Final
It's Cold.
"Hi! is this seat taken?"
8-year-old Narae was jolted from her thoughts as she looked up to the sound of a boy's voice. She was rather annoyed, she valued her alone time very much, in fact. But then again, she was always alone.
Not many wanted to befriend her, seeing as how she was rather unresponsive. Her blank eyes - it made the other children uncomfortable. They'd thought that she was a loner - at first they called her names, belittled & mocked her attitude, but it died down after a few weeks. The attention span of children was rather short, after all.
Narae used to be humiliated because of those people's words - soon that embarrassment morphed into anger, and then hatred.
Looking up at the said boy, she studied him for a moment, and then looked away. He's probably going to make fun of me. Just like how the others did. She thought, inwardly scowling.
The boy kept trying for her attention, apparently already having a little crush on the girl - even as a child, Narae was beautiful - however ironic that may be, considering her negative attitude.
His voice made her extremely agitated, to the brink of near explosion. Why can't people be quiet?!
She held on to her skirt, clenching her fists over the fabric, trying to hold in her anger. Her long, jet black hair cascaded down her shoulders and covered her face, leaving only a crescent of her face exposed.
"My name is Jihoon, Pyo Ji-"
His words were put to a halt as she stood up, her chair screeching painfully against the cement tiles. Hissing, she dug her nails into the poor boy's shoulder and pushed him harshly to the floor.
Time seemed to stop as the classroom hushed and the girls gasped, seeing the boy trembling on the floor, mumbling incoherently under his breath.
Narae's eyes widened, and she waited for the feeling of regret to wash over her. What she did was unnecessary, and that wasn't just an ordinary push.
But that feeling never came.
She swallowed, clenching her fists, not knowing what to make of it. And then she felt relieved - satisfied, even, which was extremely unusual for a girl her age.
Eventually, the silence was broken when a student yelled for a teacher, and Narae got punished - for the first time of her life.
8 years later, December 2006
"You worthless piece of trash,"
Narae's head whipped to her side at the impact, her father's hand lingering not too far away. She clenched her jaw slowly, sending jolts of pain that shot up to her skull. Her breathing became more ragged as she kept her gaze to the floor, willing herself not to lose it again.
"How many times do I have to hit you before you'll behave?!" he hissed, shaking his head. He loved her as his own daughter, but he couldn't stand her behaviour. And this was what he resorted to - violence.
Narae's violent behaviour was also her foster parents' fault - raising her in an overly-strict household, berating her with blows, and her lack of empathy all contributed to form the said 16-year-old.
Her parents knew there was something wrong with her - but they refused to believe it. They left it at their own conclusion - that it was just a phase, that she'll get over it eventually.
But hell, they were wrong.
"Sojin, let's go," he grabbed his coat and left the house in a huff, still angered & confused at his daughter's behaviour. Her foster mother sighed, feeling helpless whenever her foster daughter got hit - she couldn't do anything to stop it.
"Please, Narae, control yourself for once," she whispered, and then slipped on her heels and left the house, their footsteps fading away into the chilly night.
And Narae was alone - for real, this time.
"...they are and forever will be continuously loved...."
The mood was sombre. Narae donned a black dress, watching everyone mourning with their heads bowed. She was stiff, not moving, still speechless.
Her parents had died that same night.
She waited for the tears to come - but they didn't. In fact, she didn't feel anything. She felt lighter somehow, like a huge burden had been lifted off of her - no more being showered on with painful blows, and no more stress. She had to go to the orphanage - yet again, but she didn't mind it.
She grew up in the orphanage - to her, it wasn't that bad, because she didn't associate much and she favoured it more than being under her foster parents' care.
Moreover, she could leave when she was 18. She could stay by herself, with no restrictions, with liberty, in other words.
"Narae-ssi, would you like to say a few words?" her father's friend gestured over to the mic. Narae blinked and stared plainly at the man, which made him feel uncomfortable - no surprise there.
The man cleared his throat, "Their daughter is still appalled by this news, I'm sure we all are..."
After their death, Narae felt empty, contrary to what she felt during the procession. She thought she'd continue feeling relieved - but she didn't.
She felt nothing.
When people scolded her, she was neutral - she didn't feel the usual hatred she felt towards people in general.
Witnessing her parent's death had affected her more than she realised. Yes, she witnessed it. And she didn't want to remember.
But of course, there were the pros to her sudden change in behaviour - she reduced her violent behaviour tremendously, and her studies were exceedingly good. She'd also gotten a scholarship to Hanyang University - one of the top schools in Korea.
