It had become a habit for him to take a walk after a fulfilling dinner, especially during winter nights. The rubber soles of his boots made almost no sound, and even when they did, he would only able to hear the song that was blasting on his red earphones. Each time a flake of snow touched his face gently, his eyes would flustered down involunteerly and his breathing would stop for a moment. During those times, everything around him became silent. Not even the god-like music of Muse, his favorite band, would be heard - no matter how hard he had set the volume.

Every time the snow melted on his skin, was resulted from the contact that it made with his body heat, Jonghun would remember the day he was left alone, staring in both anger and frustration at the front door that was wide opened. He would remember clearly the day Jaejin left.

Winter would always remind him of Jaejin. Of that black hoodie with pointy devil ears on top and the limited edition Chopper hat that Jaejin would wear underneath the said hoodie. He would remember them sitting in the dining room, eating dinner just right after Jaejin came back from his last class, and about the time when Jonghun would soon leave for his part time job. Dinner was probably the only quality time that they could afford spending together.

But it was just the past. Jonghun's life now would consist of his life as a university student, then a short nap late afternoon, a quick dinner, and his job at the bar. It had become very dull, unappealing and was about the same routine almost every single day. Most days, he would be able to just go through them without the slightest feel of sadness. But winter wasn't like most days. Winter, for Jonghun, was like that uncut thorn on a rose - unwanted pain piercing through with the beauty of red petals as its cover.

That night Jonghun reached the bar early, his boss was the only one there when he stepped in. They exchanged a smile, knowing that there was no word needed to be said at least until the other guy for the night shift would come. He was contented with the silence - simply because the moment Seunghyun came, silence would be the only thing that wasn't there. He could really use a little peace of mind before the younger guy started on his never ending chit-chats.

"Hello, world! What's up, Boss?! Your tallest employee with the brightest smile in this bar is ready to rock the night out!" Seunghyun announced when he opened the staff entrance door, cold breeze of the night slipping in.

"Oh shut up, Seunghyun," Jonghun rolled his eyes.

The thing about the bar where Jonghun was working at was that it was where he first met Jaejin. New kid in the big city of Seoul, moving there to persue what people said as the guarantee of a successful life - education. There was no Seunghyun and bar didn't have that extra space on the east side for the booths. It was an almost empty night with only Jonghun working there, was left alone by his boss that decided to take the night off.

Jaejin's blonde hair stood up, probably more than it should be. Half of the hair was tied back while the bang was left falling freely, touching Jaejin's small face. He would have mistaken Jaejin from a boyish girl if not because of the obviously flat chest and Adam apple. Being awkward he was, Jonghun tried his best to make a friendly conversation with his customer. His boss had once told him that being a bartender was not only about mixing drinks, but also being someone that a customer could talk to about their hard and busy day - like a shrink at the cost of a couple of drinks.

The awkward conversation soon was full of laughter and small teases the more Jaejin kept on coming back to the bar. He kept on coming, ordering his usual mocktail - until one night in a cold winter, he declared that it was his 20th birthday and Jonghun should now serve him some alcohol, showing Jonghun his ID card as proof. Ever since, it wouldn't be unusual for Jonghun to send a drunk Jaejin back to his dorm.

"Have you heard that there's a new bar opening up soon, Hyung? Less than a block away and rumor has it that they would have live performances every Saturday night," said Seunghyun when the two of them were wiping the beer pints that would be used that night.

"Well, I guess their target is young people," Jonghun answered simply.

"I wish our bar would attract young customers too. Ours are mostly salarymen or working women," Seunghyun sighed. "With the exception of your ex boyfriend that used to come over almost every night back then."

Sometimes Jonghun wished Seunghyun wasn't that straightforward. He didn't really want to remember that Jaejin was now his ex boyfriend. No longer his to claim, no longer his to kiss. He had finally gotten used to coming back to a different feel of the apartment, crawling onto an untouched bed and realizing that he would need to take turns with his new roommate to take the trash out. He didn't need Seunghyun to remind him that he was no longer in a relationship.

It was the same thing every single night now. They both would chat about random things until the bar started to get crowded. Seunghyun would be too busy being a waiter, throwing his mega-watt smile to anyone that he found attractive, while Jonghun would stay behind the bar and do his job as a bartender. His boss wasn't much of a talker, but most nights, the middle aged man would be at one corner of the bar, being a good listener to some of the regular customers that needed someone to talk to about their long day at work.

