Lying face down on the sofa after a long recording session, he looked vulnerable. His legs in the air, his face hidden in his arms, Top could see the white, soft skin of his neck. He didn't understand why, but he kept looking at his then half blonde hair, darker at the roots, ending in a triangle shape, giving way to lighter, softer hair that he imagined would stand up whenever the owner heard music that he loved.

 

Top abruptly looked the other way, feeling he needed a moment to think. Covering his mouth with his hand, he realized he didn't know what to do with the boy next to him anymore. Right now, he knew that he couldn't look at him, and couldn't utter a word to him. Something about him made him feel this way: confused and cornered. He tried to give himself more air by pulling at his shirt, but it didn't seem to work much. And Ji Yong didn't have to do anything.

 

Doubting, he reached out to him. His hand stopped, but one look at his messy short hair made it move on its own. He felt his hand tremble as it touched his neck. GD made a small muffled noise through his arms, but didn't move an inch. Moving his hand slowly, Top his hair. He could hardly believe how soft his skin was, and shut his eyes as he felt his heart slam in his chest.

 

'Your hand is warm, Seung-hyun,' GD mumbled.

Top didn't know how to reply to that, and instead traced the spiral of his little ear with his finger. He heard his deep breaths, but he didn't want to stop now that he had his hand on him. Turning as slowly as he dared, he ended at his earlobe and returned to his neck, following his spine downwards, moving to his shoulders. GD breathed and made small twitches under his fingers. Top thought he was about to lose his mind when he realized he was making Ji Yong moan. Ji Yong, who had never been anything but kind to him and had made him feel sky high to even know him. Seung-hyun sighed, feeling zero relief from it. His heart was banging out of his control, and he was sure a blood pressure like this was unhealthy.

 

Ji Yong turned his head and looked up to him with a smile. Top moved his hand along, ending on his cheek. Seeing his happy eyes, he knew that he would probably never truly see how he was throwing everything inside of his head into chaos; how nervous he made him, even though it never showed; and how he was making him run after him until he couldn't run anymore. Not a day had passed the previous years when he hadn't thought about him, when he hadn't based all of his decisions on being with him. And maybe it was better this way. He couldn't imagine himself confessing, not now, and definitely not to Ji Yong. So he smiled back and let go.

 

 

Saturday, the 11th of August, 2012

5.04 PM