2 years later, November 2008
"Take care, Narae. The world's rough, you know..." Han eomma smiled at her. She - the head of the orphanage, - wasn't close to Narae, because the latter always had a wall built around her. Despite that, she cared for Narae, seeing her growing up in that way made her very concerned.
Narae didn't respond, as usual, and lugged her things behind her. Wordlessly, she took the money out of Han eomma's hands for the taxi fare, and left the orphanage.
She was then 18 and free of any restrictions. She should've felt happy, but she wasn't. She couldn't even feel frustrated at her lack of feelings.
She'd become emotionless.
2 years later, July 2010
"I'd like to welcome a new student here on campus! Please, introduce yourself,"
At this, Narae zoned out again, gazing - no, actually staring - outside the window, waiting for the professor to start the lecture.
"Hello, I'm Kim Myungsoo, but you can call me L. Nice to meet you all!" the young man smiled and bowed in greeting, while the girls grinned secretly. His hair was perfectly styled so that his bangs wouldn't cover his eyes, and his jaw was nicely defined - like the typical prince all girls would imagine him to be.
Obviously, they were more mature now that they were nearly 20 years of age, so they didn't fawn over him just yet - although they all knew one thing, he was indeed very handsome.
"You may take a seat next to Lee Sungyeol," he gestured for Sungyeol to raise his hand, "right over there."
Narae diverted her gaze back to the lecturer, seeing as he was ready to begin, and got ready to take notes. She didn't care for the new student at all.
But little did she know that he would have changed her life completely.
"Wanna come with us, L-ssi?" a few guys called out to him during lunch, and he shook his head.
"Maybe next time, I'm gonna explore the campus for a while," he smiled and waved to them, and they went off. He got up from his seat, seeing the classroom empty - but then he noticed a girl still at her seat, looking over her notes.
He walked over to her table, wanting to introduce himself, since he'd want to get along with everyone in his classes in his first year. Clearing his throat, he stopped just in front of her table.
"Hello," he smiled, "I'm L. What's your name?"
The girl continued writing up to her last sentence, making Myungsoo feel extremely awkward just standing there, so he grabbed a chair and sat in front of her, awaiting her response.
Narae put down her pen and arranged her notes, taking her time, and then set it back down. She looked up at L, and then studied him.
He's still here? She'd thought, inwardly wishing for him to go away. Well, she wasn't all that emotionless - she still had room for annoyance & irritation, which she rarely felt since she didn't want it to turn into violence again.
He looked away and scratched his neck in attempt to clear the awkwardness - well, it was awkward for him, at least.
"Your name?" he tried again, wanting to get somewhere with the one-sided conversation.
"Narae," she said finally, wanting to end the conversation. She didn't want friends, much less a guy friend. Or rather, she didn't need them.
Myungsoo, on the other hand, noticed that she was actually pretty. She had her jet black hair tied into a neat ponytail, her fringe nicely framing her face. Her eyes were black too - they were hypnotizing, even. She was quite fair, her black hair contrasting perfectly - the only problem was that she looked expressionless, unreadable.
He was jolted out of his thoughts as she stood up, slinging her bag over her shoulder, and went to the next class.
He hurriedly stood up and called after her, "S-sorry for taking up your time, Narae-ssi!"
"Narae-ssi, you're up."
The said girl got up from her seat and went to the piano, arranging the scores of her self-composed song. She took a course in music; composition, to be specific. The class always anticipated her pieces, because they were always very unique, to say the least.
No one befriended her, because she was always quiet - they have congratulated her, but she always seemed out of it.
Unbeknownst to her, Myungsoo was also taking the same course and watched her intently - he found her peculiar, how she always rarely responded and her behaviour towards him that morning intrigued him.
Narae took a deep breath, and let herself be lost in the music. Her fingers glided effortlessly over the keys, and it produced a very dark tone - enough to send shivers down your spine.
It was as if there was a story behind it, a non-fictional tale about her life.
It was very gripping & intense - Myungsoo didn't know that she, a girl, could be capable of that - he wasn't ist, he was just shocked at the intensity of her compostion. It was indeed one of a kind.
Ms Ryu smiled in appreciation. She'd always liked Narae's works, even though she didn't favor that sort of genre. She had an eye for talent & knew that Narae was gifted - the only problem was that she didn't express it well enough.
Myungsoo kept her eyes on her throughout her performance. He noticed that her piece was slightly off - like it was missing something, as if there was a gaping hole waiting for something to be filled. He couldn't put his finger on it.
He jumped slightly as she finished playing, and her classmates applauded appreciatively. Hm, he thought, This girl seems different...
