“What if reality is nothing but some disease?” –  from Rant by Chuck Palahniuk

Moon Jongup was an actor. He was one of the best, even better than Lee Minho or some other teenage heartthrob. He could be considered a rival to international stars. However, he was not an actor who appeared on the big screen; in fact nobody knew what a phenomenal actor he was. He liked to refer to himself as a shadow actor, playing a role that no one knew of yet everyone saw. Everyone thought he was the poster child for happiness and innocence. In reality, he was neither happy nor innocent.

Because, the truth of the matter was, that Moon Jongup wasn’t the bright and cheery idol everyone made him out to be. He wasn’t the boy who smiled like an idiot at everything, who was all good and dandy. That star quality smile, those eyes that shone naivety, that shy and awkward demeanor was all a part of his mask.

And what exactly was he masking?

He hid the pained and troubled heart of a child who had been confined to his home. A prisoner in his own house. With divorced parents, he hadn’t lived what most people considered a “normal” life. As a child, his mother had barred him from going outside, from having friends, and from the freedom of just living life. It was a miracle she had ever let him become an idol. It was most likely for the money and the fame. There was no reason she’d care about his dreams. They didn’t mean a thing to her (not like anything he wanted meant anything to her). What were petty delusions compared to something so valuable and tangible such as money, she would say.

The glare of flashing lights and the buzz of an audience extracted the bitter thoughts from Jongup’s mind and replaced them with the illusion that he truly was a content teenage boy who had the world ahead of him. It didn’t completely work; only making the pain feel hazy and the bitterness too sickly sweet.

The gentle touch of his group member, Himchan, sent an uncomfortable burning sensation over his skin. The kind smile that the older man offered Jongup made him want to gag. But of course, Jongup was an actor and he had a role to play so he returned the gesture with a timid nod.

“You okay, Jongup?” You were spacing out for a moment,” Himchan whispered his concern.

“Yeah, I’m fine hyung. Just a little tired,” Jongup lied without batting an eye as he subtly pulled away, feeling the weight of Himchan’s hand on his shoulder disappear. Himchan acted as if he didn’t notice and continued to beam at Jongup as well as offering a gesture of greeting to the fans watching in the audience. Jongup heard them go wild at such a tiny thing and almost laughed to himself.

“Well, we’re about to record soon so you better be prepared,” responded Himchan, his voice light yet stern. “We’ve gotta make the best impression.”

And so, Jongup played his role like he always did.

---

It was a Sunday. The sun stayed hidden behind an army of gray clouds, casting shadows on the streets. Rain was, of course, a companion of the day drenching everything in the heaven’s tears. From a bird’s eye point of view, cars darted through streets splashing water everywhere while rainbows of umbrellas blocked the sidewalk.

Out of the many that carried umbrellas, there was one person who donned nothing but a hoodie and black dress pants. And it was none other than Moon Jongup.

He didn’t bother disguising himself, rather he just didn’t care if someone recognized him or not. The only thing running through his mind at the moment was just the desire to walk and hopefully find something to occupy himself with on his day off. The rain hadn’t been a part of his plan but he chose to ignore it despite the constant onslaught of raindrops falling on his head.

He trudged by a quaint little café with couples sitting and smiling, drinking coffee or hot chocolate. There were also loners of course, those with a laptop propped on their table and a cappuccino beside them while their fingers furiously tapped on the keyboard. Jongup wondered whether they were messaging someone or just venting their frustrations on a blog that nobody read or cared for.

He wouldn’t have stopped if he hadn’t caught sight of someone sitting in the farthest corner of the café. She was a teenager, probably around Jongup’s age. She held a bright yellow smoothie in her hands as she smiled and laughed to herself. Her eyes (and they were incredibly beautiful eyes) roamed the room. They kept scanning the faces of other customers until they met Jongup’s eyes.

A pair of eyes as black as soot but bright as snow seemingly stared right at Jongup but for some reason he felt as if they were looking through him.

