You were staring at the mirror. Never taking off your gaze to your own reflection. Your face looked drained and pale.

Your eyes narrowed as you lifted your shirt up, high enough to expose your belly. You placed your hand over it, and slowly, you wrapped the measuring tape around it. And only then, did you realize how your breathing had become ragged and you were trembling.

You just had dinner with your boyfriend, Kikwang and now you were feeling anxious. You rushed up here in your room to check yourself.

Suddenly, you could feel it again. That horrid feeling that was going upwards your body, from your stomach to your throat. Threatening to come out any time soon. You were having the urge to throw up. To purge everything you had eaten earlier. Not being able to hold it anymore, you immediately clasped your hand over your mouth and ran towards the bathroom.

Switching the light on, you went straight to the bowl, kneeling and everything just blurted out from your mouth. You gripped the sides of the toilet as you endlessly throw up. You were choking, and you feel a part of yourself getting emptier and emptier as you disposed of everything you had eaten. Tears were swelling in your eyes and you couldn’t do anything but just open your mouth and let everything come out.

As everything happened before , your thoughts wandered off to the past days. No, it had been years. Even before you had met Kikwang. You were still so young when the doctor had said you had bulimia. And in that moment, everything had changed. The way you eat, the way you feel and think about yourself. There was never a day when you feel anxious and insecure. And now that you had Kikwang, you still couldn’t take that feeling off.

He doesn’t have to know. Your subconscious whispered. He doesn’t have to know you’re sick. He’ll think you’re a freak.

A freak. You hated that word. But it was true. And second by second, your self-esteem was getting lower until it was almost zero. You felt so unworthy and undeserving of him.

When you felt like there was nothing more left to get rid off in your system, you flushed the toilet and turned around, leaning against it and wiping your lips with the sleeves of your shirt and closed your eyes. Almost drifting off.

Images of Kikwang flashed in your mind. He was smiling, his beautiful eyes twinkling and that perfect smile of his. His lips that you want to kiss forever. He was…perfect.

Too perfect for you. Your subconscious cut in.

You could imagine it very well. If he finds out about you, he’ll think of you as a sick girl. A burden to him. And he’ll leave you. Your heart clenched and you could feel hot tears streaming down your cheeks.

That was the only thing you were afraid of. You didn’t want him to leave you. He was the only person you had left. Even when he doesn’t have a clue about your situation, he was still always there. And you wake up, almost every morning, afraid he might find out or worse, he had already left.

You curled your body around yourself, still sitting in the bathroom floor. Bending your knees and wrapping your arms around as you buried you face in them.

Freak. Freak. Freak. Freak. Freak.

Your thoughts kept saying. And you just wanted to disappear.

Suddenly, you felt strong arms lift your face up, and slowly you opened your eyes, almost blinded by the light but you had managed to see eye to eye with him.

“Kikwang.” You whispered, your voice weak. And he looked at you with worry etched in his face.

“Oh baby, what happened to you? Why didn’t you come back downstairs?” he asked with sincerity and concern.

“Oppa…” that’s what the only word you had managed before you threw yourself at him, hugging him and burying your face into his chest and burst out crying.

“Why? What’s wrong? Are you all right? Did you hurt yourself?” he embraced you tighter, comforting you.

“No.” you sobbed.

Not saying anything, he lifted you up, carrying you bridal style towards the bath tub. He laid you down there and started removing your clothes as the water started pouring out and filling the tub. He sat on the edge of the tub as he took out some body wash and shampoo and started bathing you with the gentlest hands. His hands were soft, comforting and relaxing. Slowly, your body was relaxing because of his touch and the warm water around you.

Kikwang didn’t say a word. He was quiet. Yet, concern and worry was still in his eyes. He was sad and it was hurting you too.

“I don’t deserve you.” You murmured, breaking the silence.

You heard him gasp. And he stopped moving.

“How can you say that?” he asked, shocked.

“I have bulimia.” You finally confessed. And you only hoped for the worst to happen. All so suddenly, tears came flowing down your face again.

“Baby, I know. I know. Don’t cry. I’m here for you. Always.” He moved down from the edge of the tub and joined you there. His clothes got drenched but he didn’t mind. He pulled you to him, embracing you around his arms, caressing your head with his hand and he was nuzzling his face in your hair, kissing you lightly.

“What? How?” you asked, confused.

“The moment I noticed you were constantly going to the bathroom or the sink every time after eating a meal, I knew something was up. I asked my doctor about it and he said it was probably bulimia. Baby, I was worried and I knew I had to hear it from you personally.”

“You’re not going to leave me? I’m a…freak.”

You heard him laugh. And you looked at him, dumb-founded.

“Even if you had cancer, I will never ever leave you.”

You cried harder.

“Please stop crying. You’re the most beautiful person I had ever known. You’re perfect to me. I wouldn’t ask for anything more. And most importantly, I love you.” He said in an almost pleading tone. And you tried hard to stop yourself from crying.

“You love me?” you asked, wanting to be sure.

“Yes. Oppa, loves you very much. So please stop crying now. I can’t bear it to see you like this.”

“You’ll stay?” your sobbing had lessened.

“Forever.”

And finally, in what felt like an eternity, the pain in your heart had eased and you smiled at him. The smile that he fell in love with. The smile that only exists because of him.

The night stretched out and it was almost midnight. You were both lying in your bed now and you were still wrapped around in his embrace. You were between his legs, your back facing him as you cuddled against him. He was giving you soft kisses along your shoulders and you were both chuckling. Your fingers were entwined and you could go on like this forever.

“Promise me one thing.” He whispered.

“What’s that?” you turned your head over your shoulder to look at him with curiosity.

“You’ll never keep a secret from me.”

“I promise.” You sighed, almost hesitating.

He smiled at you and without warning, he slammed his delicious lips against yours, completely surprising you.