If only he knew.
"Hey."
Narae didn't flinch when L sat next to her in the school garden, under a tree that she considered a second home. She looked at him plainly and felt irked again. She wanted to be alone - and by that she meant throughout the twenty-four seven hours of the day.
That was the only way she could pull through her university years.
Without another thought, she got up, dusted her skirt and made her way away from the oblivious boy. Why did he want to associate with her? To mock her? To somehow be the first person to break through the wall she kept held so well?
Honestly, it unnerved her. She didn't like how he so casually talked to her as if they were friends. They were definitely not even acquaintances, to her that thought was absurd. That was why she nearly lost it when he came bounding after her after she practically sent a message that she didn't want his company, or anyone's for that matter.
She spun around and stared at him. Her eyes were blank again - she'd managed to keep her cool, though it was really hard.
Narae had always harboured the negative feelings - so much so that she became extremely cold. She never could feel happy, she could never laugh. She'd had her guard up for 4 years - was she going to let him break it easily?
Hell no. And it took a lot of effort not to punch L in the face.
"I do not like anyone disturbing me." she said in a monotone voice, well actually everything she said was in monotone. Just like a robot.
L blinked, pausing for a while, and then ruffled his hair sheepishly. "Sorry, I didn't - Hey! You actually said more than one word to me!" he chuckled, perceiving it as an achievement.
Narae didn't find it amusing at all. She didn't react, obviously, and went her own way back to the lecture room.
What a fool. she thought snidely, thinking of Myungsoo's actions towards her.
He should stop it or else...
L still talked to her occasionally, but he seemed to be conversing more with himself, since Narae never responded to his questions at all. She'd always ignored him, finally shutting him out of her mind (not like he was in her mind from the start, but still).
Narae helped herself into the music room and sat before the piano, pressing down on the keys softly.
Then she closed her eyes and steadied her breathing, before slowly letting her fingers run over the keys precisely & accurately. She played Alone In The Dark, a song she favored, a song that grew on her because she could relate to it so well.
Her body was stiff, although her inner self was very into the music. She let out a breath as she let the final key linger, making it echo beautifully in the room.
She was so into it until a voice brought her back from the somewhat peaceful moment she was previously in, and her body jolted visibly.
"Wow."
That simple word could have made Narae ultimately pissed, especially after knowing that the voice belonged to Kim Myungsoo, but surprisingly she wasn't annoyed. It looked like the weeks of enduring his incessant talking made her immune to it.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you," he apologised, and then helped himself on the piano bench, sitting dangerously close to her. Narae looked down at her thighs that were touching his, and then looked up at him with the usual plain stare she had. Their faces were extremely near to each other, but she didn't seem to flinch or blush.
Myungsoo, on the other hand, had taken the opportunity to scrutinize her features. He flushed and moved away from her, mumbling another apology for invading her space.
She's really pretty. His inner thoughts screamed, and he cleared his throat, passing his thoughts off as curiosity for her.
That's right, he thought she was interesting because of her behaviour, nothing more. He doesn't like her, maybe only as an acquaintance but that was it.
Or that was what he was trying to convince himself into believing.
She looked at his red face and then back to the piano. She had no interest in him at all.
"Anyway, I figured out what was missing in your playing," he said frankly and if that was 16-year-old Narae sitting next to her, she would've blown her top, but she wasn't.
Narae simply stared at him with her usual blank eyes, as if daring for him to continue. She didn't know how to react, but then again she never reacted anyway.
L gulped but continued, "Your playing, your expression is too blank. It's unreadable, and the audience can't connect well with you because of that.
"It's as if you're emotionless. You don't portray the emotions of the song well."
She felt as if she'd been slapped. No person had ever given her this sort of criticism, especially regarding her emotions - her soft point - so bluntly.
She frowned inwardly but kept a straight face, looking at him again.
L awkwardly placed his fingers on the keys and played a jovial song, demonstrating to her that she should move her body more to feel the music and that she should use more facial expressions.
Narae followed with the same song, frowning - she didn't like this sort of music.
"Why don't you smile?"
She stopped abruptly and then scowled, for the first time in 4 years. Agitated, she stood up and left the music room, closing the door with a resounding slam.
At least we're going somewhere... L rubbed his neck and sighed. Did I say something wrong?
Great job, Kim Myungsoo.
It had been 2 months since L joined Hanyang, and he thought it was better to lay off of Narae and make some real friends during the span of his university life, so he didn't talk much to her. Let's get real here - who would continue sticking to her when she clearly did not want any friends?