She kept their gaze locked for the longest time before smiling and lifting her hand up in what seemed like a gesture for Jongup to go inside. That was when he thought it best to leave.

His feet battered the ground much like the rain did as he scurried away from the café like a mouse fleeing from a hawk.

He concentrated only on the steady rhythm of his heart and the action of inhaling to get air into his lungs. The sounds of cars honking and dozens of feet stomping the ground turned into a buzz in the back of his brain. Buildings blurred into grays and browns while the people faded into the background. Smells mixed into a strange concoction of rain and brick. And then the Han came into view, rippling under the torrent of rain.

Jongup stopped walking, stopped moving, stopped breathing. He would’ve stopped living if he could make his heart pause as well. Eventually, instinct took over and the air he held inside came out in a gust. He in a breath right after, keeping his eyes on the river before him.

His mind conjured images of her and they stuck there. Her eyes were all he could picture but he could see every part of them, like the tiny flecks of snowflakes hiding in the irises or the pitch black color glinting like metal on a sunny day.

He blinked and the mirage disappeared.

He decided to forget about her then, stuffing his hands in his pocket and returning to the dorm drenched to the bone.

---

The little boy sat on the couch, his knees pulled up to his chest as his eyes were glued to the glowing screen. An old movie was playing in black and white, so old that there was no sound either. The little boy watched as characters moved about, speaking but with no voice. He smiled a bit, finding it interesting.

It was raining outside. Out of the corner of his eye, he caught movement and shifted his gaze towards the window. He got up from his seat and cautiously walked over, pressing his fingertips against the glass and looking out at the view distorted by the water droplets clinging to it.

There were children outside dressed in raincoats and rain boots. With smiles on their faces and laughter in their eyes, they splashed in puddles and erupted into giggles while trying to get one another wet.

The little boy wanted to play too. So, he went to the closet and found his raincoat. Slipping it on, his fingers had just touched the doorknob when his mother came from the kitchen. He heard something slam against a table or maybe a wall, he wasn’t sure. He flinched as footsteps approached him.

“Moon Jongup, where do you think you’re going?” she snapped.

“I wanted t-“he began but she didn’t let him finish.

“Go up to your room, right now,” she hissed, her finger pointed towards the stairs. He sighed and trudged upstairs and into his room.

Sitting on the floor, he grabbed his toy train and placed it on the wooden tracks. He took another train and did the same, moving the two trains around the tracks until eventually they met in one place and collided.

And he did this, over and over and over again.

---

Jongup sat in the car; his headphones over his ears as he continuously traced circles on the window with his fingers making them expand until they collided. He did this over and over and over again, imagining trains rolling down infinitely expanding tracks just to meet at some point to end their pointless cycles.

The drone of Himchan and Daehyun’s voices in the background never ceased, after all they were the two chatterboxes of the group. Zelo, who sat beside him, was busy tapping his fingers on his thighs while listening to his own music. The younger boy mouthed a silent rap, lost in his own world. Yongguk sat up front by the manager remaining silent for the most part. And Youngjae was stuck in between the chatterboxes most likely wishing he had sat anywhere but there.

It had been almost a week since that day Jongup saw that girl. He remembered her eyes and only her eyes. Try as he might, he couldn’t recall her outfit, her hair, or her other facial features. Not that it mattered to him; he probably wouldn’t see her again.

 Once they arrived at their destination, which happened to be a recording for a music show, Jongup was lost in a flurry of stylists touching up on his hair or dabbing makeup on his face. He did nothing but sit in his chair as they fussed over his looks.

Himchan tried to strike a conversation with him and Jongup flashed him a smile, his lips curled up only slightly at the corners and his eyes looking somewhat droopy.

“You look tired. Why don’t you take a nap before we record?” Himchan recommended. “I’ll leave you alone for now.”

Jongup smiled wider and nodded gratefully. He had done this numerous times before just to get Himchan to stop speaking to him and it worked most of the time. He let his eyelids shut replacing his world with darkness.

