Everyone has that dream that they live their lives for. The dream that gives them the strength to surge forward and do what they want even when the world is against them.

It varies from person to person, time to time, and most of all, from moment to moment. Every moment that fills your lungs with air to breathe, that fills your blood with the energy to do anything and everything. That euphoric feeling that holds them tightly and never lets go of them.

 

Dancing on the stage filled her with joy; her passion filled her audience with awe, leaving them with the impression that they had gone with her on the thrilling ride. It was something that she had learned to do over the years she had blazed through to carve her dream.

Passion, talent, beauty. She had them--and in any person aspiring to become something in the industry, she had everything that she needed. There was nothing left to be desired for someone so young as her. It was as if the future had been served on a silver platter to her.

"Congratulations, Victoria, on another wonderful job," her former teacher told her.

"You're too kind," she replied sheepishly.

That was one thing that so many people had loved about her. Despite all her ability, her charisma on stage, she was just another girl doing her best off stage. One who immediately became sheepish whenever complemented.

But a job well done was a job well done, especially to her teacher. And in simply stating so, he meant to tell her that she was doing well now that she was out from under his wings. The world was her stage. She just needed to own it.

 

~°~

 

To someone who has never fallen in love before, falling in love was a scary thing.

To Victoria who had been too busy chasing her dreams, falling in love was absolutely frightening. She didn't know why, but it affected her in many ways, changing the way she spoke through her movements. Somehow, falling in love had become something like falling into a dream and finding that it was reality.

Her eyes had become fixated on this charming young man who made her feel like she was the center of the world. It was as though she could do anything.

One step, two steps. She inched closer and closer to places she should not be in, thinking it was alright. She was in love, and there were things in life, in love, that one could do without worries, right? Things that needed no guarantee, just the words 'I will always love you', right?

 

...Wrong. One mistake led to another, and before she knew it, her world began to crumble all around her. Because apparently, what she thought was love was not love, and she had given him her everything to soon.

"Why, Victoria?" her teacher asked. Worry lined his brows, hurt etched in his features. "Why would you do such a stupid thing?"

Unable to continue controlling herself, Victoria's tears began to fall. She began to blubber unintelligibly--thoughts too disheveled, too quick trying so hard to put together everything and explain.

He sighed. He did not know what to do, there was nothing he could do. This was her life, these were her decisions.

A young woman who had been at the brink of gaining the world's recognition, as she had always deserved, who had lost her parents to a tragedy but managed to get on her own feet... Perhaps that was the weakness. Fixated upon the things that she had always thought would bring her everything she wanted, she had forgotten to guard her heart. She had allowed those things around her to eat away at her heart under the guise of something beautiful.

 

~°~

 

The things we have are the things we need. The insufficient things that do not sate our appetites. The things we do not have are the things that we desperately yearn for. But when we get that and realize that it was nothing but an empty shell, it destroys everything that we've always thought true and the things we've always thought through.

I will be a mother. In a few months. Those were the words that echoed within her mind the moment she found out. It was the moment that shattered all her dreams.

"I do not want that child," he had told her.

What father would not want his own child? Surely, a man cannot be a father until he has realized that he should not be away from that poor, vulnerable child that he had sired.

"Get rid of it."

It. He called the child an it.

He called my child an it, Victoria thought. He called his child an it.

But a child was a child, and she could not bear to do so. Behind the face that had 'loved' her was the heart of a monster.

 

Heartbroken and lost, she did not know who to turn to.

"Victoria," a familiar gentle voice flitted to her ears. With a tear-stained face, she turned to him, trying to wipe her tears away as quickly as she could. Warm hands held hers, and wiped her tears away for her.

"Don't cry," he said, wrapping his arms around her gently, giving her a comforting hug.

His kindness was overwhelming, after all the pain that she had experienced, and the ridicule she had endured. She couldn't help but cry more, and he let her.

 

~°~

 

Broken and hurt, Victoria was left under his care. Her immediate disappearance from the scene she had once shined so brightly upon was noticed by many, but with no clue as to where she was, no one could say anything.

