MY ALL IS IN YOU

 

The familiar pulse begins to beat again.
The movement of the clouds, the movement outside the car window

 

Sungmin stares outside anxiously. This is Korea. He’s back. To his birth place. He should have been happy, like his brother. He had to stuff his ears with earphone due to Sungjin’s overwhelming euphoria because the moved back to Seoul.

“Appa! When are we going to reach Seoul?” Sungjin asks in hisusual chirpy voice.  “Just ten minutes more, Jin. 10 minutes and we’re there.” His father smile pleaseantly. Lee Chunghwa’s, their father, whistle cheerfully while driving.

“Eomma. In Korea.. Where are we going to live?” he asks non-stop. “Guess it!” her mother said in a teasing tone. “Eoh..” Sungjin thinks of the possibilities. “Eodisseoyo...?” Sungjin gave up his thinking and ask his mother. Sungmin just gulp down his soda without showing even a hint of enthusiasm. “in our old house.”

BWR!

Sungmin—literally—spat his soda on Sungjin. “Ya! Hyung! Neon michyeosseo! Are you going to bath me here or what? I’m dripping wet!” Sungjin scoffs as he tried his best to dry his face. “Mi..mianhae! Eomma! We’re going back?!” Sungmin ask. Finally, some enthusiasm. “Ne! Eomma always know, not selling that house back then will bring us luck and advantage in the future. I just knew it.” His mother said proudly. “Whatever.” “Sungmin! What did I said about manner? You two kids are strictly forbidden to say Whatever to adults!” His mother criticie his politeness.

“Duh. Fine.” Sungmin muttered and silently said Whatever once again to himself.

“Cha... We’re here! Finally! My feet are cramped up!” His mother smiled. Sungjin jumps over Sungmin, flung the door oopen, and leaped outside. “Yeah! Home sweet home!!” Sungjin chirped. Sungmin rolls his eyes and stuff back his earphone, and pump up the volume two times higher than before. He head to the car trunk, grabs his luggages, and drag it inside.

“Just cheer up, Min. At least.. for your eomma and brother.” His father said humbly. Sungmin sighs and muttered something as he heads inside.

“You look as if you need some times to get happy.” His father said jokingly. Sungmin glares at his father. “Here.” His father hands him the key to their Jeep. “mwo? For what?” “Just stroll along.. And find that happiness you left here.” His father pats his shoulder and left.

***

Clouds look like river,
Flowing fast outside the car window.
Which corner of the city are you in now?
want to see the gentle of your smile..

 

“Huh.” He sighs. Their hard top car is convertible. He opens the top part, letting the breeze gently sweeping freely. His minds travel along the wind. Suddenly, his cellphone vibrates.

“Yeoboseyo..?” he said, trying his best to be polite in korea. “Hyungnim!!” He hears loud voices. He decided to activate the loudspeaker and put it in the dashboard. Sungkin knows their voice. “Ei...” he chuckled. “Hyung! Nappeun nom! Why don’t you tell us that you’re coming back! Do we really have to stalk Sungjin’s lame twitter everytime!” they chirped in. It’s Hyukjae.  “Shikkeuro! Hyuuuung! Bogoshippeosseoyo!” another voice is heard. Sungmin giggled. This one is much softer so it must be Donghae.

Hyukjae Donghae. The lunatic twins. They are his beloved twins as the three of them was born in the same year. “Mian.” Sungmin said shortly. “Oh  yeah, have you seen her?” Hyuk asked. ”Babo!” another loud voice coming as a background. “Ani. Have not.” Sungmin said, clearly knowing what they meant. “Just be patient.. She still live her flesh and bone in Seoul. Gokjonghajima.” Hyukjae said. Sungmin laughs bitterly. “Ne, ne.” Says Sungmin. “She still live there FYI.” Donghae added. “Let’s see.” Sungmin replied.

After a short conversation, he cuts the line off and park his car somewhere along the street. His hair which is starting to grow longer is slightly sweeped by the gentle spring breeze.

Really? She’s still there? Still waiting?

Ani—it’s clearly impossible for her to wait. Sungmin knows he’s a jerk.

His grip on the steer is stronger. He quickly mate a steep turn, clearly ignoring the safe driving warning.

He drives pretty fast. His car move in 120 kilometres per hour, going back to a place near his house. He stepped on the brake, parking his car in front of that place. That beautiful grassland, his favourite meadow.