It had felt like five seconds had gone by when he felt a touch on his shoulder. This time, it was Yongguk telling him to get ready.

He was up on stage in no time and the cheering of the fans was enough to drive him insane. But that all changed when the music began and he started dancing. In dancing, he let his body take over while his mind took a back seat. His body drove him and he had nothing to think of but the movements of his limbs and the rhythm of the music pulsing in his veins. His mouth moved with the words but no sound came out. He never sang live, it wasn’t his thing.

Everything was going well and Jongup was as close to happy as he had ever been until he caught a glimpse of two black orbs flecked with stardust. There she was again, staring at him in the sea of faces with a tiny smile on her lips. He stumbled from the sight, missing a beat and messing the dance up. It was a split second and his body recovered quickly, the music coursing through him again to take control. And in that split second she was gone again.

---

The dorm was drowning in the loudest silence Jongup had ever heard. No one was around but him. He sat in his room with his eyes on the wall. But, he didn’t see the wall. He saw a pair of eyes. Her eyes. Again.

He clutched his head and closed his eyes, breathing in slowly. Her eyes were swimming in his mind and he let out a scream that pierced the silence. His hands clawed at his scalp and he probably would’ve ripped out half his hair if the other B.A.P members had not returned right then.

The first to charge into his room was Daehyun, his eyes wide and alert with his jaw hanging open when he entered the dim room. It took him a second to assess the situation before he was at Jongup’s side with his hands wrapping around the boy’s wrists, gently tugging them down. The older didn’t utter a word but merely sat there holding the boy’s wrists.

By this time the other members had gathered at the doorway, all peering in curiously. Himchan left the crowd and came back moments later with a glass of warm milk in his hands. The others allowed him to pass through. He knelt in front of the boy, and without saying a word, he placed the glass in his hands and ran his fingers through the boy’s hair with a tender smile.

When he didn’t make a move and sat there cradling the glass in his hands, the others began to leave.

“Good night Jongup,” Himchan murmured before he shut the door.

After downing the milk, Jongup placed the glass on the floor and lay back shutting his eyes. He became gripped by dreams of black eyes and motherly actions he had never experience before.

---

The little boy awoke with a fright, his heart leaping out of his chest. The monster had gotten to him but he opened his eyes before it could hurt him. Still, the monster’s pitch black eyes haunted him. He was shivering, on the verge of tears.

And like any other little boy, he got out of bed and headed towards his mother’s room. The door creaked slightly when it opened and he couldn’t help but flinch. Cautiously, he stepped inside the room and saw his mother sound asleep in her bed.

His hand trembled for unknown reasons as he reached out and tapped her shoulder. It took a few tries but she finally woke with an irritated groan and a fierce glare.

“What do you want?” she hissed, still half-asleep.

“I had a bad dream,” he whimpered. His mother sighed.

“Well, it was only a dream. There’s nothing to be afraid of so just go back to bed,” she responded.

“But, I’m afraid the monster will get me again if I go to sleep.”

His mother breathed out another exasperated sigh before getting out of bed and taking him roughly by the hand. She practically dragged him back to his room and pushed him towards his bed.

“There is no such thing as monsters. If you see one, then you’re dreaming so it can’t really hurt you,” she droned as if she detested the thought of standing there at that moment. The little boy had just crawled into bed again, still watching his mother, when she left the room. Pulling the covers up around him as a shield to protect him from monsters, he tried to sleep again but found it hard when all he had wanted from his mother was a glass of warm milk, a tender smile, and comforting words.

Eventually, he fell asleep again and his slumber was haunted by monsters.

---

Her name was Shim Hyesung, he found out the next day when B.A.P was at another music show. He had been backstage, trying to find the dressing room, when she had walked up to him. The first thing he noticed was her eyes again but this time he also took in her other features. She was a petite girl, most likely just hitting the five foot mark, with long arms, abnormally thin legs (he feared that her legs would snap while she was walking), and an oval shaped face framed by wavy black hair. Her thin lips were curled into a smile again, showing two rows of bright white teeth.