Seemed like L got that message, and he stuck with, as he dubbed them "the good ol' guys". He found it rather refreshing to have made friends that would actually talk to him, not that he didn't have friends back in high school - he did, but none of them could compare to these new lads - Infinite.
"Myung-ah," Sungyeol grinned cheekily.
"Hm?"
"I don't see you much around that girl anymore," he pointed out, and their cafeteria table burst out in incessant chatter.
"Girl?" he looked at them questioningly, and then blinked. "You mean Narae-ssi?"
"Yeah, her," Woohyun smiled playfully. "Was she your love interest or something?"
Myungsoo rolled his eyes and and took a bite of his kimchi jjigae. "No. She was really quiet."
"Shy, huh?"
"Not really. She was just very... cold."
Narae walked out of her dormitory, with an intention to go to the park. It was Sunday and she took her time to just talk a nearby walk, feeling stuffed after studying for hours last night.
She wore her red plaid long sleeved shirt and black skinnies with her worn-out sneakers to boot, and went strolling along the outer walls of campus. Simple, yes. Narae had never actually knew where she got her shirts - it was usually hand-me-downs from her foster mother, but it's not like she cared. As long as she had clothes to wear, she never minded.
Regarding her studies, she was great at it - she never really felt stressed, although the other students were. She had a high tolerance level for that, but she never noticed others anyway.
As she walked along further, nearing a park, she paused for a while, seeing her all-too-familiar classmate playing with a kid about the age of 7.
They're laughing.
Narae blinked as she realised her thoughts were back. She never thought of others, only herself, so it came to quite a puzzlement to her.
Why am I noticing other people's behaviour now?
She snapped out of it as she realised another pair of eyes were penetrating her's. They seemed to be caught in an unmistakable trance, she standing there stupidly before he broke their gaze as the boy tugged on his shirt.
"Hey, Taesungie. Want to meet a pretty noona?" Myungsoo grinned, and the boy nodded eagerly.
"There she i-" Myungsoo stopped abruptly, noticing that she was gone.
She'd vanished.
"Excellent. I'd love to hear more from you, Myungsoo haksaeng,"
The class applauded, seeing a new talent in their classmate. He'd just performed his own song, something along the happier route, in comparison to students like Narae's works. He smiled in appreciation and sat back down dutifully, paying attention to the next few students who went up.
Next up was Narae, and she went up, arranging her scores. Myungsoo eyed her, wanting to see what she came up with next.
The young lady took a deep breath, and began. Her body moved naturally to the music, as if she was feeling it. It was just a little restrained though, but she tried. It got increasingly better, up to the of her song, and she lightly hit the notes- just like how she wanted it to.
Seeing this, Myungsoo smirked. Did she take my advice, then?
She ended with a neat flourish, and then she stood up and bowed.
"Amazing." Myungsoo murmured, gazing at her, while the girl purposefully avoided his eyes. She seemed to be aware of her actions, and she sighed inwardly.
This is dangerous. I have to keep my guard up.
At that moment, she caught Myungsoo staring at her, giving her a soft smile.
She looked back plainly and went back to her seat, not feeling anything. She sighed in relief- what was she getting worked up for? She'd never be able to feel.
And she liked it that way - no heartbreak, no sadness, nothing. It'd be easier to move on.
Or so she thought.
"You say that I can't express emotion well, but you still don't understand yourself."
A feminine voice came out from behind him as he stopped playing, turning to face her. He raised an eyebrow in question.
"The project was about your thoughts. Your own feelings. But you played so... light-heartedly..." she continued, eyes boring into his, "when, in actual fact, you're not."
He frowned. What was this girl saying?
"Excuse me-"
"Your song was so fake." she murmured, no hint of sympathy in her voice. She, of all people, could read him so easily.
"Are you trying to psycho-analyse me?!" his voice raised an octave higher, but she didn't flinch.
She merely stared into his defensive eyes. She was right. He didn't enjoy his life much. His thoughts were constantly about how he was neglected in his family.
How on earth did she manage to read him so well?
She sat next to him on the bench and pressed the C key absentmindedly. She played Jingle Bells monotonously, with a blank face, and then turned to him.
"This was what you looked like, to me." she said frankly. "So next time, learn to correct yourself before you start to criticize my playing." she added pointedly, and then stood up to leave. She'd never spoke this much to a person, much less to a guy.
It confused her. Why was she doing this? Just to humiliate him?
"I see you still don't smile," he said, after a few seconds of silence. He'd felt annoyed by her.
The woman felt anger boiling in the pits of her heart - not good.
She thought she'd stowed it away years ago, but apparently, she was wrong.
