“I’ve something to tell you,” Woohyun began.

   “What is it?” I asked.

   “I’m going on hiatus. I don’t know for how long.”

   I stared at his imaginary figure for a while, trying to search for the answers in his eyes, which were as good as stones to me. Soon, the crimson leaves which fell like confetti vanished, together with the woody scents of autumn. All that was left in our made-up space was the infinite whiteness of it all. Nothing but a blank room, filled with silence and questions left unasked.

   “Will you return?” I managed to ask.

   “I can never be too sure,” he answered.

   “I understand,” I said.

   “Thank you, Sunggyu.”

   “For what?”

   “For the silence.”

   “I don’t quite understand.”

   “You don’t have to,” Woohyun reassured me. “I’m glad I met you.”

   After that, our conversations revolved around the mundane things again. From our favorite books to the kind of music we would usually listen to. He was more into R&B while I preferred something livelier than that. I sort of took note of his preferences, because I thought in that way, I would be able to see certain things through his eyes. We didn’t seem to notice the time. But maybe we did, we simply didn’t want to end what we started.

   It was seven in the morning when we finally logged out. I had to at least get some rest in order to catch up with my afternoon class. I fell asleep, then, without having the idea that our longest conversation would also be our last.

<:>

   We were told beforehand that our class would take part in the Cancer Awareness Month which would take place in October. I was grouped with Yonghwa, Minhyuk and Jungshin. We unanimously decided that we would translate a song by Simple Plan and present it to the public. The title was ‘Save You’. The process was quite frustrating, but we were able to pull through and by mid-September, the four of us were already in the recording studio, perfecting the riffs and rhythm down to the very last note.

   The lyrics, in a way, spoke differently to me. Whenever I sang it, I would think of Woohyun. I couldn’t even imagine him having cancer, but I sincerely did want to ‘save’ him at that time. Maybe I used the wrong word. Saving him would be too heroic of me. I guess all I wanted was to show him that he wasn’t alone—that I’d be there for him.

   We were all required to wear pink shirts for the presentation, and the venue was right in front of the City Hall. It was an open air concert, and our teacher explained that it would be a good exposure for us, who pursued music.

<:>

winter-daze
2012-10-18 03:15
tagged as: #poem #queue

Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.

—Mary Elizabeth Frye

<:>

winter-daze
2012-10-19 03:15
tagged as: #journal entry

   Before I left I made sure I’d queue some things—one for every day. It would take some time before the last post gets displayed, but that doesn’t matter for now.

   I have been stargazing these past few weeks, considering the sky’s pretty clear. It’s quite nice, especially when you’re lying down while hearing the chirps of the crickets. Thoughts have been flooding my mind lately, and I had this weird notion that if the sky up there could make you float, then the sky down here could make you sink. I’m talking about the ocean.

   The sky is like the ocean, only the starfish up there sparkle.

   The more you stare at the stars, the smaller you become. The reality of being nothing but a speck of dust in this huge world would hit you harder. And so, I suppose people wouldn’t even know that you’re gone, because they’re too caught up trying to become something greater than what they are now.

<:>

stargazer
2012-10-25 22:56
tagged as: #personal

   I just got home from doing an activity, and all I could see at that time was a sea of pink and the blinding lights. It was my first time singing in front of a huge crowd, and now that I knew how it felt like, I could compare it to the sensation you’d feel whenever you’re underwater, or when you’re riding a swing.

   Everything will sound groggy and slow, but at the same time, the pulse of your heartbeat is really fast and you get butterflies in your stomach.

   While singing that particular song, I thought of someone, and I realized that even happy memories could actually hurt.

<:>

   “Pass me that wrench, Sunggyu,” Dad said with an outstretched hand. We were stained with grease, yet again, and I regretted wearing a white shirt on that day. I knew for sure that my loving mother would nag at me once I get home. I passed him the tool, and he murmured something which sounded like ‘thanks’.

   I wiped the sweat from my brow with the blue face towel draped around my neck before approaching him.

   “What was the highlight of your marriage, Dad?” I asked out of the blue.

   He paused for a while to think, and then he grinned. “When we had you, Sunggyu.”

   I scoffed.

   “We had a lot of happy memories,” he added. He seemed to hesitate, but he said it all the same. “And sometimes, it’s the happiest memories that could scar the most.”

   I could have sworn that tears were beginning to form in his eyes. Out of impulse, I kicked one of the car’s wheel, and remarked, “You should buy a new one. This piece of crap gets sick almost every bloody month.”

   Dad simply chuckled. “There’s too many happy memories made in this piece of crap, Sunggyu. I can’t dispose of it that quickly.”

   “But you said happy memories could scar the most.”

   “Ah,” he mused. “I guess you have a masochistic father, then, Sunggyu-yah.”

   I sighed, and with a wave of a hand I told him that I would grab a drink for the both of us. Doing this and that for the past few weeks was a good distraction. I was often out of the house lately, and I even considered doing another part-time job just to keep me away from the Internet. I backed out, though, because I didn’t want to risk my time I set aside for studying and composing.

   I wanted to keep myself as busy as I could, because I knew that it would never be enough for two people to simply meet beneath illusory stars.

"Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged."
- Colossians 3:21