Christmas four years ago was their first as a couple, exactly one day after Siwon had written a long-winded love letter he had no intention at all to send—only to discover Kyuhyun standing at his doorstep on the next evening with that exact same letter clutched between his stiff, white fingers.

It had been one of those times when he seriously considered going against God’s Holy Commandments and simply put an end to the existence of one evil, meddlesome Kim Heechul. Thankfully, this part of his story ended happily, and after being kissed senseless by an impatient, fiercely scowling, yet adorably blushing Kyuhyun, Siwon felt at least magnanimous enough to forgive the so-called Cinderella of their group.

That Christmas was one of his happiest. And because he had yet to properly convey his feelings (written words and verbal declaration were notably two different things), Siwon decided to do so after their first round of lovemaking by repeating the content of his epistle in a more poetic and much more flowery language.

Which left Kyuhyun looking like he wanted to throw the large, spiky Christmas tree outside in the living room—or some equivalent of such—at his face. The sight would have intimidated Siwon a little, if not for the unmistakably pink tinge decorating the younger man’s cheeks.

“I’ll have to put up with this side of you from now on, won’t I?”

“Yes,” Siwon answered, smiling blissfully.

Kyuhyun snorted, but did not resist when he was pulled into a long, sweet kiss.

–

The thing about honeymoons is that they never last very long.

Theirs certainly did not. Kyuhyun had never really expected it to. He might be younger than Siwon, and yet somehow he was the more realistic, the more pragmatic out of the two of them. They were idols. For all the smiles and small delights Siwon had brought into his life, Kyuhyun knew that the ugly things were also out there, a horde of prowling predators ready for the kill.

He couldn’t even kiss a girl. He didn’t want to know what it would be like if he was seen passionately locking lips with Choi Siwon.

You know that I love you, echoed in his head, littered all over messages that had to be erased as soon as they had been read. The secrecy was bad enough, but it was the constant denial of every single thing that matters which got to him the most. Every gesture shared by a pair of lovers, from the smallest to the most obvious, was forbidden to them. It was simply the rule to survive, for their world was not a kind one.

Kyuhyun wanted to defy it. And so he let his fingers linger a second longer, his eyes shine a shade brighter, his smile curve a touch softer. Siwon would raise an eyebrow, then laugh, and it would be enough—almost, at least—living there at that brink, riding the waves and flirting with risks.

Until Hangeng’s departure and seeing one of the strongest men he knew shatter before his eyes. This sort of people broke the hardest, Kyuhyun knew, and Heechul was no exception.

“We won’t end up like them,” Siwon told him, ever the optimist and the only one brave enough to keep believing still. Everyone else was either crushed into silence or smashed into pieces.

“Oh, so you can tell the future now,” Kyuhyun heard himself snap.

Siwon frowned, but Kyuhyun was angry enough to roll his eyes and look away. It was after their Christmas performance, the performance that wobbled and limped with an empty hole in their midst. The same hole was now gaping in his chest, crawling with restless, unnamed fear—until Siwon’s hand found his face and tugged his chin to make their eyes meet, once more.

“We won’t end up like them,” he repeated.

“You don’t know that,” Kyuhyun flatly returned, although he didn’t look away this time.

The lines of Siwon's mouth tightened, and then his hand fell away. “You're right,” he admitted, face and voice solemn. Kyuhyun swore that his heart had stopped beating when the older man decided to continue, “So let's just make a deal. Every year, on Christmas day, we’ll give each other a gift—truth. We'll tell each other the truth about how we feel, so if one day your or my feeling changes, or if one of us wants to break up, then...” he paused, a spasm of pain distorting his expression. “Well, then it will be a good chance to say so.”

Kyuhyun stared at him, suddenly cold and numb. “Are you...” he swallowed, fear like nothing else he had ever felt rising in him, “has it changed for you?”

The question had barely left his mouth when he found himself being kissed. Kyuhyun closed his eyes, sighing into the kiss as he felt the slow, calming spread of relief down to the very tips of his fingers. The answer hummed in his veins, gently but surely.

“Sorry, better try again next year,” Siwon said with a grin which hid a world of hurt in it and yet still stunningly, wonderfully bright.

Kyuhyun laughed, giddy with relief. “Oh, I will.” He put his arms around Siwon's neck, safe and warm once more in the cocoon of happiness. “But for now, I happen to like you where you are.”

–

His parents found out a year later.

“My parents knew about us,” Siwon admitted in their hotel room, three hours before the start of their show in Guangzhou.

And that, perhaps, was where it should have ended. The way out was there, in the expressionless mask Kyuhyun was wearing and the rigid silence he was stubbornly hiding behind. His lack of opposition would certainly have hurt Siwon much, much worse if they had not been dating for two years—and he had not learnt to read Kyuhyun more from his body language, less from his face.

And right now, Kyuhyun's fingers were tightly coiled into fists, white-knuckled, blunt nails digging into soft, pale flesh.

“They wanted me to end this,” Siwon continued in the face of his lover's silence and reached out to link their fingers together. He could feel Kyuhyun's flinch, his hurt, his impulse to pull away.

He did not let go.

“Maybe you should listen to them,” Kyuhyun said at last, staring at their joined hands as if he was wondering what they were doing, locked together like a pair of lovers'.