She closed her eyes in an attempt to shut him off, and then exhaled. She shouldn't have said anything. Heck, she shouldn't even concern herself with him!
Narae cursed inwardly and then left the music studio with L still brooding silently, running his fingertips over the keys.
Huh. You confuse me, Narae-ssi.
"Drink it up."
Myungsoo gestured to the cup of coffee, nudging it slightly towards Narae- Yes, you read right.
You must be thinking, why was Kwon Narae having a coffee date with Kim Myungsoo?
The girl stared blankly at the coffee. She hated the bitterness, she hated its aftertaste.
Funny, considering how she's always bitter.
Myungsoo raised an eyebrow. "Well?"
"I don't drink coffee." she said, and then made a move to leave.
"W-Wait! Come on, order something else you like, my treat," he stuttered, surprised at her actions. "I want to apologise."
She sat down reluctantly, after calling for the waiter and ordering hot chocolate. She looked at him, waiting for what he had to say.
"Sorry for insulting you," he muttered. "I didn't mean it. I was just annoyed at how you tried to judge me."
She nodded her head at the waitress who placed her drink in front of her carefully. After she took a sip, she placed it back down, and then looked at him.
He peeked at her from under his bangs, trying to avoid her gaze. The boy sighed and rubbed his neck, a habit he always did when he was flustered.
"Whatever," she said quietly. Her words were now limited. She didn't want to associate with him further, since she knew what could happen.
He cleared his throat, "let's go for a walk, then?"
The two walked in silence, Myungsoo falling a step behind her, watching her from the corner of his eye. The girl was merely walking, and then she turned.
The abruptness of her action caused him to bump into her, and he blushed unwillingly, stepping back. She seemed to have no reaction, though.
"If I tell you this, will you stop bothering me?" she murmured quietly, scanning his reaction.
"Maybe? What is it?" He asked in surprise, he never expected her to be the first to start a conversation - well, other than the few weeks ago that she confronted him.
"...Can I ask you something?" she uttered, her eyes never faltering.
He nodded as a sign for her to go on.
"How does it feel like to be happy?"
"I...still do not understand."
Myungsoo had taken her to a nearby fairground, and he'd had his share of laughs - but she didn't.
She couldn't understand how people could be amused by clowns, toys and stalls that hosted rigged games. She simply couldn't fathom it.
She was confused by herself too - she'd vowed to stay away from him, yet she's asking him about emotions. She was contradicting herself.
Myungsoo eyed her, slightly softening. He was slightly shocked at her question. Hadn't she felt anything, throughout her life?
He had asked her cautiously if she could smile for him, but she couldn't.
He found himself caring more for her than he ever did, and it was starting to worry him. Don't tell me I have feelings for her?
But that's...impossible...
"Look." he interrupted her, placing his fingers near his cheekbones. He lifted them up, attempting a dorky smile.
Narae only stared at him like he was nuts.
Cautiously, he brought his fingers to her cheeks, examining her reaction. She blinked, feeling the unfamiliar touch. He brought up her lips and chuckled at her expression.
"That's how you smile," he grinned.
Narae touched her face gingerly. What did he just do? No matter what she did, she couldn't smile - not when it wasn't sincere.
She glanced at his side profile and examined his features. She'd never been that close to a boy before, and she didn't know what to make of it.
Of course, she heard how the girls were complimenting him, calling him 'handsome' and 'good-looking'. They even claimed that they were in love with him.
She hesitated before wondering under her breath, "What's love?"
L sighed.
He felt incredibly y that day. He knew it - he knew for a fact that he liked Kwon Narae.
Kwon Narae, the girl who rarely displayed emotions, the girl who was cold-hearted.
Narae, on the other hand, felt indifferent to him. She got back to her quiet self after their 'outing' - she realised that she could finally be her 'sane' old self when he wasn't around - it was better for her.
She thought about it long and hard. Narae couldn't risk having that hatred back - she was better off as emotionless. She was merely curious of how happiness felt, but it seemed to keep pulling her in, as if begging her - to feel.
It was dangerous. If she ever managed to get back to her old self, she'd be done for - eventually her violent tendencies would get the better of her and hence, she could be suspended - or worse, expelled.
The fact that she was worrying about these things were alarming - she usually doesn't think or care much at all.
Her guard was back up, and L was back to square one. It didn't help that he liked her - what did attract him to her anyway?
For one, she was beautiful. Her obsidian hair, her fair skin and- well, we covered that already, haven't we? He also liked her personality - it was rather twisted and abnormal, but the more he was intrigued by it, the more it him in - like she couldn't stay away from her.
