Today was the first true snowfall of the year; the first time the flakes stuck to everything they came in contact with. Snow began to pile on windowsills, balconies and the like. I stood by the window, watching the snowflakes gracefully descend from the sky until my brother stirred in his bed, slowly rousing himself from a deep sleep and looking out the window as well. He frowned but I smiled brightly at him, moving away from the window and walking towards his bed.

"Yah...Soryong. Get up lazy bum," I flicked his forehead lightly, "First snowfall of the year, you know what that means!"

Seemingly unfazed by the flick of my finger, he sat up and looked down at his hands in his lap as he mumbled, "Mom's hot chocolate.."

I nodded enthusiastically, my grin widening. It was tradition. Every year for as long as either of us could remember, our mother would make us her special hot chocolate on the day snow actually stuck to the ground. When we had grown older and moved out on our own, she gave us her special recipe on the condition we were only to use it just as she did. On the first snowfall. I waited by the doorway as Soryong flipped the covers back off of him and swung his legs over the side of the bed, rising to his feet and shuffling out the door. I tailed close behind him, chuckling softly.

"You look a little worse for the wear, bro." I joked, sitting at the table and watching him pull the pan and ingredients from the cupboards, checking mom's recipe on the side of the fridge to make sure he didn't forget anything. He began preparing and mixing each ingredient, mumbling under his breath, "You should be here helping me, you know."

The smile I'd had plastered to my face faltered a bit and I laughed uneasily, glancing down at my hands, "I'd love to but, well, you know how I am.." Both of us jumped at the shrill ring of our apartment phone. Surprising, since we both knew the call would be coming. Mom would want to hear our voices today and wish us well. She called us nearly every morning anyway.

"Daeryong could you- Aish...nevermind." He turned the dial on the stove down to simmer and stepped over to grab the cordless phone off the hook, answering as he grabbed a spoon to stir the chocolate with as it melted. "Hey, Mom...I'm fine. I'm doing great, actually!" I watched Soryong as he tried to be as enthusiastic in their conversation as he could manage. It was pathetic. Out of the two of us, he was always the worst at acting. The one mom always had been able to read as well as a book whenever we'd gotten into trouble as children. This time would be no different. She knew he wasn't fine, but there was nothing she could do about it. Soryong sighed as he turned his head to look at me in my chair, rushing through his conversation with our mom to try and keep her from picking up on the pain in his voice, "No, Mom, I don't want to talk about it."

I chuckled softly, "You know he was never one to talk about his problems, Mom."

"Yes, I'm still making the hot chocolate. It is snowing." The ghost of a smile touched the corners of his lips as he turned back to the pan, stirring the chocolate to keep it from sticking or burning. He wrapped up their conversation quickly with a few more light-hearted comments and glanced at me once more before hanging up the phone and placing it back in its holder. He let out a soft sigh as he tested the taste of the hot cocoa before adding more sugar, stirring and tasting it again. With a satisfied nod he turned off the stove, grabbed two mugs from the cupboard and a ladle from the drawer next to him and filled the mugs with hot cocoa.

Soryong seemed to hesitate before walking to the table and setting one of the mugs in front of me and sitting across from me at the table. His gaze bore through me as he stared straight ahead, slowly lifting his mug to his lips and taking a sip. I returned his stare, wishing - and not for the first time - that I knew what was running through his head. Sadly we didn't seem to possess one of those twin super power-like phenomenons. We were alike in some ways, but couldn't be more different in others and without some sort of hint from a gesture or facial expression, we had no clue as to what the other was thinking. And right now, he was giving nothing away.

“Hey, you remember that one time Howon wanted to try playing basketball once the roads were iced over?” I leaned over my hot chocolate mug, my lips spreading into a wide grin. We both knew the story well seeing as we’d both been there and each of us were susceptible to bringing it up whenever we saw the chance, but it was one of our favorite Howon moments. And as Soryong loved to point out whenever our friend complained about it, it was just one of those stories that never got old. The way we’d tried to explain to him how it just wasn’t a possibility and he’d told us to just sit back and he’d show us. Yeah, he’d showed us alright. Showed us exactly why he always had his trademark cuts and bruises with the occasional chipped tooth or broken bone. A light of recognition passed through my brother’s eyes, the very corner of his lip turning up the smallest fraction of an inch and I knew our minds were on the same track.

The look had passed just as quickly as it came, however; and my twin stood abruptly, leaving his mug on the table and walking back to the bedroom we shared in our small apartment. A heavy sigh fell from my lips as I remained seated, alone now. He still hadn’t forgiven me. Although forgiven wasn’t quite the right word. He just hadn’t moved on, he couldn’t let go yet. I knew that and I couldn’t blame him for it. It was understandable, given the circumstances. I remained in my seat at the table for nearly an hour, trying to think of how I could ever make things up to Soryong.. I needed his forgiveness, I needed to know he didn’t blame me. Although at the moment, I was positive he did. He still hadn’t returned from our room by the time the clock struck 3:00pm and I knew I’d have to go in there soon if he were going to be ready in time to go out with our friends.

