Tuesday, April 17^th, 10:05 PM

By the time everyone was walking back into the dorm, exhaustion hung over all of their heads. After their performance, which they’d had to stay longer until the show finished, their manager had taken them all out to eat. As much as Sandeul had enjoyed it, his mind was in another place entirely.

He couldn’t get over what had happened earlier between Jinyoung and him. There was no way he could even look at him after that, and neither did he feel the other’s gaze like he normally did. If it was possible, you could almost physically feel the awkward tension that had formed like a thick fog between them. They didn’t even glimpse in the other’s direction the drive to the studio, while backstage, on stage, and when at the restaurant. Their eyes didn’t cross once, and he knew that the other members had caught onto this but said nothing.

Dongwoo had given him curious looks whenever he could, which the brunette would shrug to as if he didn’t know what was going on.

Migrating himself to the couch, he watched mindlessly as Sunwoo and Chanshik began some sort of racing video game from the other sofa. Making sure to completely avoid Jinyoung at all costs, although it wasn’t actually difficult since the leader was doing the same.

The rapper and younger were engaged in conversation, but he wasn’t listening well enough to know what they were saying.

His mind wouldn’t let him forget what had happened and the considerations he’d taken into account. Why would he even begin to think something like that in the first place? Jinyoung was his friend, the leader of their band, the perfect role model and idol, how could he attempt to taint that image?

He wasn’t sure if to be disgusted or appalled with himself, that he would actually want something like that. They were friends, nothing more. So why, after an accidental closeness, would his thoughts turn on him like this? He didn’t understand why his mind would put that thought into his head. If only he could pass it off as a joke, that he’d been kidding with himself, but he hadn’t. There had been an urge, one that was subtle, but enough for him to notice. As soon as he’d looked at his mouth, he’d wanted to close the short distance between them.

His face flushed red at the images beginning to develop through his head, the idea of their lips pressed gently together, it made him fall over on the couch to bury his face into the armrest.

This wasn’t ok. It wasn’t ok to think things like this, especially about the leader, about his friend. It was like he was stepping over a forbidden boundary. He knew that it was wrong, but why couldn’t he pull the images out of his head? He found himself playing over different scenarios of what could have happened, and by the time he realized, his mind was out of hand. It felt like he was slowly being burned. Even though his face was pressed into the couch, his skin felt unreasonably hot and clammy all the way to his ears.

Sandeul was becoming quite positive that he’d never been sick at all, that all these symptoms might be caused by something else, or someone else for this matter. He didn’t know for sure, so he held onto the possibility that he was actually ill and that these foreign sensations would pass within a few weeks. Right now, he may be experiencing the worst of it, and after a few days it would eventually calm down and everything would return to normal.

But nothing could erase the memory. He wished that it hadn’t actually happened, that it had been a dream he’d brought into reality. There was a possibility that he could have believed this, if the burgundy haired male wasn’t avoiding him as well.

He was sure that Jinyoung felt as uncomfortable about it as he did, and he was sure that the whole moment had been an accident. But nothing could dismiss his feelings. If he hadn’t thought them at all; then things wouldn’t be so difficult. He was sure that by now they would have forgiven each other, and maybe even teased one another over it. But this wasn’t the case. It made him frustrated and confused, to the point of wanting to rip his hair out and dig a hole in the ground to live out the rest of his life.

If he gave this time, he was sure that the ideas would eventually fade. They were only fresh in his mind since it had taken him by surprise. He hadn’t expected Jinyoung to get so close to him, kissing could have been a reality.

But it all would have been on accident, that was what this entire situation was; an accident. Nothing more, it didn’t mean anything. By his reaction, the singer hadn’t meant to get so close to him either.

He was probably overthinking again, stretching the occurrence into something that it wasn’t.

They needed to talk about it, because if they didn’t, nothing would get solved. There was no way he could presume the other to play something like this off as if it hadn’t happened at all, he was much too responsible. If it were like all of the other times, it was more understandable since their situation hadn’t been as compromising.

As much as it made him nervous to think he’d have to face the other about this, it needed to be done. He couldn’t put it off; if he did then their relationship would grow more and more awkward until it was permanently scathed, which was something much worse than where it was at now.

He just had no idea how to approach him about this. What was he supposed to say? In actuality, Jinyoung should be the one apologizing since he had been the one to make the move, but it didn’t feel right having only him say sorry. Neither was he sure if the leader was thinking the same things as him, he didn’t know if he was thinking of a way to apologize or not. He had the feeling that Jinyoung was most likely beating himself up over it, which made him feel remorseful to prolong their meeting.

One of them would have to push past the uncomfortable tension to apologize first, and as much as Sandeul didn’t want to be that person, he might have to be. Even though Jinyoung was more than likely to crack and come talk to him, he had to mentally prepare himself if this didn’t happen.