Yes. That place. Still the same as it used to be.

***

If back then as a child on the grasslands I had looked back
You said you loved me and
I hadn’t pretended to not know
If you could look for me now and
sing that same song and feel that same wind (same wind)
I will hold your hand

 

“Oppa-ya!”

“Ne! Waeyo?”

“Johahae.”

“mwo?”

“Ne.Nan.. neol.. johahaeyo.”

“Jinjja?”

“Ne! Saranghae.”

“Nado.” Sungmin said to the innocent girl in front of him.

“Oppa.. Yaksokhaejwo.” “Uh?” “Promise me, that Oppa will never leave.. We’re going to play here till eternity.. Pick dandelion.. Watch rainbows.. And when we grow up..”

“Grow up?”

“Ne.. Just said.. 27 years.. oppa Will marry me. Eottae?” says the girl with beaming eyes

“eng... Fine, if that’s what you want!”Sungmin links his pinky to hers, thinking that his saying will pleased her. He won’t be serious.

“yeah!” That girl smiles sweetly and begin to sing.

“Eonjenganeun uri dashi mannari..”

 

That grassland is still the same as ever. But now the grass are turning brown. God knows why. This is spring. But the waist length tares, dan and soft petaled white dandelions are still there. Sungmin jumps out from his car.

He stepped on the grass beneath the tares. He used to drown inside the tall tares. Of course. It’s autumn 18 years ago. He’s still 8, and that girl, 3 years younger, still 5. They make a promise, the childish kind, complete with pinky-linking rituals.

“Eo?”

He heard someone. He turns to see the speaker.

“Neo?”

***

Strolling onto the breeze, walking into the sky

 

“Oppa! Look at that!” That girl bounced. “What?” Sungmin stares.

“It’s sparrow babies. They’re still learning how to fly. Ah.. Kiyawa..!” she squeals. “Ne.. Neomu kyeopta. Just like you!” Sungmin pinches her puffy cheek. “Aish! Oppa!Appooo!” She squeals again.

“ya, Wanna try?” “try what?” She asks. “This.”

Sungmin walks in the path line, his feet moving slowly, mencegah avoiding him from falling.

“Oppa! Hold my hand! I’m afraid I’ll fall” she said. “here. Hold me. I’ll catch you when you fall.” Sungmin kindly accepted her small hand.

She smiled and hum that same song.

“Eonjenganeun uri dashi mannari..”

***

The flowers have opened in the fields back then we were foolish
So that time has not passed and taken away your memory.
The sun slowly moves behind the cloud,
Until I finally lost that space and time with you

 

“Sungmin oppa? Is that you...?” the small voice said.

“Ri-chan?’ He asks. “Ne.. oppa. It’s me. Hwang Ri.” Her voice quiver. “Ri? Ri??” Sungmin said in complete amazement.

The sun is slowly setting down as their background, making the light turn into off orange and brown, glowing above the golden tares.

She’s all grown up. Her hair is now long, reaching her smooth back. Still thick and straight as ever. She is still petite, with a fair complexion. Her eyes still gleaming.

“Oppa.. You’re back?” Hwang Ri, known as Ri-chan as Sungmin usually called, said

“ne. I’m back.”

“For... forever?”

Sungmin is left speechless. Should he promised to never leave? And broke his promise later on?

***

(if) that familiar pulse began to beat again,
Flowing fast outside the car window.
Which corner of the city are you in now?
Want to see the gentle of your smile..

If back then as a child on the grasslands I had looked back
You said you loved me and
I hadn’t pretended to not know
If you could look for me now and
sing that same song and feel that same wind (same wind)

 

Sungmin leans his temple the car window.

“Hyung! Cheer up! We’re finally here in San fransisco! Fresco!” Sungjin said. He’s still little. He won’t understand what Sungmin felt. His brain is small. He’s just the innocent boy next door who doen’t know the meaning of memories.

“Oh come on.. We can still visit Korea and you can see you Little Bride Ri!” Sungjin mocked. “Shikkeuro! Ri isn’t my little bride! She’s my best friend.” Sungmin snorts. His brother clearly is a mood wrecker.

“And so why do hyung looks sad?” His brother asks. “Because... ah whatever.” “Don’t you know hyung, we’re in America! Fresco!!” Sungjin squeals like a lunatic. Sungmin is lucky enough to know this is their private car, not a cab.  If they’re on public, probably Sungmin already kicked out his brother for being nuts and pretend he doesn’t know him.

