http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BwJXTB3Sypw

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To Shin Hyesung-sshi, the only fire that warms me in my coldest winter:
To Shin Hyesung-sshi, the delightful sunshine of my happiest summer:
To Shin Hyesung-sshi, the lullaby that takes me through a sleepless night:
To Shin Hyesung-sshi, the sweetest dream that I will never awake from:

To my Hyesung-oppa whom I dearly love,

When can I see you again?

When can I stop living in those short memories we’ve made?
Every single step I take remains in that beautiful past
I cannot bring myself to take one more step towards a future without you.

Now that you are gone, how do I live?
The loneliness of winter chills me to the bone
The emptiness of summer swallows the light in my heart
My nights have been plagued with insomnia – thoughts of you.
I cannot live in the imminent reality that I once feared – the days I would never see you or hear from you ever again. That reality has arrived, and for years I have rejected it, but for years – and more to come – I cannot run away from it.

This is the end, isn’t it? The end I refused to acknowledge – seems like this is it. You haven’t replied to my last letter I sent four years back during a harsh summer, yet like a fool I keep waiting, looking forward to something that will never come. My hope for a letter from you will never die, but it is tired. It is with a tired hope that I live every day. As I re-read the letters in your neat handwriting you sent me back when we were young, over and over again, I wonder about you. Have you changed? Is your handwriting still so warm? Is your voice still so husky and comforting? Are you healthy? Are you in pain? Are you happy? These are questions I will never get the answers to, but they will always be on my mind. No, I cannot believe that I will never hear from you again. I cannot say goodbye to your beautiful smile, your gentle voice, your kind heart. This can’t be the end.

I have friends and I have family, people whom I treasured, but who are frustrated at me. Slowly they are slipping away, because I foolishly let them go as I hold onto our past. Because I am selfish, and I would rather you be by my side than anyone else. It’d be nice if it were you spending time with me instead of any other of my loved ones, because those days we spent together were the best days I’ve ever known.

Warmly you came, embracing me. Coldly you left, without a proper farewell. Without a closure you left our story hanging by a thread, which I refused to let go of.

Hyesung-oppa, I love you. I never wanted you to leave. Without you, every day can be as cold as winter. I needed you, and I still do. Why did you leave? Why didn’t you wait for me to grow up, so that I could leave with you and be yours?

These are the words I couldn’t say to you. I didn’t know how to say them then. I didn’t understand how I felt towards you, and I thought expressing these feelings could wait. But you left, and you never knew all these things I wanted to tell you, from deep inside my young heart.

As the end of December approaches, I feel the need to drop all these burdens that weigh me down from reaching for greater heights. I am scared of taking on a new year, and making it crumble just like the past four. I write this letter to you, with hopes of your reply, with hopes for a better year, not another one during which I weary myself with longing for you. Now that I have told you how I feel, I hope that I can stand up and truly move on. Please reply me – please give me the strength that I need which you can give, as my first and only true love.

Merry Christmas, Shin Hyesung-sshi. Don’t catch a cold in this winter, and please keep smiling.

My beloved Hyesung-oppa, when can I see you again?

Yours lovingly
Yeon Seolhwa

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"Are you in pain?"

HYESUNG APEUNYA? XD