Music can flow so beautifully without any hitches.

Why can’t life do the same?

 

Times like this aren’t frequent for Jiyong. But still, they exist. Tied to a hectic schedule, Jiyong seldom has the luxury of time to just sit and think about life in general. But when he does, things don’t get all that pretty. As much as he would like to avoid such moments, he knows that they are inherent in life. He figures his life is already a big ball of mess, and he doesn’t want things to get any more complicated than it already is. Thus, the importance of such moments comes in; it gives him some sort of direction, rational direction.

“Hey, Jiyong dinner’s ready,” Youngbae suddenly pokes his head into Jiyong’s room, breaking Jiyong’s train of thoughts momentarily. Jiyong isn’t in the mood for eating then, nor did he have the appetite. He simply makes some excuse about being tired and Youngbae nods understandingly and skitters away.

Jiyong is left alone again, alone in the darkness of his larger-than-average room. Despite its huge size, it still feels so compact in the darkness. In the black abyss, everything seems to be pressing against him; he barely has the space to breathe. The room seems to diminish so much in size, and his troubles, magnified.

You know what’s the ridiculous thing? Jiyong feels troubled, but he doesn’t know what the hell he is troubled about. He doesn’t know the bloody source, and that . Because it seems as if there can be no real cure to all the insecurities he feels swirling chaotically within.

He hasn’t been producing any up to par music recently. It’s hard, when you have such high standards to meet. Jiyong writes no ordinary music, mind you. He is expected to churn out music that can stay glued to number one positions in charts for weeks to come. He is expected to be the mighty G-Dragon who can just easily craft out god-like music for the general public’s entertainment, not just for his fans. Expectations, impossibly sky-high expectations; an intrinsic parcel of Kwon Jiyong’s life. Or is it G-Dragon’s life? Jiyong doesn’t know anymore. Jiyong makes him feel insecure, small, and insignificant; just like any other ordinary and normal soul out there. G-Dragon gives him strength, or perhaps simply the bravado needed to survive the cold music industry. It actually suffices, Jiyong thinks. Both sides of himself have their merits. Jiyong makes him feel normal; Jiyong is the real him that lurks within his shell. That is something Jiyong is very sure that he wants to keep; something that he doesn’t want to lose despite the insecurities it gives him, because it’s something that he knows is real, not faked. On the other hand, there is also G-Dragon. G-Dragon makes him feel invincible, and he likes this feeling. Whether is it the real him, it’s a whole different story.

 The thing is, Jiyong doesn’t know which side of himself he prefers.

 

 

 

There may be people who want to kick you to the ground,

but there’s more people to catch you when you fall.

 

Jiyong wonders if he is fit to be the leader of Big Bang. Sure, he produces god-like music for his group and all. He knows this. But he also screws up a hell lot as well. And when he really does screw something up, it really does have the capability to get the world shaking due to how large-scale it is. He lets his eyes slide shut to ease the pain niggling its way to his heart when he recalls all the gigantic headlines (as if his problem wasn’t already large itself already) splashed across various newspapers about his major up a year ago. It still hurts, because even after a year plus slips away, the memories don’t.  

Incidents like this could have easily pushed Big Bang off the precipice of disbandment. At that point, Jiyong really thinks he doesn’t deserve the title of being Big Bang’s leader. God, he wouldn’t have minded if s’ respect for him dissipates overnight. But that didn’t happen. Seungri would hold his hand every single time they gathered to discuss the scandal with the company and shed countless tears for him. Youngbae would pat him on his back without uttering a single word, but Jiyong has known him long enough to understand. Daesung’s trademark smiles showed themselves even more sporadically than before (they rarely showed after his own scandal, let alone after the scandal).  Many a times, Daesung would even offer to stay up to let Jiyong pour out all his unspoken pain just so he could feel better.

 And Seunghyun, Seunghyun really does have the ability to make Jiyong cry. He never says a word during their meeting as a group.  He would watch Jiyong intently, observing his every expression, as if by sifting out the subtle signs of hurt Jiyong felt, he could make them disappear by taking them away. Then, in the middle of nights, he would sneak furtively into Jiyong’s room just to hold him and keep him warm and safe and okay.  As much as Jiyong hated it, his own tears would start flowing on their own volition because Seunghyun knows him so darn well. He needs Seunghyun to be there to hold him together, especially during those dark silent nights when he was all alone, vulnerable to nightmares and all those harrowing thoughts screaming relentlessly in the dead silence of the night.