“hyung.. Eomma gave me this. I put it in my bag so I forgot to hand it to you.” Sungjin said as he pull out something from his satchel. A small box. Around 11x11 inches.And probably 3 inches thick. “What’s inside?” Sungmin asks. “Molla. Just take a look yourself.” Says Sungjin who’s now giving his full attention to the console game in front of him.

Sungmin slowly lift the lid. It’s photographs. Of him, when he’s in Seoul. Much like childhood pictures.

Sungmin blame his mom for these. There are several other pictures but 95% of it are pictures of him and Ri together.

Him and Ri blowing off dandelion.

Him and Ri learning to dance.

Him and Ri playing hide and seek.

Him and Ri—and Sungjin, catching butterflies.

Him and Ri climbing the trees.

Him and Ri lying flat on their back in the grass.

Him and Ri eating kimbap.

.......

And a picture of Ri smiling. She’s a goddess there. Her short hair tied into a nice ponytail, like a toddler—well, she’s a kid. Her face is different, at least different from hours ago. Sungmin felt guilty for abandoning Ri. Ri doesn’t make good friends. Not that she’s bad—she can’t speak Korean fluently. Her Korean always have a hint of Japanese or English. Ri’s mother is japanese. Ri’s full name is Hwang Rikazu. But she is usually called Hwang Ri—or nicknamed Rii-chan by Sungmin. Sungmin himself can speak basic Japanese and fluent is English thanks to his strict father. Because of communication, they become more than a good friend.

But Sungmin is stil small. He’s just 8. It’s not his fault for moving out. Blame the adults for caring their career so much and brought him here.

Sungmin belum hasn’t fully comprehend the difference of like-love-and care

Do you like Ri? He’ll say yes.

Do you love Ri? He’ll say yes.

Do yoou care for Ri? He’ll say yes.

He doesn’t know the difference. His feeling is pure and child-like. But he knew, he likes being in her company, and now he missed her.

***

 

Accompany you watching the sunset in every evening,
So many things that I wanted to tell you.
Is there still a chance for us to have that future we both missed?

If back then as a child on the grasslands I had looked back
You said you loved me and
I hadn’t pretended to not know
If you could look for me now and
sing that same song and feel that same wind (same wind)
I will hold your hand

 

Sungmin sat awkwardly beside Ri.

“Ri..Mian.” He stutters, speechless.

“Ani.. nappeun.” Ri speaks out. “You know I never meant to leave you..” Sungmin grabs her shoulder.

“Aniya..” Ri shuts. She stares blanky into the tall tares in front of her, minds traveling. To the past, when little Sungmin left, when she needed time to digest what Sungmin said, whn she had to struggle to speak fluent Korean so she could make new friends.

But she’s so small and timid at that time, no rights or skill to take all the problems and pressure.. Now she already stand her ground. Losing Sungmin had forced her to build a new foundation, stronger than before, that manage to sustain her position until now.

“Oppa.. why’d you left? Why’d you never visit? Why’d you come back?” She bombs Sungmin with questions.

Sungmin gulps and let out a sigh.”Here. You know my parents? They’re older, they ruled and hold the rights—i believe it till now.. I... just try to obey them. I don’t want to see myself as a diseobedient person. If I have options at that time, i would choose to never left and stay by your side.But then I have to leave. And ever since that, I swear i will never come back,”

He take a short breath and continue, “karena I don’t want to hurt neither you nor myself. But once again i have to left. Aku I used to want to visit, step on Korea’s ground, but somehow I can’t. For God knows why but I always can’t” he explained..

He stole a glance to Ri. That girl’s shoulder start to shiver and her eyes are flooding with tears. Remembering her past is too hard for her It just wakes up the pain she used to bury, that rise again now. Sungmin reac out to hug her, tapi but he hesitates. He’s scared of Ri’s leaving him, and gone from his embrace.

***

On the grassland I look back
Your disappointment I now fully comprehend
If you could look for me now and
sing that same song and feel that same wind (same wind)
I will hold your hand

 

“Ri-chan!” Sungmin ran to find his best friend. His eyes scanned the surroundings.

Nope.

House?

Nope.

Ah! That grassland!

Bingo!