Eventually lifting himself up from the couch he mentally sighed, wanting to talk with Jinyoung about what had happened before tomorrow. If he got a nights rest on it, then his decisions might be altered. Also if they didn’t end up confronting each other, then their dance practice tomorrow was going to be extremely unnerving.

“What are you doing over there, Sandeul? You’re being too quiet, it’s freaking me out.” Sunwoo proclaimed loudly, the one in question turning his attention on him even though the rapper had his eyes glued to the T.V.

Sandeul glanced between the two for a moment, noticing how concentrated they both looked. Chanshik was biting his lip while smirking lightly, Sunwoo on the other hand frowning with creased brows.

“Thinking.” responded the brunette, removing his eyes from them to watch the television. He could now see why their expressions were the way they were, Gongchan was easily winning. “Wow, you Baro.”

“Shut up! I swear he’s cheating!” Sunwoo snapped angrily, causing Sandeul to chuckle to himself.

“Am not.” the blond defended. “Maybe if you didn’t accelerate so fast around corners—”

“Don’t tell me how to play!” the rapper barked, speeding down a straightaway at over ninety miles an hour in an attempt to catch up.

“It doesn’t matter what you do, you’re still going to lose.” Chanshik taunted as he got ever closer to the finish line.

“So mean…” he trailed sadly. “You could at least let me win once...”

Sandeul turned back to look at their faces, Sunwoo was pouting at the screen while Chanshik continued to smirk. It was a nice change to see the blond haired boy back to himself. Lately he’d noticed some strange behavior from him, like he wasn’t himself anymore. He noticed it when they’d been on stage; he’d missed dance moves frequently like distracted by something. As soon as they’d finished their performance, he disappeared for easily twenty minutes without anyone knowing where he went. Then all of a sudden, he had appeared five minutes before they left for dinner without an explanation.

He didn’t know what was going on, maybe he was just imagining there was and the other was completely fine; but he had an off feeling about him every once in a while. Though these disappearances weren’t anything new, he’d been noticing them for nearly a month now. Not sure if he was the only one taking note of them or not, it made him curious as to what he was doing, if he was doing anything at all.

There was pity he felt for him, their manager had nearly shouted at him after their performance for being so off on most steps. He could tell he’d been easily hurt by her words, but didn’t let it show. Sunwoo had been there to stop her before the indignant feelings showed, and minutes later he went missing without a word. No one seemed to notice in fact that he was gone at all until it had already been fifteen minutes.

Multiple times had he wanted to ask the younger if everything was alright, but he was sure his response would be positive even if it wasn’t the truth. He hadn’t mentioned his observations of the blond to anyone else, namely since Dongwoo and Jinyoung worried about him enough as it is. Sunwoo would probably be a little more lenient, but then again when it came to the younger, he could be quite protective.

“I give up!” Sunwoo suddenly announced, laying the controller on the table to bury his face in his hands.

Chanshik cheered next to him; having won another race he wore a satisfied smile. After placing his controller down next to the others, he brought his attention to the loser. “You can always try again.”

“No, you’re a cheater.” the rapper mumbled through his hands. “I don’t want to ever want to play another game like this with you. It only leads to my despair.” you could almost see a dark cloud hanging over his bowed head.

“Then what about something else?” he asked anxiously, beginning to poke the other in the shoulder repeatedly. “Remember what you promised?”

Sandeul raised an eyebrow at this, not knowing anything of a promise the two made. He wasn’t even sure if they remembered he was in the same room.

Sunwoo lifted his head to give Gongchan a soft smile. “I know, and I’ll keep to It.” he immediately yawned after his words. “But I’m tired, so how about we’ll do whatever you want to do after dance practice tomorrow?” the rapper inquired, standing up to stretch his arms forward.

Chanshik frowned at his back, a look of obvious disappointment over his face.

Sandeul took that moment to also stand. “Can I talk to you for a minute?” he questioned the other brunette. He figured that now was better than ever to talk to him about what has been happening to him as of late. Out of everyone, he was sure that Sunwoo would hopefully understand the best.

He glanced in his direction with a curious face, but nodded inevitability.

Taking his forearm, he led him towards the door. Not trusting the walls in their dorm for the conversation he wanted to have.

“I thought you just wanted to talk?” Sunwoo asked with clear confusion in his voice, but still followed.

“Yeah, where no one else can hear.” he added quickly. Making sure they both had shoes on, he opened the door.

They were halfway out the door before another voice stopped them.

“Where are you two going?” Sandeul turned his head to see Dongwoo with an eyebrow raised and a cautious appearance. 

“Out for a minute.” the brunette replied hastily, continuing out the door with Sunwoo in tow.

There was no choice but for their conversation to be dropped by Sandeul shutting the door. He moved down the short corridor quickly, trying to fight the cold that was settling over his frame. Despite being indoors, there wasn’t that well ventilation through the hallways.