“Is that what you want me to do?

This time, Kyuhyun did pull away, an angry scowl storming his face. “How could you even ask me that– , Siwon, if you're thinking of testing what I feel for you with this, I'm seriously going to kill you. With my bare hands.”

“It wasn't a test,” Siwon replied quietly, eyes never away from Kyuhyun's face. He would have smiled if his parents' words had not driven all thoughts of smiling from his mind. “But thank you all the same for saying that.”

Kyuhyun stared at him, a dying light desperately shining in his eyes. “I don't want to make your life miserable,” he whispered, and took one step back as if to prove it. “At least, I'm selfish enough to not want to be the cause of it. And please remember that you only have two parents. But as for lovers, you can have them as many as you want, and nothing's set in stone anyway, so–”

Siwon pulled him into his arms. Kyuhyun gasped, his babbling, pain-wrecked speech trailing into silence. Because Siwon liked to think that he was a filial son who wanted, more than anything, to make his parents happy—but this was more than a simple act of disobedience. This was him trying to define happiness for his own, with this man who now cried soundless tears in his arms.

It was also why that although love declarations should be loud and clear—although they did not have that privilege, he kissed Kyuhyun five times later that night, before a full audience, before the eyes of the world and each of their judging, preconceived ideas.

(On the forehead, but at least it was something.)

–

Eventually, there would come a time when any amount of love and determination simply did not matter anymore.

It was the work of distance and silence. They had been drifting apart, that much Kyuhyun was aware. The process was slow enough to make it seem unimportant and the pain duller. And then he woke up one morning and realised that one side of his pillow was wet with tears and he had not heard Siwon’s voice for close to a month.

He dialled Siwon’s number—and the call went unanswered, as always. It was as if they were trying so hard to be busy enough to miss each other’s calls. And after a while, it was easier to get used to the absence than to keep trying.

And life went on. The next time Kyuhyun looked up from his too-busy, too-demanding, too-tiring schedules, fights had become spells of silence because neither of them had the time or energy to hold a decent conversation anymore. The thing was, sharp words, hurtful as they were, were at least something.

Silence was nothing.

–

The call came three minutes after midnight.

Kyuhyun stared at his cell phone. He was exhausted enough to consider not answering, but today was Christmas Eve and it was supposed to be a time spent with your loved ones. (And Siwon still belonged to that group, despite everything.)

“Hello?”

“I miss you.”

And that was when Kyuhyun wanted to scream and rage at him. Yet the first sound which escaped the confines of his throat was a sob and he ended the call at once only to find tears streaming from his eyes.

He hated how three little words could make all the difference in the world.

Ten minutes and thirteen ignored calls later, he sent a text message.

I hate you.

And another one thirty seconds later.

And I miss you too.

–

The first time they finally met again was the day after Christmas.

Kyuhyun opened the door to Siwon’s apartment and found himself pushed against said door. His boyfriend looked like he hadn’t slept for days.

“The last thing I want is for you to be hurt,” Siwon began at once, the rasp of his voice a mirror of his unkempt appearance. “So if this relationship causes you more pain than happiness, then maybe it’s better for us to end it right now. But if there’s the slightest chance that it can still work—if there’s still the smallest hope that maybe, maybe you still love me enough to try again—then Kyuhyun, I’m begging you, please,” there, then, his voice hitched, and Kyuhyun could feel how that sound tear at his heart, “please, don’t let me go.”

“Damn you,” Kyuhyun whispered, for even the words quivered, small, frail things left out there in the cold.  And it should have been unfair, how easily Siwon made him remember every glittering, diamond-like moment of happiness they had spent together.

Siwon didn’t relinquish his hold. “What does that mean?” he asked quietly.

Kyuhyun glared at him. “That means I hate you because you're going to make me the most miserable man in the world.”

“Kyuhyun, I swear–”

“The most miserable," he continued, cupping Siwon's cheeks to hold his gaze, "and yet somehow, also the happiest.”

It took a few moments for the words to sink in. Kyuhyun watched how the smallest of smiles finally bloomed across the curve of Siwon’s lips and how his eyes suddenly gained a film of mist over them. And when he was pulled into Siwon’s arms, it was as if he had come home at last.

“You know what?” Siwon’s voice hummed in front of his ear. “I don't care anymore. I'll go to the rooftop now and shout I love you so much, Kyuhyun at the top of my lungs because the world will have to know that I love you and they'll just have to deal with it.”

“They will,” Kyuhyun muttered against the broad, quivering shoulder. “One day they will. But not tonight.”

“Why not?”

“Because you're mine for tonight,” he said, pulling away a little to look at his lover properly. “You will stay here with me and make love to me—and while you do, I want you to look into my eyes and say those words again. Only for me.”

“I will, God, Kyuhyun, I will,” Siwon vowed before claiming his lips, the first time in two months.

Kyuhyun found himself smiling into the kiss. Maybe this was another bad decision, another stupid, reckless step into another ocean of heartache—but as it turned out, even after so long, Siwon was still the one person who made him believe in happy endings.

End

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A/N: If anyone notices anything weird, I'm sorry because I wrote this in a total rush orz IN A BLITZ EVEN OTL OTL OTL

But yay for a WonKyu Christmas :"D