Sungmin ran slowly. His best friend is up in the tree, hugging her knees. “Ri-chan? Waeyo?” he climbs the tree and make his way down beside Ri. “Ri-chan.. are you crying?” he asks carefully.

Ri lifts her small face which is red because of excessive crying. “nappeun nom! Mean oppa! Ri hates oppa!!” she yelles.

Is it possible that Ri knew?

“Mean oppa, why do you move! Why don’t oppa tell Ri? Ri heard it from Sungjinnie. If Ri already knew this from oppa, Ri won’t be this sad.” She shouts while shedding her tears.

“Ri... Mianhae.” Sungmin touch Ri’s quivering shoulder.

“Ri-chan.. Uljimara..” Sungmin said faintly. Ri sobs uncontrollably.

“Ri..” Sungmin fights over his childish soul. Should he hugs Ri to comfort her? Or letting her cry and run away? Sungmin prefers the first option.

“Ri.. I’m teribbly sorry. Oppa promise, opp—“Sungmin hugs Ri but she broke out and push him slightly.

“No! Ri won’t listen! Oppa is mean! bad! Oppa lied! Oppa promised Ri oppa won’t left Ri, but now oppa is going to move out! Oppa is a betrayal—breaking our promise! No way! Ri won’t listen anymore promises from oppa! Oppa will lie again to Ri!” Ri covers her ears and jumped down, running away.

“Ri!!” Sungmin shouts and jump down as well. “oppa... Be happy in America. Annyeong..” Ri cry and run away

Little Sungmin cursed himself. Why is his feet seems like cemented to the ground, that he froze like a silly statue watching his best friend’s back going further away.

 

With one quick movement, Sungmin hugs Ri. No, he won’t lose her again.No, not a chance. He tightened his embrace.

“Let go! You’re mean! I hate you!!!” Ri struggle to flee. But Sungmin is much more strong and muscular now. His grip is stable.

“Ugh!” Ri pushes him hard and run.

Run to random direction, to avoid Sungmin. She can’t return to that man. She has to re-buried her ppainful past. She always keeps in her mind, her friend’s saying,

“Past brings nothing but misery.”

But Sungmin doesn’t want to let her go. Not again. He quickly sprint towards her direction. He’s grateful he take athletic and hurdle run during high school in the US. It doesn’t take him more than 2 minutes to have her back.

“Ri.. Remember our pinky promise 18 years ago? Oppa will be there for Ri forever, then Ri and oppa wll get married?” Sungmin pants.

Ri chuckled hoarsely.

“Oppa now understands your feeling. Ri must hate oppa so much. Cursed oppa. But you should keep in mind, promises are not meant to be broken—it has to be realized. Oppa admits, I broke the first promise. But now I come again, make up for the first one, and prepare for the second one.” Sungmin said softly.

His saying seems like hypnotizing her, melting her into a puddle. Sungmin smirks and reach out her and which Ri accepted.

“Let’s renew our promise. I, Lee Sungmin, promised won’t leave Hwang Ri-chan, and will marry her next year when I’m finally 27!” Sungmin said in a child-like tone as he forcefully link his pinky with her’s.

Ri stares at him without blinking.

Sungmin reach out his him. “Come one. I miss walking like that.” Sungmin said.

Ri smiles and undoubtfully accept his offer. Sungmin leads her walking down the path line.

“Sing that song again..” requested him. The one slowly sweeps the both of them. The sun is slowly dissappear, The sky is now adored by hundreds star and a nice full moon. “Come on... I miss your song. I could walk till my feet worn out and morning comes again just by listening to your song...” ujar Sungmin.

Ri smiles thoughtfully. She begins humming, “Eonjenganeun uri dashi mannari, heeojin moseub idaero..”

Their hand entwined into one, like a new lock replacing the rusty one.Sungmin won’t miss any of the moment. He promised himself to erase the past, when he’s full of foolishness, when he never really pay any attention to his promises with her. Now is present.

Sungmin understands it now. He likes her, loves her, cares for he. He belongs to Ri, and Ri belongs to him. It’s like a written fate, the one that cannot be messed up. He will make sure his life, re-organized his life towards a bright future with Ri

“Ri..” Sungmin cuts off Ri’s slow singing.

“ne?”

The corner of his lips form a curve of sincere smile as he whispered,

“My all is in you.”

 

Strolling onto the breeze stepping into the sky
Strolling onto the breeze stepping onto the rainbow

 

 

-THE END-