Reality

Explain

Anything

More?

 

Than that? Reality is just a forced perspective of what we all believe- or are convinced into believing- is correct, right, or proper. Reality is just a mask of uniformity that we all unconsciously strive to achieve as we pull others down and degrade them until they are no longer a part of our living hell as they sink into one of two places: their own personal 'reality' or the 'reality' after this. Since when were we so dependent on viewing a life as something as insignificant as 'reality' anyway? And why... do I still want to belong to this one? Is it really because of you?

 

Did

Reality

Ever

Accept

Me?

 

The answer is an iron-clad, resounding, 'no.' If such an acceptance existed I was none the wiser to it as my face met with a new locker door everyday of the week, or as I nursed the new bleeding and gaping wounds on my body. It's nothing unusual, after all, I'm the horrible gay male of society. They will never accept me. It's too scary, too new, too... anti-reality.

In 'reality' guys love girls, and girls love guys.

So when I come along, they wish to push me out as far as they can. They wish to smite my entire being with whatever possible thing they can; wounds, insults, hatred, disowning- I've lived it all.

So when you arrived in my life, I thought you were a god send. You were fearless! Well, almost; because then reality came by in the form of your parents. May God bless your sister though, she is one of the kindest, caring, and understanding humans this world has left to offer. Although, reality could not deter her from being friendly and supporting you- and me- the moment reality reared its ugly head in your direction, you took the opposite path of your sister. You became cold, harsh, and cruel. Was I ever anything but honest with you? Was my patience too unforgiving? My kindness too heartless?

 

Do you

Really

Ever plan to

Accept...

Me?

 

This seems so stupid now. I gave up on 'reality' long ago though, and I even tried my own 'reality'- unfortunately you let their reality come between us. What's really sad is that I still love you; however, I've tried everything else. I need the 'reality' that comes after this- maybe, just maybe, that one will be better. As it stands though, I'm sorry.

 

Mother, Father, I believe that some part of you still cares for your "biggest disappointment," so I'm sorry. Don't spend anymore money on me. Do yourselves a favor and cremate my remains. That way I'll no longer be that eye sore you've always worried about, alright? I'm really sorry that I can't change who I am though, because I won't change- ever. Even in death I will continue to be the shameful bastard, Do Kyungsoo that you raised.

 

Kris, I'm even more apologetic to you. You have no control over reality, and you're human. You want to conform to the standards of 'reality.' I understand, but I can't take anymore. So, I'm sorry, but...

 

I still love you.

 

~Soo

 

 

~*~*~*~

 

Kris growled at himself as his hold tightened on the letter that Kyungsoo had written. What had they all put this boy through? He knew he hadn't been the best boyfriend ever- alright, he was the worst boyfriend in the universe at this point- but did he really need to go to such lengths? Kris continued to mentally berate himself and Kyungsoo, and Kyungsoo's parents for this entire thing. After all, who started such a hopeless situation? Another growl escaped him as he shifted a bit, his eyes landing on Kyungsoo's still form lying on the bed beside him.

 

"I'm sorry." Kris' voice held a shaky quality, almost like he was broken, maybe at this point he was. "You deserve better than me!" He yelled out in frustration as he slammed Kyungsoo's letter onto the bedside table. Standing up, he crossed to the younger and knelt beside his bed, taking Kyungsoo's hand in his, he began to quietly ramble to the still form. "You've always been the one to talk about hopes and dreams. You constantly told me how I had to be more positive, hold onto my dreams and chase after them." Kris stopped to swallow the invisible lump that seemed to have taken residence in his throat. "Soo, I'm so sorry. I do love you, I've always accepted you. It was me I couldn't accept. Why is it that even among your countless dreams, you still saw in everyone else what we refused and denied? Soo, don't leave me like this." His pleading continued as tears began to trail down his cheeks. 

 

He had failed Kyungsoo when the younger needed him most, but he couldn't help but hope- couldn't help but dream, that Kyungsoo would come back to him. Maybe that's why when he heard the quiet beeps from the machine grow stronger over the days he began to hold onto hope and believe in dreams once again. Sure, 'reality' , and life will never be perfect, but maybe- he can make his own 'reality' with Kyungsoo, this time foregoing the outside world. This new thought held promise to Kris as he allowed his eyes to wander over the pale face of Kyungsoo's. The younger's eyelids were closing his normally wide eyes, his cheeks were sunken, and his lips were chapped, his hair was matted to his forehead as his temperature had been a struggle throughout the day. His stomach had been pumped of the medication the younger had taken so much of, but his body was still reacting to something. Kris couldn't recall the exact terms and names the doctors and nurses had been throwing around, all he knew was that Kyungsoo's parents had only been in the building for a total of ten minutes to set eyes on the boy they had mercilessly thrown out to the unforgiving world and turn their backs on before telling the hospital staff that Kris was to be responsible for any 'decisions.' Another burst of anger was bubbling in the pit of Kris' stomach as he recalled their outright refusal to read the letter "that thing" (as they put it) wrote, and he had to take a deep breath to calm himself down. 

