Seunghyun could already feel the alcohol taking over him; his mind felt hazy, his skin was flushed underneath his Prada overcoat and his heart was beating faster than usual. He, along with the rest of BigBang, Epik High and Psy had been partying the night away. After winning a multitude of awards at the MAMA’s, the YG family (minus Lee HaYi) had gone to one of the after parties and celebrated their fantastic accomplishments. There was a certain air of royalty surrounding the YG Family that night; they had won two of three Daesang awards and had all put on incredible performances.  Everyone at the party had immediately wanted to drink to their success – especially Psy’s.

Usually Seunghyun would spend these kinds of parties accompanied by Daesung, talking to and networking with other artists and industry professionals. Then he, Daesung and a very danced out Youngbae would make sure the drunk Seungri and Jiyong make it home without making a scene. However, this time it seemed that the rest of the BigBang boys were off doing their own thing, meaning he was with Epik High. He was glad, as he didn’t usually drink a lot at public events, but was in the mood to go nuts.  After the initial euphoria of BigBang’s success wore off, he was overcome by a wave of nostalgia and sadness, which, to his surprise, Epik High picked up on.

“Hey bro, I don’t know what’s up… but you’ve got that look in your eyes. You probably don’t feel like talking about it right now, so just try to enjoy tonight and figure it out tomorrow!” Mithra said into his ear as he handed him a drink.

“And don’t worry about everyone else,” Tukutz chimed in, seeing the look on Seunghyun’s face. “Blo’s got it covered. He’s staying sober to watch out for all the YG rascals tonight.”

Seunghyun grabbed the drink and chugged it down. “Let’s tear this place up!” he cheered.

And so they drank. A lot. Although Seunghyun had previously considered himself as someone with a high tolerance, he had found himself grievously outmatched by Mithra, Tukutz and even Psy.  After the first few rounds of casual drinks and toasts, he was feeling good – a little tipsy; confident but not arrogant, outgoing but not loud.  However, once the games began, he was out of his league.  Mithra and Tukutz could down shot after shown and seem relatively unaffected, for which he envied them.

Feeling about ready to throw up, Seunghyun stood unsteadily in the circle of MAMA attendees. “SHOTS!” screamed a familiar male voice. He looked over to see JYP shaking a bottle of tequila over his head. He handed out glasses and splashed liquid into each one. “3, 2, 1, SHOT!” he yelled, tipping the clear liquid into his mouth, scrunching his face up afterwards, as they had no chasers. The rest of the group followed suit. Seunghyun’s body protested at the strong liquid, causing a pounding in his head which was overwhelmed by the comforting warmth spreading in his chest from the tequila. This is better, he reasoned with himself. A sore head is better than a sore heart.

Seunghyun couldn’t remember much after that. He had vague memories of a lot more dancing, rapping and foolishness with Mithra, Tukutz, Daesung and Psy. The next day, he woke up to warm, early afternoon light bathing his room. Head spinning, stomach churning and feeling incredibly hung over, Seunghyun realised he had absolutely no memory of getting to his hotel room. Groaning, he rolled over and opened his eyes a fraction to see Seungri sitting across the room eating lunch. He looked up from his meal and put down his phone after seeing Seunghyun move. “Wow hyung, you look terrible,” Seungri remarked as he walked over, cup in hand. “Down these pain killers then come eat,” he said as he dropped the tablets into Seunghyun’s hand.

Ten minutes later, the oldest and the maknae were seated at the table, Seungri idly tapping at his phone whilst Seunghyun ate hungrily. “So, how did I get home?” Seunghyun asked between mouthfuls.

“Well hyung, it was quite the affair. You and Dae were absolutely hammered and pretty much everyone else at YG was kind of drunk too. The only sober ones were Tablo and Bae. They helped everyone into the cars here, and then Ji and I had to carry you into the hotel, up the elevator and into the room. We got you out of your gross clothes and out you to bed too,” he said “Even though we were drunk,” he added pointedly. Usually that kind of remark would earn him a playful his or shove, but today – nothing. Seungri frowned, even last night he could sense something was wrong with his hyung. He thought he knew what it was.

“By the way, Bom-noona called this morning to congratulate us,” Seungri added nonchalantly. Seunghyun looked up at the mention of her name. Bingo, Seungri thought. “She said hi from everyone else too,” he added, but he could tell Seunghyun was no longer paying attention.