Like he was frozen in place by her.
He groaned, burying his head in his arms. A myriad of emotions flew around his mind, giving him an aching headache.
"Kim Myungsoo, I would appreciate if you could pay attention," Ryu songsaengnim called out in a sarcastically saccharine voice, and he sat up reluctantly, only to meet the eyes of the girl he was thinking too much of.
She looked away, busying herself with her notes, feeling indifferent to his stare. And L knew that.
Damn. The feelings aren't mutual.
If Narae had emotions, she'd be gaping right then. Why, you ask?
Because Kim Myungsoo just confessed to her.
He gazed into her blank eyes sadly, knowing full well that she wouldn't have responded.
"I'm not looking for an answer," he whispered slowly. "I just felt the need to tell you. You don't have to say anything."
Narae didn't feel anything stir inside her. How should she have reacted?
One thing she knew for sure was that she doesn't like L in that way. Heck, she didn't like him at all - she despised him for trying to help her find her emotions. She was set to make sure she stays the way she was then.
And she wasn't going to let L ruin her. Harsh, but that was how Narae was - like an unforgiving blizzard. Cold, harsh, ruthless, emotionless.
"Leave me be. Don't try to treat me like a psycho patient," Narae hissed, warmth absent from her tone of voice. "I'm incurable."
Without a second thought, she turned away from him and left, leaving L feeling frozen.
And it wasn't because of the winter.
It was snowing.
To Narae, nothing was different. To her, everything felt cold, and empty. Especially on that day - December 5th.
The day her parents died.
Narae could still remember that night vividly - right after they left in their car, heading out of the driveway, it happened.
A truck came out of nowhere and rammed into her parent's car; giving an instant, nearly painless death.
And she saw it all with her own eyes.
The harsh winter only made her day worse. She was constantly reminded of her past, and she never liked it.
She guessed that it was because their death was what made her change - witnessing it traumatized her greatly. That was how she became emotionless.
Wanting to go out, she dressed warmly (although she always knew it never helped her frozen state) and left the dormitory.
"Oh! Narae-yah!"
Her footsteps continued despite hearing the voice continuously calling her. Eventually, a hand shot out to rest on her shoulder, halting her footsteps.
Myungsoo examined her face closely, somehow sensing that she was feeling very... empty, that day. Emptier than usual.
"Are you heading off anywhere in particular?" Myungsoo asked, rubbing his hands and blowing over them, in an attempt to warm his hands.
She remained silent, wanting him to go. She had no more interest for him at all.
"...Do you want to come with me to the fair nearby?"
Before she could answer, (which she wasn't planning on doing) he had already tugged on her hand, escorting her to his car. Kwon Narae was not amused at all, but she kept silent throughout the ride.
"That wasn't so bad now was it?"
Narae nodded absentmindedly, although she had no reaction to any of the new fair games. She recalled that he had brought her to a fair a few months back, and she hadn't felt anything then, either.
She looked around the place and saw a mini ferris wheel, and she - surprisingly - looked at it with great interest. She'd never sat on one of those before.
And before she knew it, it was only L & her in the 'cabin' designed as a cute, fairy-themed cupcake.
The girl looked out the window, scrutinizing the Seoul's city lights. Of course, it wasn't as high as the usual ferris wheel- they were situated in a fairground after all - but it was definitely something to remember. And Narae sighed quietly again, realizing she was having the same thoughts she had a few months ago when L constantly pestered her.
L, on the other hand, gazed at her thoughtfully. The moonlight had casted a light across her face and he smiled, admiring her beauty.
I really like her.
Narae's obsidian eyes turned to look at his, and he blinked, a tint of pink on his cheeks. Before he could say anything, Narae beat him to it.
The girl was confused. She took a risk and actually spoke to him, after so long - she had sworn not to associate with him anymore, but look at where they were - in a ferris wheel, on a snowy night.
It was as if moved on its own. Without thinking, she blurted the same question she'd asked him before.
"Kim Myungsoo," she began, realising it was the first time she had said his name since the 5 months that she'd known him,
"What's love?"
L blinked, his jaw slightly hanging. Could she feel the same way..?
He cleared his throat. "Love... It's when you love someone, that you know you can't be away from her. You can't seem to focus when she's not around, and your thoughts are always revolved around that special person. You're always concerned over her well-being.
"People ask you why you love her, and you don't have a reason... You just do. You'll do anything for her. You'd even sacrifice yourself," L murmured, gazing intently at her. His gaze could rival her infamous stare, and surprisingly, Narae actually fidgeted under the intensity of her gaze.