When he stopped, they were halfway down the first flight of stairs. Letting go of Sunwoo’s arm, he crossed his own tightly over his chest.

A moment of undesirable silence passed through the tranquil stairway until words were spoken.

“So,” Sunwoo began unsurely, “what’s bothering you?”

Sandeul honestly had no idea how to start. There were so many things he wanted to get off his chest to someone; but he didn’t know how Sunwoo would react. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to tell him everything in case the rapper told him something he didn’t want to hear. Should he tell him about the incident between Jinyoung and him? Should he tell him that he didn’t think he was actually sick? What if he didn’t take anything he said seriously? What if instead, he would make fun of him?

Sighing quietly, he could feel nerves pinching his skin resulting in goose bumps. “If I was sick, wouldn’t I have more symptoms than this?” he asked, eyeing the other whose brows creased in frustration.

“That’s all you wanted to ask?” he groaned irately. “And I thought it was something serious.” the rapper turned to go back up the stairs. “I’m tired Sandeul, look it up on your laptop or something.”

Before he got up the stairs, his brain went into a frenzy of thoughts. “I just want to hear your opinion.” he blurted, hands uncrossing themselves to bundle into fists by his side.

Sunwoo halted his movements, turning to lean on the hand railing and cross his arms casually.  “You want to hear what I think?” the rapper questioned, if not a little skeptically.

He nodded.

“I don’t think you’re sick.” he stated in a flat tone. “I mean, how do you feel now? Do you feel even remotely sick?”

“Not really…” the duck trailed, his heart sinking into his stomach that the possibility he was ill being disheveled. He had known that he most likely wasn’t, but he refused to believe it for the sole purpose of having an excuse for his feelings.

“Dongwoo and I have had our suspicions; in fact he doesn’t think you’re sick at all.” Sunwoo mentioned, giving the other a rigid look. “At first we thought so, but after tonight seeing you completely fine, he figures it was just nerves earlier. That or you were faking to get out of the photo shoot.”

“I wasn’t!” he immediately defended, frowning at the accuser.

His expression instantly lighted, waving his hands passively after pulling them away from his chest. “No, no! I believe you. After all, you looked horrible.” It was like he couldn’t resist jabbing at him again.

“Would you let that go?” Sandeul snapped, annoyed that both him and Dongwoo had commented on his appalling appearance.

“Sorry.” he mentioned off handedly, grabbing onto the railing as he took a step up. “Was that it?” even though his voice was concerning, the duck could tell he didn’t want to talk anymore.

Many seconds passed with him mentally debating to tell Sunwoo what was seriously bothering him. But feeling too ashamed to bring it up, he kept his mouth shut. “Yeah, thanks.” he resolved, adding in a faint smile.

“Sure.” Sunwoo responded, continuing up the stairs with Sandeul following close after.

He began beating himself up over not talking about it. He knew it would continue to bother him if he didn’t let it out. He was afraid of what Sunwoo would think, or how he would react to hearing what had almost happened, even if it was an accident. Most likely he would feel better after hearing what the other thought, but he couldn’t bring himself to touch on the topic. If he couldn’t with Sunwoo, he probably wouldn’t be able to with Jinyoung either, which scared him. There was too much confusion in his mind for his words to be correct. He had to figure out what his own thoughts had meant before speaking to someone else about them.

“While we’re away from everyone,” the rapper crooked his head in Sandeul’s direction as they headed towards the dorm. “Did something happen between you and Jinyoung?”

“No, why?” Sandeul’s mouth replied on autopilot. He sounded incredibly guilty and it wasn’t lost on the other brunette whatsoever.

He stopped all together to turn and face the suddenly uncomfortable duck. “What happened? Don’t try to deny it; you two are avoiding each other like the plague.”

“Nothing.” Sandeul found his attention traveling to the other’s feet. The fact that he lost eye contact proved his guiltiness; unfortunately he didn’t realize this until after his pupils had found sudden wonderment in his shoes.

“Did you guys fight while at the dorm earlier? Everyone can feel the stiffness when you two are even remotely close to each other, it’s not exactly comfortable.” he mentioned as a matter of fact.

If he wanted to tell him what happened, now would be the best time to do it. Sunwoo was practically setting up the pieces for him, all he had to do was open his mouth and say it. It’s not like Sunwoo would by angry at him, the worst that would happen is he goes and tells everyone or makes fun of him. He wouldn’t normally mind the last one, if he didn’t feel so insure.

“We—” his voice suddenly caught in his throat. His heart was surely going to blow out of his chest, the anxiety of the situation doubling in a short amount of seconds.

A sudden hand on his shoulder caused his attention to be draw straight to the source. His face mixed with fear and shame while Sunwoo’s was as reassuring as he could make it.

