I was that guy.  That guy who watched the most beautiful soul go through heartbreak and sat on the side with a shoulder to cry on.  I was that guy who turned up every time the one I wanted called.  That guy who invited him in each time he appeared on my doorstep with tear stain cheeks and shaking hands.  And I was that guy who chickened out every opportunity I had to tell him how I felt.

Junho was a mess after Nichkhun’s wedding.  I had known for ages that Junho had eyes for the Thai prince, but Nichkhun could only see Victoria.  Junho had even gone so far as to make out with the guy the night before his wedding, but it was the alcohol I was sure.  I watched him cry himself to sleep for weeks afterward since he would always end up at my bar and drink himself to sleep with little tears in his eyes.

“I think you should just tell him,” Chansung, my bartender said.  Despite his younger age, he seemed to be more put together than I was.

“I can’t,” I said and watched as Junho laid his head down on the table after his fourth bottle of soju.  “He is a mess, and I would only make it worse.”

“Taec,” Chansung stopped wiping glasses to stare at me seriously.  “It has gone on long enough.  Five months already and if it keeps up, he going to drink himself to death.  You need to save him.  Who knows, he may just fall in love with you back.”

“Not likely,” I muttered and moved to carry Junho up the stairs to the room I had above the bar for times like this.  He mumbled sleepily as I set him in the bed and covered him with the blanket.  Sitting in the chair by the side of the bed, I held his hand and he quieted down in his sleep.

I sighed.  “Why must you keep crying for him?  He isn’t worth your tears anymore.  He can’t come back to you.”  Fresh tears rolled down his cheeks and I brushed them away.  “If I could, I would go back in time and keep him away from Victoria.  I would have told him that you loved him and then he would love you in return and you could be happy and I would be in your place.”  He shifted again, turning a little more toward me, breathing deep and even.  “I love you Junho.  I wish I weren’t so afraid of breaking you.  I wish I wasn’t so scared of you turning away from me.  I wish I could tell you how much better I am for you than anyone else in the world.  But I can’t because I am that guy.  I so afraid I can’t tell you I love you.”

His brow twitched in his sleep and he turned away from me again, probably having restless dreams as he usually did.  I let go of his hand and leaned back in the chair to fall asleep for a few hours.  I woke up before him and made a meager breakfast for the both of us.  Neither of us said anything, but he whispered a soft thank you before leaving.  Same routine, nothing changing.

A few days later, Nichkhun came into the bar with Junho and some other friends and ordered a round for everyone.  “We are celebrating!” he called.

“What are we celebrating?” I asked.  Everyone stared at him curiously.

“I am going to be a father!”  He smiled brightly as cheers went around and I saw Junho slip out of the room.  I congratulated Khun and went to follow Junho.

To my greatest surprise, he wasn’t crying, just standing outside watching the sky.

“Junho?” I said quietly. 

He didn’t even look at me.  “It was bound to happen right?  I mean, he is married and all so it is only natural that they would have kids.”

“Yeah,” I nodded and leaned on the wall next to him.

“Why are you here?”

“It’s my bar.  I work here.”

He chuckled.  “No.  Why are you out here with me?  Why are you always out here with me?”

This would be the time to tell him.  But, like the scared guy I was, I didn’t.  “Because I worry about you.”

He stared at me for a moment, not really believing me.  He sighed and looked down.  “I am going to go home.  I don’t feel well.  Tell Khunnie congrats for me.”

He walked away and I was left staring at his back.  How much longer could I watch him from behind and do nothing?  It was all I ever did, look on as he walked away.

“Taec!  Where’s Junho?”  Nichkhun came up and stood next to me.

“I hate you right now,” I said quietly.  “I hate that you made him love you.  I hate that you don’t love him in return.  And I hate that I can’t tell him to turn around and see me.”

Khun put his hands on my shoulders.  “He isn’t going to see you until you make him.”

I shook my head.  I couldn’t hate Khunnie.  He was too nice, too understanding.  Too perfect.  No wonder everyone loved him.  Here I was, an outsider to a complicated love triangle.

“Go get him you dummy,” Khun pushed me away.

“I have to work,” I said lamely.

“Chansung can handle it.  Go get him.”

“He doesn’t want me.”

“Taecyeon,” Khun growled, his face growing dark.  “I got married knowing full well that Junho loved me.  I did it because I knew you were there and I trusted you to make him better.   You are severely disappointing me and if you do not go get him right now and tell him, I am going to punch you in the throat and tell him myself.  Stop being an idiot and go get him.”