Everything was the same like usual until a customer walked in. A customer with pointy devil ears on top of his hoodie that he wore underneath his thick winter jacket. A customer that had blonde hair, shorter than Jonghun had remembered it, but it was the same familiar platinum blonde hair. And for a moment there Jonghun thought he was delusional.

The man that he believed was Jaejin walked through the room slowly, his hoodie was pulled down low covering most of his forehead but not low enough to hide the eyecatching hair. As their eyes met, Jonghun gulped - all the effort that he had put in to forget the man walking towards him was vanishing oh so quickly that he thought he was sinking into a sandy ground.

"Hey..." mumbled Jaejin as he sat down at one of the stools.

Jonghun took a moment to breathe normally, his hand hard. "Any drink for you?" he asked.

"The usual, I guess," Jaejin mumbled again, this time while pulling back his hoodie, revealing the strikingly bleached hair. "Well, I hope you remember."

It had been a little bit over a year, but Jonghun still remembered Jaejin's drink. He quickly turned around, turning the coffee machine on before then preparing all the utilities and mixture he would need to make the order. The blonde didn't say a thing as Jonghun made his drink in front of him. He seemed to be more interested in how Jonghun still remembered the way he preferred it. A little bit more on the heavy whipped cream but less on the brown sugar.

"One Irish Coffee for you," said Jonghun as he served the whiskey based coffee to Jaejin.

"Thanks," the other replied simply.

Jonghun left Jaejin alone after that, attending other customers while occasionally taking a glance towards the younger guy's direction. He had mixed feelings about this, about them meeting again and unable to communicate the way they used to. It didn't take Seunghyun long to notice Jaejin, and it didn't take him long to greet the blonde, acting all friendly like always.

The night started to feel slow, every tick on the clock only made Jonghun wish that Jaejin would hurry up with his drink and just go. The longer Jaejin stayed, the more Jonghun had to try to suppress his feelings. Feelings of wanting to hold the other's hand again, to look into Jaejin's eyes and try to see if he still existed in him - in the way he would stare back at Jonghun.

At the end, Jaejin didn't leave until it was almost closing time, was busy on his tablet the whole night and little chats with Seunghyun every now and then.

"How much does it cost now?" asked Jaejin as he put his tablet back to his bag, reaching out for his wallet in it.

"It's on the house," Jonghun answered.

The other's distressed pair of eyes stared at him in wonder.

"It's past midnight. It's already your birthday, so it's on me," Jonghun tilted his head towards the direction of the clock.

Jaejin looked away, putting his wallet back to his bag. "You remembered..."

"Well, we spent two birthdays of yours together, three with this, so I don't think I can forget about it easily," he shrugged. "What are you doing here on your birthday anyway?"

Sighing, the blonde stood, packing his stuff. As he put his backpack on, Jaejin sighed again, seemingly hesitant to answer Jonghun. "I didn't want to spend it alone at home. Can't really spend it with my friends because well, as you know, I don't have that many friends."

"So you came here, among all of other bars you could have gone to?"

"No one knows how I like my Irish Coffee but you," Jeajin reasoned out.

He decided not to continue with the conversation, letting Jaejin walk to the entrance door without actually saying a goodbye. That backpack was probably still the same backpack that Jaejin had on him on that night when they broke up. The scene of Jaejin leaving the bar looked so much like when he left Jonghun. Jaejin was slightly taller now, shorter hair and not as thin as back then, but the scene felt like a dejavu to Jonghun.

There is an urge to reach out his hand to the younger guy, to run after him as if he was cutting through an invisible crowd. His heart ached, hating the fact that it was all his fault to begin with. That he messed up so badly, causing him to lose probably someone that was always by his side selfishlessly.

"Jaejin!" he called before Jaejin managed to close the door behind him.

The younger guy turned around, unlike that night when he didn't even look back.

"I'm done with work in fifteen minutes," Jonghun announced nervously.

Silence quickly crept into the room. His boss pretended that he didn't hear anything while Seunghyun almost dropped the beer pints that he was clearing up from one of the booths. Jaejin, dumbfounded, stared at Jonghun, his lips parted apart in disbelief. It hurt his pride a little to say what he just said to Jaejin, couldn't believe that he could be the one initiating after everything that had happened.

"I-I.." Jaejin stuttered.

"I won't take long," Jonghun said.

Then there was a nod from Jaejin.

Jonghun quickly rushed through all the work that he had to do before leaving, with Seunghyun's judging eyes tailing his every step. He wouldn't blame the taller guy. He didn't know why he did that either. What was there to offer? What was there to talk about to Jaejin anyway? It had been a long time and why trying now?