I don't know how I came to love you, Kwon Narae...
He says it so... passionately. Narae thought, studying his expression.
Unknowingly, his body edged forward, closer to her.
She was aware of their close proximity. She was very aware, actually.
Slowly, he mumbled, "Love...
Is what I feel for you."
Hesitantly, he inched forward, cupping her cheeks, and placed his lips on hers.
The two were back in L's car, heading back to the dormitory. It was extremely awkward - Narae was enraged that he'd dared to kiss her. Much to L's dismay, she pushed him away and stalked off immediately after the attendant opened the door of their cabin.
He'd dragged her to his car, wanting to at least send her back, and there they were, sitting in an uncomfortable silence.
L sighed inaudibly, feeling slightly heartbroken. All his advances didn't manage to catch her attention.
At least she's feeling angry instead of her usual indifference.
"You're going to ruin me." Narae muttered, infuriated. She clenched her fists and calmed herself from making a riot and succumbing to her fury which she had tried so hard to dispel. She looked out the window bitterly, swallowing her anger.
He winced at her comment. A flurry of emotions swam through his mind, and he instantly regretted trying to kiss her. It had ruined his belief of a non-existent friendship between the two.
As he turned from looking at her and onto the road, he let out a yelp and slammed on the brakes, seeing the red light. They both lurched forward, and the car settled over a pedestrian area, their vehicle peeking out from the T-junction.
"I'm sorry!" L shouted, looking to check if she was alright. He'd been so immersed in his thoughts that he risked their lives. He cursed himself for being so reckless, and gently laid a hand on Narae's shoulder. She, on the other hand, was too preoccupied to care about his hand lingering on torso - the girl's eyes were as wide as saucers, and she was breathing erratically. Her gaze was shot behind his shoulder, and for once, Narae screamed.
"KIM MYUNGSOO, REVERSE NO-"
It all happened so fast - the lorry came at them at breakneck speed, and L had no time to back up, much less turn around. The impact was immense as his car literally flew at the great force. Their bodies lurched forward as the car overturned, their heads hitting the dashboard - L's, more fatally.
He groaned in pain and felt the blood rush down to his head, hanging upside down from his seat. He struggled to breathe as he felt the air escaping his bruised lungs from the severe impact - it didn't help that he could hear his heartbeat pounding furiously against his ears, causing his vision to blur.
It hurt. He was a goner - he knew it all too well then.
Narae's ears were blocked from all noise. She couldn't feel anything - not her hands, her feet - nothing.
Looking in front of her, she saw Myungsoo's face painted with gruesomely with blood, and she wanted to reach out to him - but her body never listened. She looked at him through half-lidded eyes, not knowing what to think.
She breathed heavily and a dozen different thoughts crammed themselves in her mind. She was reminded of her parent's death.
Am I going to suffer the same fate? Her eyes nearly rolled to the back of her head.
And on the same day my foster parents died... she mused and could've smirked at the bitter thought if it wasn't for the situation she was in.
L cast his gaze towards Narae and blinked slowly, feeling pain numbing his senses.
Am I... dying?
He raised his arm towards Narae and winced, but he kept it at her cheek, it lovingly. He let out a shaky sigh and closed his eyes painfully, and then reopened them with much difficulty. His eyes were heavy - in fact, everything was getting hazier, as the blood rushed to his head, making him woozy and unfocused.
So this is what it's like to die... It hurts. His lips trembled and he tried to keep his gaze on Narae, who was in a similar state he was in.
To his surprise, Narae cried - though her face was drained of any emotion. She couldn't even feel her tears - they fell unknowingly.
L smiled melancholically, relief overtaking his pain. He hoped she would be able to feel - that was his last wish. Not for her to love him- but for her to feel.
You're almost there, Narae. Just a little more.
He closed his eyes for a moment, and let out a shaky breath, overwhelmed by the sudden intensity of his pounding heartbeat and the neon lights that signalled the nearing of Christmas. He tried lifting his hand again, but he couldn't. His muscles were shutting down on him. His life was seeping away, without his consent. He thought back to his family, his friends - but nothing was more important than that cold girl in front of him.
With all the strength he could muster, L croaked out,
"Kwon Narae, I love you."
Narae woke up to the sound of the incessant beeping coming from the machine next to her bed. She blinked slowly, her eyelids abnormally heavy and her body drained of its normal strength.
"Oh! You're awake!" A nurse smiled at her and called for a doctor. Her voice seemed faraway, and Narae couldn't focus well.
