It’s been an hour or so that I was staring at the blank page, constantly flipping the pen in between my fingers. This feeling annoys me like nothing. I wanted to preserve every memory that I have of you but somehow I couldn’t let it out. I fell back on the chair letting the pen roll down of the table as my mind drift off to the days of past that were adorned by you. That memory is still very fresh in my mind, the day when you first arrived at the orphanage, the day I first saw my angel.

It was during the spring that you first lead your foot on our territory. The snow started to melt as if breaking the trance awakening all living beings. Trees were greener than ever with blossoms of white and pink. The chirping sound of sparrows, the melodious harmony of song birds, those little birds leaving their nests and making the first flight of life, their little wings flapping with the buzzing of honey bees everything came to life. As if nature itself is restoring and accessorizing after distortion.  

As for us the children of the orphanage it was the happiest time of the year. We were allowed to get outside of the boundary and experience as well as explore what life has in store for us. It was one of those days; all of my friends were out in the garden playing, running here and there busy with their usual routine. On other days one would have find me among them doing the exact same thing but not today. Something was off about that particular day. I was anxious for something that was about to happen even though I could barely understand what anxiety meant but I knew it was something different I couldn’t explain it in words. I was only 6 at that time my brain was not mature enough to accept the feelings but my heart acted adversely.

Despite of my friends constant nagging I stood there on the staircase and for somewhat reason my eyes kept on gazing on the metal gate. As if my heart was anticipating your arrival and I wanted to be there to welcome you in this new arena. The day went by and I was starting to lose hope, letting this sensation to pass by just as a weird feeling and was about to head back to my room when I heard the gates open.

Out of the blue my heart started to race, my breath got uneven and my palm started sweating. I was stretching my eyes just for that single glance but what I saw was not something I was waiting for. It was Mr. Kim entering, he was the owner of this orphanage along with Mrs. Kim but we used to call her Nana. She played every possible role that a woman could play in her life; she was our mother, sister, companion, guide and most importantly a friend. She never ever had a preference or any sort of partiality between us. While we were this intimate with Mrs. Kim, we maintained a certain distance with Mr. Kim and vice versa. I might be wrong but I had a feeling he had a soft corner for me and his actions always proved me right.

He closed the gate and was passing the staircase, he flashed a small smile at me as he stretched his hand to ruffle my hair as always and I too greeted him with a smile and small bow. He proceeded towards the house when my eyes finally landed on the small figure next to him. You, your beautiful porcelain skin, your golden brown hair just like the rays of sun and those beautiful eyes. Before today I have only heard about angel s but that day I visualized one. That moment I understand the reason for everything.

I was mesmerized by your appearance that didn’t even realized that you have already disappeared inside the house. As soon as the illusion was broken I rushed inside but here were no traces. Then you appeared once again to make my heart dazzle yet again, only this time Nana was holding your hand. How I wanted my hand to be there engulfing yours instead of her. I was lost in your eyes when I heard Nana clapping her hands gesturing us to gather around.

“Children, this is little Kyuhyun, he’s only 4 years old the youngest among us. From today he is going to stay with us. Now I want you to get along with him and take care of him as your little brother.”

Her announcement made a little caouse among as everyone a bit hesitant. However the awkwardness blew away after the introduction session was over.

“Don’t be afraid, we’ll take care of you. We’re going to be a big happy family” She said kissing you on the cheeks and left you with us. 

You didn’t quite get along with us, some kids tried to approach you but you remained isolated. They accused you being less socializing but I knew that wasn’t the truth. You were shy, may be something else was there deep down inside. I have never seen you initiating with anyone and as for me, observing you became my obsession. I didn’t have the courage to do so. I was too afraid; I won’t be able to bare rejection from my angel . But sooner or later I knew it had to be done.

It was during early falls that I decided to take my chance. Everyone was out there playing laughing as usual you were missing. I searched every corner of the garden but there were not a single sign of you. Until I heard a certain buzzing sound as I turned my head there to be greeted by my angel . You were sitting peacefully at the back yard playing with the mini video game obviously separated from the rest. It was so addictive just to look at your simple action. Taking a deep breath I started the conversation.

