Music: In Meaningless - Urban Zakapa

January 18, 2012

The forlorn moon was gone astray from the blue sky as the dimness of the indispensable dawn gradually washed away with the stars, like white sand slipping away from subtle fingers in a time-consuming manner in a recorded time, revealing the daunting sun lurking behind the ocean of clouds as it took over the world like a deity.

Wild flowers of diverse colors growing on the zenith of perilous cliffs blossomed in an abiding bliss as they welcomed the new-fangled day granted to them by the celestial creator, indebted that no mortal can reach up to touch their petals and pluck them out to satisfy their own covetous contentment.

Grasses coated with morning dew surrounded your refuge in different shades of green, leading towards your front door like a red carpet rolled towards a throne.

You were soundly asleep with a tear dripping on the side of your eye as you snuggled closer to the Pororo plushie on your willowy arms, oblivious of the notable scenery occurring just outside your house like it never existed as your legs chaotically strangled with your blanket.

There is no enough time for you to admire the exquisiteness of the world when you don’t even have time to look for the real meaning of your life.

Your embrace around the stuff toy tightened as you buried your nose against the white feathery pillow, inhaling the aroma of fabric conditioner and exhaling the reality about the meaningless life you live every single day. You exhaled the scent of dry red roses and untold sad stories out of your lungs, pushing them away from the core of your existence.

The glorious sun meekly peeked into your closed window like a child looking outside of a candy store with yearning eyes, its golden rays illuminating the whole world like a massive light bulb.  Opening an eye, you inwardly groaned as the sun’s light beam burned your vision and stung your eyes, setting the windows of your soul into fire.

A feeling of regret overwhelmed your senses as you realized that you forgot to pull down the curtains of your window last night since your mind was blank and empty but only the thoughts of Jaehyo remained as if they are being embossed in every neuron of your brain.

Where are your endorphins right now when you need them the most to take away the excruciating pain inside your wrecked heart? Did they disappear like smoke with Jaehyo’s love for you too?

Only the thoughts of him remained in your mind like it was stuck in there with super glue. Ahn Jaehyo, the person who did nothing but to hurt you but it only made you fall in love with him more.

The only trepidation you have is letting go of the pain because that means that you have to let go of him too, and that is something you swore to yourself that you will never do because that will be the end of the world for you; the end of the morning sunshine and rainy afternoons of your days.

Regret and love for him are the only things that you feel as of the moment as you lay on your bed with your whole being half-asleep. The feeling of being sorry for yourself is very proverbial to you since this is what you think you deserve.

If only I could love him more than I do, then he would love me back, you thought as you opened your eyes and there is nothing you could see but the emptiness of everything. You realized that it may seem that you have everything because you are in a relationship with the person you love, but the truth is that there is nothing that you gained in the end.

It was as if you are seeing the world through a plastic bag since everything around you looks so dead. You extended your arm to reach up the window and yank the curtains down, but your fingertips missed an inch before it could come in contact with the window.

There is nothing your hand could hold on that moment but the space between the curtain you are reaching. You retreated back your hand and gradually brought it back to your side and sighed as you remembered just it was just like being with Jaehyo, he is so near that he had touched your heart, yet so far that you can’t even reach up his hand.

Your lips quirked up into a sluggish beam with fulfillment as your eyes leisurely fluttered close and you even saw dreamland waiting for you behind your lids. Not even five seconds had passed but your phone’s alarm went off and a ballad song danced around the air with pixy dust trailing after every musical note.

You hastily clutched your phone from the bedside table and threw it under the covers without thinking twice. Your eyes almost popped out of their sockets when you opened them, as you realized that I Told You I Want to Die is not your alarm tone, but your ring tone.

You dove under the covers to search for your phone but you can’t find it not even after throwing your pillows and blanket on the floor. Intuition told you that it may be under the bed, waiting the call to be picked up by its owner.

You crouched down on your knees without wasting time and reached down the phone which was really under your bed and you have no idea how it ended down there.

You brought the phone closer to your right ear as you accepted the call with a blissful greeting, “Hello, Jaehyo oppa? Did you call me to make sure that I am already awake so I won’t be late for school? Don’t worry; I am already awake even before you called. I can wake up early even though you won’t call me, you know.”

The person on the other line was silent for a few moments but then spoke with bitterness, “Get ready before you’re late for class. Eat lots of breakfast, I don’t want you to get hungry or else we will be pigging out in the cafeteria again. I will wait for you outside the front gates, so be early.”

You smiled to yourself as you bickered with your conscience, See? He still cares for me. Your conscience made a ‘tsk’ sound as she whispered to your ears, He may care about you but his bitterness will never subside no matter what you do.

You nodded your head even though the caller can’t see you, “Okay. See you in school, Jaehyo oppa.” An indication of sorrow was evident on the other person’s voice as he spoke again, “By the way, this is me, Park Kyung.”

And with those eight words said, the call went dead and you stood there blaming yourself since all you do is hurt your best friend’s feelings when all he does is save you from suicide and stand for you when everyone had already turned their backs on you.

You felt the fleeting wind rub your back in reassurance as your conscience muttered, Why can’t you love your best friend? He loves you and he will never do anything to hurt you.

Smiling sorrowfully, you whispered to yourself with your eyes glued to your door, “Why can’t I love you, Park Kyung? Why can’t I love a person who will never break my heart? Why?”

You made your way out of the house as you had enough of your pity party, with your books and notebooks prepared on your back pack. Locking the door, you headed towards the gate and did a quick inhale and exhale exercise to ready yourself for school.