"Eat," he instructed her gently, placing a warm bowl of food in front of her.

"Hangeng, why are you doing this?" she asked.

"Why? Is there a need for a reason?" he asked in reply.

"My life is destroyed. My career is down the drain and I am expecting a child, whom I cannot care for. Why care?"

He smiled at her and gently held her hand, placing a pair of chopsticks in them. "Because you're my friend. Whatever you become, you're important to me, and that's all that matters."

 

~°~

 

It takes time to heal a broken heart, and love to heal a broken spirit. Everything can be healed, even broken dreams and broken lives. One simply has to learn to pick up the pieces and put them in the right order, though they never look the same afterwards.

"Marry me," Hangeng stated over dinner one day. He seemed unfazed while she seemed like she just got struck by lightning.

"...What?" she asked, trying not to gawk.

"Song Qian, will you marry me?" he asked. He looked like he had more to say, but then thought better of it and said no more.

 

They say love is cultivated, and that it needs to be kept alive for it to thrive and do what it does best. And sometimes, although we do not feel love, it just means we're looking in the wrong direction. Some people love, and love truly, but they never breathe a word about it. Sometimes, they themselves don't know either. But one way or another, it gets through.

Real love does many things, but it does not hurt the one to whom it is directed. It does things for the other with much thought, unable to bear the idea that that person would be hurt because of them and for them.

So, then, what is love?

 

Six and a half months passed, and the child was born. The memories come back to Victoria, and they carried the pain of all she's been through, erasing from her mind, in that moment, the memories of gentleness.

She refused to hold the child, marking it a reminder of her pain. She refused to speak, reminding all that she had given up. Where was the hope? She was a mother now, who had destroyed her career with a single stupid thought. She was weak now, unable to love her own child because she was unable to forgive the reason why she was here.

The television continued to play as she passively watched, allowing herself to wallow in remorse and self-pity. Her attention was caught when she heard the news of what had happened to the man she thought she once loved.

He was rich now, and he was happy. There was a petite young woman beside her, graceful and beautiful.

It took a while, but she finally deciphered that part of the news. That woman was his fiancée. But she was the one who had bore months of pain in order to bear his son.

She cried that day. She cried so much that she felt that someone had thrown acid all over her heart but refused to allow it to melt away into oblivion. She hated it. She hated herself.

The television was turned off, pulling her out of her depressing train of thought.

"Why did you do that for?" she asked.

"Why do you have to cry over him?" he asked. "Qian, someone wants to see you."

"Someone?"

He nodded. "I'll be right back."

Not long after he had said those words, he came back, with a child in his arms. He had a smile on his face as he cooed gently to the child.

"Little baby, here's your mommy," he said.

Victoria did not reach out for him, neither did she move. The sight of him paralyzed her, scared her out of her mind.

A small weight was put on her abdomen, as Hangeng gently guided her arms around the child.

"The doctors have filled in every detail of his birth certificate except his name. Qian, you haven't given him a name yet," he said softly.

A name, a name to this child in her arms.

"I'll be back after work," he said. He softly padded out of the room, leaving the two alone together.

If there were two people who ever needed to be together badly, it should be them. A mother whose dreams had been shattered, and the child whose dreams had yet to be formed.

 

~°~

 

Caring for little Xianhua gave Victoria a world, a reason to live. Having him, she no longer wished to be called Victoria either, but simply Song Qian. She had not been victorious over anything; what right had she to call herself 'victoria'?

Hangeng stood by her side, as he had told her he would, holding her had through everything she'd been through since.

 

Years have passed, and Xianhua is now a child in elementary school. He'd been everything that she needed--a pleasant young child--but he was also a child that was more than she could have expected.

As he was coloring one of his big coloring books, he suddenly asked, "Mommy, when is Daddy coming home?"

"Later. Tonight. Why?" she asked gently.

"I miss Daddy," he replied.

"He'll be back today," she assured him. "He'll be back today and he'll telll you lots of stories from his trips abroad!"

He nodded sadly, and continued to draw lines all over the page.

So it was like that. Both of them had met in school, but eventually only one of them met their dreams.