“Hey there!” I tried with a smile. But to my dismay you didn’t even turn your gaze. I wasn’t going to give up this fast. So I tried again but with different phrase.

“Umm… Can I try that” I said pointing at your game.

You looked up, for the second the time our eyes met but this one was different, because your actions were because of me and only me. Neither you smiled nor a word left your mouth, you stood up just about to leave, I thought I lost my chance but surprisingly you came up to me offered me what I asked for. No words were exchanged that day but I knew it was a start of something new, a new bond a new beginning. From that day we were inseparable.

Season changed and it soon turned to monsoon. We still didn’t talk much but you never left my side. We were there holding hands enjoying and exploring together. I have realized there is deep bond between you and nature you used to stare at the rain for hours. The tiny drops accumulating on tree leaves and losing its deposit with the wind blow. Droplets of water running constantly from the shelter as never ending cascade. You two shared a deep bond as if you can communicate and listen what nature has to say through her commission.

We use to sneak out to the rooftop on those days tagging you along and we used to have the time of our lives, getting soaked in the rain water, tasting the freshness of the liquid and letting chill pass through our skin. Nana was very strict about rules and we were subjected to a scolding session but I always took the blame on myself. I could tolerate everything and absolutely anything but your tear stained face.

Autumn was around the corner, as the wind started to get colder than usual, with trees with leaves of golden and brown leaving its core giving up it's place for a new one. Time was flying like air and before I could realize it was winter. It’s been a few years that you were staying with us with me and I have gradually known a lot of things about you, some were told by you and some I had to understand through the unspoken words. Your behavior changed during this part of the year. It’s not like you were some adventure seeking creature, but you tend to hide yourself, afraid of being exposed as if burying a secret deep inside.

Winter was no doubt devastating but enriching in its own unique way. Every creature tends to hide in their own protective territory including us. Taking in as much heat as possible letting the freeze subside being oblivious to the compulsion it has to offer. The white blanket it provide to every single being decorating the streets with little crystals that shine in seven different colors, covering the little buds to the green grass, giving a rest to all after a long and tiring journey. It was not just a simple phenomenon but beautiful way of moving on for a better day.

You were locked inside your room when I brought you near the glass window to make you watch the snowfall. But you averted your gaze as if it was an excruciating pain that I’m letting you suffer alone.

“Hyung don’t make me do this.” You whined.

“But why Kyu? Why are you so afraid of winter?”

“Because I… I…” for the first time I saw your eyes sparkling with tears. I regretted asking but I had to know in order not to making hurt in the future. I placed my hand on your shoulder trying to make comfortable as you finally spoke again.

“Wonnie I lost my parents in winter. It was snowing heavily and my mom was out in the market, she was taking way to long as dad went out in search for her and… and they never came back. I waited in front of the glass window for hours, for days… They never came back… They never…”

In an instant I pulled you close held you tight in my embrace. My first hug that I shared with you. You were chocking with your tears, sobbing like I never seen anyone do before. I kept on caressing your back trying my level best to radiate comfort. And it was working, after you calm down I spoke what I was told by Nana.

“Listen Kyu, they are in a better place and they are watching you always. And by crying you only increase their pain they can’t be here to wipe your tears so they just cry along. Do you want to make them sad?”

You frantically shook your head while I wiped the remaining tears from your flawless face.

“There you go, now smile. Winter is beautiful and I’m going to show it to you”

That day you finally give in to me, perhaps I forced you, I was a bit naïve and selfish too. I wanted to know what you were hiding for so long I wanted to know every single bit of you, every single bit of my angel . From that the you didn’t hide behind the closed doors and walls. You were with me playing outside, throwing snow balls, making little snow man. It was one day you spot a snow flake. You delicately lifted up and rushed to me.

“Hyung look what I found.” You exclaimed with so much captivation.

“It’s a snowflake, it’s really beautiful and you know it’s not that random to catch one.”

“Really?”

“Yes… Perhaps it is gift to you from your parents. Letting you know that they are happy because you are smiling.”