She had greeted him immediately, seemingly slinking right out of the shadows. Jongup had been startled but composed himself within seconds, like the professional actor he was.

And now, she merely stood before him smiling nonstop. Jongup wondered if she had any mental problems (not that he didn’t have any of his own) and shifted from foot to foot awkwardly in front of her. His eyes were locked onto hers however, absorbing the strange energy radiating from her black eyes.

He finally could not stand the silence any longer and broke it with a pointless question. “Are you my fan?”

Hyesung’s smile grew wider and Jongup found her almost resembling the Cheshire cat or maybe the Joker. “Yes, I am.”

“Is there something you need? Do you want an autograph or something?” he pushed further, trying to delve into the mystery of this girl.

“No, I’m just happy to be your fan,” she replied. Jongup’s eyes narrowed and he found the situation bordering on creepy and psychotic. “But, I guess I should let you go now.” Hyesung bowed to him before disappearing into the shadows again.

Half of him wanted to follow her, to just let the shadows swallow him up with her. But the other half, the more rational half, decided against doing so. However, it was hard for him to move away from his spot because his eyes were still glued to the last place he’d seen Hyesung and his feet were rooted in place. It could have been his imagination or he was truly going insane, but he thought he heard whispers calling to him from the darkness. He ignored it in the end, prying his eyes away and urging his feet to take him to the dressing room.

When he spun on his heels, he was surprised to find Youngjae standing a couple feet away with his arms crossed over his chest and his eyebrows raised.

“What were you doing?” he asked automatically.

“Just talking to a fan of mine,” Jongup replied before brushing past his group member. He expected Youngjae to pursue him and attack him with more questions but was pleased to find that his walk to the dressing room was a solitary one.

Youngjae stood in the same spot and gazed at Jongup’s back for a while. His eyebrows furrowed in frustration and utter confusion.

“Talking to his fan? But there was no one there,” he muttered.

---

The last time he saw her was much like the first time. Clouds shielded the sky from view as rain fell down to earth. This time though, he had an umbrella in his hands. It was an old umbrella that he’d had for years and this was the first time in a while that he actually used it. The incessant plunking of rain against the nylon shelter ticked him off but he had no desire to walk around like a sopping wet dog that day.

Her eyes were the first ones he noticed as he walked by that same café. She was at a seat by the window this time and seemed to perk up when he brushed past. She tapped on the window and beamed at him, her eyes smiling as well. She gestured for him to come inside, and this time he did.

“Out for another walk today?” she asked when he took a seat beside her.

“Yeah.”

She nodded and stared out the window thoughtfully. “Do you always go out for walks when it rains?”

He had to pause before responding, because quite honestly he didn’t know. The only times he remembered ever going for a walk was when it was raining. He would have liked to call it a coincidence but maybe, deep down inside, he knew that wasn’t the case.

“I guess so,” he responded half-heartedly.

“Why do you sound so sad?” Now, she was staring at him intently with those shining black eyes with her head tilted slightly.

“It’s nothing. It’s all in the past.” He couldn’t meet her gaze and just stared past her shoulder.

She looked to be pondering something, tapping her chin and smiling ever so slightly. She got up to her feet and he sat up straight, filled with curiosity. “Follow me. I have something I wanna show you,” she said. She didn’t give him time to respond because she was already skipping out the door by the time she finished her statement.

He blinked in shock before dashing after her. She was halfway down the block by the time he got outside and her clothes were quickly getting drenched from the rain. Pulling his umbrella out, he sprinted to catch up to her and held the umbrella up to cover them both. She thanked him with a smile and a gentle touch on the hand that felt more real than anything else that had ever touched him.

The only sounds they heard were the thump of their footsteps and the plinking raindrops hitting the pavement. The smell of rain and concrete wafted through the air while the city lights caused the streets to give off an almost surreal glow. They kept walking and it felt almost like they were a part of a story, drifting around in a fantastical world.