“Hyung, you called Bom-noona,” Seungri said.

“What?!” Seunghyun yelled, jumping out of his seat. Frantic, he ran to his phone. Snatching it from the bed, he quickly accessed his logs and sure enough, there it was. Two outgoing calls to Park Bom at 3:07am and 3:15am, as well as various sent messages. They were mostly unintelligible, but one read “I looove you!!!”

“!” he growled, gripping the phone so tightly it threatened to break in his hand.

“I’m really sorry hyung, we tried to stop you but by the time we realised what was going on, you’d already called and texted her,” Seungri said, obviously worried.

“No uh… it’s my fault. You shouldn’t blame yourself,” Seunghyun replied. His mind was racing, and Seungri didn’t reply so they lapsed into silence.  Seunghyun sat down, head in his hands as he was lost in thought and Seungri cautiously moved around the hotel collecting his things. Eventually he broke the silence.

“Look hyung, I know I’m young and I don’t know a lot about love, but even I could tell you and Bom-noona were really in it. And I can tell now that you still love her… so you can’t let it go on like this. You gotta work it out,” Seungri said seriously. Seunghyun lifted his head, shocked by the maknae’s unusually wise words.  “Anyway, I’m going now. Everyone else is trying to do a bit of shopping before we fly out,” he said in a much lighter tone. “Call me if you need anything, hyung” he added as he pulled on his jacket and opened the door.

“Gri, wait!” Seunghyun called, “thanks… for everything,” he said awkwardly.  He never thought he’d see the day when their overconfident, ever eager maknae would be giving life advice. Seungri simply smiled in reply and clicked the door shut as he left.

Seunghyun picked up his phone and read through the messages again. Now that he was alone, he had a chance to agonise over each message, as illiterate as most of them were.  Suddenly, his face drained of colour as he came to a message he missed before. Her reply; “Please stop Tabi. I know you mean well, but it still hurts. Please”
“AARGH!” he yelled into the air, throwing his phone onto the bed. He knew that he needed to speak to her, sober, but he couldn’t call right now as he knew that the 2NE1 concert was tonight. Even if he could talk to her right now, what would he say? Perhaps he should text Dara for help; despite her naturally inquisitive nature, she had always been willing to help Seunghyun out on the down low, especially if it was about Bom. No, he thought, if he wanted to fix things properly he needed to sound completely sincere and use all of his own words.

The time seemed to crawl by as Seunghyun waited until the next day to call Bom. He felt as though he had been waiting for years, but it was barely evening, and the boys were back from their day out.  None of them said anything, but he knew that they all knew what was going on.  Not only did Seungri have a big mouth, but the boys had always been very supportive of his relationship with Bom.  Although they had been there for him through their breakup, he didn’t feel like talking to them about it, so he locked himself in his hotel room, promising to talk to them the next morning. 

Seunghyun barely slept a minute that night; he was tossing and turning, constantly playing out scenarios in his head of what could happen. By the time morning actually rolled around, he was more exhausted and brain dead than before. Nervous and excited nearly to the point of being sick (again) he called Bom, who was still number one on his speed dial.
“Hello, Seunghyun. Do you need something? I’m actually running kind of late,” she said breathlessly.

Since when does she call me by my actual name? “Bommie, hey. I actually do. Please just hear me out?”

“… Alright,”
“I umm… I want to apologise and explain about the texts and calls yesterday. I’m really sorry that they woke you up, especially on the day of your last concert. And I’m truly sorry that you’re still hurt and I want to explain that I don’t regret it.”

“What? Seunghyun, I –”

“Please, don’t interrupt. This is important. I couldn’t stop thinking about you yesterday. Actually, I haven’t stopped thinking about you since we kind-of broke up. Every day I try to convince myself that we did the right thing and that our reasons were good enough, but it doesn’t work! Nothing does. Last night I was going crazy thinking about you; about us. I was so nervous to call you and tell you that I think we’ve made a huge mistake. Please, Bommie. I miss you. I love you.” Seunghyun could feel tears pricking his eyes, but it was drowned out by the daunting silence through the phone.