 

Time was completely lost to him as he had cut off his phone, and the windows were completely covered, the television remained a black screen, and the ticking on the clock was drowned out by the consistent beeping and dripping of the devices around the head of the bed and lining the wall. He could have been in this position for hours for all he knew, but when the nurse came in she quietly reprimanded him after he gave her a slight nod. He was only vaguely aware of taking a seat in a chair that the nurse must have pushed toward him, his entire being more focused on Kyungsoo. It was only as the click of the door sounded out against the machine's sounds that Kris finally brought himself to speak again.

 

"Soo, I promise that I will work hard at being the man you deserve. I know what they're all thinking, that you're going to take a turn because of that allergy of yours, but you won't- I won't let you. You were always the one to tell me what I thought was reality was fake and that I needed to take a chance and dream a little more. I'm doing that now, so you have to come back." He was bargaining with someone he doubted could hear him, but he didn't care. "My dream is that you'll get better, and we'll both move away from here. My dream is that I will be able to take you far away from such an unforgiving society and such a disgraceful family. My dream is that I will make you happy and you won't ever feel this need again. My dream is that I will only need dreams when you're not here, that reality won't detract from us, that I can get away from my parents as well. My dream is to make all of your dreams come true." It was a monologue filled with tears and sobs, but as the word 'true' left Kris' lips, he pressed a gentle kiss to the back of Kyungsoo's hand.

 

Silence reigned once more. Kris wasn't expecting a reply, he knew that it wasn't just a series of promises that would bring Kyungsoo back to consciousness- especially when you take into account the medications coursing through the younger's system. If Kris was honest, the incessant beeping of the machines both irritated and soothed him. The irritation came because it was an annoying sound, the shrill quality it held caused him to arch his shoulders slightly every now and again. The soothing came because as long as that machine beeped, he knew Kyungsoo would be okay- which was what he wanted the most. Kris zoned out as he continued to gaze at the younger's face, the past few months replaying through his mind. A small part of him couldn't help but wonder why Kyungsoo had been so patient with him- but he knew the younger had said it in his own way. Kris was Kyungsoo's world.

 

"D. Do Kyungsoo

"R. Remember our promises.

"E. Even though I'm an idiot,

"A. And you could have done better.

"M. Me and you will always be."

 

Kris paused as his words hung in the air, he knew he didn't deserve forgiveness from Kyungsoo when the younger awoke, but he would do everything he could to make it up to him. As much as disappointing his parents had pained him, seeing Kyungsoo like this hurt him even more deeply- he just couldn't believe it took him this long to figure that out. Kris allowed his thoughts to continue to wander, planning out what he could do to make it up to Kyungsoo and how he would be different from now on. After some time, Kris' train of thought had escaped him and sleep overcame his exhausted form as he fell asleep with his cheek gently resting against Kyungsoo's stomach, the younger's hand still tightly clasped in his own.

 

"Me and you will always be." Seemed to echo throughout the room hours later though. Even as Kris' breathing filled the seemingly quiet room, the promise seemed to penetrate everything. The machines continued their steady beeps, the clock continued to be drowned out as it ticked away the seconds, and the saline solution in the bag above the bed continued dripping into the tube connected to Kyungsoo's arm. It was only as the light of the following day began to edge over the horizon that the consistency of the sounds from patient Do Kyungsoo's room was interrupted in the form of a twitching finger, then a twitching hand, followed by the sounds of a ruffling sheet. Kris was unheard, but his sincerity was. Kris' words were lost to the air, but his promises were caught in the trap that was Kyungsoo. Kris was asleep, but Kyungsoo was finally waking up.

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Author's Note:

Okay, considering the idea for this sotry came from a sparkling, red and silver sign that spoke about finding "DREAM gifts" for your loved ones... I have no idea how "DREAM" turned into what it did.

Sorry if this was a little heavy... but at least I gave it a happy (albeit suspensful) ending! ^^;

Thanks for commenting, subscribing, and reading as you so choose!

~Ling<3