It's the kind of pain you feel when you cut your finger on the knife you're using to make dinner. It starts off slowly as you wash the wound to make sure it doesn't fester. Then the pain sits in and it burns and your finger starts to feel foreign and out of place. You might blow on it, only making it worse, than replace the bandage when it starts to bleed again. Then it heals. 

Except Baekhyun knows he won't heal anytime soon even with a Christmas miracle. The steady beeping of machines is the constant reminder that he will never be better. And hes okay with that because the nurses are nice, the food is decent and his friends are always around. He thinks it funny that half of them only come around when he's on the edge and at any moment he could just stop living. It's almost sad.

But Baekhyun has learned to cope. To seal off any feelings other than the pain in his spine and the happiness that accompanies Chanyeol. His smile, when he shows up and shoves flowers in the older's face, is almost too much. And Baekhyun is sure Chanyeol notices his heart rate pick up on the monitor beeping low in the corner.

"Merry early Christmas Baekhyun!" Chanyeol yells and sits the vase on the bed side table. "You're later than usual." Baekhyun observes and moves the bed so he's somewhat vertical again. He was beginning to be unable to breathe properly while laying down. And the warmth radiating from Chanyeol wasn't helping much.

"Yeah. Kris made me take an extra long time training the newbie." He patted down the apron he still wore as if to prove a point and Baekhyun could see how tired he was. No matter what shift the other had, no matter when he had to drag himself back to work in the morning, he always made time for Baekhyun. And he'd come to appreciate that a lot more than anything else he had.

"You should go home and get some sleep." Baekhyun doesn't think it's a terrible idea when he suggests it, laying his hand on Chanyeol's. "No." The other says and sits in the chair that's maybe just a little too close to the bed. "And why not? I can see the exhaustion just oozing from you." It was in the way Chanyeol was slouching a lot more than usual and the way his eyes seemed glazed. "Because," Chanyeol putters and the tiredness is evident in his tone.

"Because what if something happens while I'm not here?" Chanyeol squeezed Baekhyun's hand maybe just a little too hard and the older tried not to wince. His hands, which he knew Chanyeol adored, were becoming the source of pain lately. "What if, while I'm at home in my own bed, you stop breathing? And I get a phone call about it in the morning." Chanyeol went on and pulled something from his bag.

"I know you missed bubble tea so I smuggled some in for you." He practically jammed the cup into the older's empty hand. And again Baekhyun tried so very hard to hide the discomfort it caused him. "Thank you." He nodded his head and with an overly shaky hand he sipped at the plastic cup. "Baek look at me." Chanyeol hasn't used the nickname in so long it takes Baekhyun off guard. But he obliges.

"I know you think it's stupid, but my mom is praying for you. You know I don't believe much in any God, I mean look what they're making you go through. But," Chanyeol's adam's apple bobbed when he swallowed. "But I don't want you to leave me and if this is the only way than I'll keep trying to pray. Because you can't leave me." Chanyeol is cut short when a nurse eases into the room. "Sorry to interrupt."

"No it's alright." Chanyeol stiffens and tries to pull his hand away but Baekhyun stops him. Because he knows what's coming and he knows it's gonna hurt. He knows it's gonna cause him to cry and he's not prepared to let go just yet. "Sorry sweetie but we have to get more spinal fluid to test." the nurse is older and smells like outdoors but Baekhyun likes it. It reminds him of the times he use to hike with his family.

It's a struggle to roll Baekhyun onto his side to face Chanyeol. "Do you wanna step out?" The nurse asks and there's a clinking of metal against metal and Baekhyun twitches. Chanyeol stared into the glassy brown eyes of the older and sighed, "No I'll stay this time." Because every other time he's left the room or wasn't here for the tests. He was always skiddish around needles even when he wasn't the one getting poked by them.

"I'll try not to hurt you this time." The nurse said and sat on the stool on the other side of the bed. He tried not to cry, not yet, because hell the needle wasn't even near him as far as he could tell. Baekhyun silently pleads for Chanyeol to just keep looking at him and not focus on whats about to happen. Baekhyun goes pale when he feels the cold of the sterilizing liquid run down his back. Chanyeol looses all color too.

There is a low yelp and it faintly registers that he was the one making the noise. Chanyeol flinched and his hand tried to pull away again and the other knew he was gonna try and run away. But Baekhyun only squeezed tighter and bite into his lip when the needle was fully in his back. "You'll feel the pinch now." The nurse announces and Baekhyun knows it's only just begun. The beeping on the monitor becomes a little faster. And it's getting hard for him to breath.