“I remember when I asked you out for the first time; I was shaking because I was so nervous to ask the beautiful noona that I didn’t think noticed me, even though we worked on BigBang’s first singles together before. I remember when we had our first date; I was ecstatic when you grabbed my hand and joyfully led me to try all of your favourite food. I remember when I called you after your debut and you sounded so incredibly happy, that it made me happy,” his tears were falling silently down his face now. He could hear her sniffling too.

“Tabi, don’t –”

“I remember when we kissed for the first time… my heart swelled with so much happiness I thought it would burst. I remember when we made love for the first time; I couldn’t believe that I was so lucky to have you. And I remember every time we’ve done it, because it was all so special,” he continued ruthlessly, even though he could clearly hear her crying.

“I remember the first time I told you I loved you. It was quiet, and we were both exhausted from our busy schedules. You bought me the rarest collectible toy I have in my collection, and I felt bad because I had only bought your favourite corn. We were sitting together on that soft leather couch, simply enjoying being together. I looked into the eyes that I adored, tucked your beautiful hair behind your ear and told you that I loved you for a very long time and that I’d love you for a long time to come. Then you smiled so warmly and kissed me so sweetly that I thought I was in a dream, and when you told me you loved me too I could have died right there,” Seunghyun wiped his eyes; wondering how his voice had become so cracked and disjointed.

Silence.

He thought she had hung up; that he’d wasted his time.

“Oh Tabi, you know that I loved you. I always loved you. I still do. But there were other things too. I remember when some of your fangirls suspected you were dating and made crazy threats. I remember when I would go out of my mind because we didn’t get to see each other for huge amounts of time on end. I remember when I felt like a terrible person, because I thought I was holding back your career. I remember when I would constantly feel like utter because we’d have to sneak around when we were together.  I remember feeling like I’d let my girls down, because I’d go to rehearsals and frequently make mistakes because my mind would only be thinking of you, or our problems. I remember when my heart would break every time you or I had to look down the barrel of a camera and say that we’re not seeing anyone.” Bom’s speech was interrupted by hiccups and delicate sniffs; and he hated it. Seunghyun abhorred himself for making her sad – he was supposed to be the one who made her happy like no other.

There was a long pause before Seunghyun dared break the silence.  “I know there were bad aspects, but Dongwook managed to make it work with HanByul, but why can’t we? We tried so hard Bommie.”

“Because I’m not as strong as they are,” she replied, her voice thick from crying. “I wish I was, but I’m not. Right now, you need someone who has that kind of strength; someone who can make you happy.”
“You made me happy! You’ve always loved me; didn’t I make you happy too?”

“Like no-one else.”

“Then what do we do?” Seunghyun focussed on Bom’s deep breathing through the phone, as they both tried to sort through their personal cascade of emotions and thoughts.

Another pause.

 “I’ll wait,” Bom said simply.

“What? Wait for what?”
“You, us, this. I’m nearly thirty; I don’t know if my music career is going to continue with my age. But you’re young, BigBang is at its pinnacle. I’ll wait until we’re both satisfied with the effort we put into our music. I’ll wait until you’ve done your military service. Even if we have to spend time being with other people, we both know that we won’t settle for second best… so I’ll wait.  I’ll wait until it’s all over; I don’t care if we’re old, wrinkly and ugly by then.”

“You’ll always be beautiful,” he replied immediately. He smiled at her gentle laugh.

“I love you Tabi, and I’ll be waiting – regardless of how long. Will you do the same?”

“How can you even ask? Of course I will. I’d give it all up now; for you.”
“I can’t let you. This affects our families too; especially at YG. Just know that I love you, even though I can’t be with you right now.”

Seugnhyun sighed. Patience wasn’t one of his strong suits, but he knew that he’d make it through. Bom made him feel like anything was possible.
“I’ve never looked forward to anything more in my life.  Oh, weren’t you running late?”

“! I am! Chaerin is going to kill me!” she screeched. “I’m so sorry Tabi, I really do have to go now,” she said more softly this time, her voice laced with sadness and relief.

“Bommie, wait!” he called as he heard her about to put the phone down.
“Hmm?”

“I love you. So much,” he had never poured his emotions into words that much before.
“I love you too. I’ll see you soon.” And with that, she hung up the phone.

Seunghyun shakily placed his phone down and collapsed on the bed. This was all so crazy; being with Bom, then not, and then promising too.  His heart was under so much strain, but it was all so worth it, because one day, he could turn to Bom, tell her how much he loved her and say “Remember when…?”