Leeteuk was still awake. In all honesty, that wasn’t really a rarity, seeing as life of an idol was stressful and filled with schedules that often stretched well into the night, but seeing as they had had their schedules cleared to have a going away-dinner for Kangin, he really should have been sleeping by now; he had been lying in his bed for hours now, trying to let sleep wash over him. However, his head was filled with whirling thoughts about said man, about himself, about them. It would be so easy to just blame Kangin for everything that went wrong; after all he was the one who had been in a hit and run and who was being shipped off to the military as a result. But if he allowed himself to think about it, he found that he had been just as guilty as Kangin. Management had told him not to favour Kangin just because they were in a relationship and he had mindlessly listened to the point of beginning ignoring the younger man. He knew the younger grew frustrated with him, knew that he wasn’t handling it well, and yet he did nothing. He didn’t even break up with him, he just kept his distance and ignored him until that faithful night when Youngwoon burst into his room, sobbing his heart out as he admitted to the hit and run. That was the moment he fully realised what his actions had done to the younger and he couldn’t hold back his tears as he looked into Youngwoon’s eyes, filled with fear and desperation. After he had contacted management, he and Kangin had agreed to end whatever they had, seeing as it seemed to destroy the both of them more than do any good. However, he was broken hearted at the prospect of losing the younger man. He knew that despite everything, Kangin was still the man he loved more than anything. He sometimes wished, oh how he wished, that there was no such thing as Super Junior, no such thing as ELFs forever watching their every move, no dongsaengs he had to care for, no dance moves to be learned, no new songs to be practiced until his throat felt raw and bloody; only him and Youngwoon, maybe in another country where they would not be frowned upon, where they would be able to start a family and just be. He couldn’t face tomorrow, couldn’t gather the courage to say goodbye to the love of his life. He needed the younger close and he regretted ever following management’s instructions, he regretted letting the younger go. His phone vibrated.

From: Youngwoon

I miss you.

Kangin bit his lip hard after having pressed send. He didn’t know if he had stepped out of line. He didn’t even know if Jungsoo missed him too, if he would be awake now, if he would still care even after all they had been through. He slowly laid his phone down by his pillow before hugging his other pillow tightly. Ever since he and Leeteuk had begun drifting apart he had been hugging a pillow in his sleep, desperately trying to recreate the feeling of having the leader safely wrapped in his arms. Needless to say it was not the same at all. He sighed, ready to beat himself up for sending a text to the leader at this time of night; Leeteuk was always busy and always stressed, so he needed his sleep. He suddenly regretted it, afraid he would wake the leader up. He didn’t even know what he was expecting. Leeteuk had clearly moved on from whatever relationship the two had shared while Kangin still felt his heart beat longingly whenever the older was near him. He knew that he would never be able to fall so hard again, that a special part of his heart would forever belong to Jungsoo, unreachable to everybody else. He clutched the pillow tighter, the mere thought of loving someone else making his heart hurt and his eyes water. He didn’t want to love someone else. Jungsoo was everything he needed, everything he would ever need. When he received the message that he would enlist now or leave the company, he knew, from the very second the words left the manager’s lips, that it wouldn’t be his family he would miss the most. It wouldn’t be Super Junior, standing on stage, singing, or even the fans. It would be the lazy days off spent in bed, snuggled under a blanket and not doing anything but just enjoying each other. It would be the little smile that was sent to him whenever they had just finished a new routine in dance practice. It would be the gentle touch on his lower back, guiding him when the camera lights seemed too bright for him to see properly. It would be Jungsoo. It would be how things were before Leeteuk started ignoring him, started seeing through him and stopped responding to the silent SOS’s of the younger man. It had driven him into drinking, trying to forget what was happening, trying to