He keeps telling me I need to learn to accept his help, but what does he know? I don't need help. I don't need him, I don't need anyone, and I don't need anything. I'm fine by myself.

I wake up every morning, that's what counts, isn't it? I wake up, I eat, and I function. That's the most important thing apparently. But I know one day I just won't wake up. And that will be okay. I don't really want to wake up some days to be quite honest.

When I tell him this, he gets angry at me and tells me that I can't have thoughts like that. But...what does he know? He doesn't know anything. Just because he has that stupid degree in psychiatry, what does that mean? It's just a piece of paper. I could easily shred it and then poof, it is no more.

I grumbled to myself when I looked at the wall and saw that it was time to leave my apartment and see him. The entire time I was in the car going to his office, I had a splitting headache. It was like this every day.

It felt like my skull was breaking, but it was a tolerable pain, I didn't need to get help for it. It was just a headache. I told myself to take some aspirin when I got back home. And a nap. A nap would be good too.

I sat down in my chair in his office and crossed my arms over my chest. "How are you doing today?" he asked me, and I could see the smirk that was playing on his lips. He doesn't even really want to help me, that much is obvious. But it’s fine by me, I have more than enough reason to hate Kim Himchan.

"I'm here aren't I?" I replied coolly. "You tell me I have to be here, so here I am. Following the doctor's orders." I sighed when I saw he was writing things down again. Probably a prescription for an attitude pill, if that even existed.

He's put me on so many medications I don't even know what I'm taking anymore. Every day feels like a blur. I've tried not taking the medications, but my body just rebels against me and I almost ended up in the hospital. Just the place I wanted to avoid again.

Last time I was there, I stayed for a week and that's how I ended up having to go to these stupid weekly appointments. I pursed my lips at the bitter thoughts and I flinched as the pain in my head didn't go away.

"Does your head hurt?" He asked, raising his eyebrows. "It's just a little headache, it's nothing." I replied. If I fully expressed how much pain I was in he'd probably give me pills right then and there and claim they're aspirins.

I don't trust him one bit. I don't trust anyone. No one is on my side anymore. They've all told me there's something wrong with me. I'm fine. I don't see why they can't see that. Everyone has just written me off as a lunatic.

My eyes started to water and I quickly blinked rapidly to disperse the tears. I wasn't going to cry in front of him. That'd just be more things for him to take note of. "Well, have you had anymore unpleasant thoughts lately?" He asked, pen poised to write.

I stared at the paper and tapped my foot a bit, contemplating telling the truth or lying. Although I've always been told I'm a horrible liar. I bit my lip and looked him in the eyes. "Of course." I said. "Of course I've had them. I'm crazy, aren't I? Aren't I supposed to be full of unpleasant thoughts?" I spat out, instantly regretting my little outburst as his pen went flying. I closed my eyes and leaned back in the chair.

"What have you been thinking?" he calmly asked. I drummed my fingers against my leg, trying to drag out the time it took for me to answer. I saw him glance at his watch to check the time. I knew he didn't even care. He just wanted my money. I give him money, he gives me supposed help and pills I don't need.

"Things." I replied. "All kinds of things. How I would look as I lay in my coffin, how the creatures in my head would look in reality, all of my supposed loved ones dying, things like that. The usual." I shrugged. I admit I played my response up a bit. It was only the partial truth, and I could tell he caught on.

"Yongguk, look." he started. "Don't call me Yongguk!" I snapped. "You aren't my friend, you're my doctor." He sighed as I glared at him. How dare he have the audacity to call me by my name. I wanted nothing to do with him outside of this cramped, stupid office.

"It's hot in here." I quickly said and stood up and walked to the window. "I'm opening it." I said and when he nodded at me, I flung the window opened and breathed the cool outside air before returning to my seat and folding my legs up into the chair with me.

"I'm trying to help you Mr. Bang." he said. I scoffed at him. I didn't need his help, and I've told him this many times. "No you aren’t, /Dr. Kim/." I said, practically hissing his name. "You're just like everyone else. No one really cares. They just want to get rid of me. I'm a burden." I seethed. That was completely the truth, they want me gone and I know they do, it's no secret. I put my head in my hands and let the tears fall.

"Please, take this." I heard. I peeked up through my hair and saw he was holding out a tissue. I snatched it from his hand and mumbled a "thank you" before quickly wiping my tears and composing myself. "Why did you cry?" he gently asked. I looked at the wall behind him as my eyes started to prick again and swallowed thickly.

"Wouldn't you?" I asked. "Wouldn't you cry if everyone you ever loved just told you that they didn't want anything to do with you anymore because you're crazy? Hmm?" I looked down and saw that I was gripping the arms of the chair tightly. I released my grip and let out a deep breath. I saw he was nodding as he was writing things down.

"What do you write down on there anywhere?" I asked offhandedly. He looked a bit taken aback at my question because he was opening and closing his mouth like a fish. "I write down my reactions and analyses of the things you say." he slowly replied. So he wrote what he felt about me on there?

"Can I see it?" I asked him. "Mr. Bang, it's not normal doctor patient procedure for me to show you my notes." I knew it.

"You really don't want me to see it? Because you've written all about how crazy I am on there? Is that it?" I asked. It was probably the truth anyway. I stood up and straightened my pants out. "If that's it, I'm leaving now." I said as I started for the door.

"Mr. Bang...” he sighed. “Have a seat."

"Here, my notes. Look at them." he sighed, pushing the papers towards me. I snatched them up and poured over them. It was a bunch of psychobabble bull until the end.

"It seems he still doesn't remember me. Even though we spent two years together." That was the last thing he wrote down.

"What is this?" I demanded. "Is this some kind of sick joke?!" He shook his head, and I saw hurt in his eyes.

"It's the truth…Yongguk." He gently said.

No, it couldn't possibly be the truth. Even though I’m crazy, I’m not an idiot.

Because we didn't spend two years together, it was three.

And he was the one who left me.

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This was written a while back, I just never got to posting it, but here it is...as a Christmas gift I suppose. A sad one, but...Merry Christmas :3