“Remember who you’re talking to. I know I like to make fun of you but I get that this is making you uncomfortable. If you seriously don’t want to tell me, I get it. I’m not going to force you.” his face suddenly turned a tad sterner. “But you’re going to have to eventually since the curiosity will kill me.”

“No. I need to tell you about it.” Sandeul admitted bravely. He knew that this was what he had to do, if he wanted any kind of advice as to what he could be feeling, he had to tell Sunwoo. There was no way he could get out of it, if he didn’t than it would eat him up inside. The problem was he didn’t know how to explain it; his thoughts were still so muddled that it was hard to make sense of anything.

Even though it was challenging to get past the anxiety evident in his body, there was no choice. Now was the perfect time to tell him, when no one else was around to hear.

Still, he was unable to meet his gaze as the words began spilling from his mouth. “We almost k—”

“What are you two still doing outside?” Dongwoo’s nagging tone rung through the hallway from their door, intruding what would have been Sandeul’s confession.

Both gave the other rapper their undivided attention, who in turn scowled disapprovingly between the two.

“It’s almost eleven and we have dance practice tomorrow. Normally I wouldn’t care, but I want to make sure you’re both in bed from now on.” his scowl rapidly melded into an icy glare. “I do not want a repeat of a few nights ago.”

“Sorry.” the two guilty parties proclaimed together, moving at similar paces towards the bear.

Sandeul felt like he’d been kicked in the stomach, having been so close to finally getting what needed to be off his chest just to be cut off. It made him wish that he’d started his conversation with Sunwoo with it so that it wouldn’t end up troubling him so aggressively. But with it still on his mind, he was sure it was going to continually bother him until he finally told someone about it or realized his feelings. He hoped that one of them came soon, if not, he’d surely burst.

He had no idea when he’d get another chance to talk with Sunwoo in private, but whenever he did; he would make sure next time to get straight to the point. As embarrassing as it was, the only way to clear the confusing fog was to either figure things out or have someone else’s opinion.

When they entered the dorm once again, Sandeul found his eyes quickly searching over the living room for the one he was avoiding. Luckily with no signs of him, he let out a relived sign while beginning to remove his shoes.

“Tell me tomorrow.” Sunwoo mentioned next to him. Having already taken off his shoes, he was moving backwards towards his bedroom so that he could continue to keep eye contact.

“Alright.” Sandeul responded indifferently, feeling slightly put off he would have to wait to get what he wanted to say out. He had a horrible feeling these thoughts were going to keep him up all night, and by the fact that him and Jinyoung would be sleeping in the same room.

Suddenly the bedroom door opened and the brunette’s heart momentarily stopped out of fear. When he saw that it was Chanshik, he continued breathing normally once again, watching as Sunwoo backed up unexpectedly into the younger.

“What are you doing?” Chanshik asked, taking a step away from him so that they weren’t so close.

“Channie!” Sunwoo called happily, spinning on his heel to wrap his arms around the blond while whisking him away to his bedroom. Sandeul couldn’t help but think the rapper had just kidnapped the younger and was now going to hold him captive in his room. It made him chuckle to himself, glancing to the side to see that Dongwoo was also in the same spirits.

“Do you notice how Baro always has his shoulder ready for Gongchan to lean on?” Dongwoo mentioned suddenly, bringing himself to stare at Sandeul with a warm expression. “It makes me happy to see.”

The duck nodded once. “Yeah, it is.” Sunwoo and Chanshik were obviously quite close; he had to admire their supportive friendship. Glancing to the door, he watched it for a moment. Out of everyone, it was clear that the rapper was most protective over the blond. Whether Chanshik liked it or not, that was how it was obviously going to be.

“I kind of feel like a piece of meat.” the rapper admitted, gaining the other’s attention once again. He now wore a slight scowl. “You and Jinyoung seem to be close, and so are Baro and Gongchan. It’s easy to feel left out.”

Sandeul immediately scowled at his words, going up to embrace him warmly. “And you call me stupid?” he squeezed him tightly once before letting go to give him a bright smile. “I’m pretty sure it’s impossible for our mom to be left out.” he decided not to bring up the obvious rift between Jinyoung and himself. Mostly out of fear that he’d be questioned; at the current moment he rather the thoughts fade from his mind.

Eventually Dongwoo chuckled, placing a hand on the other’s head tenderly for a mere moment. “You’re right.” he walked past the brunette slowly, the air around him drastically changing. “Hopefully that won’t change.”

He glanced in his direction to ask what he meant, but he was already gone in their bedroom.

What were his words even supposed to mean?

Due to my inability to stay motivated and positive about my writing, the next chapter may be slightly delayed. I like to update once every four or five days (I only did this so soon because i'd feel bad... i guess). Sorry, I'm probably being silly but until i can shake the mindset, this will be it.

Anyways, thank you for reading as always.

TBC...