"Don't come to me crying tomorrow morning," Seunghyun mumbled as he helped Jonghun with the glasses.

"Don't feel so high on yourself, Seunghyun."

"Fine. Then don't come to Hongki-hyung crying tomorrow morning if things turn out awkward and hopeless later with Jaejin-hyung," Seunghyun corrected his sentence.

"...shut up," Jonghun mumbled.

He wanted to feel surprised when Jaejin really did wait for him, but there was a bowl of joy spilling over him - if that expression even made any sense. Making sense wouldn't be the theme of the night anyway.

They both walked in silence, heading to nowhere in particular. The road was empty and the night had become so cold, tension rising into the atmosphere while Jonghun’s heart pacing up for no particular reason.

“Still live in the same apartment?” asked Jaejin suddenly.

“Kind of.”

“Even after...”

“Yes, even after we broke up. Can’t really afford a new place. But Hongki moved in though.”

“He sticks around still, huh?”

“I don’t have that many friends either, just like you,” Jonghun mumbled.

“But you’re a ladies’ guy, aren’t you? Those girls are called friends too, you know.”

Pausing, he turned his head to Jaejin. The younger guy did just the same, staring at him with a straight face. They broke the eye contact almost right away.

“I’m sorry,” Jonghun said out of the blue, stopping as he looked down to his feet. “...for letting you down. I still feel bad about it.”

He had never got to say it to Jaejin. Jonghun wasn’t going to deny that he messed up big time. Whatever happened, he never meant it to hurt him. So it felt like the clock stopped ticking as he looked up, finding Jaejin standing just a step ahead of him, eyes on a random spot across the street instead. The sight before him felt like a photograph taken under the streetlight, so close yet so far.

“The damage is done,” Jaejin sighed. “You weren’t in your right senses anyway. Things weren’t doing well for you, then we fought that morning too.”

“I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“They’ve stopped talking to me ever since, so it doesn’t matter if you meant to hurt me or not, you know.”

“I really didn’t mean to let your parents and sister to find out about us.”

“Hyung... let’s not talk about this, please?”

Taking his hands out from his jacket’s pockets, Jaejin turned to face Jonghun. He stepped forward, closing the gap between them. “I’ve forgiven you long ago. But I guess, I’m just a coward that refuse to say it to you directly. Or to just come back. Because really, it’s been far way too lonely without you,” Jaejin admitted, almost whispering.  A pair of hands ghosted their way around Jonghun’s well-built body. There was no word being spoken, but Jonghun found himself hugging Jaejin back tightly. He had waited for this for the longest time. Even if it would be the very last hug they would ever share, he had longed for it all this time.

As he felt Jaejin’s warm breathing against the skin of his neck, every memory he had of them came back to him like a clip in fast forward. The occupied couch every night when their serious fight began, and in the same time the empty side of the bed next to Jonghun. The time they spent not eating together or even talking to each other. And the last argument that they had because of Jonghun’s tongue slip, that pretty much ended everything.

But even those moments, he had missed them. At least Jaejin was still there within his vision.

Because the past year had been extremely lonely for him too.

The hug didn’t last long but soon was replaced by Jaejin planting a hesitant but yet gentle kiss on his lips. Unconsciously Jonghun curled his fingers around Jaejin's neck, kissing back almost as if he had never kissed Jaejin, the fact that they were in the middle of the road was long forgotten. Their lips were cold from the winter breeze, now all bruised thanks to the kiss - but none was complaining about it.

“Hyung...” Jaejin muttered in between their kisses. “Let’s start all over again.”

He stared at Jaejin hazy eyes, looking for sincerity. All he needed was finding himself back in those eyes, to feel that a stare alone would make him feel wrapped in gentleness - or love, if he could ask more. He just wanted to see his own reflection in those eyes once more time.

And he did.

“Let’s do just that,” he answered, smiling when Jaejin entwined their fingers right after. Just because it didn’t work out, and just because they had fallen out of love so easily, it didn’t mean they couldn’t get up and try again. Being lonely and missing each other’s presence even when all he could remember was all of their fights gave him enough reason to at least learn to love again, to treat the person that he loved the way he wanted to be loved.

“Do you think we can kick Hongki-hyung out of the apartment for good?” Jaejin asked.

They both burst into laughter, finally ending their aimless walk, heading to the one place that they both knew well.

Home.

------

This was made for Jerta. She wanted a more feminine Jonghun, but it was too challenging for me. But I hope I managed to potray a somehow timid Jonghun.