Noona.  The boys all called me Noona, and I had to admit that I loved it.  I loved it because that’s how I felt about my job.  I was a junior stylist for Bigbang, but more importantly, I was a part of the family.  I was always cynical about the whole “YG Family” thing, but once I started working with them, I realized it was true.  It was a family, with all the good and bad that came with family.

I had started working with them shortly before the release of Tonight, and it hadn’t taken very long for me to think of the five as my younger brothers.  Sure, I wasn’t as close to them as some of the other stylists, but it wasn’t hard to feel that way about them.  They were so different from each other in so many ways and so similar in other ways.  But for all their differences, it was always clear that these were five good boys.  For all the forced maturity they adopted and stress they managed, they were funny, goofy, lovable boys.  I watched them fight with each other, laugh with each other, ignore one another and support one another.  It was a constant mix of personalities and moods, with one day one knowing exactly how to hurt another in the worst way possible, while another would maybe try to make the situation better.

Everything was going great, with plans for a really big year ahead of the band.  And then Daesung and Jiyong got in trouble.  It was like watching a boxer get punched in the face, followed by an uppercut that left him on the floor.  Daesung’s accident had shocked the whole company, no, you could say the entire country.  But Jiyong’s incident was worse in so many ways because, to be honest, there were a lot of questions in people’s minds after it all went down.  No one in the company knew what it meant for the band or for the boys themselves.  People were really worried about the boys individually – how would Daesung recover mentally and how would Jiyong react emotionally?  Seeing those two trying to deal with the public backlash, the concern of their family, but, most importantly, their own feelings was difficult.  Watching the other three also trying to deal with the reality they were in was painful too.  Of course, they were all wondering what we were all wondering - what would happen to Bigbang?  It was a machine, and only part of that was related to money.  It was the vehicle that employed dozens of people, the reason why people got up in the morning, the way they were able to see their life’s passion become reality.  What would happen if the group wasn’t able to make it through this time?

That uncertainty permeated the building for a few months.  Sure, TOP, Youngbae and Seungri honored the band’s existing commitments, but no one really knew what would happen next, when those were completed.  Then the company found out that the band had been nominated for an MTV award in Europe.  We’d been following the fact that Bigbang were in the running to represent Asia Pacific, but it was still a bit of a surprise that the fans pulled it off.  We knew it was their show of support for the band and the members, and it was truly awe-inspiring.  It gave everyone connected to Bigbang a purpose, a bright light at the end of a very long and dark tunnel.   

The trip to Europe was planned, and it would be the first public event that Daesung and Jiyong would participate in since the trouble.  The length and distance also meant that everyone would be together with few outside distractions or individual activities.  It was new for me, as I’d always been with the team mainly in Seoul where they all were so busy with their own schedules or if the team headed abroad for a quick concert which was always hectic.  I was excited to be a part of the trip, just to see what it would be like.

It was awkward at first, Daesung was quiet, which was normal, and Jiyong was reserved, way more than he normally was.  Instead of taking the lead and turning it on when he had to, he was content to just sit back and follow whatever was going on.  Things got better though, slowly, and it was because these boys did what they always did, what families always do – when they see an imbalance, others push and pull more until balance is restored. 

With Daesung, everyone seemed to step it up.  People gave him room if he needed it, but in general, everyone tried to engage him and make sure he wasn’t lost in his thoughts like the previous months.  And I knew that TOP had a special place for Daesung, but I didn’t know how much until that trip.  What TOP didn’t do to put a smile back on his face.  Make fun of himself, act like the little kid, touch him whenever he could, lovingly.  It was all very gentle and non-threatening and you could tell that Daesung was still a little unused to it, but TOP was going to see to it that Daesung knew he was loved by the people around him.

With Jiyong, it was a little different because he can be so intimidating.  He’s so very polite but he’s also very deliberate.  He did let go once in a while in the past, but now it seemed like he was calculating how his every move would be seen and judged.  Everyone was slightly afraid of his reaction to anything because it wasn’t going to be a genuine reaction, it was going to be weighed against some new set of rules in his mind.  But still, everyone tried to keep him busy, but none quite like the maknae.  Seungri, knowing all too well his role on the team, turned it up to eleven for that trip.  He was a cuter cute, all in an effort to entertain his hyung.

And finally Youngbae.  What can I say about him?  He’s the most mysterious of the group, like you never really know what is cooking up there.  Very perceptive of others’ feelings and always watching everything, Youngbae can be quite difficult to pin down.  But with his usual gift of filling in whatever the group needed, he was going to be the distractor.  He became sillier than normal, with everyone but Daesung and Jiyong.  He joked with us, with the managers, even the photographer, and it worked, because it gave everyone a reason to laugh and a little more room to breathe. 

He was also focused on making sure everyone ate together.  I could see why the fans call him the mom of the group; it may just be a joke, but Youngbae was going to make sure that they sat down and ate together.  You could tell it was partially about making sure that Daesung actually put food in his mouth, but it was also because he knew that’s how you heal – by sharing warm food with people around one table. 

The scene when the boys took the stage after their name was announced was seen as a triumph of sorts by the industry and the media.  Decked out in the designer outfits, walking to the center with all that swagger and lifting the trophy above their heads, many people thought that was the moment Bigbang returned.  That might have been the public image of the end of that awful chapter in their lives and careers, but in reality, the story had been written one line at a time during the entire trip.  It was made up of a multitude of little moments between each of them.  Moments that only family could truly understand the significance of because they were subtle yet deliberate, small yet massive.  Moments I was overjoyed to see, moments that made me more proud than ever to be their noona.