After walking a few blocks away from your home with heavy steps, heavy rain started to pour down and people ran in different directions to seek protection from the rain drops. You opened your hand and watched the droplets of water come in contact with your palm and for some reason; it fascinates you no matter how simple the idea of the rain is.

You continued walking and smiled as the water ran down your skin and you felt grateful for it. The rain is there for you when no one is there to bring you to their arms and comfort you.

When you were on your midway to the school campus, an umbrella was placed above your head and you spun around to gawk at the person holding it. You expected Kyung to scold you for walking under the rain, but instead he had his signature gummy smile on his face, “Appreciating the rain?”

You nodded and scooted closer to him as you noticed that his left side was not covered with the umbrella. You looked up to him and mirrored his smile, “No one appreciates it, so why not appreciate it?”

In your peripheral vision, you noticed his smile falter a little and you felt a small tug on your heart. When you started to walk towards the school in silence, he asked out of the blue, “So, do you also appreciate sadness?”

You were taken aback with his question but you continued to walk nonetheless, “Yes, because no one appreciates it too.” He nodded and kindheartedly dragged you towards the school gate, “Come on, you have to change or else you’ll get sick. You can borrow my PE uniform. Change to it and I’ll just go to the clinic to buy some medicine. I don’t want you catching a cold.”

He pulled his PE uniform out of his bag and handed it to you before turning back to head out of the corridor. You muttered a small ‘thanks’ and he nodded in response, then he was out of your sight as he turned around the corner.

You breathed in the scent of his clothes and it smelled just like Kyung, since it smelled like cinnamon bread and playground. 

January 18, 2011

You were humming a saccharine tune as you waltzed around your dwelling with your bunny slippers making squeaky noises as you walked. Weekends are your desired days since you don’t have to make school assignments, deal with interfering classmates, listen to menacing teachers and fight off bullies.

You cherished the sunshine outside the window sill since it brings a sun-drenched atmosphere to your abode. A love song was playing on the radio and the lyrics made you smile since it is the same with how you feel inside.

The birds and bees on the backyard made chirping and buzzing noises as they flew around your backyard, their voices seems like the voice of a thousand seraphs singing in synchronization with their harps on their hands and feathery wings flapping on their backs.

All of a sudden, the clouds turned pitch-black as heavy rain started to pour down from the sky, exasperating you since rainy afternoons mean that you will be parked on the couch for the entire day, waiting for the rain to stop. You turned the volume of the television up, blocking the sound of water dropping on your roof since that piss the hell out of you.

Making your way towards the couch, you sat down and looked out of the window as you sang, “Rain, rain, go away. Come again another day... What’s the next?” You scratched your head as you tried your best to remember the next line with your forehead forming creases as you poked your head incessantly.

Your heart almost jumped out of its place as you heard another voice singing, “Little children want to play. Rain, rain, go away.” You churned around and brought your hand closer to your chest since you almost had a heart attack.

Jaehyo plunged towards you and enveloped your petite frame in a cuddle that can take your breath away, “Sorry. Did I scare you?” You wrapped your arms around his waist and leaned towards his body, “Not really. How did you get in?”

He pointed a finger towards the door, “Through the door, obviously.” You rolled your eyes as you pushed him away barely with a scoff, “You could have knocked. Who knows? You might walk in me while I am for goodness’ sake.”

He chuckled and sat down on the sofa like he is the owner of the house, “Then I would never knock and just walk in directly. Oh, how I wish that day would come.” You slapped his arm gently with feign anger, “ert!”

He patted your leg and cooed like he was talking to a five-year-old girl, “Only for you, babe.” You scoffed as you rolled your eyes for the second time that afternoon, “Whatever. And please don’t touch me.” He pouted with blowfish cheeks and you chuckled as you squished his cheeks, “So cute!”

The two of you sat side by side on the couch and watched the television together as you chattered about school and acquaintances. You stood up and made your way towards the kitchen as you looked back to him before fading into view, “What food do you want, oppa? “

Jaehyo smiled at you and he felt his heart flutter in your benevolence but that didn’t stop him from wiggling his eyebrows up and down in order to taunt you, “Anything is good for me. Actually, I just want you as my snacks for this afternoon.”

You raised a perfectly shaped eyebrow and retorted back, “Sorry, but as I know, I’m a human being and not some sort of a pastry.” He smirked and ran a finger across his lower lip with teasing eyes, “Yes, you are a food. Do you want me to prove that to you?”

You turned around and marched towards the kitchen, “No thanks.” He chortled and hollered after you, “I was just joking!”

You went back to the living room with a tray of cinnamon bread, dark chocolate and hot chocolate on your hands and he stood up to hold them for you then he placed it on the table with composure. Jaehyo examined the food on the tray with condemning eyes, “You really want to seduce me, do you?”

You looked up to him with a bewildered expression, “What the hell are you talking about, Ahn Jaehyo?” He looked at you and crossed his arms in front of his chest, “Don’t you know that cinnamon and dark chocolate are known to be aphrodisiacs?” You sat back down and stuck your tongue out, “I hate you.” He sat down beside you and started eating, “I love you too.”

To alleviate your frame of mind, he sat down in front of the piano and started to press down some keys, then a piece by Yiruma entitled ‘Kiss the Rain’ jam-packed the air in circles. You watched how his hands moved around the keys benevolently and you fell in love with him more.

The clock struck four and it was time for him to go since he still has a basketball practice to attend to. It was still raining when you walked him out of your gate and the two of you were sharing his umbrella, but you also have a closed umbrella on your hand for you to use when you go back to your residence.

Before taking his departure and walking away, Jaehyo tossed the umbrella on the ground and you could feel the water splashing as the umbrella dropped as he kissed you under the rain.