 

"Would you like to watch Daddy perform?" Hangeng asked, as he finally ate dinner with his family in a long time.

The boy nodded happily, and chirped that he would, and that he wanted Mommy to be there, too. His simple wish was quickly granted by a flick of Hangeng's wrist. The director had saved a couple of tickets especially for him, and these were two tickets that would go to the right hands.

 

~°~

 

Victoria watched with awe as her husband swept through the stage. It's been so long since she'd seen someone dance that beautifully...

It was in that moment that she realized how much she had lost by giving in to the pains of her past and dwelling in them. And she realized: though Hangeng could not give her everything she had ever dreamed of--fame and fortune beyond compare--he had given her so much and more.

She suddenly felt ungrateful. He had given her a shoulder to lean on, a friend to trust, a husband that would love and take care of them. But most of all, he had given her a family and hope.

All those years as Xianhua grew up, he had never really left her. He might have been away for work every now and then, but he always returned to her side in the end. Just as he did, just as he always did.

Tears began to slowly fall from her eyes. Not only his dance, but also his soul. It had touched her heart beyond comprehension, and the only way she could express them were through her tears.

 

~°~

 

We take and we receive. It’s as simple as that.

There are some things that we can have and some things that we cannot. To gain something does not necessarily mean to let go of something, but to stick to it. But sometimes, there are things that we have to let go of.

 

“You’re seriously going to do this?” the teacher asked.

Hangeng nodded. “Yes. Qian is a precious friend to me, and even if she’ll never love me as more than that, I can live with it. I just can’t bear to see her in so much pain, Teacher He.”

“You’ve thought this through carefully?” he asked, making sure that his student had put much thought into it.

“Yes. It’s a chance of a lifetime, but we can’t have everything, now can we?” he asked sadly.

“We have choices to make,” he agreed. He breathed in deeply and said, “I hope this decision is one that you will not regret, Hangeng.”

“Qian needs me right now, how can I leave her alone? I’d be just like him if I did that,” he said sadly.

Teacher He nodded and pulled the brochure away from his star pupil. “You have the heart, Hangeng. It’s not going to take you everywhere, but at least it’s going to bring you to where you should be. But there will be other chances. Good luck.”

“Thank you,” he replied gratefully before stepping out of the office. Once in a lifetime, and he’s giving it up for someone who can’t even see what’s going on around her anymore.

 

But life is much more fair than we think. We think it only takes and takes when in reality, we’re the ones taking, and it’s the one giving. I guess you can say that it’s not the world, it’s the people.

 

“Here,” he said, handing her a bowl of warm soup. “Drink up. The Doctor said that this would be good for the child.”

Victoria took the cup silently and began to slowly drink it. It tasted like bile, but sometimes, one must learn to take the bitter medicine to make life sweeter.

 

I watched him converse with all his co-workers with much joy in his eyes as I held Xianhua’s hand in mine. He belongs to the stage; he shines well there. He’s the star that shines for others more than for himself.

And I…

Maybe I don’t belong to the stage as much as I once thought. I can only entertain people for a short period of time, a moment that will quickly pass, but he can teach them so much more. Is that what it means to be a dancer?

 

“Victoria!” Hangeng called, catching her eye. A big smile played on his lips as he walked over to them. He crouched down and scooped Xianhua up, asking the child of his thoughts of the show.

 

Victoria, the inflected feminine form of the Latin word meaning victory. That was the name that Teacher He had suggested to me when I was about to begin my career. I had so much passion and ambition that he said that I would be that student that could reach the highest, the farthest.

But where am I now? I’m nowhere near the top. I had disappeared from the scene long before I could even shine enough. I’m nothing more than a faded memory.

There are many things that I would like to take back, many things that I would like to undo. But going back would mean losing Xianhua, and never realizing how much a friend could care. Going back would mean having eyes trained on you like a predator and its prey, and the fickleness of society.

Going back… I wish I could go back. But right now, the past is a mere memory filled with what-ifs and regrets.

…Do I have the right to regret? A world was taken away from me but I was given another. Is that a cause for regret?