I glanced at our now cold hot chocolate before I stood, my eyes scanning slowly around the kitchen. Our mother would have a fit if she saw it in its current state, looking like it’d been through hell and come back with many of Lucifer’s little minions running around and calling the shots. Assuming they were dirty little minions that couldn’t cook. The rest of our apartment was much the same; wrappers and boxes strewn everywhere, clothes lying about, mounds and mounds of well, filth. I ran a hand through my hair, the weight I felt in my chest becoming heavier as I thought of all that needed to be done. And someone had to do something about it, soon. I walked around through our living room, pausing at the shelves that held our photos on them, a layer of dust building. Yes, I was stalling, there was no use denying that, I wanted to give Soryong the time to get himself collected and get ready without my reminder. My eyes slowly looked at the photos, one by one; family trips to the beach, the ski lodge, partying with friends, there wasn’t one photo where we weren’t together, side by side and having a good time. The sudden loneliness that rushed in took me by surprise and my hand slowly rose to rest in the middle of my chest. I needed to push the feeling away, needed to hold myself together, for my twin’s sake. I couldn’t give myself the luxury of breaking down, couldn’t allow myself to feel these emotions I was constantly denying.

Slowly, ever so slowly, I was able to brush off the sudden onslaught of unwanted emotions and to continue on my way to the bedroom. The door was left wide open, as it usually was and Soryong was curled up on his bed, facing away from me. I was beginning to think he’d fallen asleep when a short sniffle came from his direction. He rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling, his red, puffy eyes and tear streaked face showing all that he tried to keep hidden from everyone. The amount of pain and torment he was in. I didn’t need any of those special twin super powers to understand just what he was feeling this time. I would feel it, too if I dwelled on it too long like I had in the other room.

“Hey,” I mumbled softly, stepping over the threshold and into the room. I sat on my bed across from his and clasped my hands together, my elbows resting on each of my knees. “You need to get up and get ready, you know. The guys will be here soon. And we both know you don’t want them to see you like this.” I watched as my brother brought his arm up, vigorously wiping the tears and snot from his face before he slowly sat up. I could tell by the look in his eyes that something had changed, in the span of a few hours, something about him was different. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it and I knew he wasn’t about to tell me, but it was something I just knew. The look in his eyes was a little darker, heavier, sadder. The slump of his shoulders spoke of defeat while the set of his lips countered with determination.

The two of us jumped once we heard the doorbell, the shrill noise echoing through the apartment building. Soryong rolled out of his bed once again and walked from the room, buzzing our friends into our littered home. I could hear their muffled voices as they came into the living room; their ridiculous jokes and weak laughter as they made feeble attempts to make Soryong laugh as well. They saw just as easily as I had that he’d been crying for awhile. I got up to join them, my stride a little quicker than usual though I couldn’t be sure why.

“Guys,” I paused in the hallway where it broke off to the kitchen, right at the entrance to the living room. Howon, Sunggyu, Dongwoo and Sungyeol each stood in the room, at random points throughout the room that they’d actually found space to stand. They all were looking at Soryong curiously; it had been his voice that interrupted their joking and playful banter. My eyes settled on the back of his head, not sure myself what he was going to say but knowing from the subtle changes I’d witnessed in the past few hours, it would be something big.

“Before we go see that movie, can…can we go visit Daeryong?”

The other four men in the room shared a look of shock, his question obviously not what they had expected. Not that I could say I had expected it either, I’m sure the look on my face probably mirrored at least one of theirs. Soryong cleared his throat as he waited for an answer, each of our friends glancing at each other in silent communication before Howon spoke up, voicing what each of them was surely thinking, “Are you sure you’re up for that, Soryong?”

He gave a quick nod to our oldest friend before he dropped his eyes to look at his feet, his voice leaving him in a soft mumble, “I haven’t been up there to visit him since the funeral…and I- I think I need to now. It just seems right.”

It didn’t take much for our friends to agree, the group of them gathering their boots and coats and heading out the door, whisking my brother off with them. I stood in the silence of the now empty room, tears silently rolling down my cheeks. He was taking the first step. The first of many he would need to take before he could let go, before I could move on from this world I no longer belonged in. That was the change I’d noticed in him.

My eyes found our abandoned and nearly untouched chocolate mugs as I contemplated what all this meant. He was determined to move forward, he was ready to head down that path of healing and make it happen. But when he reached the end of it, would I be ready to move on as well?