No choice but to follow in the direction of the little angel I loved, I dragged my feet to his apartment.  No one ever said anything about it, but Khun was really terrifying when he was mad and I was sure he would follow through on his threat.  I wound my way to Junho’s apartment.  I could probably find the place with my eyes closed.

I raised a fist to knock, and then changed my mind.  What the hell was I doing here?  What would I say once he opened the door?  Would he open the door?  I was going crazy, loosing my mind slowly, tortuously.

“You gonna stand there all night?”  Junho leaned on the doorframe, arms crossed on his chest, watching my mental battle.

“Yeah, probably.”

He sighed.  “I am alright Taec, really.”

“I’m not.  I can’t do this anymore, Junho.  I can’t keep following after you.  I can’t keep putting you back together because it is breaking me apart.”  I shoved my hands in my pockets and stared at my shoes.  Well, this wasn’t going well.

“Then why do you?”  His voice was resigned.  “Ah, nevermind.  You don’t need to explain.  I already know that you have given too much for me.  I know I am a burden to you.  Just go home, Taecyeon.”

He moved to close the door and my hand shot out on its own, stopping it before he shut me out completely.  Now or never.

~*~*~*~

He didn’t want to be here, I knew it.  Taecyeon couldn’t handle me anymore and I couldn’t blame him.  So it surprised me when he stopped the door from closing.  I thought he would have let it go and left.  I thought he would have given up by now.

I had started seeing him differently every time he came to my rescue.  He was the one strong and solid presence in my life and I had come to depend on that in the last few months.  And then, a few nights ago, he carried me upstairs at his bar and held my hand and whispered sweet things he didn’t think I could hear.

Did he really love me?  Why had he never said anything?  Probably for the same reasons I never told Nichkhun.  The next couple days, I stayed away from him and his place, trying to sort everything out.  It was because of him that when Khunnie said he was going to be a father, there were no tears.

I knew it was coming.  I had seen those changes in Victoria and guessed at the cause, but when the news finally came out, there was nothing inside but a quiet acceptance.  That love I had for Khun had been placed on a shelf to be admired, but never used again. 

“Don’t, please,” Taec said quietly, pushing the door open again.  “I can’t go through what you’ve gone through.  I can’t stand by and watch the one I love walk away any more.  I am not strong like you, Junho.  I couldn’t bear it.”

“What are you talking about, Taec?”  My heart was pounding in my chest.  What was this feeling?

He laid his hands on my shoulders and steeled himself to admit what came next.  “I love you, Lee Junho.  I know you don’t feel the same way, but you have to know this.  I am going crazy here, not telling you.”

Did he really say that?  He stood there, chest rising and falling as he realized what he just said.  I watched as that resolve turned into panic and fear.  His hands fell away and he backed up and I could see that readiness to turn and bolt away.

“I don’t love you,” I said calmly.  “Not yet, anyways.”

“W-what?”

I studied him, his smooth features, his worried expression, how his hands flexed a little with a need to reach out.  My heart was fluttering nervously.

“I don’t love you yet.  But I want to.  I can’t promise anything, but maybe, if you are willing to be patient, I will love you more than you love me.”

“I am not even asking for that,” Taec came a step closer.  “Just don’t push me away.  Let me show you what it is like to be loved.  I want to fill all those empty spaces in your heart.”

I smiled genuinely for the first time in a long time.  If anyone could love me the way I needed to be loved, it was this man in front of me.    I couldn’t call this feeling that swirled in my chest love.  Not yet anyways, but I was certain I would get there.

~*~*~*~

“Taec!” Nichkhun called to me from the other room.  He was trying to wrangle his three year old into pajamas.  “Come help me pin this little monster down!”

I laughed loudly at the sight of my friend wrestling with his son, trying to get a foot in a pant leg.  “No way.  You are on your own.  Besides, I’m on his side.”

“Some help you are, you useless beast,” Khunnie growled playfully.

As he left to put his son to bed, I moved into the kitchen to watch the two people at the sink laughing with each other.  Victoria was drying dishes as she talked with the love of my life.

“When are you going to have kids, Junho?” she said, taking the last of the plates.

“Dunno.  Taec and I haven’t talked a lot about it, but I think he will make a good father.”

My heart swelled at the words Junho spoke and he turned around, drying his hands off and smiled at me.

“I think you both will,” she said and I took Junho into my arms and breathed in the scent of his shampoo. 

“Can I love you forever, Lee Junho?” I whispered into his hair.

He spoke, leaning further into me.  “Please do.”