She led them to a building, an apartment building to be more specific, and they headed inside. A worker greeted them, so he bowed back but she merely walked past without a glance. He was about to press the button for the elevator but she had other plans, grabbing him by the hand and tugging him towards the stairs. They kept climbing all the way to the top until they reached the roof.

“I like to come up here sometimes just to think. This is the apartment where I live, by the way,” she stated when she opened the door. It was like any other rooftop that he had ever been to so he didn’t understand what she found so special about it.

She immediately sauntered over to sit on the ledge, her legs dangling precariously over the edge. She hummed a light tune and swung her legs back and forth as if she wasn’t ten stories high. His eyes growing wide, he stumbled over to her and gripped her shoulder.

“Are you crazy? What if you fall?” he exclaimed.

“It’s alright. I do this all the time. Besides, it’s kinda fun being so close to the edge that you could fall if you lean over a little too much. Why don’t you try it?” she replied with a grin.

He was about to refuse her offer but then thought, why the hell not, and swept his legs over the edge taking a seat beside her. He soon saw that she was right. His heart threatened to beat out of his chest as he leaned forward to come face to face with the concrete sidewalk below them. And yet, he found it thrilling the more he leaned over and found a certain pleasure from the idea of being right on the precipice of life and death.

“You’re right, this is kinda fun!” He found himself laughing, tasting rain on his tongue. That was when he realized that he had long dropped his umbrella somewhere along the way there. Not that he cared at all (it was a cruddy umbrella after all).

“You see what I mean? It’s not fun being cautious all the time. Just throw caution to the wind, that’s what I like to think,” she chuckled.

They both laughed this time, their laughter dancing in the rain.

“How do you think it would feel like?” she asked suddenly, catching him off guard. He ceased his laughter and scrutinized her.

“What? What are you talking about?”

“Flying,” she said.

“Oh…I don’t know. Why are you asking me that?” He had asked her the question but felt like he already knew the answer.

“If we jumped from here…do you think we could feel what flying feels like? Even for just a second?” She peered down below as she said this, her black star-speckled eyes looking distant.

“Don’t say something like that. Even if you do like throwing caution away, you can’t think things like that,” he replied. “Come on, let’s go back inside. You can dry off at your place.”

“Jump with me,” she whispered. She lifted her head to meet his gaze and he gasped inwardly when he saw her eyes. The little stars had disappeared and he was suffocated by two abysmal black orbs. It reminded him so much of the monster in his nightmares that he choked on his own breaths.

“N-no. I don’t want to,” he stammered. He tried to stagger away but she had already taken his hand in hers, gripping it with inhuman strength.

“Fly with me,” she murmured one last time before she pulled them both over the edge.

And he found that her theory was true, because for a split second it felt as if he was flying.

But it went away too quickly and he had no time to feel the pain when his body collided with the ground.

---

Moon Jongup blinked slowly, and found he was sitting in a pure white room with nothing but a bed in it and a toy train set just like the one he had when he was a kid. There was a door with a tiny window and he was dressed in something similar to a hospital robe with the words Patient Moon Jongup embroidered on it. Without hesitation, he grabbed the two trains and moved them around the tracks until they smashed into one another like it was a routine.

And he continued this process over and over and over again.

Because this was his reality and all other things were merely phantoms he had created in a playground known as his mind.

He was not Moon Jongup the idol, nor was he Moon Jongup the shadow actor. There was no such thing as B.A.P or Shim Hyesung with the black star-speckled eyes who much liked the idea of flying.

He was the little boy who couldn’t go out to play in the rain with the other children. He was the little boy who had nightmares of a monster with pitch black eyes getting to him. And, he was the boy who liked to make a trainwreck over and over and over again.

For he was one himself, fabricating thousands of realities of his own death in his mind while he sat in a white room causing a trainwreck over and over and over again.