but that was enough for him to snatch the glass away from me.

“What do you think you are doing? You usually won’t be in the same room as this stuff! You can’t even stand to see us drinking it! What is wrong with you!?” He half shouted at me. His previous gentle approach was gone.

His last sentence echoed in my head. Ever since it happened, I kept asking myself that. That sole question haunted me like a ghost, disrupting my daily life for almost a week now.

I pushed myself off the floor and tried to stand. I was half way up when my knees failed. A pair of arms caught me before I reached the ground. My legs felt numb as my sitting position had cut off the blood circulation in my legs. This has nothing to do with me drinking.

Truthfully, I would prefer me passing out on the floorboards, drunk. I was hoping to find some temporary peace and comfort. I would have love to spend a few hours sleeping and drift off to Dream Land where I could hide from the harsh cruel reality that I am facing now. I would do anything, anything to get of this feeling. Even just for a briefest second.

But, my plan of getting myself drunk backfired.

The gods must really hate me.

After finishing 2 whole bottles of fermented grape juice, I found myself still sober.

A sudden surge of hatred coursed through me. I hated myself for doing such a stupid thing. I hated the newly discovered fact of my high tolerance for alcohol. I hated how I let myself sunk so low until I went against one of my deep-seated values in life, which was ‘Say no to drinking’. I also detested the fact that I let myself to be known so well by him.

With the small amount of strength that I had left, I used my hands that were on his chest to push him away. It was a pointless gesture since he stood firmly like a statue. I stumbled backwards but managed not to fall.

“Leave me alone.” My words barely came out as a whisper in a voice that sounds very unlike my own.

“Hae Rin…” he said in the gentle tone that he first used as he slowly took a step towards me. “What’s wrong? Tell me…”

“You know that already.” I spat out.  The demon Hate was still residing in my heart, body and mind, spreading burning poison in my being.

He took a deep breath and closed his eyes momentarily before expelling the air in his lungs, as if he was bracing himself for something unpleasant. “I mean other than the fact that your family died.”

All loathing evaporated in an instant and grief took over. What seems to be a few hours ago, I had received a bit of news that shattered my world and reduced me to my current state. The police had been informed of an accident involving a car and a trailer. A couple in their early fifties and a man in his early twenties were killed on the spot in the car. Their bodies were in the nearby hospital morgue.

Cold.

Lifeless.

The thought of my parents’ and brother’s death brought another piece of memory to my conscious mind. As that particular recollection began to play in my head, something within me snapped. The dam that withheld every single emotion that I felt during the whole ordeal broke. The invisible wall that I unknowingly built during the past week was pulled down in an instant.

“What’s wrong?” My voice started out as a whisper before it gradually got louder until I was practically shouting for the whole world to hear. “What’s wrong?! I am wrong, that's what! You know why? I shouted that I hated them! Told them that I was better off without them and said that I wished that I was never born into the family! I yelled some … horrible things at them. I w… wished that I could take it all back…Te…tell them that I am so…sorry.”

My tone faltered at the end of my rant. Images of their pained and hurt expressions when I so foolishly let out those words haunted me all the time since it happened. Letting out a shuddering breath, I looked up to see his face.

There was no trace for repulsion or disgust in his features, only compassion. He walked to me with his eyes locked with mine. Gently cupping my left cheek, he caressed my face with his thumb and I could feel something wet spread under my eye.

“Let it out. Just let it all out.” he whispered. At those words, I flung my arms around him and crashed into his chest. I felt him wrapping me in his embrace as salty moisture leaked from my eyes, creating a wet patch on his shirt. All the pent up emotions that I have kept bottled inside me finally flowed out with my tears. Vaguely, I could feel him rubbing small circles on my back as he tried his best to calm me down.

I have no recollection on how I made to the bed. I could only remember feeling the firm mattress under my back. I could felt soft cotton grazing on my exposed skin of my arms, keeping the heat from escaping. When he started to move away, I tighten my hold on the material of his shirt.

“Ple…Please don’t go…Don’t leave me…I am sc…scared to be a…alone…”I pleaded. A hand ran through my long hair, the back of my head.

“I am not going anywhere. I won’t leave you even if you make me. You have my promise.” His words came out as a comforting whisper, making me loosen my grip a little. In his arms, I felt safe and protected. His warmth and his scent soothed my raging storm of emotions to a slight drizzle of rain.

He was always there for me, always. No matter it was my favorite ice cream had dropped on the floor to this, he would never fail to pat my back and say “It’s okay”.

As my best friend, he knew me inside out. Sometimes, he knows me better than my own family. His unusual ways always makes me smile. His annoying habits, I know them all. We know each other so well that we could predict each others’ responses with 99.99% accuracy. All of our hopes, dreams and fears are kept between our own two souls and with no one else.

For the past few years, my feelings for him grew and deepened. He has evolved from ‘my best friend in the whole wide world’ to something else. When I see him, his place in my heart grows stronger and higher. To me, in my eyes, he is no longer my sounding board.

Key, you are the right fit for my locked heart.