"Take deep breaths." But the nurse's voice is so distant and it sounds like someone shoved cotton into his ears. He finally has to close his eyes when it all becomes too much. He doesn't want to see the look on Chanyeol's face, none the less if he starts crying too. Because Baekhyun is finally crying and it's soaking the pillow under him.

It gets even harder to breath when it feels like there's a weight being placed on his chest. It's getting harder to inhale and his lungs start to burn but only a little. "Sweetie, you have to stay calm." The nurse tries but Baekhyun can feel himself starting to tense up. And his legs are screaming at him because the pain in his back is making his toes curl. Baekhyun's eyes snap open when there is a scream.

"Hey." Chanyeol is waving a hand in front of his face but it just looks like a blurry mess. "Look at me Baek. It'll be alright." Chanyeol brings his face close enough to Baekhyun that he can feel the breath sweeping across his cheeks. "Just look at me and we'll both get through this." Chanyeol is trying to smile but it looks way too forced and that just causes Baekhyun to long for him more. Baekhyun really wants to hug him.

"We're done." The nurse announces and Baekhyun braces himself for the needle removal. It finally happens and the spot is searing hot and Baekhyun still can't breath properly. Baekhyun is really tired and just wants to sleep.

"Wait about an hour before trying to move too much." The nurse says and Chanyeol has to help roll Baekhyun back onto his back. The sheet feels like a million needles stabbing at the sensitive skin and Baekhyun just cries more. "I'll be back later for dinner. Am I preparing for two?" She smiled and gestured to Chanyeol who was hunched over the railing of the bed. Baekhyun barely manages a nod before she's walking away.

When the door is fully shut Baekhyun let's it all out in the open. He's sobbing and he can hear Chanyeol start to cough and he knows he's gonna cry too. It burns and it feels like his skin pulling. The hand clamped in his feels like a dumbbell has been placed there but he doesn't have the nerve to unhook Chanyeol from his fingers.

"It'll be alright." Chanyeol repeats and suddenly he's over Baekhyun, a little too close. But Baekhyun can't think straight, or breath, and can't speak. He can only cry and open his mouth in a failed attempt at telling Chanyeol to sit back down. But maybe Baekhyun doesn't want him to sit back down. He likes being close to the other.

"All I want for Christmas is for you to be okay again." Chanyeol mutters into the tense air between them. Baekhyun wants to tell him that all he wants for Christmas is for Chanyeol to kiss him. He puckers his lips a little and hopes that Chanyeol understands. Baekhyun's hands flex and squeeze a little tighter. Tighter than he thought he could. Tight enough to gently tug the taller towards him.

There are lips on his and he can breath again. Baekhyun can feel more tears spill out but he can't move to stop them. Chanyeol's empty hand swipes them away but they both know it's useless. The lips on his are warm but chapped from the air that Baekhyun can only imagine must be freezing. Chanyeol walked to the hospital today.

He tries not to but he coughs and Chanyeol's lips leave his. But the hand is still on the side of his face, thumbs circling like it would help. "I'm so sorry." Chanyeol cries and rests his forehead on the older. Baekhyun silently asks him why. "I can't stop you from hurting." Chanyeol's big eyes are red and Baekhyun can only imagine what his own must look like.

"Baek," Chanyeol is stuttering between hiccups. Baekhyun finds it enduring. "You know I love you right?" Baekhyun nods into the hand on his cheek and the warmth spreading over his face from the other's breath. He smells like cinnamon and mint.

"I'll be here all night. Until you fall asleep because what if something happens?" Chanyeol retreats back to the chair finally. But his hand never leaves the older's. Baekhyun wants to tell him, once again, to go home. Go home and shower because Chanyeol is so disheveled. "Kris gave me tomorrow off and I thought it'd be nice to spend Christmas with you." Baekhyun could see the snow falling outside through the big window behind the other.

'That'd be nice.' He mouths and it gets a little easier to breath. Christmas meant nothing until Chanyeol gave him a reason to celebrate. And who was he to stomp on Chanyeol's holiday cheer? He just now noticed that Chanyeol bought him a pointsetta plant. There's a bright blue ribbon and Baekhyun tries to smile. "I love you."

'I love you too,' Baekhyun mouthed and closes his eyes again. It's been a long day and he knew it'd be an even longer night. But Chanyeol is here and tomorrow is the holiday that marks their anniversary. Baekhyun only wishes he was out of the bed so they could celebrate properly.

He feels the younger kissing his fingers and it still feels like needles. But it's too good of a burn to try to stop.