Jiyong thinks he didn’t deserve all that, even if he really did need them.

 

 

 

If I had a star for every time you brightened my day,

I’d be holding a galaxy.

 

Jiyong thinks he is the luckiest man ever. To be able to find a soul mate is one of the hardest things in life. He is therefore more than grateful for the fleeting period of chaste love he got to taste four years before. He knows it’s never truly possible between them, but at least they found each other and experienced something that was that bold, beautiful and completely out of the world.

A memory of his younger self flashed before his eyes. He could picture the puckered, crescent eyes that was always filled with zeal and mischief; the tousled ochre soft hair that stirred so freely in the errant breeze.  Life then seemed so much simpler. He felt so free; the beautiful thing about being a youth. Touches between Seunghyun and himself have always been so subtle and tender whenever they are in public, even when they went out disguised during their private little dates and there were no cameras rolling (or were there?).

They dated for one solid year. There were nights in which Jiyong would sneak into Seunghyun’s bedroom or Seunghyun would sneak into his. It didn’t matter whose room they were in as long as they were together. Those nights were mostly all about tangled limbs and innocent kisses, nothing more. 

“I never want these moments to be tainted. I want to keep it as pure as possible because purity is happiness, don’t you think baby?”

Seunghyun would mutter these tender words with that soft baritone voice of his in the silence of the night where the only thing that could be heard was their own breathing. He would then lean in to plant soft staccato kisses on Jiyong’s lips, savoring each and every kiss as if to remember how it tastes, as if every single kiss meant the world to him. 

Seunghyun would then cradle Jiyong in those large lean arms of his, and Jiyong would nuzzle his nose in between the gentle slopes that flows to join Seunghyun’s neck and shoulders. Everything was warm and perfect. Jiyong treasured every moment spent with Seunghyun in those dark nights under the soft velvet covers, because he knew how precious they were, because he knew that one day…

One day reality will take these away from them.

 

 

 

Down the road the sun is shining,

In every cloud there’s a silver lining.

 

Jiyong imagines lying in an open field on his back, staring at stars which clung so low in the dark night skies. People say stars shining in dark skies represented hope, some sort of direction in life. But Jiyong doesn’t share the same piece of mind. To him, they are just beautiful. He doesn’t link these natural gems of nature to anything else like hope or direction, they are simply beautiful. He reaches out as if to pluck one of the stars hanging precariously in the black abyss. He grasps nothing.

He pictures shooting stars, a spectacular moment of magic, and a fleeting glimpse of eternity. Life is short, and each and every moment is like a shooting star that passes a tad too quickly for one to treasure fully. Perhaps the stars marks memories of the different phrases of life one went through, for they never fade. But this is beautiful, for each and every one of the stars (or the memories) makes up a masterpiece, something so extraordinary and just perfect.

Out here, without the bedroom closing in around him, whatever problems Jiyong had become so tiny, so tiny in the grand scheme of the universe, so tiny that somehow, they didn’t matter anymore. It is weird how the troubles that clouded Jiyong’s mind vaporized so discreetly. He doesn’t know at which point of time they slink away altogether without a trace.

Perhaps this is just the way life works. One second, you’re bombarded with an endless barrage of troubles that suffocate you until you feel all dizzy and light-headed.

And the next second, everything disappears without a reason and you just feel free, free, free…

 

 

 

 

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A/N (Important note!): Hey guys! Basically, I just want to get across the message of how life itself is a miracle, and how short but extraordianary it is. There are endless possibilities in life, and when you compare all your troubles to life itself, everything kind of seems smaller you know? Every single thing that you have been through (whether good or bad) makes up the masterpiece, life. So always remember to look at the big picture, because when you weave everything in life together, you get something truly beautiful. So do appreciate life, and live it to the fullest! :)

Comment and tell me how you felt about this story, kay? ^^