"Thank goodness you've woken up," a doctor pegged with a nametag that read 'Dr Yang Seungho' said, smiling brightly at Narae. "You were knocked out for about 3 weeks now."
He carefully removed the oxygen mask Narae had on so that she could breathe normally. Narae blinked, trying to recall what happened.
And then she remembered.
"Where's... the other man?" Narae coughed out, dry and uncomfortable. The nurse handed her water to drink and helped her to sit up - it was then Narae noticed that her leg had a cast around it.
The doctor's face fell, and Narae exhaled slowly.
"He's-"
"Dead, isn't he?" she whispered, frowning. She remembered his last words, even though she couldn't hear him.
"Saranghae."
Dr Yang patted her shoulder in an attempt to cheer her up, and it shook her from the memory. His pained face, loving smile and tender touches during his last moments were deeply imprinted in her mind.
To her, it all didn't synchronize well - how could he have smiled despite the pain? Is it possible to have 2 emotions at once?
Narae stared at the doctor who had patted her shoulder. She didn't need any 'cheering up' - she felt perfectly fine. His death didn't do any impact to her at all - or so she thought.
She felt just as how she did at her parent's funeral - she felt steady.
She felt like the 18-year-old Kwon Narae again.
3 years later
The C note lingered high in the air as Narae slammed down on it, ending the piece with a passionate flourish. She waited a moment, closing her eyes, letting out a breath she didn't realize she was holding.
And then the audience erupted in applause, and they smiled in appreciation. She stood up elegantly and bowed, her white gown sashaying gracefully behind her.
Where was she, you may wonder - she was at her 2nd major piano concerto, and if you're curious, she'd been dubbed as the rising pianist in Seoul.
Still standing, her posture upright and her appearance modest, she spoke clearly into the mic.
"The next piece is something I composed myself, 3 years ago," she began, "it has a significant meaning and it's... something rather intriguing to me.
"It tells a story about a young man, doing everything for somebody that doesn't deserve it - he'd been so immersed, so obsessed, that he died in its hands. And that 'somebody'... is still nonchalant about him."
She breathed in, and then gazed at the curious looks of the audience, "I want to dedicate this piece to Kim Myungsoo, who has been deceased since 2010. Without further ado, here's 'Cold' - I sincerely hope you will enjoy it."
Dear Kim Myungsoo,
Hello. It's Narae here.
I hope you are doing well, wherever you are.
I'd like to take this time to think over some things... Some regarding you, actually.
My mentor said that I'm one of the rising pianists here in Korea - or Seoul, rather. Your friends miss you a lot. Maybe you should've went with them and just let me go - you could've been living now.
I tried to warn you.. I tried to push you away. But you were so persistent.
3 years ago, I would've said something to mock your death. But I'm 23 now, and I've grown up. Thanks to you, partly.
You've always wanted me to feel. You brought me to the fairs, and critiqued my playing. You've asked me to smile, and I couldn't do it at all.
I still can't, not after 3 years... Have I disappointed you?
Well, I think I'm beginning to feel. Lately, at my few concerts, when I hear the applause and my acquaintances cheering me on, something stirs in me - is that happiness?
You're not here to help me anymore. I'm sorry for pushing you away - I was afraid to become my violent self again.
You've probably figured out that something was wrong with me. And yet you stayed by my side. I don't think I will ever understand why you did that.
Am I being too blunt here?
After your death, it was as if my body had been reset to default - I couldn't feel, and I didn't bother about anyone's thoughts.
But then I realise that I kept thinking of you. How you were always pestering me, yet you were always so tender... I've never noticed that about you.
It's too late now, but I just want to say thank you.
Thank you, Kim Myungsoo. Thank you for everything. Thank you for always being there for me, even when it cost you your life.
And I'm sorry... for everything.
Rest in peace.
xoxo
Kwon Narae
A/N:
Thank you for reading this. I loved writing this story - I couldn't stop, hehe c:
Please comment! ^_^ Hope you guise liked it.. This was kind of long, longer than my Daehyun oneshot, haha. 7OOO + words.
I just want to thank some of my chingoos who've always supported me, and those who were anticipating this - I hope you liked it, really! I feel like this oneshot may be disappointing to some readers.. :c
And a HUGE thanks to rainbowshadow - she made the poster! Lovely isn't it?
Well enough of my rambling. Thanks once again!
Also, mind checking out my angst oneshot collection? (hasn't started yet, but I will soon! ^^)
ღ The Mad Hatter's Tea Party: House of Angst
Dancing In The Rain (Daehyun x OC)
bye guys, till next time c: merry xmas, and a happy new year~
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